Greetings, Station!

The other day I was listening to the Tenacious D song “Beezleboss (The Final Showdown)” from the soundtrack to Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, a movie which no one saw (as evidenced by the abysmal box office numbers).  Despite its lower-than-lackluster performance, I found the film to be a fun romp in the spirit of the rock band misadventure movies of old.  And being a fan of Tenacious D itself (comprised of Jack Black and Kyle Gass), it was only natural that I picked up the soundtrack to the film.  While it isn’t as good as their first album, “PoD” still contains plenty of little musical gems.  One of my favorites is the afore-mentioned “Beezleboss”.

The song retells a slightly altered version of the story regaled in the previous D song “Tribute” – JB and KG get involved in a “rock-off” with the Devil.  The stakes?  If The D wins, Satan must go back to Hell… and he has to pay Jack and Kyle’s rent.  If Beelzebub wins, he gets to take KG back to Hell with him to be his slave (and not the indentured servitude kind, either).

With the stakes in place, the rock-off commences.  Satan begins with an epic, dark mass of metal proportions.  Tenacious D reciprocate with a fairly inspirational effort, but to no avail.  The Devil wins and prepares to take Kyle back to his domain for eternity.

But wait!  At the last minute, Jables intervenes, causing the Beezleboss to break off a piece of his own horn.  With that piece in Black’s possession, he is able to command the Devil to go back to Hell once more until he is “complete again”.

So, I’m listening to this song and the thought occurs to me – most tales that chronicle Ol’ Scratch competing for a mortal’s soul seem to paint him in the same manner in order to sell the message that good always triumphs over evil.  He’s almost always painted as an honor-bound entity that can be easily beaten by someone with enough talent, hard work, and moxie.

Wait, what?  Hold on a minute.  This is the same guy who had the molten stones to challenge The Big Man.  Sure, he lost and was cast out of St. Peter’s jurisdiction, but he obviously had enough power to challenge George Burns in the first place.  You don’t make such a bold gesture unless you know for certain that you got the Mana to do so.

Plus, Lucifer is also a master of deception.  He managed to fool the first man and woman with fruit.  The guy’s got some serious ad executive powers going on if he can sell a couple of nudists on foliage sweets.  Come to think of it, this isn’t all that different from the supernatural ability Steve Jobs has to convince people to buy things like iPads.

Wait… Steve Jobs… Apple…

Mind = blown.  Where was I again?

Oh yeah… So, The Dark Lord is obviously a master manipulator.  There’s a reason why he is called The Master of Lies – the guy uses words to confuse, deceive, delude, dupe, fool, gull, hoax, hoodwink, kid, snow, take in, trick, intrigue, machinate, plot, scheme, arrange, contrive, devise, finesse, mastermind, cheat, chisel, defraud, fleece, gyp, hustle, and swindle (thanks, Merriam-Webster!).  He’s always in it for his own ends and he does whatever is necessary to get what he wants.

This means that there is no way in Hell (pun intended) anyone like Charlie Daniels or Ralph Macchio could ever hope to defeat him in a one-on-one.  It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much spirit you poured into your efforts.  The Devil can say whatever he wants.  He could play two plunky chords off- key while you play Vivaldi backwards with your butt cheeks.  He’ll declare himself the winner no matter what.  It’s what he does.  Say goodbye to your soul, Karate Kid, because no amount of Crane Kicks or Drum Techniques or Lipton Brisk Iced Tea will save you from spending an eternity waxing on and waxing off The Prince of Evil.

Now, I’ll give “Beezleboss” some credit.  Despite the fact that the Source of All Evil adheres to a “demon code”, the song (as well as the final scene of the movie, which is where the song comes from) does finally illustrate that The D had no chance of winning a rock-off against The Dark One.  Even the “Real Ghostbusters” episode “Night Game” had a better understanding of how things should work when you compete against dark forces.  Granted, Winston was playing baseball against your more run-of-the-mill demons, but the ump still recognized that evil was free to cheat and play as dirty as it wanted (well, at least as dirty as a Saturday morning cartoon can get).  Of course, in the end good still won, despite the fact that the evil demons cheated the hell out of that game.

Don’t get me wrong.  I completely understand the intention behind the way these stories are told.  Triumph of the human spirit against the forces of evil and the belief that we are inherently good enough to conquer our own (metaphorical) inner demons is a popular trope that’s never going away.  As a society we need to be able to watch movies and television shows, listen to music, and read books and comics that remind us no matter what dark paths we go down or what nefarious entities we meet, we still have a chance and the power within us to punch old Beelz in the front-flow and scream “Adrian!” in triumph.

It’s just that every once in awhile I would like to see Mephisto with his Adamantium cup on.

The Don went down to Georgia.  Her mother didn’t approve.

Greetings, Fire Gang!

This past weekend I once again had the honor of guesting at Marscon with my 2wcOnline cohort Danny Valentini.  It was a laid back, relaxing affair, just as it is every year.  Our obligations are usually light – do a couple of panels, spend the rest of the day wandering about and enjoying the sights, as well as spend time with friends.  And fortunately for me, my body realized that it was not without sin, therefore it did not cast the first (kidney) stone at me.  Without that little meddler, it was quite an enjoyable weekend.

It’s at this point that it occurs to me that some of you may be wondering which Marscon I attended, as there are two (that I know of) in the Oosa – one is in Bloomington, Minnesota while the other is in Williamsburg, Virginia.  So, to help everyone tell which one is which, I have constructed this handy-dandy notebook reference tool:

Marscon MN: Situated in a region that knows its summer from its winter.

Marscon VA: Situated in a region that gets confused as to what day of the year it is, let alone what the weather is.

Marscon MN: Home state is known as the “Land of 10,000 Lakes”.

Marscon VA: Home state is known to consume large quantities of “Land O’Lakes” butter.

