First, a couple of announcements: Spwug issue 3 is now shipping! And until December it’ll still count as your first issue for a subscription. Secondly, if you’re wandering here from Comedity, hey! Pre-orders for the book are over here ! Finally, in case of invasion by Evil Space Goats, we are now safe! The Goat Justice League will be there to save us! Or at least to make it legal to keep pet goats in Seattle.

Now then. One of the things I’ve really come to appreciate about being a grown up is the freedom to be ME. No, peer pressure hasn’t let up. Yes, I’m still encouraged to conform with the company I keep. Usually this means being ‘normal’ and eschewing talk of WoW or whatever show I just found. At work I’m either leered at by the guys in the scene shop (dude, she plays WoW? A girl??) or poked fun of for being able to discus the plot points and character development of the anime showing at the local art house cinema. I get funny looks when buying games for my PS2, or when wearing my Girl Gamer shirt. It gets rough.

Traditional Geek Literature is chock full of characters defying pressure to conform. Look at Harry Potter, to use a recent entry. While living with his Dursley relations for 11 years, he never gave in to the easy option of giving in to their attempts to make him fit in with their view of how the world ought to be. Or to take a classic, Frodo never did settle in and live quietly like the rest of the hobbits, much to their chagrin. And ultimately, being true to himself helped to save the world.

So yeah, peer pressure never does go away. There will always be someone who needs to heckle me in order to feel smarter/more attractive/generally better about themselves. but I’m an adult now. I survived high school and college and all that tough stuff, the fiery gauntlet of Peer Pressure, and I came out the other side with super powers. I now have the Ability to Be Myself, the Power To Think For Myself, and the Mystical Force of Making My Own Choices. Yeah, it’s tough sometimes. Thing is I’m an adult now. And you know what? That old saying is right. To my own self I will be true.

Garth Graham is, as I might have mentioned earlier, a super talented guy. He’s tossed me some sketches that are really sketches for your viewing pleasure. Hope you enjoy ‘em!

You’ve asked her out on a date and she’s said yes. See, that wasn’t so hard! Now what?

Hopefully you’re meeting at some neutral type place for coffee or lunch. If you’ve decided to work some advanced seduction jutsu and have jumped right in to dinner for the first date, we’ll deal with you in a bit. Let’s start small.

First Impressions

If you already know and interact with the lady you’re going out with, chances are you’ve already made your first impression. And hey, it must have been pretty decent because she’s agreed to go out with you.

If this is the first time you’re meeting your lady face to face, first impressions are tricky. Consciously or unconsciously we size up new people we meet within a few seconds. It may be something as simple as, “hey, I’d like to hang out with this person” or “wow, this person is a complete ass hat.” These initial snap judgments color our interactions with that person. They usually evolve over time if you interact with them more, say in a work type situation. Your initial impressions may hold some truth, but they don’t give you the whole picture.

By the same token, don’t get too caught up in trying to make a good first impression. There’s only so much you can do. Yes, please shower. And brush your teeth. In fact, good hygiene in general helps a lot with first impressions. And wear something nice. And try to be on time. But in the end, your goal is not really to make a good first impression. Your goal is to get to know each other better on an intimate level, first impressions be damned.

However, there are some things you can do to make it easier for her to have a good first impression of you.

The Look

The way you look does more to color initial impressions than anything else. Well, unless you’re blind. Then I guess it doesn’t matter so much. But for those of us cursed with sight, it’s important to look your best.

Take a shower, wash your hair, dry your hair, comb your hair, brush your teeth, floss your teeth, etc. Practice good hygiene for a good long while. You can get away with lapsing once you’re living together, but for now, be clean.

You probably should avoid getting all suited up with fancy formal dress shoes, a tie, a jacket, and all that. You’re not going to the prom. A nice pair of jeans and a nice shirt should suffice. You could even go as far as business casual, but only if that fits your personal style. Make sure you’re comfortable and that you feel good in what you’re wearing (can you tell I’ve been watching too much Bravo lately).

Your breath is also pretty key. Since you’re going to be talking a lot, any death breath is sure to sneak out. Halitosis is the enemy of a good first date (trust me, I know). Be sure to brush nice a good before you go meet. And don’t be afraid to bring along some gum or tic tacs or breath mints. The death breath bacteria is a powerful enemy and must be tempered with spearmint and cinnamon.

