Guys, what with San Diego Comic-Con going on last weekend, all the geeky announcements coming from said con, StarCraft II dropping this week, and the webcomic Dreamless ending yesterday (Monday, July 26th), I actually was so flooded with topics that I honestly didn’t know what to write about this week. Luckily, two tickets to a free pre-release showing of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World saved me from hours of pointless self-debate. My boyfriend has awesome connections, man. (Despite popular misconception on the blogging sites that link to me, I am, in fact, a chick. *Cheepcheep*)

Don’t worry, North American moviegoers. The film won’t be released here till August 13th, and I won’t be spoiling your experience with a plotariffic review here and now. This is just a gush post. I’m going to predict right now that this is the best movie I will see all year (sorry, Tony Stark). It is, in fact, the best movie I have seen, not just this year, but in many years. We just saw it for free, but my little household is already planning to go see it again, with pocketbooks wide open, as soon as it opens in theaters. And quite possibly see it again, and again, and again.

Okay, so, I’m a Scott Pilgrim newbie. I’d never even heard of the series until I went to see Iron Man 2 this spring, and my friends were geeking out over a poster for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. From the snatches of conversation I could decipher (I was also playing Zelda on my DS at the time, which may have affected my comprehension), Scott Pilgrim was the Best Comic Evar, and this movie was going to be the Best Movie Evar. I filed it away as “interesting; may have to check out this Scott thing” and then promptly forgot it in the wake of Tony Stark Being Awesome. Let’s face it, that’s far too easy to do. Then I continued to forget about the existence of Scott Pilgrim until yesterday, when I received a text from my significant other about those famous free tickets to the advance showing. So, yeah. That’s me, going into the movie blinder than a hundred thousand blind cave fish with severe astigmatism and broken glasses. I didn’t know what to expect.

When the movie began–began!–with the opening sound of The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (the electronic harp heard at the beginning of the below video), I knew that this Scott Pilgrim and I were going to get along just fine.

Click here to view the embedded video.

In fact, there is one character who is frequently playing The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past during the movie, and I have to admit–I didn’t hear a single word of dialogue while those sounds were playing in the background. I think I could watch that movie a hundred times–and I plan to–and I’ll never be able to tell you what’s being discussed when Zelda 3 is in the movie’s hizzouse. Talk about tunnel vision, man.

Okay, I’m trying to drag myself away from Zelda now. Really, I am. I understand that the greatest video game series of all time making a cameo isn’t enough to draw some people into the theater. Picky, picky. But all joking aside, as much as I fangasmed at the Zelda-ness, that wasn’t what made me love the movie. If there had been no Hyrulean presence whatsoever (and it was also referenced aside from the music, by the way), I would still have declared this The Best Movie I Have Seen In Years. I read up…a LOT…on the original comic series today and even got to read a little bit of the work itself. From what I can tell in my incredibly limited experience, the movie seems to hold true to the geek parody-loving, metahumour style that seems to be the comic’s standard. I can already point out places where the movie cut and squished things together a bit to make it all work in two hours, but I see that as giving me something new to look forward to when I read the full series. There are super-fast visual cuts from character to character and scene to scene near the beginning of the movie that you might find a little unsettling or confusing, but the film very quickly calms down and remembers it’s a movie, not a comic book, and that panel-to-panel behaviour doesn’t work so well in most live-action. Still, though, the movie does a terrific job of sticking with its graphic novel roots. Sound effects are written out on the screen as they happen, for example, and two people can literally throw each other around the room without taking damage. Batman would approve! You know, if he wasn’t too busy angsting over his parents being dead and all.

And, dear elder gods, but this movie is FUNNY! The theater was less than half full (very few tickets given away for this particular screening), but, frequently, the audience was laughing and cheering so loudly that the movie would be completely drowned out for a few seconds. Did I mention the movie was funny? I actually got a stitch in my side from laughing so hard, and my boyfriend seemed to be having trouble breathing at times.

Now, I went into the movie blind, but you don’t have to. (Stop reading now if you want the comic/movie to be a total blank slate for you.) Here’s a belated Wikipedia blurb on what Scott Pilgrim and his ilk are on about in the comic and movie:

The series is about 23-year-old Canadian Scott Pilgrim, a slacker, hero, and part-time bassist who is living in Toronto and plays bass guitar in the band “Sex Bob-Omb.” He falls in love with American delivery girl Ramona V. Flowers, but must defeat her seven “evil [exes]” in order to date her. (Read the rest of the article for more on the story.)