Marscon MN: Has had an impressive array of television actors since its inception, from shows like “Doctor Who”, “Star Trek”, and “Farscape”.

Marscon VA: Has a nice variety of guests, but they’ve been crazy enough to have us for the past few years.  I think we cancel each other out.

Marscon MN: Their web site has this pair of evil eyes watching you from the top of the page and this cool fadey thingey they have going on when you scroll up or down.  Best experienced with a bowl of Spaghettios.

Marscon VA: They keep their web site simple and elegant, with sparklies all over the place in the top page banner.  It goes better with a bowl of Beefaroni.

Marscon MN: Takes place in March, which is notable because that’s when my birthday is.

Marscon VA: Takes place in January, which is notable because that’s when my birthday is not.

Marscon MN: Offers “Progress Reports” on the site that allows potential visitors to see what’s in the planning stages.

Marscon VA: Doesn’t believe in the current grading system and allows its con-goers to progress at their own pace.

Marscon MN: Has Rob Balder as a guest.

Marscon VA: Has Rob Balder as a… guest…  Hey, waitaminute…

Marscon MN: Is held at a Holiday Inn.

Marscon VA: Is held at a Holiday Outt.

Marscon MN: Suffers from Dementia.

Marscon VA: Suffers from relaxation.

Marscon MN: Was founded in 1999, when everyone was partying like the Prince song.

Marscon VA: Was founded in 1990, three years before everyone was partying to a song.

So, as you can see, there are distinct differences (Curse you, Rob Balder, for messing up my stats!) between the two.  I’ve never actually been to the one in Minnesota, but I would love to check it out some day.  I’m sure that I’d be welcome with open arms.

Until they stumble upon this article.

The Don wants to make an evening of it on Mars.  He’s bringing his sandwich Linda.

When I do webcomic reviews, it’s mostly to show my love for a comic that I feel doesn’t get enough exposure.* But what about when a comic I love is already popular enough that I probably can’t tell you webcomic fans anything about it that you don’t already know?

*That doesn’t mean I’ll never write reviews for comics I don’t like. But for my past reviews, I’ve just gone through my regular reading list of comics–and I don’t tend to keep reading things that have stayed past their welcome with me. That said, I actually do have a review in mind for a webcomic that I gave up on, but as it’s only a few months old, I’m giving it half a year to improve before I make with the frowny-faces. Fair’s fair.

Originally, I planned to just leave off reviewing these ceWebrities of webcomic fame and only mention them in terms of comic news and what-have-you. Still, though, I couldn’t escape the desire to blow these guys’ horns. In order to satisfy myself without beating too many deceased equines, I’ve settled on a compromise: the mini-review.

This time, I’m singing the praises of Phil and Kaja Foglio’s Girl Genius (with colourist Cheyenne Wright), a success story in print as well as online. Girl Genius has in the past been nominated for the Web Cartoonists’ Choice Awards, the Eisner Award, the Hugo Awards, and the Eagle Awards; it’s won a Hugo and numerous WCCA categories. The Foglios themselves are no strangers to art fans. Phil Foglio is probably most famous for providing his uniquely-styled illustrations to the MythAdventures series of books by Robert Lynn Asprin, as well as creating former Dragon Magazine comic series What’s New with Phil & Dixie (which you should really check out on the Foglio’s website, along with Girl Genius and the equally-entertaining Buck Godot!) See? There’s some serious talent behind this print-comic-turned-webcomic-turned-print-comic! That alone should be enough to persuade anyone who’s heard of Girl Genius but never checked it out to take a look.

But we all like pretty pictures, right? And I did say that Phil’s art style is unique…extremely unique. If you’ve seen his work before, you’ll instantly recognize it again. Combine Phil’s art with the colouring talent of Cheyenne Wright, and you’ve got a lovely little vision of sequential art to massage your eyeballs. Let’s take a look at the art of Girl Genius, in which the Foglios’ love of Victorian-era dress and culture and steampunk are allowed to roam freely. (Kaja invented the term “gaslamp fantasy” to describe the comic’s less punky, but no less steamy, setting. I don’t mean “steamy” in the saucy way, either. I mean it in the “Water plus heat equals steam. The world can be saved by steam!” way.) Girl Genius takes place in a version of Europe where mad scientists known as “Sparks” run rampant with their minions and twisted creations. When the heroes of your comic are mostly inventors with tenuous grips on sanity at best, problem solving tends to take on new and amusing levels of meaning. Let’s pull out that art and allow me to illustrate (hehe) with a recent storyline:

The disembodied voice in the second panel talking about tours is the voice of the mostly-insane castle/fortress/mad laboratory the characters are currently trying to repair…so that its homicidal behaviour is directed against, well, pretty much anyone OTHER than the guys doing the repair job.

But the life of a Spark is not all fun and games and dissecting of brains. When you muck about with the very forces that hold our world together, you’re bound to run into a bit of backlash. One of the Sparks, a prince named Tarvek, ends up with the contagious lethal disease Hogfarb’s Resplendent Immolation, which apparently turns its victims all sorts of pretty, pretty colours before death (which may involve spontaneous combustion, or may just lead to a literal meltdown of the body). And also makes them delirious. But really, who notices the difference when the infected is a mad scientist?

And how do you treat a terminal illness? Well, if you’re ALSO a Spark, the solution is easy: you hook yourself up to the sufferer to stabilize him (which also gives you his symptoms), move his brain into a nice safe jar or something for storage, then kill him, drain his blood, decontaminate it, and then bring him back to life, at which point he’ll be good as new! Simple, huh? I wonder why doctors never use this treatment in our world….