I’d Like to Get to Know You

Always always always be yourself. Honesty is always the best policy in relationships. You may find that conversation comes easy. Awesome! Communication is just as important as honesty in relationships. There may be lulls in the conversation. That’s okay. You don’t have to talk each other’s ears off. Just let the silence be while you think of something else to say.

Ask plenty of questions and try to relate some of your own experiences with hers, but don’t over do it.  Don’t dominate the conversation.  Sure, you want to tell her everything about you so she can see how awesome you are.  But you’re also trying to find out more about her to see if you are compatible.

People will tell you to avoid talking politics or religion on a first date.  The problem is that I think religion and politics play an important role in shaping how we interact with each other.  Our views distinguish us from one another and understanding them is essential for communication.  I think that if you are tactful about it, you can talk politics and religion.  If you find that you have opposing views, now is not the time to try to change them.  Respect her views and opinions.  Try to explain your own with out accusing each other.  And move on.  It is possible to have a deep and loving relationship with someone you don’t always agree with.  You just have to accept that they see things differently.

Other than that, sit back, relax, don’t over think or over prepare, and just have fun getting to know each other.

Follow Up

As your date winds down, set up your next date.  Don’t worry if you don’t feel that enigmatic “spark” that the movies tell you about.  Many times, the first date won’t feel any different than hanging around playing Halo 3.  Dinner or a movie or dinner and a movie work well for second dates.  Or maybe a local show at a club or a play or whatever.  The point is to set something up for the next time in person.  Don’t do that whole wait two days to call but only call if she calls first or emails or sends smoke signals or any of that other bull crap game playing.  You’re not playing a freaking game.

Oh, and no matter how well it goes or how deep a connection you feel, avoid making a “move” on her on the first date.  Hugs are quite fine.  But save the tongue wrestling for at least the second or third encounter.  If you act too soon, it might color your relationship in a physical manner all too soon.  You will be connecting physically, but without the emotional attachment, it’s just empty snogging.  Not that there’s anything wrong with one-night or two-night stands.  But if you’re in it for the long haul, play it slow.  There’s plenty of time.  You’re not going anywhere and she’s sort of interested now.  So keep cool.

That’s it for now.

Well, it’s time for me to write something here. Normally it’d be something geeky and/or dorky, but as I’m sitting down to write this all I can think about is food. Food, glorious food.

So I’ve decided to share with you all the recipe for Mookie’s World Famous Stew.

Here are the ingredients you’ll need:
Olive Oil
3/4 cup White Cooking Wine
4-5 cloves of Garlic
3 Potatoes
1 container of Mushrooms
3 Tomatoes
1 can of Black Beans

First coat the bottom of a cooking pot with a very generous amount of olive oil. Dice the cloves of garlic and put them in the olive oil, and set the stove to simmer. While the oil and garlic are getting warm, cut the potatoes into small triangles. Peel them if you want, but I prefer to keep the skins on. Add them to the garlic and oil and turn the heat up to about medium. Stir the potatoes so they get nice and coated in the garlic and olive oil. Next, cut the mushrooms into triangles and add them to the potatoes. I prefer to leave the stems on, but you can remove them if you like. Once all the mushrooms are added, stir them generously into the garlic, olive oil and potatoes. Add more olive oil if you need to keep the cooking pot nice and slick. Let the mixture soak into the potatoes and mushrooms for about 2-3 minutes, then add the 3/4 cup of White Cooking Wine. If you prefer a less salty taste, any cheap white wine will also suffice. Stir the stew after you add the wine and let it cook while you cut your tomatoes into large, long triangles. Do not dice them into small squares. Add them to the stew and stir. Let it sit and cook while you drain and rinse your can of Black Beans. Then you add the beans and stir them in. Now that all of the ingredients are in the stew it’s important to keep stirring so the olive oil, white cooking wine, mushroom and tomato juices all blend together into a sauce. Adjust the heat as necessary. The stew will be done when the potatoes have reached your desired softness. Take it off the heat, let it cool for about five to ten minutes, then serve. It’s going to be hot, but it’s a thick, hearty stew that will keep you warm on a cold day.

And there you have it. Mookie’s World Famous Stew.
Enjoy!

So, Halo 3 came out today.

I used to play First Person Shooters (hereafter FPS), back when Castle Wolfenstein 3-D and Doom first came out. I really enjoyed them, there was just a bit of visceral joy to running around and shooting the enemies in the first-person perspective.

Fast forward to now.