But if you think this is just a romance story, you’d better re-examine that theory. Scott Pilgrim is all about adventure, a “real-life” video game where ninja attacks are to be expected, Bollywood song-and-dance fights are considered a viable way to settle your differences, no one bats an eye at a vegan going Super-Saiyan and punching holes in the moon, people explode into coins when they’re defeated (but it’s not “real” money, being Canadian and all–I kid, I KID!), and sometimes, you find out the worst enemy you have to face to win the princess is Dark Link yourself.

If parody and metahumour and a little touch of love are your bag, baby, then you want to see this movie. If you’re not a fan of geek humour…then I don’t know what the hell you’re doing on this website. Go watch your American football games and try to convince me that it’s not gay when the guys slap their teammates’ asses. You’re only fooling yourself. Actually, because I’m all about love and peace and sharing and all that crap, I’m also going to recommend Scott Pilgrim vs. the World to you, ’cause expanding your horizons “ain’t never hurt nobody”. Trust me, you’ll enjoy the film! Here, have a little trailer to prove it:

Click here to view the embedded video.

And now, if you’ll pardon me for this week, I’ve got to go add six new comic books to my Amazon.cacom wishlist….

“But there are so many video game webcomics out there!” some may cry. “Why would I be interested in checking out this one?”

Because it’s damn funny, that’s why! You silly kids and yer questions….

Katie Tiedrich’s site, AwkwardZombie.com, features a weekly webcomic that mostly focuses on Nintendo games, along with some World of Warcraft, Phoenix Wright, Borderlands, and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, among others. You’ll also get healthy doses of Tiedrich’s slice-of-(fantasy)-life pie.

Pie? Dang, I must be hungry.

AwkwardZombie.com does a fine job of pointing out those little fallacies and game-holes we all like to lovingly poke fun at, augmented by its caricature art style. (Usin’ big thinky-words done maked me look SMART, y’awll!) The most recent comic–as of this posting, at least–is having a laugh at The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks. It especially sang to me since I’m playing through the game right now and have similar occasional frustrations. Click each picture here for fullsize goodness, as Spwug’s cramped formatting makes for some squashy-lookin’ pics.

This comic speaks truth! WHY can’t you control Zelda normally when playing her? WHY do you have to draw a shaky pre-set path for her to follow? WHY does the path always need to be altered to avoid new dangers as soon as she starts walking it? WHY IS A CHILD LIKE LINK ALLOWED TO DRIVE TRAINS ALONE ALL OVER NEW HYRULE??

I complain because I love. I do mean that. Spirit Tracks has been my crack for months now. It’s just got a few things that could be improved upon, like every other game in existence. Moving along…!

A big chunk of the comic’s earlier content came from Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Lots of people picked to live in a house! Insert further “Real World” spoofing here! But yes, comedy and mayhem do ensue when your roommates consist of Roy, Marth, and Link….

…As well as Mewtwo, and cameos by the rest of the gang, including Snake, Otacon, and Pikachu. Poor Otacon. No one ever really cares, huh? Well, except Naomi, and we all know how that went, don’t we?

What you’ve already seen is what you get with these comics, and that’s just dandy by me. There’s no ongoing story to try to catch up on, no deeper meaning to discern (unless it’s “do something dumb in your video game, and it will get mocked on the Internet”). It’s just fun, cracky comics, starring the big and small guns of video gaming! Simple and entertaining. After a hard day in the real world, who doesn’t want to come home to see that on their computer monitors? What are ya, emo or somethin’?

Warning to the anti-emo: the journals below the comics are sadly sometimes prone to the self-deprecating “Waah, waah, I can’t draw, I suck, yet I keep making comics that I want you to keep reading even though THEY SUCK” comments that irritate me so much. But I’m happy to add that those are mostly found in earlier comics. The journals have largely become less negative and more neutral or positive in more recent times. Of course, there are rare moments where self-deprecation actually = comic humour!

I’ll leave you with a The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess comic that made me grin. I love Tiedrich’s snarky Midna in her Twilight Princess comics! Then we’ll chase that with a few more, mostly Zelda-related, comics. The artist really seems to love her Zelda jokes, and it shows!

And if you’ve ever raised an eyebrow at all of attorney Phoenix Wright’s underage “assistants”, you’ll give a chuckle and a knowing nod to this comic.