Hijinks ensue, of course, and our heroine Agatha Heterodyne ends up catching the disease herself. Which rather complicates matters, as she was the one who was going to be treating both Tarvek and rival noble Gilgamesh Wulfenbach (who did the hooking up of himself to Tarvek in order to stabilize–and rationalise–him). Oh, you wacky Sparks! But this also brings out the “romance” part of the comic’s tagline, “Adventure, Romance, MAD SCIENCE!” Our two rich boys are both gunning for Agatha’s affections, which means putting her health before theirs:

If you’ve fallen behind (or, gods forbid, never started) reading, how can you not want to read this comic after all that? Have you no sense of adventure? Have you no love of romance? Have you no obsession with MAD SCIENCE!?

Well, now, even without doing character bios and exposition of the overarching plot and whatnot, this Girl Genius “mini-review” was still a bit longer than you’d expect a “mini” to be. But that just shows you how enthusiastic I am about the work of the Foglios and Wright!

Greetings, Banana Splits!

There comes a time in every child’s life when they must put away childish things and become an adult…

…or they can say “To Hell with that” and continue to have fun by going to conventions like Nekocon.

Guess which one I did this past weekend?

To be fair, I was there in an official capacity, as my partner-in-crime Danny Valentini and I were invited to the convention again this year to be guests.  Supposedly, we do this web comic together called “The Draconia Chronicles” that grows in popularity every year.  Now, I would just chalk this up to rumor for now, because everyone knows that there are no such things as web comics.  That’s just a story parents tell their children at night to scare them so that they won’t grow up to get online degrees.

You should know the drill by now – I do a quick recap of my weekend at a convention, you skim over it feeling unfulfilled, then we both reluctantly agree that we need to see other people as we give back all the items we borrowed or gave to each other.

I’m still waiting to get back my copy of the “The White Album.”

As con Fridays go, this year’s Neko offered pretty much the standard fare – I show up at the convention center about two hours before the Opening Ceremonies.  Heading up to the “Con-Ops” room, I procure my Guest badge.  After some spirited conversation about topics I have no recollection of discussing, I make a dotted bee-line for our table in the Artists Alley.  I say dotted because one can never just go to where they are going at a convention.  Invariably, there will be many stops and restarts as you run into old friends for a quick chat, pose for pictures, stop to take pictures, notice something shiny, pause to ponder the secrets of the universe, stop because you’re chewing gum, or hesitate because the all-powerful con gods sent a messenger to you with a gift consisting of this confection called “Pocky”.  And no, I don’t mean the owner of Spwug.

As I survey the landscape of the cavernous region known as the Artists Alley, I catch up with more fellow AA (not Alcoholics Anonymous) commoners as I wait for my cohort to arrive.  I also wait for time to slowly transport me into the future, for that is where the Opening Ceremonies await me.

When the Hour of Trying to Fool People Into Thinking You Are Someone Important in Front of a Medium-Sized Crowd is finally at hand, my recently arrived partner-in-crime and I make our way into the even more cavernous region where the Ceremonies are to take place.  After a series of horrible attempts at humor that are the reason my parents gave me up for adoption, Danny and I – fully convinced that no one knew who the heck we were – remove ourselves and head back over to “Con-Ops”, where we trade our silly old Guest badges for shinier and cooler “Neko Bazaar” badges.  With renewed vigor, we return to the first cavernous area of which I had already mentioned previously.  From there, we set up our table, and begin the attempt to peddle our wares for the rest of the evening.  And that, little Christopher, is how babies are born.

Saturday finds us arriving early, long before noon’s rising sun can greet us.  We have a panel to host and candy tied to strings so that we can lure entice the con masses to our little panel room.  We are able to capture accrue a respectable number of individuals despite our outlandish buffoonery on display.  In fact, I do believe that a couple of them even stop screaming long enough to ask us questions about our web comic.  I call that a success.  Then again, I call not getting maced in the face when I ask a woman the time a success.

From there, we return to our temporary abode in the Artists Alley for more shilling, more debauchery, more talky-talky…blah blah blah…  You’re already asleep, so we’ll skip ahead…

Two in the afternoon!  We have another panel!  But our princess is in another castle!  Dejected from finding yet another one of those stupid Toadstool weirdoes (where do they all come from?  Do they multiply like rabbits?), we make our way back to the same room our last panel was in.  In a strange case of déjà vu, the room looks exactly the same as the last time we were in it.  In fact, maybe this really is the first time we are in it, and the first time really wasn’t the first time, but instead a strange message from the future telling us what lie in store for our fates.

Nope, same room, different panel.

This time we are joined by real artists and writers as we try our best to sound like we know as much as they do about making web comics.  I think we have them fooled right up to the point where I mention something about the right amount of tension needed on a loom when interweaving the threads of a web comic.  I’m not sure where the audience got the pitch forks and torches, but it makes for an exciting conclusion to what I think was a successful panel.

As my counterpart and I make our escape back to the Caverns of AA, we easily slip back into our respective roles – he’s the DJ and I’m the rapper.  Sales seem to be going well on our new “Men of the Quadratic Equation” calendar, as well as a few other items we have somehow managed to fool the commonfolk into believing have magical powers – mainly some Shamwow!s, as well as a few pounds of Mighty Putty.  Throughout the afternoon and evening we get several con-goers who stop by claiming to be fans of our web comic.  But, I know the truth.  After being visited by them as often as I am, you tend to recognize evil spirits when they show up to haunt you and ask you for favors.

It is at this point that I also have a vision that my wife is in an 80s glam-pop band.  I shiver from the delusion, then down a couple burgers that are really cookies.  My life is strange.

The greatest highlight of Saturday has to be in the evening when we go to dinner.  It isn’t often when an evil spirit actually tries to get you drunk so that they can take advantage of you.  Joke’s on him, though.  I would have said yes sober.

Sunday seems to be a blur.  No, I mean every Sunday seems to be a blur.  I think my brain just hates living in my cranial cavity so much that it just decides to shut down every seventh day as a middle finger to me and my ancestors.  I can’t fathom why.  I mean, it isn’t my fault that the Waltons aren’t real.

