So, the whole “does Zelda have an official timeline?” debate has been stirred up online. Yes, AGAIN. This time, it was the current Zelda manager, Eiji Aonuma, confirming in a recent interview that the Zelda timeline is documented, but so confidential that only Aonuma, Shigeru Miyamoto, and another director of Zelda projects have access to it.

This article does not speculate whether or not the Zelda “master timeline” exists. I’m sure if the guys in charge of Zelda at Nintendo Japan say it does, then it does. I’ll leave the debating over whether or not Nintendo is lying to this write-up over on Zelda Informer–worth checking out both for the points raised in the article and the discussion in the comments, by the way. This article is merely my brief thoughts on what the “master timeline” really is.

Here are those brief thoughts: Nintendo isn’t lying, but the timeline is no master.

What, you want more? I can’t believe you guys actually expect me to do some work here! Fine….*GrumblegrumbleMonsterBait*

When I say the timeline exists, but it’s no master, I mean this: the timeline is being composed retroactively when each new game is developed. I know those Zelda timeline theorists out there would love to believe that Miyamoto introduced the original The Legend of Zelda with full knowledge of where the story would go in the future, and that all the games have reflected this pre-existing knowledge. But that’s just not the case.

Nintendo has always emphasized gameplay over story. That line has been repeated so many times I’m only adding it here for completion’s sake. No one knew the Zelda series would take off like it has. Very few fans were concerned when it was revealed that A Link to the Past would feature a different Link and Zelda than in the The Legend of Zelda. (I’m not saying “and Zelda II” because the Princess Zelda in that game was not the same Princess Zelda as in the original game, but was a distant ancestor–though Zelda II still had the same Link as in the first Zelda game. Also, I’m not saying “and Link’s Awakening” because there were no Princess Zeldas in that game. Just a Link, who appears to be the one from A Link to the Past. Confusing, innit?) It was only when we learned Ocarina of Time would have a brand-new Link and Zelda, again**, that people really started to care about what happened when, and how events of one game connected to the others in the series.

**For those keeping score at home, that’s three Links and four Princess Zeldas over the course of five games.

It seems most likely that at this point, or sometime during the next few games that came after Ocarina of Time, Nintendo realized they couldn’t keep tossing out Zelda games that reference other Zelda games without some sort of timeline to keep a pretense at order. So not only is the so-called “master timeline” being written up retroactively, it’s also not set in stone. How many contradictions have we seen from one Zelda game to another that make it difficult to determine their proper order? I can guarantee you, Nintendo has been caught out by those same contradictions, and putting together a “master timeline” is a too-late but ongoing attempt to make order out of the chaos. A good reason for keeping the alleged document confidential is that perhaps Nintendo knows it contains conflicts and paradoxes since there’s already so much of that in the games.

And let’s face it: the Zelda universe is too big and scattered to easily keep track of. The development team changes from game to game, so there’s a steady stream of people who don’t know their Zelda canon from the inside out and so abandon or forget previously-important story elements. Each game has multiple writers. Each writer alters the story from its originally-conceived version a little bit more, until the final product is different from what any one writer imagined, and it’s not uncommon for story elements to contradict when multiple people worked on them. That’s just at Nintendo Japan; I’m not even getting into translation alterations that are made when Zelda games are localized for different countries. But you’d be surprised at how much plot and other concepts can change from the original Japanese releases to, say, North American releases. (Link goes to a translation comparison of the backstory in the Japanese and North American A Link to the Past manuals.)

I really don’t think there can ever BE a true timeline at this point. There’s just too much clashing information, and Miyamoto, the creator of the Zelda series himself, has said that he’s never really been concerned with game order or continuity between games. The closest we can ever get to a real “master timeline” would be to have a team of people at Nintendo Japan examining every single bit of dialogue and lore from every single Zelda game, comparing their information, tossing out all conflicts, and rewriting paradoxical bits that can’t be compromised. Those last two bits mean that the timeline would still never be an accurate representation of the history of Hyrule since the content taken from the actual games would have to be partially altered and rewritten in order to fit into the timeline. On top of that, I highly doubt that the Zelda “master timeline” is being composed by a team of people who spend their days examining the Zelda universe nonstop. Most likely, it’s a few people who write down major plot elements in their downtime at work, which means that vital but easily-overlooked details are being left out. Missing information can cause as much inaccuracy as conflicting information.