These days, I can’t play FPS games to save my life. After a few short minutes, I get a headache. If I persist, they get worse, to the point that I get a migraine. I’ve learned to live without FPS games, but I have to admit, a day like today makes me wish I didn’t have to.

Halo, as a series, has been interesting to watch over the years. While many FPS purists would decry the game as “polluting” the genre, I disagree. Admittedly, the controls are nowhere near as fine-tuned as they are on a PC, and the limits to the number of people who can be in a single match is quite low comparatively.

But at the same time, not that many games have brought so many people into gaming in general as the Halo series has. While these same purists might say that this influx is also a bad thing, again, I disagree. More gamers means more money in the industry. More money in the industry means more money to make games, which hopefully means more good games.

Up until today, the Halo 3 campaign has been working full force to make sure everyone knows that it’s coming out. From television commercials to tie-ins with various companies, Microsoft is coming at this like it was a major motion picture. And they’ve even said that they hope to make this launch as big, if not bigger, than the Spider-Man 3 release. We’ll know soon enough if they met their mark.

But think about it – something of this scale wouldn’t have been possible a few years ago, for any game. Gaming was, even at the height of the PlayStation 2, a niche hobby. Now, almost everyone knows about it, and chances are strong that everyone you know has at least tried a game.

I’m not foolish enough to say that this is all because of Halo, but games like it, games that appeal to a larger audience than just the ‘gamers’, have brought the whole industry pretty far.

Onto the second half of the post’s title, the second season of Heroes began yesterday. I am a huge fan, and have been since the first episode of the first season. I’ve always preferred serial dramas to episodic stories (for example, I prefer Babylon 5 to the Star Trek series because of B5’s set story arc), so the idea that Heroes has a set (albeit large) number of arcs appeals to me.

I’m also a big fan of the largish ensemble cast, which means that there can be several mini-arcs going at once, in addition to the major season arc. And the characters are more than just cookie-cutter templates; each is different enough to make me remember who they are.

Like Halo, Heroes and other shows like it (Lost, 24, etc.) have brought about a renaissance to television. Granted, this is a renaissance that has been around before, but it’s nice to see it again. With luck, it’ll last a good long while before the next wave of comedy/reality shows/episodic dramas/whatever comes and kicks it off of the top of the hill.

 Okay, enough fanboyishness from me. Go and enjoy, folks!

Sorry guys, I got nuthin’. I have been super busy getting issue 3 ready to ship and working at the theatre that I haven’t had time to even think about something to write, let alone write it up! So, instead, I have another treat for you- guest blogger Garth over here from Comedity! Sure, he’s a creative storyteller, yeah he is an amazing artitst, but did you know he also knows his product design? Well, here’s your chance to find out! -Katy

Apple’s Lost the iPod Touch

Recently Apple launched their latest iteration of their amazingly successful iPod media player. But can Apple continue to ride their iPod wave forever? Based on Apple’s latest offering, the answer seems to be a sad and resigned “no.”

Apple has offered a variety of iPods over the years, and like any director not seeing fit to leave his masterpiece alone, Apple continues to revise and improve their line. That is all well and good, but seeing the current line up, one has to wonder just what Apple was thinking the improvement was.

Currently, Apple offers the ultra portable $79 1GB iPod Shuffle, the $149 4GB iPod Nano, the slightly more expensive ($199) 8GB model, the $249 80GB iPod Classic, its big $349 brother the 160GB Classic, the $299 8GB iPod Touch, and the crème-de-la-crème 16GB version for a scant $100 more.

This season’s iPods (except the Touch) all favor light, pastel color brushed aluminum finishes, though based on the images Apple has on its site you would be more inclined to believe they were made of frosted glass. They really do look far more like aluminum in person, and the colors aren’t quite as atrocious. I have nothing against the brushed aluminum look. It’s hot, and it doesn’t take finger prints nearly as easily as my first gen Nano’s glossy black face. But I have to wonder about the new colors. Kudos to Apple for being able to actually anodize pastel colors into aluminum. I’ve never seen it before. Bravo. However, just because you can do a thing, doesn’t mean it ought to be done. The previous season of iPods all had brilliant colors. They were bold, and vibrant, they said “I am electronic awesomeness wrapped in an aluminum shell! Fear me!” Even the ugly lime green ones. The new colors are all sedate, placid, blending in more than standing out. The original iPod was white, and for a very long time all you could get was white. It was like a model T in reverse. Part of the iPod’s charm was that it was white and stood out amongst the sea of black electronics. And now the iPods sport ho-hum colors, as if they felt they needed to be muted. Shouldn’t our music be vibrant and alive?