Another “PREACH it, sistah!” moment from Twilight Princess (and also Ocarina of Time). I remember shooting an arrow at a Big Poe in Ocarina of Time just as the sun came up, only to see my missile rip right through the spot where the Poe had been floating one second earlier. ARRRGH!!

And one final comic from Ocarina of Time. Yes, Navi, I’m pretty sure that counts as “cruel and unusual punishment” under Hyrulean law.

That’s all for now. Till next time, hop on over to AwkwardZombie.com and catch up on its offerings!

Enjoy!

To sum up, the Foglios will be creating a comic and other odds and bodkins to go with PlayStation Home’s upcoming steampunk area. Often regarded as bloatware where users go to harass other users (or get harassed by other users), this may be the one thing for many PS3 owners that makes them actually want to blow the dust off their Home accounts and log in. At least, I know that’s how it’s working for me.

I’ll be keeping a close eye on this development. You know, so you don’t have to. (Because who really follows Home news, anyways?)

Now, back to harassing other Home users–I mean, enjoying an enriched and healthy and social PlayStation Home experience.

I touched on the unique and beautiful art style of the upcoming The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword in last week’s E3 article. Since then, new information has come out regarding the visuals, like in this article from Kotaku: “Skyward’s unique visual style, which looks like a halfway meeting between Wind Waker and Twilight Princess, was inspired by Miyamoto’s love of impressionism [art], and the skies in the game are a tribute to [French Post-Impressionist artist] Cézanne.” Wow! When I saw the screenshots linked in my previous article, I remarked that the game looked like a painting. I didn’t know at the time that this was because the graphics were inspired by paintings. Now, whenever someone whines about the art style, you can them an “uncultured pleb”!

This reminded me of Roger Ebert’s latest assertion in April that video games “can never be art”, despite his having no qualifications to speak on this topic since he doesn’t actually play video games. (I want to point out this link to Ebert’s blog freezes my browser every time I load it, so click at your own risk. It won’t factor into my article since it’s not relevant to art, but it’s not exactly getting on my good side here, either, Ebert.) In this article, he backtracked a little and said MAYBE games can be art, but never in our lifetime, and they’ll never, ever be “high (read: real) art”.

Other sites have already addressed Ebert’s crap-stirring topic over and over again, and make for entertaining reads, so I don’t need to go into that here. I’m quite fond of Cracked.com’s take on the whole debate, for the record. Oh, and don’t miss a response article from Ebert all the way back in 2007, in which he repeatedly and openly insults novelist Clive Barker for daring to disagree. The comments on these other articles also do a good job of raising up valid instances of video games as art. I know I’ve never cried at a funeral no matter how much I loved the deceased, but I definitely shed tears at the endings of Link’s Awakening, Secret of Mana, and Ocarina of Time, for example. To me, that is art. It does not have to be art to someone else. What art is is left entirely up to each and every individual.

Art begets art. There are professionally-rendered Mario statues and paintings of Princess Zelda. There’s Video Games Live, bringing game music to the orchestra pit…and orchestrated music IN video games is not an unheard-of occurrence. And now, we have The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, which has an orchestrated soundtrack and is created to look like an Impressionist painting. Are statues, paintings, and orchestral performances no longer art if their source material is a video game, Ebert? Or are video games themselves art because of the creativity and imagination that goes into them per the dictionary definition, as well as elements normally associated with art, such as orchestrated music and art movement visuals?

When you come down to is that what art is, is left entirely up to personal opinion. I will never consider a good 95% of modern abstract creations to be art. You took a paintbrush, dipped it in black paint, flicked it on a canvas, and named it “Despair”? I could do that in thirty seconds! Your work doesn’t belong in a museum that paid millions of dollars for it; it belongs at the thrift store. Or in the garbage. But the difference between Ebert and I is that he presents his opinion of video games as fact, while I make it very clear right now that my perception of abstract modern art is only one writer’s opinion. And, also unlike Ebert, I won’t tell you that you’re wrong to think otherwise, as he did game designer Kellee Santiago in his blog. (Though I might look at you funny if I find a print of “Despair” hanging in your house. Partly because I made it up. I’ve seen a painting in the Museum of Modern Art in Washington, DC that was virtually identical to my example, but I don’t remember the name.)

Oh, and let’s end on a high (high art?) note. This thread gives me hope for humanity: intrigued by the new Zelda title’s graphics, at least one gamer has taken a (renewed) interest in Cézanne’s work. I doubt this will be the last person to seek out classic art in the face of new art!

And that’s my opinion.

