Dear Nintendo,

I’ll get right to the point: Stop screwing with me. My name is Link. I’ve been called the Hero of Time, I have wielded the Master Sword, and I have slain Ganon and his minions innumerable times. I am as much a synonym of your brand as that plumber guy, and I practically carried the company when you thought it was a good idea to stick to cartridges for that whole “N64” thing. ……So what in the name of the Triforce am I doing DRIVING A DAMN CHOO-CHOO TRAIN?

I always wondered when it would come to this. Over the years, you’ve transformed me from a heroic youth into a deformed, anime-eyed midget who probably needs a Ritalin prescription more than a sword or shield. But that’s cool. Me and the fans have dealt with it, and moved on. Wind Waker was apparently quite an enjoyable experience for many, despite how ridiculous I looked. That’s why I never played it. Here’s a quick memory jog for those of you who have fogotten where everything went downhill:

Okay, so Twilight Princess was a step in the right direction. But must every right step be followed by a step backwards? Disguise it all you want in that trailer, but I’ve got the Triforce of Wisdom, bitches. What you’re really saying is, “OooOOOoh, look, fanboys! This train shoots cannonballs!” Since when have I NEEDED cannonballs? Heck, since when have I needed a TRAIN to get places?

And while I’m talking about fanboys, I’ve heard some rumors on this internet thing that you are all quite happy that Zelda is included in this game. Excuuuuuse me? Did someone drop you all off Death Mountain? This series isn’t called Legend of LINK. (It should be, but that’s another rant.) It’s called The Legend of Zelda. And there’s a reason for that.

Because, for as badass as I am when you bother to draw me correctly, ultimately, that worthless broad Zelda is more important than I ever will be. So let’s get this straight, fan boys – you’re happy she’s included, because at some point they took her OUT? You’ve done a bang-up marketing job, Nintendo. Somehow you’ve confounded the masses into congratulating you when you include the title character in the games now.

Really, I am all for change. I know I’ve been doing more or less the same thing for the last 25 years. You’re trying to draw a new audience into a series traditionally reserved for the hard-core fan base that supported you in your infancy as children, who are now being all but forgotten. I know I’m no Wii Fit or Wii Sports, and you don’t need me like you used to.

But seriously. I’m DRIVING A TRAIN. The Hyrule theme is being performed by fiddles, and Zelda is about to knight me or something while I’m wearing a conductor’s hat too small for my deformed little head.  Get me off this train and put me back on track. Er… Off of them. Far, far, away from them.

Thanks guys, and best regards to Miyamoto-san,

Link

P.S. It’s a new century, and I’d kinda like to have a spoken line. Samus got one…

Stumble it!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 at 10:42 pm and is filed under Satire, Scott Strichart, games. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. Both comments and pings are currently closed.