Apple didn’t mess with their designs for the iPod shuffle (not that it needs it), or the iPod Classic (which I guess is a classic because its design hasn’t changed too terribly much since the gen one iPod), but Apple did mess with the ultra sexy Nano. The gen one Nanos were hot. Smoking hot. The gen twos got a slight proportion tweak to the sexier and came sporting those hot aluminum shells. And then Apple screwed the pooch. The gen three Nanos are almost square. Not quite, but almost. Sure, they’re about 3 credit cards thick and you can play video, but they’re now squat little buggers. What used to have sleek, tall, elegant proportions, is now about the size and shape of your average condom. I half way expect an iPod Nano commercial to go “Not sure when the moment will turn into the right moment? Keep a Nano in your wallet and always have music to set the mood. iPod Nano, keeping you covered.” Gah. Just what is so flipping awesome about watching video on a two inch screen that Apple felt the need to go and completely bork the Nano’s proportions? I don’t get it. Video isn’t worth it.

The iPod Touch does have the fun feature of a touch screen, and we all love our touch screens. However, the Touch fails to be an iPod and instead sits comfortably with the title of iPhone Lite. It’s an iPhone, but without the phone part! How awesome is that? Way to go Apple. I love the idea of an iPod with a touch screen interface. I don’t love the idea of it being a less functional version of another device. Make an iPod, or make an iPhone. Don’t strip down one to make another. It looks cool, it may even be cool, but it feels far too gimmicky to me; almost as if it exists only to tempt potential customers into buying an actual iPhone.

This season’s iPods are a distinct let down, primarily because Apple is capable of being so much more inventive. They’ve done it before, and I’ve been impressed, but not this time. It feels as if Apple’s marketing team said “we must have new iPods!” but their design team was feeling lazy. And so we, the consumer, got a mediocre offering: pastels, iPhone knockoffs, and condom mp3 players. The iPod wave seems to be crashing.

-Garth Cameron Graham

In a slight departure from normal, not only do I suck a lot at this waking-up-on-time-to-post thing, but also our guest artist has prepared less of an art submission, and more of a philosophical statement upon the subject of being an artist. Ok, so it’s less philosophy and more rant. Anyway, here it is!

I think this says it all for this week. Check the art post below — it’s a little hodgepodge of stuff of the past week that I think you all will enjoy.

TOP TEN THINGS I ***HATE*** ABOUT ART ~ ABRIDGED EDITION
(In order of least to greatest irritation: check out the full meandering edition on http://crybringer.deviantart.com)

[10: Broken lead.]
For people like me who use lead holders, there’s nothing worse than the inch & a half worth of wasted lead that either gets lost in the carpet, or (if you’re like me) is saved in the lead cases, even though you KNOW it’s worthless. Burns me up.
(Lesson learned: That’s the reason my lines are so crisp. I am a soft friggin’ touch on the page.)

[09: The "new technique hangover".]
When you find this SWEET new technique; you’d studied and practiced and you finally GET it… Ready to deploy the newest piece of your arsenal, you pull out a new sheet of paper and… nothing. Back to square one. What a pain!
(Lesson learned: I’ve got a DS Lite. Fills in the time gap.)

[08: BAD art days.]
When you sit down and draw/color/create and for whatever reason, even though you know EXACTLY what to do, when to do it and how… you just zonk out and the art turns to garbage. There’s NO WAY to tell when it’ll happen, but when it does, it ANGERS me.
(Lesson learned: Save your progress and come back with more exp.)

[07: Error blindness.]
You’re just CERTAIN everything is in it’s place! You practiced, you sweated, and you just flew past that trouble spot you were just banking on giving you a migraine. It’s done! The picture’s done, and you move on… then a week later, you come back and EVERY SINGLE ERROR stands out like a sore thumb. What a waste.
(Lesson learned: Carry a blindfold. Then you can brag to your friends that you draw blind and call each good part a “happy accident!”)

[06: The stink of stigmatism.]
There’s just some people I CANNOT show my art to. It’s worse when you give them something you’d assume is “safe” and they treat it like dirty, dirty porn. This is mostly regarding the non-artists out there, or people unfamiliar with your work in general. Navigating that “new viewer minefield” makes me sweat bullets.
(Lesson learned: Fly over the minefield. Be really guarded about who sees the work… but then it’s on the Internet — Doh!)