Now that I think about it, I do seem to recall some events took place on Neko’s Day of Sun.  We have a final panel wherein we are usurped by dark forces who yank the proverbial rug out from under us by yanking the actual rug out from under us.  I think we still manage to do a fairly adequate job of teaching the wailing masses how not to create or develop characters.  At least, I pray to Bill Cosby that we did.

A few more hours of trying to prove to the con folk that we are not wax statues and the con is officially over.  As my main squeeze who is not my wife but is really the artist who draws the web comic I scribble words for and I break down and cry our set-up at the table in the AA Caverns, we say our goodbyes to a few of the fellow artists who were crazy enough to talk to us.  We make our way to the bar in the hotel that is across the way from the convention center.  I remark as we head over that a way looks an awful lot like grass and asphalt.  Once inside the bar, a friend buys me an apple pie – except that this pie is really liquid and I have to drink it instead of eat it.  But hey, in today’s economy everyone has to make sacrifices – even our American icons.  I heard that baseball is currently just gardening in order to save money.

With the evening now upon us, we make our way to Olive Garden.  There, a free meal awaits all of us who were sneaky enough to convince the staff that we were Guests Neko Bazaar attendees.  But first we stand outside the restaurant to play a game called “Parking Lot-to”.  The object of the game is to stand out in the parking lot until the number of people in your party matches the number called.  Our group makes it to the bonus round, where we win some fabulous prizes – including our meals, as well as a copy of the home game.  I can’t speak for those who are still in the parking lot after we are seated, though I’m told that “manicotti formaggio” is Italian for “convention stragglers”.

I’m glad I ordered the chicken alfredo.

The Don would like to give his heartfelt thanks to everyone at Nekocon for their gracious generosity and hopes to be invited back next year!

Greetings, Soldiers of the Future!

Hallowe’en is approaching fast, so it’s important that I impart on you some vital information that could make the difference between whether you have a killer Hallowe’en… or a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en (trust me, no one wants a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en; I’ve seen pictures and it’s downright frightening).

I’m sure you all remember that I recently came into some prize items at the recent horror convention shindig.  Let me remind you: it was a brisk, autumn evening.  I was dressed as some character from a series of movies that a couple people have seen.  I raised a few eyebrows.  I won some stuff.  The end.

Only it’s not the end.  See, one of those prizes (if you actually read my stuff remember) was that life-size, cardboard standee of Freddy Krueger.  Well, needless to say he found a warm cozy spot in Casa de The Don rather quickly:

As you can see, he is quite happy standing under his street sign in our foyer/dining room/entrance to the kitchen/walkway to the stairs/post you have to go around to get to the downstairs bathroom.  From there, he is free to greet anyone who is foolish enough to come into our home through our front door.

This would include Mrs. The Don.

This leads me to today’s lesson, kids – How to Scare the Bejeezus Out of Your Loved One(s) with Your Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee Appropriately and Responsibly (or HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR for short).  This is part two of a three-part series.  If you haven’t completed part one yet, please turn the record over and begin on side A.

Let’s begin (click on the images to see them larger):

Step 1:

Always make sure your loved one is greeted warmly from the bushes when they come home from work.  They have had a long, rough day, and a simple hello from a severely burned child-murderer is just the thing to lift their spirits:

And remember – daytime is okay, but night time is generally better, as it reduces glare.

Step 2:

When your loved one brings in the mail, make sure that they are shown exactly how appreciated their efforts are.  A simple, razor-gloved greeting can make all the difference between having your post handed to you lovingly… or being tossed to you in a screaming, violent frenzy:

Step 3:

Sometimes, it’s important for your Freddy standee to have friends over so that your loved one doesn’t feel so lonely on those cold, late nights when she’s home alone.  Having both of them there together provides the type of company that tells your loved one, “We’ll always be here whenever you turn around.”:

Step 4:

Ever run out of TP before you were finished?  With your Freddy standee, this doesn’t have to be a problem for your loved ones anymore.  The Dream Master will make sure you always have an extra roll handy… or two for those extra…“surprises”:

Step 5:

Everybody loves ninjas (except those blasted pirate-lovers).  What better way to show your loved one that you are a fun person who is up-to-date on the latest stealth techniques than by teaching your Freddy standee the art of ninja.  With a few quick and easy lessons (available where the HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR album series is sold), you’ll have your sweater-clad menace descending from the rafters with ease for a rousing, family-friendly game of hide-and-seek:

Step 6:

What better way to top off the end of a long day then to have your homicidal nightmare help your loved ones with chores before bedtime.  From doing the dishes to mowing the lawn to helping your loved ones put their laundry away in the closet, your loved one will be extremely grateful to have the free time to relax before a solid night of restful sleep:

And there you have it!  Take it from me, two-time Bejeezus-scaring champion The Don – follow these six steps, and you’ll find yourself becoming a master Bejeezus-scarer in no time with your Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee.

Pleasant dreams, Mrs. The Don!

The Don is sooo sleeping on the couch tonight.  At least Mr. Krueger will be keeping him company.

…congratulations to Richard and Katy, the supreme rulers of the Spwugniverse!!!!!

They are the essence of everything that is Spwug.  Without either of them, this site wouldn’t be here to bring you a daily dose of all things geek.

It was an honor and a privilege to witness the joining of these two forces of good.  They are my friends.  They are my family.  I am proud to be the head writer of something they envisioned, and I am proud to be a part of their lives.

My best wishes to both of you, Pocky Rich and Katy.  Here’s to bigger and greater things.  With your powers combined, anything is possible.

Greetings, Spin Doctors!

As promised, here is the second installment of my highly popular and deeply revered Fall TV Watch List.  Unfortunately, as I look at the list of shows I’m currently watching, it appears that my list this year is smaller than I anticipated.  Part of that is because of the reason I mentioned in part one – not many new shows for the 2009/2010 season really grabbed me while a large portion of the shows that I did like were snuffed out like a wealthy, old man who lies on his death bed while his pillow-wielding son Billy (sorry – it’s William now) decides he wants his inheritance immediately.