Next week, you’ll probably have to fend for yourselves, as I’ll be buried neck-deep in things outside the Internet. Enjoy a week off from me!

Wanna see still art and screenshots? Make with the clickin’ here!

Wanna see a promo video? You got it!

Wanna see more video? Here ya go!

Because about all fans in any fandom like to do is complain, there’s some griping about the cel-shading. That’ll pass once we learn more about game mechanics and story and innovations to the Zelda universe; remember how much flack Wind Waker took for its graphics before it was released? Yet now it’s a much-loved title in the series, with even the haters admitting that it was a fun game. Which, of course, is the most important thing. (For accuracy’s sake, I was one of the people who didn’t like the Wind Waker style, but my enjoyment of a game has nothing to do with graphics, beyond being able to tell where I’m going and what I’m looking at.)

My initial thoughts on the new Zelda title are best expressed in the way I wrote them on a Zelda forum when the news from Nintendo’s E3 press conference poured out:

“I LOVE the cel-shaded tones! I’m so sick of all video games being dark and gritty-looking, with virtually no colour. It’s getting to where it’s hard to tell one game from another if the characters aren’t in the shot, because everyone’s using the same dark and neutral lack-of-colours. Like someone bled all the life and vibrancy from the universe. The cel-shaded use of colour in Borderlands was one of my favourite things about the non-gameplay aspects. It was so nice to see colour even in the game’s darker and more adult moments–and it made it easier to distinguish one object from another, too. The cel-shading was also a refreshing new visual style.

“I’m still not happy about all the right-handed art and sword swings (instead of cel-shading, that’ll be MY whiner nitpick! ;D) But I noticed in the video that Link was doing some things left-handed and some things right-handed, so I’m hoping we have a better explanation for the righty tendencies than “Nintendo’s catering to the righties so they don’t whine about maybe having to think left-handed for a few minutes, even though the world’s lefties often have to do things right-handed.” I played Twilight Princess on the Wii both left-handed and right-handed, switching the Wiimote from hand to hand. I honestly didn’t notice a damn bit of difference in how the game controls, so it irked me that Nintendo felt they had to literally mirror the game’s graphics for the Wii release (Wiilease?) I would LOVE it if we at least had the option to make Link either a lefty or a righty.”

And if all that’s not exciting enough, Nintendo is also said to be remaking Ocarina of Time and StarFox for the upcoming 3DS. Check out these screen shots of the visually-improved Zelda 3DS titles!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ll be rabidly refreshing the Nintendo E3 site for the rest of the evening! Whilst simultaneously poking fun at Sony’s and Microsoft’s still-lackluster attempts to swipe Nintendo’s gamers with their rip-off proposed motion controls. You know, after slamming Nintendo’s use of them for so long. It’s not that I’m biased (though I totally am). It’s that I despise hypocrisy.

But don’t doze off just yet! The recently-ended 8-Bit Theater has finally posted an epilogue page, stepping away from sprite art to say goodbye in a more traditional, drawn-art style.

Yep, it’s really over. Nothing left but to either remove the site from your active bookmarks or browse the other comics on offer at the Nuklear Power website.

Enjoy your epilogue, folks! And congrats again to 8-Bit Theater for carrying the story through nine years of updates!

Well, ol’ Marlink will take it easy on ya this week, with a bit of extremely cool news for all you literary and history geeks out there: after a century’s delay, Mark Twain’s 500,000+-word autobiography is due to hit the stores as a trilogy this year!

Seems Mr. Samuel Clemens didn’t want his autobio to be seen by the human race until one hundred years after his death. Luckily for all you Twain fans out there, the end of that century is 2010.

Why didn’t Twain want his autobiography published during his lifetime? Did he want to avoid offending people close to him? Did he fear personal persecution? Did he just want to ensure that he would be talked about even a century after a death? I guess we’ll finally be able to find out for certain later this year, when the mysterious massive tale is finally made public.

Like others have pointed out, the man sure knew how to make you want to buy his books!

I really thought I’d like Ryan Sohmer’s and Lar deSouza’s Least I Could Do. Being a longtime fan of their fantasy gamer strip Looking for Group, it just seemed to make sense that I’d be a fan of their other work. Sadly, this was so very much not the case.

Least I Could Do is an episodic and shallow comic, focusing on the life of a real jerk of a self-insert and Gary Stu character, Rayne Summers (Ryan? Rayne? Sohmer? Summers? Get it?) The entire focus of the comic is how the arrogant, selfish, childish, misogynistic, and sex-obsessed Rayne can screw over anyone he wants (or just screw, if it’s a “hot lady”, but overweight or otherwise unattractive women are just talking farm animals to him), usually suffering no consequences whatsoever.