[05: Understanding the 'art' of 'high art'.]
The disparity is so immense… between the need to know and exercise technique, form & function… and yet look like you threw it all out the window. The need to make your work sound meaningful and hide the alarmingly simple, even accidental process of developing art… The battle against didacticism and cliches and trite work, but employing didactic, trite and cliche forms… It’s headache inducing! I just wanna draw Gradius stuff sometimes!
(Lesson learned: I like the Vic Viper.)

[04: "You draw cartoons... so you can draw ANY cartoon!"]
And really, you can replace “cartoon” with anything else that applies to you, audience. Someone who’s unfamiliar with you and your work, asks you to draw something REMOTELY related to what you do, but it’s SOOOOOOOO far outside your skills, and worse, there’s no reference provided, that you have to awkwardly explain — “yeah, I draw; I draw well… just not THAT.” Embarrassing.
(Lesson learned: Raise the commission rate. Make it worth the extra headache if I’m asked to draw the Winnie the Pooh. Again.)

[03: Perfectionism.]
I’ll never forget this. one of my best friends once said after some guests praised my work: “You know, I don’t think we see the same work that he sees.” Really, I don’t mind a critique. I ignore obvious insults and jabs, but when someone gives me a good critique, I appreciate it — because I’m REALLY hard on myself and sometimes grind to a halt if the work just DOES NOT pass inspection. It just plain sucks!
(Lesson learned: Must… relax… but leg muscle… not… right…must fix!)

[02: Explaining the obvious to the audience.]
It’s like explaining a joke. All the meaning, all the fun, all the excitement of what you’ve spent so long creating — gone. It’s particularly bad when an artist will list the EXACT FRIGGIN REFERENCE they’re using in their comments or discussion. So, read the comments. Be in on the joke! Please?
(Lesson learned: Ummmmm…)

[01: The style arguement.]
This will go with me to my grave. Read my journals. I don’t believe in anything but the natural, true “style” that EVERYONE manifests. You can ape ANY kind of technique. You can copy any sort of image with enough effort. But what makes you, you is unmistakeable. I personally look at
everything, I take the stuff I like, I incorporate it with all the hard knowledge I’ve earned, and hope like hell it holds up. That’s something to admire in an artist — their personal footprint of what they like, what drives them to create and what they’ve done to make the work their own. Their style, their individual, true vision will tell you about the artist — truly “art speaks for itself.”
(Lesson learned: I love art sometimes.)

-CB

One of the comments from a geek lady on the Preface asked where she could find all you Man-Geeks out there. Of course, your friendly neighborhood geek love guru has thoughts on this subject, but I’ll save this for another time. For now, let’s get back to the guide.

Be Yourself

If you forget or ignore every other bit of advice in these columns, please take this first bit to heart. Really, this is all you need for ultimate seduction. But sometimes it helps if someone else reminds you.

Besides, you’re a geek.  This means you’re an awful lier.  Dreadful, really.

Don’t hide your fandom.  When you talk about the things you love, you do so with a fiery passion that will warm the heart of your maiden fare.  She might not fully understand.  But your knowledge and ferver will impress her.  She might even think to herself, “if he’s so passionate about the nuances of Klingon metal working, what else might he be passionate about?”  Your confidence in your fandom will translate to confidence in front of her.

Just Ask Already

Now before you get all nervous and spend endless nights going over how many ways she might reject you, just calm the freak down.  You’ll never know until you try.  She might say no.  She might say YES!  But if you never even ask her out, you’ll spend the rest of your days pining over a missed opportunity.

Go up to your girl, look her straight in the eyes, take a deep breath (oh, and please remember to brush you teeth before hand), and ask her if she would like to go out with you.

Strategery – A Roadmap to Geek Seduction

There are a few schools of thought on what exactly to say when you first ask a girl out.  Generally speaking, it’s probably a bad idea to just blurt out the “L” word if you haven’t even established a solid base of even flirting.  I made that mistake.  I asked the girl in question to take a walk with me around the courtyard in front of the dorms.  We met up and took a few steps and then I looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I’m in love with you.”  Well, she didn’t really say anything.  And we never went out.  And I probably screwed up a decent enough friendship.  I survived, and so will you if you jump in with the “L” word right away, but chances are, you’ll fare much better if you slow play it at first.