The other reason is because there are about three or four shows that I can’t discuss yet because they haven’t started yet (Thanks, NBC!  Way to show your support for “Chuck”!  I bought and ate a Subway sandwich for that show!)

Still, I’m able to toss four more shows at you this week, with an extra helping of two new animated series that I’m having a ball with.

And remember kids – just because a show may not be listed here, doesn’t mean it isn’t a good show.  Let me be your LeVar Burton and use this series to stimulate your desire to go out and find shows that you like on your own!  These are just shows I am able to fit into my schedule that I really enjoy (except for one – I think I’m just a glutton for punishment with that one).  But, you don’t have to take my word for it…

“Community”

This is one of the two new shows of the fall season that I decided to add to my regular watch list.  In fact, I was originally going to give it a pass.  I’m glad I changed my mind.  This show is pretty funny so far, unlike when I tried that “Office” clone “Parks and Recreation”.  Joel McHale (of “The Soup” on E!) stars as a(n) lawyer opportunist who is forced to go back to community college because it’s discovered by the State Bar Association that his degree isn’t valid.  Add in an eccentric variety of characters that he shares classes with, mix thoroughly, and enjoy.  The biggest surprise here is Chevy Chase.  Yes, that Chevy Chase (no, not the bank).  This guy hasn’t been funny in years, but he seems to have gotten his second third fourth twentieth wind on this show.  I find myself laughing at the antics that made 80s Chevy so much fun.

“The Office”

There are those who are UK “Office” purists.  There are those who prefer the US version.  I say, “Are you gonna eat that donut?”  I mean, what else is there to say about this show?  The US “Office” started out looking like a weak clone of the original, and wasn’t faring much better.  Six seasons later, and the show is still as strong as ever.  I came into this show late, but it has become one of the shows I eagerly anticipate week after week.

“Smallville”

I mentioned that there is one show I’m a glutton for punishment for.  This is it.  I will admit, this show really shouldn’t even be on this list.  The storylines are contrived, the acting isn’t great, the plots go in odd directions that would make your GPS rethink what vocation the GPS Guidance Counselor in GPS high school advised her on (oh come on – we all use the female voice).  But for some reason, I can’t quit this show (yes, I made a Brokeback joke).  If for no other reason, I want to see Clark finally become Superman.  I think Tom Welling fills the role well enough.  And every season they manage to hook me with some gimmick.  Last season it was Doomsday.  This season… Zod.  Yes, he’s already delivered the “Kneel before…” line.  Moving on…

“Dollhouse”

The newest offering from everyone’s favorite scribe (except for you) Joss Whedon.  This is a show that should have been one of the casualties of the 2008/2009 season.  But, somehow Fox decided to graduate it to sophomore status, despite a very clunky year one.  Although the networks stepped on Joss’ toes consistently during production of the first half of the first season (forcing rewrites, episode shuffling, character changes), Joss was able to wrangle the reins back during the latter half, salvaging a sinking show and making the last few episodes pretty riveting to watch.  So far, the second season is starting out rather strongly, especially since all of the build up and introduction has been taken care of.  I’ve always been a loyal fan and supporter of all things Whedon, so I think I’ll be sticking around the “Dollhouse” for a little while longer.  At least until “Firefly” magically makes a comeback.

And now… a few brief words about two new animated shows that I’m finding myself eagerly diving into each week:

“Titan Maximum”

Holy crap, this show is awesome.  Hyperbole aside, this is another stop-motion animated show by the guys who brought you “Robot Chicken”, only this time they’re going the “Venture Bros.” route – creating a new universe of characters based on the sentai shows we grew up with in the 70s and 80s like “G-Force” and “Voltron”.  This show pays homage to those slices of fandom while at the same time parodying them.  And they’ve done their homework, from the character-types they use to the campy music they play during fighting scenes.  And this show is hilarious, importing the same type of humor enjoyed on “Robot Chicken”.  Plus: Billy Dee Williams as the voice of the Admiral that the TM crew has to answer to!

“The Super Hero Squad Show”

I know, your jaw’s in your lap – “Does he mean that little kiddie cartoon based on those little Hasbro figures for the kiddies?”  Indeed I do.  This show is a lot of fun!  When I first heard about it, I said my “feh”s and didn’t think another thought about it.  Then, I got to watch a mini-marathon of the first three episodes during Horrorfind Weekend in the hotel room.  This show hides some really intelligent writing under the “made for ages 4 – 8” Bruce banner.  It’s a silly, pun-filled romp where some of Marvel’s most famous (and even some obscure) heroes go up against the Marvel villains every week.  It’s all fighting and bantering, but it’s imaginative and fresh.  To put it best, it’s like if a Marvel Superheroes cartoon was done by the folks who brought you “Tiny Toons”.

And with that, I wrap up part deux of the 2009/2010 season watch list.  I plan to bring you at least one more, but it may have to wait… until spring, unfortunately.  That seems to be when the rest of the shows on my list come back.  In the meantime, this is October.  I’m running a little behind this year, but expect some Hallowe’en-themed articles for the rest of the month.  I leave you with a nugget of awesome news – our own Head Honchos, Richard Kim and Neomera, are getting hitched this weekend!  Now you know why they’ve been a little sparse around the site lately.  A couple of us Spwugnerians will be in attendance to bring the proper amount of geek representation, of course.  So, when you get a chance, please offer your best wishes to the happy couple!

I’m out!

The Don is ready for his treatment.

You’ve likely already seen the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie reviews from our very own Donnie Sturges and Krellion. Their reviews are much better than mine, for the sheer fact that they ARE reviews. I bring you…more of an anti-review. A hopeful handful of laughs. A mockery, if you will.