And that’s why I don’t think we’re ever gonna see a true Zelda “master timeline”. If Nintendo DOES ever make this mystical document public, I imagine it’ll be full of those previously-mentioned plot conflicts and paradoxes, which’ll just make the fans debate the timeline even more, and no one will really be appeased. Or the story will be extremely cut back or rewritten and missing important details in order to crop out all clashing data, which will just make the masses equally fan-raged.

I’d like to say that I’d really love to be proven wrong. I want to see a tight timeline that no one can argue with, that tells when and where my favourite games fall into their own canon! I just don’t see it realistically happening.

So what’s my belief on the order of the Zelda games?

Oh, no, I am NOT opening that can of Lanmolas.

Greetings, Warriors!!

There are two things that immediately spring to mind when I think about the Fester’s Quest game that came out for the NES back in the late eighties:

“Man, that was a great game!”

and

“$#*&@%#!!”

Released in 1989 by Sunsoft, Fester’s Quest was this little hidden gem of a game amongst the rest of the NES titles that came out that year.  Featuring an overhead layout (with a few scattered, first-person, dungeon crawl-like areas) and utilizing gameplay mechanics similar to the game Blaster Master, you controlled Uncle Fester as he ran around town trying to save it from and alien invasion.

While the gameplay was fun and the environment was visually stimulating, the game itself was quite – to put it mildly – challenging.

Between clunky movement and shooting mechanics, frequent and sometimes hard to avoid weapon degrade drops mixed in with the upgrade drops, and enemies that would pop up almost everywhere way too often, this game would frequently get very frustrating.  Yet, for some reason, I couldn’t stop playing it.  Thrown controllers aside (pun intended), I still enjoyed every minute of this game.  For me, at that young age, Fester’s Quest was different and inventive.  Plus, the fact that it was based on what was then a twenty-five year old, black and white television show impressed me.

Though I never actually owned Fester’s Quest, this cartridge has the distinction of being one of the few titles I rented repeatedly (well, as long as my parents had no problems paying for the rental and driving me to and from the rental place).  The first time I rented it, I remember picking up this title and the first Ducktales game.  I found myself enjoying both so much that I had a hard time choosing between the two to play.  I think the quirkiness and eccentricities of Fester’s Quest is what made it stand out for me, though, as well as what made it a constant on my video game rental list.

Before finishing this article, I decided to play it again just to see how it holds up.  It’s not as difficult as I remember, but it still can get frustrating as hell.  Part of the problem is the damn gun upgrades.  Until you upgrade to the best gun in the game, your projectiles tend to do some kind of wonky zig-zag or loop-de-loops as they head towards their target.  This can prove to be somewhat anger-inducing when you are in close quarters with some nasty alien varmints and your gun blasts keep getting stopped by the local shrubbery.  But you know what?  I still enjoyed the hell out of the game.  In fact, it took me at least an hour to get back to this article, I was having so much fun.

So, is Fester’s Quest as good as I remember?  Yup.  In fact, I’m going back to play it some more.

“$#*&@%#!!”

There goes another controller.

The Don is creepy and he’s kooky, he’s hairy like a wookiee, he’ll make you wanna pukee…

It pays to follow what your favourite webcomics creators are doing outside of their webcomics. You learn interesting facts, like in this recent announcement on LiveJournal from Kaja Foglio, of Studio Foglio, where the comics Girl Genius, MYTH Adventures, What’s New, and Buck Godot are hosted.

To sum up, the Foglios will be creating a comic and other odds and bodkins to go with PlayStation Home’s upcoming steampunk area. Often regarded as bloatware where users go to harass other users (or get harassed by other users), this may be the one thing for many PS3 owners that makes them actually want to blow the dust off their Home accounts and log in. At least, I know that’s how it’s working for me.

I’ll be keeping a close eye on this development. You know, so you don’t have to. (Because who really follows Home news, anyways?)

Now, back to harassing other Home users–I mean, enjoying an enriched and healthy and social PlayStation Home experience.

