Greetings, Soldiers of the Future!

Hallowe’en is approaching fast, so it’s important that I impart on you some vital information that could make the difference between whether you have a killer Hallowe’en… or a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en (trust me, no one wants a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en; I’ve seen pictures and it’s downright frightening).

I’m sure you all remember that I recently came into some prize items at the recent horror convention shindig.  Let me remind you: it was a brisk, autumn evening.  I was dressed as some character from a series of movies that a couple people have seen.  I raised a few eyebrows.  I won some stuff.  The end.

Only it’s not the end.  See, one of those prizes (if you actually read my stuff remember) was that life-size, cardboard standee of Freddy Krueger.  Well, needless to say he found a warm cozy spot in Casa de The Don rather quickly:

As you can see, he is quite happy standing under his street sign in our foyer/dining room/entrance to the kitchen/walkway to the stairs/post you have to go around to get to the downstairs bathroom.  From there, he is free to greet anyone who is foolish enough to come into our home through our front door.

This would include Mrs. The Don.

This leads me to today’s lesson, kids – How to Scare the Bejeezus Out of Your Loved One(s) with Your Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee Appropriately and Responsibly (or HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR for short).  This is part two of a three-part series.  If you haven’t completed part one yet, please turn the record over and begin on side A.

Let’s begin (click on the images to see them larger):

Step 1:

Always make sure your loved one is greeted warmly from the bushes when they come home from work.  They have had a long, rough day, and a simple hello from a severely burned child-murderer is just the thing to lift their spirits:

And remember – daytime is okay, but night time is generally better, as it reduces glare.

Step 2:

When your loved one brings in the mail, make sure that they are shown exactly how appreciated their efforts are.  A simple, razor-gloved greeting can make all the difference between having your post handed to you lovingly… or being tossed to you in a screaming, violent frenzy:

Step 3:

Sometimes, it’s important for your Freddy standee to have friends over so that your loved one doesn’t feel so lonely on those cold, late nights when she’s home alone.  Having both of them there together provides the type of company that tells your loved one, “We’ll always be here whenever you turn around.”:

Step 4:

Ever run out of TP before you were finished?  With your Freddy standee, this doesn’t have to be a problem for your loved ones anymore.  The Dream Master will make sure you always have an extra roll handy… or two for those extra…“surprises”:

Step 5:

Everybody loves ninjas (except those blasted pirate-lovers).  What better way to show your loved one that you are a fun person who is up-to-date on the latest stealth techniques than by teaching your Freddy standee the art of ninja.  With a few quick and easy lessons (available where the HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR album series is sold), you’ll have your sweater-clad menace descending from the rafters with ease for a rousing, family-friendly game of hide-and-seek:

Step 6:

What better way to top off the end of a long day then to have your homicidal nightmare help your loved ones with chores before bedtime.  From doing the dishes to mowing the lawn to helping your loved ones put their laundry away in the closet, your loved one will be extremely grateful to have the free time to relax before a solid night of restful sleep:

And there you have it!  Take it from me, two-time Bejeezus-scaring champion The Don – follow these six steps, and you’ll find yourself becoming a master Bejeezus-scarer in no time with your Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee.

Pleasant dreams, Mrs. The Don!

The Don is sooo sleeping on the couch tonight.  At least Mr. Krueger will be keeping him company.

…congratulations to Richard and Katy, the supreme rulers of the Spwugniverse!!!!!

They are the essence of everything that is Spwug.  Without either of them, this site wouldn’t be here to bring you a daily dose of all things geek.

It was an honor and a privilege to witness the joining of these two forces of good.  They are my friends.  They are my family.  I am proud to be the head writer of something they envisioned, and I am proud to be a part of their lives.

My best wishes to both of you, Pocky Rich and Katy.  Here’s to bigger and greater things.  With your powers combined, anything is possible.