Does that mean I thought the movie was awful? Heck, no! I had a blast! (Not as literal as the explosive blasts in the movie itself, mind you.) I went in expecting nothing but a lot of cool explosions, and I was not disappointed.

But the greatest thing about G.I. Joe is that it refuses to take itself seriously. It’s self-aware. Of its toy-line past. Of its 80s cartoon roots. Of the fact that it’s taking a cheesy, cartoony concept and ramping it up to eleven. As Donnie Sturges inspired me to say after the movie, the sheer meta of it all threatens to collapse in upon itself into a gigantic black hole of self-referencing. And it’s awesome.

That said, there’s a lot about this movie you can laugh with. And, sometimes, laugh at. I scribbled down numerous things that stuck in my head, and I now present them here for you. Please note: not all of these actually happened as I present them–not beyond the first line of each, anyways. Mostly, they’re more…things the characters should have said/done, but didn’t, except for in my head at the time. If you see this movie, you’ll probably find similar conversations running through your own noggin. These are also completely out of order, by the way. Are there spoilers in here? How should I know? It’s a brainless fun movie that may or may not even actually HAVE a plot to be spoiled! Read at your own risk, children.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt/The Doctor: I’m the Doctor.
Christopher Eccleston/McCullen: No, you bloody well are not! I’m the bloody Doctor! Where’s the TARDIS? Where’s my agent?
Lackey #1: Sir! Your accent! You’re supposed to be Scottish in this movie, sir!
Christopher Eccleston/McCullen: Bloody hell! I mean….Away, an’ bile yer heid, banger!
David Tennant: (Off-camera) If thae were wantin’ a Scottish Doctor, thae ought t’hae asked me!
Lackey #1: (Whispering to Lackey #2) I thought Gordon-Levitt was that kid from “Third Rock from the Sun.” Didn’t he, like, retire or die or something?

(Introducing Duke and Ripcord to the Joes)
Scarlett: Hello, boys, I’m Scarlett. I’m a hot redheaded bombshell who knows stuff, but don’t worry about competition–the women in this movie are only strong female characters when it’s beneficial to the plot. (Male cast: *Whew*) The rest of the time we’ll just be showing off our bodies and playing hard-to-get. I’ll be sure to scream your names in a girly voice when I think you’re in danger.
Ripcord: I think you should only scream MY name in in a girly voice, when you use that kung-fu action grip to–
General Hawk: This is only a PG-13 movie, soldier! Now you know, and knowing is half the–
Audience –Yeah, we saw that one coming.
Ripcord: Heh heh. That’s what she said.

White House Staffer: Mr. President, we must take you to the bunker. The whole world is in grave danger.
President: You mean–?
White House Staffer: Yes, sir. Your accent won’t stop changing.

(Snake Eyes does something typically risky)
Scarlett: SNAKE!
Otacon: Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAKE!
Scarlett: Who the hell are you?

Scarlett: SNAKE!
Snake Eyes: (Hand signals that translate to “What is it now, woman?!”)
Scarlett: Why are you white?

In another part of the world….
(Badly-rendered CG polar bear can’t live with his jerky animations anymore and commits suicide, seconds before an enemy aircraft lands on the ice)
Baroness: We’ve captured a Joe.
Storm Shadow: Handcuff him. If you put one of the world’s top soldiers in handcuffs, he’s TOTALLY helpless!

(Because you should always trust the evil Japanese ninja who’s actually a Korean man.)

The Doctor: It’s time for the COBRA to RISE up and reveal itself.
McCullen: O I C WUT U DID THAR

(Ripcord steals an enemy jet)
Scarlett: Is it true what they say about black boys?
Ripcord: That they know how to handle their big, black…stolen jet toys? You know it, baby.

Ripcord: I CAN’T VOICE-CONTROL THIS JET THAT I STOLE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I’D BE UNABLE TO COMMAND A JET I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
Scarlett: Maybe it responds to McCullen’s ancestral Scottish moonspeak. I speak Celtic!
Ripcord: Since when, cracka chick?
Scarlett: Since it was convenient to the plot!
Ripcord: Hey, wait, there ain’t no single Celtic langua–
Scarlett: DON’T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR POINTLESS REAL-WORLD FACTS.

Cobra Commander: DUUUKE. I AM YOUR–**
Duke: Daddy? Is that you?
Cobra Commander: ….Ex-girlfriend’s brother. What the eff is WRONG with you, man?
Duke: DUDE. HOW DID I MISS THIS TOTALLY OBVIOUS PLOT TWIST.
M. Night Shyamababallamaramalamadingdong: Wut a TWEEST!

**Yes, I know the correct Star Wars quote is “No, I am your father.” Don’t ruin my feeble attempts at humour!

This last one actually happened exactly as I write it (bonus TRUTH!):

White House Staffer: Mr. President, telephone. The French are very upset.
Numerous people in the audience and also the voice inside my head: Of course they’re very upset! They’re French!

Bet you can’t wait to go see the movie now, can you?

Welcome back! Are you ready for your weekly punishment? I’ve got so many wonderful things lined up! Like a punch in the face. A kick in the teeth. The ear-biting-off to end all ear-biting-off-ings. Later, I’ll glare at a puppy. The inHUMANITY.

Actually, none of that’s true. (This week.) But if you thought I was being a bit hostile,** then you’ve just seen me pull the lamest segue ever, once I jump into the tribute review for the recently-ended webcomic Friendly Hostility.

**You really just thought, “Wow, that’s unnecessarily mean,” didn’t you?

Formerly a thrice-weekly strip, Friendly Hostility began on January 8, 2004 and ended on July 25, 2009. It was the brainchild of the wonderfully demented and prolific K. Sandra Fuhr (whose new webcomic gets a mini-writeup at the end of this tribute). Fuhr’s blurb on the front page of the website relates a good sum-up of the overarching plot: “Friendly Hostility is the story of two best friends who happen to be dating each other: Fox, a reporter, and Collin, a megalomaniacal would-be dictator and former kid’s show host.” Oh, but of course there’s so much more than that….