According to Merriam-Webster and other dictionaries, the definition of “art” is “a: the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects; also: works so produced b (1): fine arts (2): one of the fine arts (3): a graphic art”. Sounds pretty abstract a concept, right? Left up to the individual? So, then, what you consider art is your opinion, and your opinion only. There are absolutely no facts about what art is.

I touched on the unique and beautiful art style of the upcoming The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword in last week’s E3 article. Since then, new information has come out regarding the visuals, like in this article from Kotaku: “Skyward’s unique visual style, which looks like a halfway meeting between Wind Waker and Twilight Princess, was inspired by Miyamoto’s love of impressionism [art], and the skies in the game are a tribute to [French Post-Impressionist artist] Cézanne.” Wow! When I saw the screenshots linked in my previous article, I remarked that the game looked like a painting. I didn’t know at the time that this was because the graphics were inspired by paintings. Now, whenever someone whines about the art style, you can them an “uncultured pleb”!

This reminded me of Roger Ebert’s latest assertion in April that video games “can never be art”, despite his having no qualifications to speak on this topic since he doesn’t actually play video games. (I want to point out this link to Ebert’s blog freezes my browser every time I load it, so click at your own risk. It won’t factor into my article since it’s not relevant to art, but it’s not exactly getting on my good side here, either, Ebert.) In this article, he backtracked a little and said MAYBE games can be art, but never in our lifetime, and they’ll never, ever be “high (read: real) art”.

Other sites have already addressed Ebert’s crap-stirring topic over and over again, and make for entertaining reads, so I don’t need to go into that here. I’m quite fond of Cracked.com’s take on the whole debate, for the record. Oh, and don’t miss a response article from Ebert all the way back in 2007, in which he repeatedly and openly insults novelist Clive Barker for daring to disagree. The comments on these other articles also do a good job of raising up valid instances of video games as art. I know I’ve never cried at a funeral no matter how much I loved the deceased, but I definitely shed tears at the endings of Link’s Awakening, Secret of Mana, and Ocarina of Time, for example. To me, that is art. It does not have to be art to someone else. What art is is left entirely up to each and every individual.

Art begets art. There are professionally-rendered Mario statues and paintings of Princess Zelda. There’s Video Games Live, bringing game music to the orchestra pit…and orchestrated music IN video games is not an unheard-of occurrence. And now, we have The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, which has an orchestrated soundtrack and is created to look like an Impressionist painting. Are statues, paintings, and orchestral performances no longer art if their source material is a video game, Ebert? Or are video games themselves art because of the creativity and imagination that goes into them per the dictionary definition, as well as elements normally associated with art, such as orchestrated music and art movement visuals?

When you come down to is that what art is, is left entirely up to personal opinion. I will never consider a good 95% of modern abstract creations to be art. You took a paintbrush, dipped it in black paint, flicked it on a canvas, and named it “Despair”? I could do that in thirty seconds! Your work doesn’t belong in a museum that paid millions of dollars for it; it belongs at the thrift store. Or in the garbage. But the difference between Ebert and I is that he presents his opinion of video games as fact, while I make it very clear right now that my perception of abstract modern art is only one writer’s opinion. And, also unlike Ebert, I won’t tell you that you’re wrong to think otherwise, as he did game designer Kellee Santiago in his blog. (Though I might look at you funny if I find a print of “Despair” hanging in your house. Partly because I made it up. I’ve seen a painting in the Museum of Modern Art in Washington, DC that was virtually identical to my example, but I don’t remember the name.)

Oh, and let’s end on a high (high art?) note. This thread gives me hope for humanity: intrigued by the new Zelda title’s graphics, at least one gamer has taken a (renewed) interest in Cézanne’s work. I doubt this will be the last person to seek out classic art in the face of new art!

And that’s my opinion.

Next week, you’ll probably have to fend for yourselves, as I’ll be buried neck-deep in things outside the Internet. Enjoy a week off from me!

So, I had several article topics planned for this week. Then Nintendo had to go and hold their press conference the same day my column here goes live, and, well, I can’t hear anything over the sound of how awesome the new Zelda Wii game, tentatively-titled The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, is. Nope, can’t hear ya, buddy. So we’re just gonna haveta talk Hylian heroes.

Wanna see still art and screenshots? Make with the clickin’ here!