Here we are again, this time with a working monitor! Third time really is the charm, I guess. And now that I can finally stare at the screen without getting a low-resolution-induced headache, it’s time to ramble on and get caught up. This rant isn’t as timely as it would’ve been a week ago, but my indignation hasn’t waned in the slightest. Food geekery is, as they say on the Internets, SRS BSNS.

On a recent episode of the food challenge series Man v Food, Adam Richman took on the Mystery Challenge at Munchies 420 Cafe’ in Sarasota, Florida. (The inconsistency of punctuation in the name is their doing, not mine–maybe whoever made the name official did so shortly after 4:20 PM?)

Little warning: please be careful visiting the above link to the Munchies homepage if you’re prone to motion sickness; a few people I showed that website to complained of nausea or headache from the spinning background, myself included. If Munchies is trying to subliminally make us think that drugs are bad (mmkay), that’s doing a fantastic job! After ten minutes of looking at their spinnerific pages, I definitely did not want to embark on a drug trip. However, I also did not have the munchies and certainly didn’t even want to THINK about their nachos and tater tots. A brief nap and some aspirin was far more appealing after viewing the Munchies website.

This may sound like I’m writing just to snark on Munchies. That’s not actually my intent. So let’s move on back to Man v Food, where it turned out that Adam’s Mystery Challenge was a hunka-hunka burnin’ Fire in Your Hole Wings, smothered in sauce containing extract from the world’s certified hottest chili pepper, the bhut jolokia, or ghost pepper.

Adam had to eat ten wings in twenty minutes without drinking anything. He was a dead man within two wings, admitting his defeat. End of episode.

Only…turns out Munchies’ victory wasn’t an entirely honest one.

Later, on Adam’s Travel Channel video blog, he mentions (while still in very bad shape from the ghost peppers’ attack–the video’s linked below) that one of Munchies’ staff admitted to overdoing it on the ghost pepper extract for Adam’s challenge.

Hey, wait a minute! I watch Man v Food because I wanna see Adam take on REAL challenges! The same challenges served to everyone else who attempts them. How are we supposed to know how serious a challenge really is when the odds are tampered with?

But that’s not what’s really burning my goats here. It’s that Munchies is incredibly irresponsible with their ghost peppers. Bhut jolokia is serious stuff, folks. As Adam mentions in his video blog, ghost peppers are used to repel wild elephants in Asia. They can cause serious reactions in humans who consume too much of the fiery fury. In short, ghost peppers are not something you want to mess around with or play jokes with. And not only did Munchies up Adam’s dosage, they also tell customers where to buy ghost peppers–without mentioning any of the risks, at least not in the link I found to their pepper dealer on one of Munchies’ pages. (No, I will not link you to where you can get ghost peppers. You’ll have to make with the online detectivin’ yourself on this ‘un. Adam Richman is correct in his video blog post when he says he won’t tell you how to buy them–even if you’re a chili-head who loves your hot stuff, ghost peppers are NOT a game, NOT a thrillseeking stunt. You need to do your ghost pepper research before you even think of taking a nibble.)

The whole episode and its aftermath left me with a bad (but non-peppery) taste. Man v Food is all about taking you to great new places to eat and explore, but I’ve gotta say, this is the first episode that’s made me want to stay away from the place featured. Good job, Munchies 420 Cafe’!

If you’d like to see Adam’s attempt at the Mystery Challenge, do that clickin’ thing here.

If you’d like to see Adam’s follow-up video blog of his pain-filled aftermath, look no further than this link here.

It’s 2 AM Wednesday morning. Where, you may ask, is that weirdo DKM Marlink’s Tuesday evening post?

Well, it was eaten by a Grue. Two Grues, in fact. Named Dell and Cox, respectively.

Cox’s cable service has taken to dropping out at regular intervals. This is annoying and prevents me from doing the necessary research for my Spwug articles, but is more of a delay than a wall across the road. It’s Dell who’s the crueler of the two monsters.