Because the comic is about All Eyes On Rayne, the other characters tend to be bland in every way. With the exception of Issa, who pretty much only stood out for being the one female in the main group, I never really could remember the names of the other characters, not even after reading through seven years’ worth of archives (2003-2010). I mean, it’s not as if they act like real people or anything of the sort. Their entire role is to serve as punching bags for Rayne’s abuse, to pay Rayne’s way even though he makes far more money than any of his friends (early on, he scored a $100K+ corporate job he was completely unqualified for, during a quest to seduce the CEO), and to serve Rayne’s every whim no matter how much they want to refuse; for no reason other than He Is Rayne, his henchmen–I mean friends–seem to be terrified of him.

Really, I think the main problem I have with the strip is that it’s all about rewarding bad behaviour. Dude, I don’t like to see good things happen to bad people in real life. Why in the infinite hells would I want to see it almost every single day in a webcomic? The laughable part is that attempts are made to show Rayne as a kind and generous soul from time to time. When a character is berating Rayne for his selfish behaviour, Rayne counters by pointing out that he took in an orphan child and has given the boy things he couldn’t get otherwise. This shuts up the other person (and frequently, characters who are not Rayne will be shut up by his weak arguments, just because He Is Rayne). But there’s a serious problem with Rayne’s counterpoint. The characters and audience are supposed to conveniently ignore that the reason why Rayne took on the boy is because he wanted a slave to serve his every whim (I could argue the boy is “another” slave, to go with Rayne’s cowed friends). And that really is the boy’s role in the comic, by the way. Rayne’s slave. I don’t think anyone’s ever even bothered to give the kid a name. Not that I’d remember it if he has one.

This review is just depressing and infuriating me now, so how about we move onto the visual examples of why this webcomic is pretty awful? In a rare redeeming quality, the art is actually pretty good, by the way. Nothing amazing in the world of comics, but much better than the norm. But since I’d rather not waste Spwug’s server space on images of Rayne Behaving Badly, I’ll just be linking to the relevant strips here.

Rayne has a bird violently flung into a closed window from a catapult, then shows off his godlike healing abilities on it, then ropes two of his guy friends into crossdressing as nuns to make up stories about how kind and generous Rayne is. All this to get in the pants of the blonde woman (unsuccessfully that time, I’m happy to say). There is something wrong with an audience that sees no problem with any of this. And here’s how Rayne repays his nun-garbed friends after humiliating and insulting them.

Of course, because Rayne is a Gary Stu, there are many, many, MANY examples of how he never really pays for his bad behaviours. Such as when he gets his friend and himself arrested by mouthing off to a cop. (Rayne Summers: Worst Friend EVER.) We get one panel of Rayne in jail, quite pleased with himself….

….And by the next day, it’s already been left behind and never mentioned again in the comic, as Rayne continues to do exactly as he pleases.

Another example of Rayne being the Worst Friend Ever: humiliating your friend, then shoving him out of an airplane. And he’s not arrested for this…WHY, exactly?

“If you’re ugly, please don’t procreate.” Still trying to figure out why Rayne is considered the protagonist of this comic….

Oh, and here’s a real gem: Rayne’s friends finally grow a collective pair and try to get him back for all his abuse. Awesome!! At first, it looks like this ploy will be successful. But then, because Rayne Is Rayne and everyone cowers before him, he twists the prank to his advantage and turns his friends into obedient little lapdogs with nothing more than an angry look. And what happens with the lovely German lady, who should’ve stormed off the moment she saw Rayne in Nazi gear? Yeeeeaaaaahh….I really have nothing to say here. The disgust for this comic and its Gary Stu character has just gotten too strong by this point.

But I’ll end on a high note! There is ONE time when Rayne really gets his due. I just wish the lesson had stuck. This is easily my favourite strip in the entire collection.

I spent several weeks suffering my way through the comic’s archive to write this review. There WERE a few redeeming moments for the comic. I’m just tossing that out there to be fair. I’m hard-pressed to remember what those good moments were right now (aside from Rayne getting the crap beaten out of him in the last link), but they did exist. If the primary focus hadn’t been Rayne Summers and his dickish ways, I could’ve even gotten into this strip. But for the most part, I really can’t recommend Least I Could Do. If you’re an ass, I guess you’ll like reading about your own kind. If you can overlook Rayne and his ego, you might enjoy the other humour this strip has to offer. But as for me, I’ll stick with Looking for Group. It has its Gary Stus and its D-bag moments, but at least that one doesn’t make me want to throw something at the monitor on nearly every page.