Wanna see a promo video? You got it!

Wanna see more video? Here ya go!

Because about all fans in any fandom like to do is complain, there’s some griping about the cel-shading. That’ll pass once we learn more about game mechanics and story and innovations to the Zelda universe; remember how much flack Wind Waker took for its graphics before it was released? Yet now it’s a much-loved title in the series, with even the haters admitting that it was a fun game. Which, of course, is the most important thing. (For accuracy’s sake, I was one of the people who didn’t like the Wind Waker style, but my enjoyment of a game has nothing to do with graphics, beyond being able to tell where I’m going and what I’m looking at.)

My initial thoughts on the new Zelda title are best expressed in the way I wrote them on a Zelda forum when the news from Nintendo’s E3 press conference poured out:

“I LOVE the cel-shaded tones! I’m so sick of all video games being dark and gritty-looking, with virtually no colour. It’s getting to where it’s hard to tell one game from another if the characters aren’t in the shot, because everyone’s using the same dark and neutral lack-of-colours. Like someone bled all the life and vibrancy from the universe. The cel-shaded use of colour in Borderlands was one of my favourite things about the non-gameplay aspects. It was so nice to see colour even in the game’s darker and more adult moments–and it made it easier to distinguish one object from another, too. The cel-shading was also a refreshing new visual style.

“I’m still not happy about all the right-handed art and sword swings (instead of cel-shading, that’ll be MY whiner nitpick! ;D) But I noticed in the video that Link was doing some things left-handed and some things right-handed, so I’m hoping we have a better explanation for the righty tendencies than “Nintendo’s catering to the righties so they don’t whine about maybe having to think left-handed for a few minutes, even though the world’s lefties often have to do things right-handed.” I played Twilight Princess on the Wii both left-handed and right-handed, switching the Wiimote from hand to hand. I honestly didn’t notice a damn bit of difference in how the game controls, so it irked me that Nintendo felt they had to literally mirror the game’s graphics for the Wii release (Wiilease?) I would LOVE it if we at least had the option to make Link either a lefty or a righty.”

And if all that’s not exciting enough, Nintendo is also said to be remaking Ocarina of Time and StarFox for the upcoming 3DS. Check out these screen shots of the visually-improved Zelda 3DS titles!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ll be rabidly refreshing the Nintendo E3 site for the rest of the evening! Whilst simultaneously poking fun at Sony’s and Microsoft’s still-lackluster attempts to swipe Nintendo’s gamers with their rip-off proposed motion controls. You know, after slamming Nintendo’s use of them for so long. It’s not that I’m biased (though I totally am). It’s that I despise hypocrisy.

Greetings, Mynocks!!

Starting next week and running through summer, I will be bringing you a brand new series called “The Don Remembers…”  A nostalgic series, I will be focusing on toys, movies, television, cereals, and other pop culture fixtures that have been a part of our lives for the past thirty years, adding my own anecdotes and observations to give each entry that unique flavor that you love to read from me every week.  I think it will a fun way to spend the summer, and hopefully you’ll all come indoors every so often to partake in said having of the fun.

In anticipation of this weekly summer feature, this week’s “Office” will be a sneak preview of sorts, to give you a taste of what’s to come.  And since the magic number here is thirty, what better way to kick it off then by delivering you a one-two punch to the reader-plexus with two franchises that just turned thirty this past weekend – The Empire Strikes Back and Pac-Man!

The Empire Strikes Back

Arguably the best film in the entire Star Wars saga (no matter whether you count all six installments or just the original Holy Trilogy), Empire is a prime example of how Lucas should have handled all of his films after the first one became such a surprising success – hire a better director to helm your film while you hire better writers to polish your script.  Because that’s what he did with Empire, and somehow managed to hit it pretty close to the mark to get us all riled up like that (in a good way).  What came out of that masterful stroke of good decision-making was a darker, yet fun and thrilling film that gave its predecessor a run for its money, while at the same time causing everyone to wet themselves in excitement as their jaws dropped into their collective laps.