A veritable melting pot of cultures (and species), the cast of Friendly Hostility is almost as varied as the types of plots that came into play during the comic’s five and a half years of service. Just to give you a taste of what could be expected in any given installment, let’s blab a bit on some of the characters, which conveniently doubles as summaries for numerous plots:

Collin Sri’vastra (smirking at right in the above picture) – Intense, mostly-serious, rather antisocial, and a self-professed asexual (in one storyline, though, he has to face up to actually admitting he’s gay to his family, due to the whole, you know, “relationship with Fox” thing). He looks like “such a nice young man,” as the old lady next door would say, but if you drive-by tap his car’s bumper in the parking lot, you’re likely to find the charred remains of your vehicle smoldering on your doorstep the next morning. Incongruously, Collin works for much of the strip as Safari Sam, a children’s show host. Collin’s not-so-secret ambition in life is to overthrow a South American country, preferably Venezuela, and become dictator by age 30. At one point, he decides it’s time to act out his dream and travels to Venezuela, with rather less-than-successful results.

Kailen “Fox” Maharassa – Don’t let that serious expression trick you. Fox is a happy dork who’s mostly content to let life drift by, work the odd reporting gig, and support his boyfriend’s Venezuelan domination schemes (he affectionately calls Collin “Boss”), although he steps up if a big problem needs solving. Near the end of the comic, he convinces Collin to accept that their relationship has gotten a bit rocky, in order to enroll the pair in counseling. Fox doesn’t care if you’re straight, gay, a demon, Nyarlathotep the Crawling Chaos, or a weekend Satanist–as long as you’re a mostly-good person, you’re more than welcome to hang out and drink with him. Just don’t call him Kailen.

The Demon – The 2,783rd child of Lilith, the Demon’s real name can’t be addressed here, as it causes dripping nosebleeds to any mortal who encounters it. Sorry! Despite his demonic background, he’s actually a decent sort of guy. He drinks with Fox and Collin, tries to meet women, and even takes a job as a nurse. He’s more of a moral voice for the comic than most of the non-demonic characters. Even when he recommends interior decorating with dead babies. (I would argue, “ESPECIALLY when he recommends interior decorating with dead babies,” but my lawyers tell me I shouldn’t reveal incriminating evidence about my hobbies.)

Anne “Bootsie” Khoeler – Collin’s “slave,” won in a poker game against her brother (the prize was actually the guy’s kidney, but he didn’t wanna pay up). Renamed “Bootsie” after a cat of Collin’s, Anne is more of a little sister/housekeeper to Fox and Collin. When her “slaving” contract expires, she wants to stick around to take care of the pair, on the condition that Collin gives her a village in the South American country he finally conquers. She grows up from nervous little girl to a bold young woman over the course of Friendly Hostility, tries unsuccessfully to date the Demon, and eventually moves away to college.

Fatima “The Evil Ice Princess from Hell” Maharassa (addressing the “fine art” of stalking above) – Fox’s older sister. It’s not so much that Fatima’s evil. It’s just that she does things her way, only her way, and she has her own unique moral code, which she rigidly adheres to. She sees The World According to Fatima, and scoffs at anyone else’s ideas that things could be done differently. She rejects notions of femininity and beauty, can and likely will kill you with her bare hands, and is easily mistaken for a long-haired, hairy-pitted man (in stark contrast to the soft and cute baby she was at the beginning of the comic). Fatima resents her mother’s embracing of feminine beauty and life as a housewife, and their relationship is strained at best, even after Fatima leaves her family by moving to Alaska. She was also briefly stalked by a woman named Amanda, who eventually ended up launching (unintentionally) into outer space as a result of being impregnated with Fatima’s “volatile Maharassa DNA.” (Did I mention Fatima’s and Fox’s dad is a mad scientist? No? Well.) In one of the more surprising plot developments, Fatima marries a man who saved her from freezing after she lost a fight with an avalanche (while trying to pick a fight with a bear) in Alaska. This becomes a little less surprising when she states she did so because she wants the man’s beautiful house and cat. Fatima’s relationship with her family is accurately summed up and depicted in this strip–they love her, but they also know that she won’t hesitate to sell them all out if it furthers her goals.

….And that’s just for starters. The cast gets even crazier, with characters like Padma and Nefertari “Bunny” Maharassa, the parents of Fox and Fatima. Bunny is a dancer-turned-homemaker, while Padma is the afore-mentioned mad scientist who has NASA on speed-dial. There’s “Uncle Rafi” Ibrafim (also seen in the above linked comic), a family friend who works as a Satanic priest on weekends, where they host a heckuva bake sale. And there’s Kitty, who begins as a fake girlfriend for another character, then becomes a real girlfriend of sorts, then has to share her fake-real boyfriend with another man (makes perfect sense, right?) And it just gets wilder from there.

The art is in a style that’s uniquely Fuhr’s. She’s not afraid to draw characters with realistic body types, which gives them personality, as well as balance to the amusingly unrealistic situations they often end up in. Friendly Hostility actually begins as a side story that takes place years earlier, when Fatima is still a baby. This means that the characters have to age over the course of the comic, and they do so believably–for example, look at this strip, featuring Padma, Bunny, Rafi, and baby Fatima. Compare it to this one, featuring the same characters a few decades later.

The storylines are sometimes just for laughs, but more often show how the various character relationships develop, fall apart, reconcile, and evolve. Also, sometimes ducks explode. It’s not a comic where you can just jump in at the beginning of any given storyline and instantly know what’s going on. That’s the closest thing to a warning I’ve really got here (and it’s stated to tickle your fancy rather than to tell you “watch out so this doesn’t trip you up”). Years of development have gone into the interactions amongst much of the cast. Fuhr includes more than enough variety in this comic that it never gets old or trite. Even the punchlines that have been done many times before in the world of humour manage to fit in here.