If you are going to ask the girl out, and you are, you should probably figure out a place to go out to.  Your initial instincts might be to ask her out to a movie, but this is no good.  Movies are a lousy way to get to know someone.  You don’t really get to engage in real conversation and generally the tongue-down-the-throat attack doesn’t work on the first date.

Coffee is a nice neutral place to start.  Coffee joints provide an excellent atmosphere to get to know one another.  And even if you go to one of the more exotic coffee huts, it’s less expensive than dinner so it seems like less of a commitment and thus less scary for both of you.

If you can’t stand to feed more money to corporate moguls who charge too much for their black water swill and attempt to justify it by naming it different foreign-sounding names, lunch or brunch is a pretty good alternative.  You don’t want to hit her with the dinner thing too early because dinners tend to be a little more serious territory.  Coffee, lunch, brunch are all much more innocent sounding events that have a good chance of cracking even the most reluctant woman.

Alrighty then, we’ll leave it at that for now.  Next week, we’ll talk about the first date.  Oh yes, you will be going on a first date.

Jack Thompson. There. I said it. I invoked him. Now that that unpleasantness is out of the way, I can freely finish this piece whilst I wait for the incoming cease-and-desist to my email inbox.

I invoke JT early, because love him or hate him, he’s successfully become the figurehead for a movement that is based by and large on misconception and hot-button rhetoric. That’s right. A movement. He’s not alone in this, although the average gamer with a mind to stand up for their favorite activity has no idea about any of the other principle players. Lock and load, guys and gals, because that in and of itself should scare you.

Still in the dark? Just recently, California State Sen. Leland Yee tried to introduce a law in California aimed at the control of video games containing “any objectionable and/or violent material”, with such restrictions and judgment of material being in the hands (by and large) of the government of California. Let me backtrack, as “tried” is incorrect here. The bill BECAME LAW. However, in a move to strike down what was shaping up to essentially be an anti-ESRB mandate, the law was deemed as unconstitutional. This isn’t without precedent, as other laws were taken out by eight other jurisdictions, including three appeals courts, which all deemed said laws to be unconstitutional. Victory for common sense, yes? Oh the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! Here comes Ah-nuld, the Governator himself, to appeal the decision. Feel free to simulate the sensation of slamming your head into your desk at any time. Conan the bloody barbarian is putting his foot down against game violence.

How about the 11th hour ruling 2001 ruling which blocked an Indianapolis law banning violent coin-op games?

Let that sink in for a moment. That’s just two states. Two of fifty and a few territories of just lil ol’ U S of A. Let’s check the globe, shall we? Prime Minister Brown of England is currently launching an offensive into strict regulations concerning video games. Germany has a long standing history of out-and-out banning certain titles, adhering age limitations and deciding what (if any) stores may carry or sell these items.

But I digress, and tend to fly off my intended target. We were chatting about the United States here. So, concerning the upcoming Presidential election in 2008, are there any candidates that vouchsafe ol’ JT’s ramblings? Oh. My. Yes. Democratic runner Hillary Clinton. Senator Clinton decided it would be a stroke of brilliance to introduce the Family Entertainment Protection Act in November, 2005. The act in and of itself would have hit retailers with extravagant fines for not being on the ball. I’ll point out, that no such act/consequence exists for movie rental stores, theaters, galleries, museums, grocers, or concert venues beyond the distribution of controlled substances. Brilliant and savvy move by the body politic, that.

How about that hot-and-spicy violence issue, eh? It’s a favorite of pundits, and is laden with the most up-to-date information from any number of unbiased specialists confirming beyond any shadow of a doubt that videogames are little more than Orwellian brain washing offerings placed lovingly into devices which give us an interactive Two Minutes’ Hate.

Mario is ALWAYS at war with Pacifica.

“But Xero,” you may ask; “what proof is out there that proves the bleak Mad-Max future videogames will provide for our babies”? Well, let us have a peak into what the best and brightest of science have to offer! Most recently, it was proven that the VA Tech shooter was the byproduct of years of behavioral conditioning at the hands of bits and bytes. Oh wait. I’m Sorry. According to a investigative panel appointed by Gov. Tim Kaine , he wasn’t. In fact, the panel appointed by that state’s politic found no evidence whatsoever of a connection between video games and the horrible violence that ensued that day. It still didn’t stop some people from leaping to their pulpits before the blood stopped pooling. No video games programed Seung Hui Cho into Charles Bronson. Unless, that is, there was a secret FPS level in Sonic the Hedgehog that I managed to skip. Sonic. Not Shadow. We’re talking pre-hedgehogsploitation here, folks.