I know that’s how my five-year-old self felt.  I remember my parents taking me to see this when it first came out.  Already a huge fan by the time I hit five, I remember the excitement as we waited in line for the next showing at our local theater.  I could hear the thrum and drum of the film as it played on to the movie-goers already held by its thrall.  My anxious anticipation building to almost unbearable levels, I tore away for a second and peeked in at what was being played on the screen.  I was greeted instantly with the sight of Luke’s X-Wing as it zoomed across the stars.  But not even that image could prepare me for what awaited my young senses when it was our turn to take our seats.

Interestingly enough, everything that makes this movie great is exactly what made this one my least favorite when I was a kid.  I remember bawling my eyes out when Han got taken away in carbonite, and I simply couldn’t wait another three years to find out of Luke and his friends could save him.  In the meantime, my actions figures made very sure that he was rescued and back on smuggler detail immediately.

It took awhile, but as my movie-going mind matured my tastes matured, and The Empire Strikes Back eventually became my favorite movie of all time, and it remains so to this day.

Pac-Man

There isn’t a soul on the face of civilized earth that doesn’t recognize this tiny, round, phasmophobe with a severe pill addiction.  Originally called “Puck Man”, this classic arcade game came out during the birth of the video game age, at a time when the big draws all involved spaceships shooting at hostile invaders of one sort or another.  Though it wasn’t initially a big hit in its country of inception (Japan), it became almost an instant success the minute it hit American shores.  After that, everyone had “Pac-Man Fever”.

Merchandise for the pizza-inspired character went into overdrive – candy, board games, cereal, plushies, t-shirts.  TV shows at the time were known to air episodes that at least mentioned the game, and in some instances would have an episode’s plot center around someone playing it incessantly.  Pac-Man’s American distributor Midway got so cocky after the game’s success that they quickly cranked out several spin-offs over the next couple of years, much to the irritation of the game’s creator – Namco.  Despite the faux pas that forced Namco and Midway to eventually part ways, Pac-Man continued to grow in popularity, eventually becoming the world-recognized pop culture phenomenon it is today.

Where I grew up, pizza places seemed to be the venues that would generally have a video game console or two before arcades became widespread, making them almost like Disneyland to my young mind.  When our local Pizza Hut got its first Pac-Man machine, I remember staring at it in wonder.  Steering a little yellow guy through mazes while trying to avoid ghosts was something that was very relevant to my interests.  Already a video game addict by the time I was five, it didn’t take much to bug my parents for quarters.  And Pac-Man was no exception.

Didn’t take long for me to realize that I was terrible at the game.  Certainly didn’t stop me from cleaning out my parents’ pockets for small, silver Washingtons.  And I would continue to waste my parents’ change on that maze navigator for quite some time… at least, until another pill-popper with a bow came along and proved to be a better and more fun game to play.  And don’t even get me started on apes throwing barrels.

So that was your first taste of what’s to come for the summer.  Starting next week, be prepared to take that proverbial trip down memory lane.  Watch out for traffic.

The Don isn’t a system, he’s a man.  Though, that’s stretching it a bit.

Greetings, Luxan warriors!

One of the things that always makes my uber-geeky self squee like a simpleton on a merry-go-round are crossovers.  Take two or more characters from different properties and toss them into a playground together to let them have at it and I’m an extremely happy camper.

I’ve been a fan of the crossover ever since my first Kenner Stormtrooper (no, not yesterday).  Name the medium and I can give you an example of a crossover that just blew my mind.  Even if it was something I wasn’t an avid follower of, if characters from two separate universes were banging heads I was there to see it:

TV: From “Simon & Simon” and “Magnum PI” crossing over to “Ally MacBeal” and “The Practice” to “Doctor Who” and “Torchwood” (it counts), I’ve been all over the boob tube and have enjoyed the geekgasms that were served by the normally stuffy networks.

Movies: Despite how awful Alien vs. Predator was, I still appreciated the gesture.  And with Nick Fury’s cameo in Iron Man and Stark’s cameo in The Incredible Hulk, my appetite has been whetted for what’s to come with the rest of the Marvel pantheon’s transition to film.

Comics: Probably where it all began for me.  From the humble beginnings where Hulk threw down against the Fantastic Four or Daredevil and Spidey would team up to full company crossovers like Supes and Spidey or Spawn and Batman, comic book continue to be the top dog when it comes to crossover events.  And I continue to go broke feeding the addiction.