The three of you who read this column probably noticed the lack of updates last week. The short version is, when the temperature in the computer room is over 85°F, I don’t risk overheating the system by turning it on. Luckily, the responsible central air unit has been fixed, and we’re now back in business!

Let’s get right down to it with a newish feature I’d been wanting to implement since I first started writing for Spwug: MORE PURTY PICKCHURS. If my focus here is supposedly on webcomics, shouldn’t this column be more visual too? I kept putting it off because I had no working tablet or scanner. Finally, I had enough of waiting and started drawing in Photoshop.

After an hour of very painful hand-crabbing from gripping an ancient, unresponsive mouse, I remembered why I had put off drawing on the computer. But it was too late to stop, and you can now reap the dubious rewards of my agonizing labour! Everyone loves MS Paint-style pictures, right? So, let’s get started.

There’s a little television show called Stargate Universe. I doubt anyone here has heard of it. It’s not like geeks ever come to Spwug or anything. But if you have heard of this TV series that I understand is “science fiction”, you probably know that it’s not doing too well compared to its predecessors in the Stargate franchise. Fan and critic complaints range from too much drama, to not enough action, to “Syfy Channel sucks” (a very valid complaint), to excessive shaky-cam, to “Where the heck are all the aliens?!”

I agree with all of the above plus some. If my housemate didn’t keep recording this show on the DVR box, I wouldn’t have watched it past the first few episodes. But instead of just griping, I’ve decided to offer up some suggestions to make the show better. Get your pencils out and take notes, SGU writers. There’ll be a test on this later!

1: More alien action, please! In two seasons so far, we’ve had, what? Labrador Retriever-sized spiders in two episodes. A sandstorm that may or may not have actually been sentient. Neither one showed any sign of anything resembling intelligence compatible with that of the human characters (despite the fact that human intelligence also seems to be a lacking quality in the show, so you’d think they’d understand one another). Though I have this theory that the spiders weren’t REALLY bloodthirsty monsters trying to eat the faces of the stranded humans. They were just lonely and wanted new friends.

Then there was T-Rex’s doughier cousin for about fifteen seconds. I still don’t get why Scott wasted ammo and time shooting at the thing when he could’ve just escaped through the Stargate. Maybe the dino reminded him of his shameful Weight Watchers days.

The only intelligent aliens of note so far have been the anorexic “blues” that keep trying to steal the ship Destiny away from its human crew (who, it could be argued, stole the ship from the ascended Ancients who made it). They really haven’t done anything else of interest so far, unless you count competitive non-eating.

2: The military and civilians aboard Destiny should be allowed to decorate the ship, or at least their respective quarters. Seriously, now. Every single scene aboard the ship takes place in a setting of drab greys and the occasional blue-grey light. No wonder all anyone does is fight and/or cry. I’m surprised half the crew hasn’t committed suicide already. A little colour goes a long way, folks. Maybe some throw rugs and dried flowers. A splash of paint, a few family photos lining the halls, and you go from stranded victims to homeowners of the biggest and most fashionable estate known to mankind!

3: Dr. Nicholas Rush needs to decide which team he supports. I mean, come on, Nicky-baby! This sympathetic-villain-in-one-episode, antihero-in-the-next stuff was old last season. At least he and Colonel Young are no longer at each other’s throats every five minutes. (Kudos for the next pic go out to housemate Thoradin, whose idea of a D&D setting for Young and Rush was far more amusing than my original pic of Rush shouting about how he was going to hijack the ship’s systems to obey only him and then give everyone onboard the puppies he and his dead wife never got to have.) For some reason, this scene works best in my head in stick-figure format.

4: The final suggestion doesn’t need pictorial accompaniment. To save the Stargate franchise, Syfy should go back in time, NOT cancel Stargate SG-1, NOT cut its budget, and watch the money come rolling in. But we all know Syfy can’t do anything sensible, time travel or no. This is why The Lost Room still has never moved beyond a pilot miniseries.

Did you pay attention, Stargate Universe writers? I may have just saved your show there.

That’s it for this week. Tune in next time, when we may or may not have more hand/mouse-drawn pictures. It really depends upon how masochistic I’m feeling. You’ll just have to come see to find out!