Friendly Hostility is actually connected to numerous earlier webcomic works by Fuhr, with characters from this comic appearing in earlier webcomics. Moreover, characters from Friendly Hostility will be appearing in Fuhr’s newest comic, Other People’s Business. But as Friendly Hostility is the first comic of Fuhr’s I read, this is where I’m placing your jumping-off point.

Now for a little blurb about Fuhr’s newest project, Other People’s Business. It only started up once Friendly Hostility was ending its run, so there’s not a lot to tell–perfect for a follow-up recommendation to a big webcomic review, eh?

Other People’s Business is the story of Daniela “Danny” Alvarez, a girl who’s pretty much given up on getting anywhere in life and prefers to drink herself into oblivion. This lofty goal gets shattered when a thief named Hilary literally comes crashing into her life (via the window), and the two end up on the run from a “fake cop,” who appears to have, at the very least, a secret mechanical arm (okay, so it’s tattoos…for now). And that’s about all I can tell you! At only seventeen pages in, catching up on this comic’s archives shouldn’t take you more than a few minutes. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see more about this strip here later….

But for now, you won’t be seeing anything else, because I am outski!

Greetings, Turbo Teens!

Well, I have returned relatively unscathed from the wilds of West Virginia.  Didn’t even hear any banjo music or anything.  I know I promised a recap of the shoot I participated in over this past weekend, but unfortunately I have been asked to keep mum until September ninth.  That’s the day that the teaser trailer for the Plan 9 remake will go live.  I’ll give you all a heads-up when it happens.  I will say that it was a lot of fun and a great experience.  I should be able to pummel you all with photos once the trailer hits the web.

So, the question becomes “What do I talk about for the rest of my article?”  Well, it just so happens that the Encore channels have bailed me out yet again.  You may remember a couple of weeks ago that they bestowed upon me the gift of Crimewave, and I graciously passed the savings onto you.  Well, it appears that the Encore gods have noticed what an 80s nut I am, because they’ve been delivering the goods lately.  They delivered unto me not just one, but three morsels of delectable 80s goodness.  And I’m about to break them down for you right here:

Spies Like Us

This was one of those great comedy gems from the 80s, when Chevy Chase was still funny, Dan Aykroyd was still thin, and John Landis was still directing movies.  I remember watching this flick every time it showed up on one of the pay channels.  It came out right around the height of popularity for the original “Not Ready for Prime Time Players”, and it seemed like most of them were consistently churning out hit comedies all the time.  This movie also sported an abundance of amusing cameos – Terry Gilliam as Dr. Imhaus, Frank Oz as a test monitor, Ray Harryhausen as Dr. Marston, B.B King and Larry Cohen as government agents, Sam Raimi and Joel Cohen as security guards, and Bob Hope as himself.

But, here’s the thing – despite the impressive list of credentials, I sat through this movie last week noticing that the movie isn’t as funny as I remember.  I mean, it is still amusing.  I grinned through almost the entire film as scenes I knew from memory unfolded and lines I could recite by heart were uttered onscreen.  Yet, the movie didn’t quite hit me like it used to.  I still like Spies Like Us, but I don’t think I’ll be needing to catch it every time Encore shows it this month.

2010: The Year We Make Contact

Interesting anecdote – I saw this movie before I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey.  In fact, I saw this movie a large number of times before I saw 2001.  I used to watch this every time it aired on one of the pay channels.  Certainly not the masterpiece that Kubrick’s film was, but I still enjoyed the hell out of it every time it came on.  The visuals alone – the Leonov and the Discovery silhouetted against Jupiter and its moon Io, the Monolith when it first appears before the crews of both ships… those images made such an impression on my young mind.

Then there was the scene that simply made me gasp in sheer awe – millions of little monoliths, devouring Jupiter.  The sight of the giant black spot growing as an entire gas giant was being sucked into the vortex while the Russians and the Americans were trying to escape sent shivers up my spine.  Many years later, at the age of thirty-four, that image still gives me shivers.  I found myself still enjoying this film immensely when I saw it last week, especially now that the underlying social commentary focusing on the politics of the Cold War no longer go over my head.  And to be honest?  I thing I like it more than 2001.  As artistic and revered as Kubrick’s film is, I found it to be long and boring in parts.  I think I’ll watch 2010 a large number of times before I see 2001 again.

The Gate

I saved the best (or at least my favorite) for last.  When I saw that this was being shown on Encore, I immediately set the TiVo to record.  This is one of my favorite little-known horror films from the 80s, starring a young Stephen Dorff in his first film role!  Every time this cool little movie would show up on one of the pay channels, I would immediately be glued to the tube (are we noticing a pattern yet?  Yes, I spent a lot of time watching movies on pay channels).

The premise of this film is simple and fun – three kids are left home for the weekend.  They accidentally release an ancient demon from its dark abyss.  Kids save the day!

One of the things that impressed me when I rewatched this movie last weekend was how well the special effects held up.  There are some incredible stop-motion effects for the different creatures that end up attacking our young heroes that would make Ray Harryhausen (Dr. Marston!) proud.  In fact, there were moments where I couldn’t tell if the effects were stop-motion or little people in suits next to a blue screen.

I found myself enjoying this movie just as much now as I did when I was a wee lad.  It’s a fun little horror flick with some surprisingly good acting coming from our young trio.  Impressive, since they have to carry the film.  This one I’m keeping on my TiVo for awhile… at least until the special edition DVD is released in October.

I’m hoping that Encore continues this current trend of gifting me with 80s delights that I used to enjoy during my childhood.  Of course, for every classic rarity like The Gate, Encore seems to like showing abysmal crap like Date with an Angel and Mannequin 2: On the Move.

The Encore gods giveth, and they taketh away.

All these worlds are yours, except The Don.  Attempt no landings there.  Seriously, you’ll thank us.