Video Games:  Another medium that has been doing crossovers for most of its life.  Recently the crossover phenomenon has had a major resurgence, with Sonic and Solid Snake showing up in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Disney and Square characters teaming up against shadowy baddies in the Kingdom Hearts games, or the ever popular Marvel vs. Capcom series, which is finally getting a new installment after a ten year hiatus.  I’m just as much a sucker for these crossovers as I am for any of the others mentioned above.

This leads me to the latest entry to the concept.  It’s funny that I list video games last, as it provides the perfect segue way to my latest obsession.  Created by a new game and movie developer called Exploding Rabbit, this game could be the crossover to end all 8-bit crossovers.

At the very least, it will make a lot of fanboys (including me) extremely happy.

So, what do you get when you take what is widely considered one of the greatest NES games of all time and add a few characters from other series that proved to be just as popular in the 8-bit universe?

You get Super Mario Bros. Crossover.

This game is frikkin’ awesome!  A completely flash-based recreation of the original Super Mario Bros., this game kicks it up several notches by allowing you to play, not only as Mario, but as Megaman, Simon Belmont, Link, Samus, or Bill from Contra.  Each character pretty much operates just like they would in their home game, but modified to work within the mechanics of the Super Mario Bros. universe.  For example, Link starts off with the weakest sword, tunic and boomerang.  Mushroom him up?  He now has his red tunic and medium attack sword.  Give him a slice of fire flower pie?  He now has his blue tunic, most powerful sword (and it shoots!), and the extended boomerang.  All of the characters work based on the same mechanic, which turns out to be quite genius in conception.

I don’t want to give too much away, as you really need to play this thing.  One note: the game as is works only with the keyboard.  But, since playing with a keyboard sucks, there is a FAQ that tell you where to find a program you can download that will allow you to map a controller to the appropriate keys.

That said, I think I’ve imparted enough wisdom for today.  You can play the game for yourself by going to the Exploding Rabbit website.

Go, and see the wonders I have shown you…

The Don’s princess is in another castle.  There’s a restraining order…

Greetings, Lollipop Guild!

This week is a busy week for me.  This weekend I’ve got hosting duties as horror show host Dr. Ghoulie for the premiere of a “white trash” horror flick made by a friend of mine called The Creightonville Terror in Luray, Virginia.

All of my focus this week has been on prepping for that, so I haven’t really had the ability to direct my attention to much else.  Heck, even my article on CHUD this week was a reprint of one of my earlier efforts here (since I’m horror show hosting this weekend, my “Creature Feature” article was perfect).

But, you know me (maybe).  I feel guilty if I don’t at least offer you all something to tide you over until I can return full force (has that actually happened yet?).  And since I’ve been able to squeeze some time in here and there to play the new game I bought this past weekend, I figured I would offer you my thoughts (my apologies).

I managed to pick up the latest racing game efforts by Sega this past Saturday – Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing.  After playing the demo, I was having enough fun to justify the purchase.  After putting in a few couch-hours on this sucker, I’m convinced that decision was a good one.

Of course, one of the first questions to pop up is most likely “How does this compare to Mario Kart?  The second question to follow that one is generally “Why are you such a tool?”  In the interest of time and my attempt to choke back tears, I’ll only be covering the first question.

Upon first playing the game, it’s completely obvious that All-Stars rips of Mario Kart almost completely.  In fact, you may almost feel like you’re playing some alternate universe version of the popular Nintendo series that just happens to include Sega characters (hey, it’s not out of the realm of possibility – look at Super Smash Bros. Brawl).  I mean, you have different-themed “cup” races and timed trial races, different characters from across Sega’s library of games in different vehicles with various capabilities, drift and start boosts, battle modes, and the coup de grace – question-marked item boxes spread out throughout the track that allow you to gain items for use on yourself or against other players.  It’s like someone did a cut-and-paste and just swapped out characters.

The thing is, despite the cloned aspects of All-Stars, the game still manages to stand out on its own.  Instead of having to accomplish certain feats and tricks to unlock characters and karts, Sega based their game on a “Sega Miles” system.  The more you race in the different events, the more miles you can earn.  These can then be used to purchase characters, tracks, and music.  This makes things a little less frustrating for purists who want to unlock everything in the game but feel repeatedly defeated by some unlockables that are irritatingly difficult to achieve.

