With advice, you get what you pay for. This is certainly true with this series of columns I’m starting today. Should you take any of these musings to heart and apply them to your own lives, you do so at your own risk.

What qualifies your friendly neighborhood web monkey to wax poetic on the jutsu of love? Certainly, it’s not my successes. You’re looking at a man who never dated in high school or college, had sex for the first time at the ripe old age of 23, and divorced after a single year of marriage. Yes friends, my fail rate far exceeds my win rate. Yet my win chi destroys my fail chi! I have learned from my sad attempts to conjure love and am glad to report that I am now happily married and plan to be for the rest of my days. I hope to pass on some of the lessons that I have learned through years of fail.

Ladies, I won’t bother giving you any advice. Let’s face it. You have the Happy Fun Bags. That’s like getting 1600 on the SATs for just spelling your name correctly. You win at the loves. This guide focuses on us geeky guys who wouldn’t know love if it ripped off our pants and played tonsil hockey with our Happy Fun Bag.

You Don’t Need Any Help

Before we get to far, we have to determine whether or not you really need help. The following not-so-hypothetical situations should indicate that you’re doing just fine. You just might not recognize your good fortune.

• If you’re at a dance and two really hot girls come up to get jiggy with you, chances are at least one of them wants to see some of your “other” moves. Numbers. Get them!
• Later that evening, if one of the ladies tracks you down to your hotel room, FOR THE LOVE OF KAHLESS GET HER FREAKING NUMBER!
• If you’re sitting at a really boring event and the hot chick across from you nods for you two to sneak off together, FOLLOW THAT CHICA!
• When you’re visiting another college for a meeting and the sexy lady that you’ve met before asks if you want to spend the night, don’t worry about how you’re going to get home the next morning. Freaking spend the freaking night!
• If a sexy co-ed walks into your dorm, closes the door, locks it, and says she’s always had this “thing” for you, she’s not talking about that box set of Andromeda that you’ve been lusting after. She. Wants. YOU!
• When the super model hot woman invites you over to her place for drinks and sunsets, SHE DOESN’T JUST WANT YOU FOR CONVERSATION! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE A MOVE!

You may be thinking to yourself, man, I’ll never be in any of these situations. That’s what I thought. And because I was ill prepared, I completely failed to recognize opportunities for geek seduction that were virtually thrown at my man parts. So if you find yourself in these situations often, you don’t need any help. You just need to do something about it.

For everyone else, you might need some sort of game plan. So let’s get you started.

Target Acquired

The good news is that in this day and age, the smoking hot woman you have naughty dreams about every waking and sleeping hour probably has geeky tendencies. You’re in luck! Geek is the new chic for the ladies.

There are, however, certain basic standards that you potential target must meet before you set your sites on Geek Seduction. Don’t forget, your brain meats need stimulation, much more so than your man meats. We’re aiming for quality relationship territory here, not some one-night-stand drunken mistake. You deserve better than that so don’t you dare sell yourself short.

In no particular order, here are some suggested guidelines:

• She must know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars (don’t laugh, I met a woman who did not. Very attractive, but completely sheltered from fandom. Thus, we had nothing in common). She doesn’t need to know that Klingons used to have smooth heads, that Anakin is a little emo nancy boy who grows up to be Darth Vader, or the nuances of warp drive. But she must know the difference. It indicates that she’s aware of and open to pop culture phenomenons which you are most likely intimately familiar with.
• Alternatively, if she’s into Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, you’re good to go. Either one might be her only brush with geekdom, but they’re enough to get the conversation started.
• If she’s into manga and anime, go for it! However, if she’s into InuYasha, stay the hell away. She’s twelve and that’s illegal!
• She must appreciate your humor. She doesn’t have to fall on her ass every time you crack a joke, but she must at least smile. As a geek, your humor is one of your greatest weapons. You’re a funny mofo. You know it. And she’s got to see it.
• You must be able to hold an interesting conversation with her. If you’re too nervous to talk to her (and you shouldn’t be because you’re a magnificent specimen of man geek you sexy beast you) or if she bores you to death, chances are she’s not the one for you.
• She’s got to like you. Obvious, I know. But you can’t try to force someone to get along with you. If she doesn’t want to know you as a friend, and she’s clearly demented if that’s the case, don’t waste your time. We’re talking like as in friend like, not like as in OMGZ I can’t believe Johnny likes me I totally never knew I hope he asks me to prom like.

See, that’s not that bad. Most women, hell, most everyone you will want to interact with anyway meets those basic standards.

In short, she has to “get” you or at least “get” some aspect of you.

Once you’ve got your target, it’s time for the approach. We’ll tackle that subject next week when Super Geek Seduction Guide GO! continues!

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This entry was posted on Friday, September 14th, 2007 at 1:42 am and is filed under geek love, Angry Zen Master. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. Both comments and pings are currently closed.