The monitor I’m using right now, the 2408WFP A02, just arrived from Dell earlier today (well, yesterday now). It was sent to replace a replacement monitor (!!) but is faultier than the (replacement!!) monitor it’s supposed to be, you know, replacing. I can’t actually see part of what I’m typing right now, due to a huge pink horizontal band that divides the screen and causes the bottom of my desktop to be hidden from view. After spending about five hours of quality time with Dell on the phone and its (totally unhelpful) website to replace the first monitor, it looks like Dell’s now demanding cuddle time from us, after the red-hot passions that led to the birthing of this second monitor. Not looking forward to that grating hold music yet again….

Thank all the Powers What Is for unlimited five-year warranties.

If things come to a happy conclusion, expect me to be back on track by Tuesday. If they don’t end happily…well, look for another Dell rant next week!

Greetings, SAINT prototypes!

I’m feeling a little under the weather this week (no, I don’t have Hamthrax), so I’m keeping this one short.  Luckily for me, yesterday provided me with the perfect gift to leave you with…

You remember the film shoot I was in about a month ago up in West Virginia, right?  At least, I hope so – I’ve been talking about it incessantly like an obsessive fanboy who just met Hayden Panettiere.

The little teaser trailer filmed by Darkstone Entertainment that I got to play a role in, Plan 9, just went live yesterday at its official website to commemorate the 50^th anniversary of the original Plan 9 From Outer Space.  The trailer looks incredible, and I’m proud to be a part of it.

Originally, the remake itself was supposed to make its debut yesterday, but director Johnny Johnson delayed filming so as to procure a bigger budget that would allow him to film the movie in super 35mm film instead of super 16mm.  This means that the film will be higher quality.  But, so that he could still honor the anniversary, Johnny filmed the trailer first so that he could present fans and the curious alike with something to tide them over until the film is complete.

Hopefully, the trailer is enough meat to satisfy those hungry for more, as filming does not begin until spring of next year.

So, give it a look-see.  Enjoy, and see if you can find me lurking within its celluloid goodness…

The Don is a McHobo Happy Meal, served up special between 1:48 and 1:51.

…I found them!!

They were at a Big K-Mart down the street.  I was tempted to buy the whole box, but in the end I just bought six.

My search is over.  We now return you to your regularly-scheduled program, already in progress…

Tonight’s update is brief, and comes to you courtesy of the latest Sony demonspawn…which this household has spent much of the past 24 hours trying to conquer.

The new PlayStation 3’s 3.0 firmware update has come out, and a lot of gamers are wishing it’d go back in. Suddenly, our Friends lists have become big and blocky hot messes, each name trapped inside a gray box that would have looked slick on a website back in 2003.

And apparently, Sony must’ve felt that the PlayStation Store was too difficult for gamers to find; now, there are multiple Store links, scattered throughout your menu. Browsing your videos? You can jump straight to the PlayStation Store’s video department and buy more! Deciding which game to play? Well, why not just leap right into the Store’s game section and buy a brand-new one? BUY, PEOPLE, BUY! No, that’s not enough! BUY EVEN MORE!

The most irritating part of it all is that Sony seems to have overloaded itself with its high-reaching ambitions. While some people seem to have had a flawless update, many others report being unable to connect to the PlayStation Network, or appearing to be connected despite no one else seeing their status as online. Which, I don’t need to tell you, puts a serious damper on multiplayer gaming with your friends when you can’t find one another. Our own PlayStation 3 has been stubborn about connecting since the update. If it connects at all, it’s a long, slow process, but usually it just times out. Or disconnects within minutes. While I’m sure we’re stuck with the other changes, I hope the PlayStation Network connection gets back up to speed soon.

That said, the changes aren’t all bad–I like the new startup sound. The old rising orchestra was far too loud. Now, we don’t have to scramble for the speaker system’s remote every time the game console boots up. And the sparkles are a nice visual touch.

So, if you guys will excuse me, it’s back to trawling threads for more information on what good this 3.0 update is going to be. By which I mean, when the heck we can expect normal connectivity to the PlayStation Network.