But that’s not enough. Let’s go to a previous study by Villanova University, led by Prof. Patrick Markey, which clearly illustrates the sinister subliminal commands issued by the ruling Technocratic- what?

What’s that?

The results were that the measured responses of 167 students who were asked to play violent games like Doom 3 and Return to Castle Wolfenstein as well as tamer titles such as Tetris Worlds and Project Gotham Racing did not produce violent tendencies? Well, ok. Sure. Surely it made them all angry and ill-tempered, however. It’s painfully obvious.

Oh.

Wait…

The titles only produced noticeable spikes in anger with people who have documented anger management issues. Huh. Well for the sake of campaigning, we’ll allow the politicians to merrily obfuscate any connections between offenders and documented histories of mental ailments. Consider it the grown-up version of plugging your ears with your fingers while chanting “I’m not listening,”.

With that in mind, it’s up to the government to wax hegemony and tell parents how to raise their children, in every minute regard concerning every intimate detail of parenthood. Once you have a child, you see, your DNA magically restructures itself so that your higher brain functions cease upon entering a Game Stop or Electronics Boutique.

You shamble along the aisles with your offspring in tow, drooling and moaning the protestations of a wounded animal that’s been absconded out of the familiarity of it’s natural habitat. Your eyes are a fogged-over remnant of sentience as your mind reels and is incapable of taking in the myriad of bright colors and flashy fonts that assail you from every gleaming box on the shelves.

Upon reaching the register, your fight-or-flight mechanism has taken complete control of your adult mammal body. The strange world and it’s denizens inside the store frighten and confuse you to the point where you gladly hand over a wad of cash without a second thought to the consequences, let alone the physical act of turning over the box in your sweating hands to check a rating.

Parents aren’t to blame. One can not stave off the collective voodoo of the Videogame Industry and it’s dark workings on the fragile and easily-tricked mind of your average parent. Parents, ye be warned. Here there be monsters.

Thankfully, such a mental metamorphosis never occurs when taking junior to the local cinema. No sir. Thank the powers that be for a Government that is staffed with individuals who understand that your average parental unit is a moron and your average child is little more than a sponge that takes in any and all information through a process of osmosis that is currently unclassified by modern scientists.

When you get that power-up, the terrorists win.

It’s dangerous to go alone, take these bureaucrats.

Only you can stop frags.

Winners say no to unlocked achievements.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s gamer score.

We will win the war on the electronical entertainments.

So what’s the underlying reason for this kind of knee-jerk campaigning? In a word: games. Games are for children. We’ll ignore the current demographic of 16-35 year olds, because we know what the word “game” means, thank you very much. Additionally, video games are not art; and we’ll gloss over the fact that said issue was once applied to books, movies and music. Video games, at their core, are aimed at turning our rosy-cheeked youths into mindless killing machines. We’ll ignore any research that points to the contrary. There are no bad parents. There are no bad children. Everyone can be trusted, except the ESRB, a self-governing entity designed to answer the threat of non-artistic murder simulators such as *shock and awe* Mortal Kombat. Thanks, Senator Lieberman. I owe you a coke.

Ideally, we consider ourselves a government of the people. Sadly, as is proven time and time again, that means little if the people aren’t informed and vigilant. If you consider yourself a defender of the media; a minuteman (or woman) who’s ready to stand up against ignorance and political vice aimed at your lifestyle, then you owe it to yourself to be aware. Read. Learn. React. Find out who up on the podium REALLY has your interests at heart.

Try Game Politics, ECA, Videogame Voters, and even Kotaku and the Game|Life blog at Wired.

Insert vote. Then insert coin.

-Xero Reynolds

Just here to set things up for the post that is about to go up. Every so often we are going to have guest bloggers on this here site, and frankly I find that awesome. These are not Sketchbook Saturday folks, they’re just your everyday super talented guy or gal that has something to say and convinced me to give them room and stand back.

Anyway, since Jes is on a bit of vacation, I thought today would be a great opportunity to let the ferst guest have his way with the site. I mean post something. So. With that lame intro out of the way, I hope you treat these guests like you would expect to be treated. Pleases and Thank yous, and don’t forget to shake hands like nice boys and girls!