Till next time!

… this is what happens when folks use my shower without asking me first.

Not really.

I ordered this set and got it last week.  I decided I wanted something different.  I mean, Spider-Man is my boy, but I’ve been staring at him while under the showerhead for over a year now.  I wanted to change things up.

And this set really stood out to me on Thinkgeek.  It’s just so frikkin’ cool!  It appeals to the horror film nerd in me, and will definitely serve as a conversation starter whenever my folks come to visit.  In fact, I do believe that conversation will go something like this:

Mom:  “Donnie, there’s seriously something wrong with you.  We love you, but we need to go.”

Dad:  ” I don’t, but I’m not sticking around either.”

Celebrity voices were impersonated.

You’ve likely already seen the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie reviews from our very own Donnie Sturges and Krellion. Their reviews are much better than mine, for the sheer fact that they ARE reviews. I bring you…more of an anti-review. A hopeful handful of laughs. A mockery, if you will.

Does that mean I thought the movie was awful? Heck, no! I had a blast! (Not as literal as the explosive blasts in the movie itself, mind you.) I went in expecting nothing but a lot of cool explosions, and I was not disappointed.

But the greatest thing about G.I. Joe is that it refuses to take itself seriously. It’s self-aware. Of its toy-line past. Of its 80s cartoon roots. Of the fact that it’s taking a cheesy, cartoony concept and ramping it up to eleven. As Donnie Sturges inspired me to say after the movie, the sheer meta of it all threatens to collapse in upon itself into a gigantic black hole of self-referencing. And it’s awesome.

That said, there’s a lot about this movie you can laugh with. And, sometimes, laugh at. I scribbled down numerous things that stuck in my head, and I now present them here for you. Please note: not all of these actually happened as I present them–not beyond the first line of each, anyways. Mostly, they’re more…things the characters should have said/done, but didn’t, except for in my head at the time. If you see this movie, you’ll probably find similar conversations running through your own noggin. These are also completely out of order, by the way. Are there spoilers in here? How should I know? It’s a brainless fun movie that may or may not even actually HAVE a plot to be spoiled! Read at your own risk, children.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt/The Doctor: I’m the Doctor.
Christopher Eccleston/McCullen: No, you bloody well are not! I’m the bloody Doctor! Where’s the TARDIS? Where’s my agent?
Lackey #1: Sir! Your accent! You’re supposed to be Scottish in this movie, sir!
Christopher Eccleston/McCullen: Bloody hell! I mean….Away, an’ bile yer heid, banger!
David Tennant: (Off-camera) If thae were wantin’ a Scottish Doctor, thae ought t’hae asked me!
Lackey #1: (Whispering to Lackey #2) I thought Gordon-Levitt was that kid from “Third Rock from the Sun.” Didn’t he, like, retire or die or something?

(Introducing Duke and Ripcord to the Joes)
Scarlett: Hello, boys, I’m Scarlett. I’m a hot redheaded bombshell who knows stuff, but don’t worry about competition–the women in this movie are only strong female characters when it’s beneficial to the plot. (Male cast: *Whew*) The rest of the time we’ll just be showing off our bodies and playing hard-to-get. I’ll be sure to scream your names in a girly voice when I think you’re in danger.
Ripcord: I think you should only scream MY name in in a girly voice, when you use that kung-fu action grip to–
General Hawk: This is only a PG-13 movie, soldier! Now you know, and knowing is half the–
Audience –Yeah, we saw that one coming.
Ripcord: Heh heh. That’s what she said.

White House Staffer: Mr. President, we must take you to the bunker. The whole world is in grave danger.
President: You mean–?
White House Staffer: Yes, sir. Your accent won’t stop changing.

(Snake Eyes does something typically risky)
Scarlett: SNAKE!
Otacon: Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAKE!
Scarlett: Who the hell are you?

Scarlett: SNAKE!
Snake Eyes: (Hand signals that translate to “What is it now, woman?!”)
Scarlett: Why are you white?

In another part of the world….
(Badly-rendered CG polar bear can’t live with his jerky animations anymore and commits suicide, seconds before an enemy aircraft lands on the ice)
Baroness: We’ve captured a Joe.
Storm Shadow: Handcuff him. If you put one of the world’s top soldiers in handcuffs, he’s TOTALLY helpless!

(Because you should always trust the evil Japanese ninja who’s actually a Korean man.)

The Doctor: It’s time for the COBRA to RISE up and reveal itself.
McCullen: O I C WUT U DID THAR

(Ripcord steals an enemy jet)
Scarlett: Is it true what they say about black boys?
Ripcord: That they know how to handle their big, black…stolen jet toys? You know it, baby.

Ripcord: I CAN’T VOICE-CONTROL THIS JET THAT I STOLE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I’D BE UNABLE TO COMMAND A JET I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
Scarlett: Maybe it responds to McCullen’s ancestral Scottish moonspeak. I speak Celtic!
Ripcord: Since when, cracka chick?
Scarlett: Since it was convenient to the plot!
Ripcord: Hey, wait, there ain’t no single Celtic langua–
Scarlett: DON’T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR POINTLESS REAL-WORLD FACTS.

Cobra Commander: DUUUKE. I AM YOUR–**
Duke: Daddy? Is that you?
Cobra Commander: ….Ex-girlfriend’s brother. What the eff is WRONG with you, man?
Duke: DUDE. HOW DID I MISS THIS TOTALLY OBVIOUS PLOT TWIST.
M. Night Shyamababallamaramalamadingdong: Wut a TWEEST!

**Yes, I know the correct Star Wars quote is “No, I am your father.” Don’t ruin my feeble attempts at humour!

This last one actually happened exactly as I write it (bonus TRUTH!):

White House Staffer: Mr. President, telephone. The French are very upset.
Numerous people in the audience and also the voice inside my head: Of course they’re very upset! They’re French!

Bet you can’t wait to go see the movie now, can you?

Annnnnnd…I’m back! Don’t applaud or nothin’….

Do I hear…chirping?

That’s a fine way to say hallo, after I’ve gone to all the trouble of going down to Panama City Beach, Florida and bringing you all back a souvenir! But because I love you all THIIIIIIS much, I’ll give it to you anyways.

What is it, you ask? Is it that webcomic review I promised you’d get on the 11th since you wouldn’t get it on the 4th?

Well…no. No, it isn’t. The moral of this story, kids, is to always expect the unexpected when it comes to road trips. In my case, the “unexpected” was a complete replacement of my car’s compressor, radiator, front engine mount, and several other bits ‘n’ ends (I am so over Honda after owning two…I’m going back to Toyota for my next car!) I got home from Florida half a week later than originally planned. And so, due to an extreme lack of time, you don’t get your promised, already-delayed webcomic review this week. Can you ever forgive me?

What’s that, you say? “Give us this present, and maybe we’ll consider it”? Well, fine, then. Here you are! I bring you…the beach.

“The beach?” you ask. “What’s a beach have to do with a geek blog? Beaches aren’t geeky! The sand and the salt water damages our portable electronics. The sun makes it hard to see our tiny screens. It’s almost impossible to get a wireless signal by the ocean. And geeks don’t tan; we BURN! What about the beach could possibly be pleasing to us?!”

Oh, come on, give me SOME credit here! I took this photo from the balcony of the condo I was staying in:

Now THAT’S geekery at its finest.

(….Don’t get the joke? Then you suck need some education about the Battlefield video game series. First, look at this webpage for Battlefield: Bad Company. Then look at this Easter Egg from Battlefield 1943. [It's a shame how explaining a joke ruins the punchline.])

“Oh, PLEASE! THAT’S our souvenir?! But that’s just cheap and CHEESY!”

Well, isn’t that what beach souvenirs are supposed to be?

Like LeVar Burton, I’ll see ya next time!