Another difference is that Sega has included “missions” – a series of single races where the player has an objective that they need to complete in each race.  After playing a couple of these, I kind of like the idea.  It adds a little more variety to the standard “three laps to the goal” tracks.

I think the best feature All-Stars has over Mario Kart is a difficulty setting.  One thing that had me cursing to the point of making sailors blush was that the latest Nintendo offering seemed to have amped up the challenge factor to almost eleven.  There were times when I swear there was no way I could win a race, as every other NPC had agreed off-screen to target me and me alone with every item they could get their hands on.  As soon as that light turned green I was bombarded with turtle shells and banana peels galore.  How I ever made it to the finish line is still a mystery to me to this day.  But, with All-Stars, if the racing seems a little too cut-throat for your tastes, simply switch to “Beginner” mode.  Now you’re playing with power (oops!).

One of the downsides to this game in comparison to its Nintendo cousin is that each character only has one vehicle that they come with.  Not really a deal-breaker, per se, but when you’ve been spoiled rotten by the fact that each character in Mario Kart has multiple karts or motor cycles that they can tool around in, being stuck with one option for Sonic or Alex Kidd is a slight disappointment.  I guess the nice balance to that is the fact that All-Stars will be offering character DLCs to keep the variety appeal.

Finally, I want to mention the icing on the cake for me, something that elevates this game slightly above Mario Kart – zombie areas.  Yes, race fans, there are three tracks in the game that come out of The House of the Dead series.  That means there are zombies walking around while you race.  Sure – you can hit them, but they’ll cause you to spin out (unless you do a speed boost through them – fun!).  And to add the cherry on top, there is a zombie couple you can select to race as, rocking the engine revs in a monster hot rod that looks like something out of “The Munsters”.  I mean, come on.  Zombies.  You had me at “Braaaaains…”

All of these elements combined make for a well crafted and fun racing game.  In fact, despite the fact that I generally favor the plumber to the hedgehog, the more I play All-Stars (my favorite racer is Shadow the Hedgehog on his gnarly Harley), the more I’m inclined to say “Mario who?”

Please don’t tell him I said that.

The Don’s idea of Super Sonic is upscaling his meal at the fast food place.

Greetings, Facehuggers!

As I mentioned to you all last week, I have turned another year older.  Though my physical age may continue to run ahead of me, my essence remains ensconced within a youthful visage, and my interests continue to dwell within a timeless epoch.

Simply put – I’m getting older, but I still love things from my youth.

Case in point, as much as I love modern day video gaming (and I do love me some modern day video gaming), I’m still very much a fan of the old school – Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Mr. Do…  Those are games that, no matter what the new hotness is that I am currently playing on my PS3, I can go back to and play anytime and still get just as much enjoyment out of them now as I did when I first put a quarter in the coin slot back when arcades were still all the rage (I miss arcades).  The classics never get old to me.  And when emulators first became available many moons ago, I went giddy with glee at the thought of being able to play my favorite arcade classics on my PC at home.

Now, here we are in the Year of Our Monolith, and one of the things that has always been a minor obstacle in my enjoyment of classic arcadia has been the inability to play them wherever I go.  Arcades have all but dried up, and the ones that still exist only fill a certain quota – some fighting games, some shooter games, some racing games, a DDR game or two, and some silly, little ticket-spewers.  I have a laptop, and that’s portable… but only to an extent.  Sure, I can play them in my hotel room or at a friend’s house if I bring lappy with me, but I couldn’t just fire up the ol’ MAME while waiting to be seated at an Olive Garden.

Until now.

One of the coolest gifts I got for my birthday was a handy-dandy little portable device called the GP2X WIZ.  This sucker is like a portable slice of love, as it can play any emulator from Atari to Commodore 64 all the way up to PS1.  In short – this thing rocks!

And that isn’t even half of it.  It does tons more!  Not only can it play all those different emulators, but it can also function as an e-book reader, a music player, a picture viewer, a movie viewer, a planner, and a digital recording device.  With all that I’m rather surpised that it doesn’t also grant wishes.  Trust me, it doesn’t.  I tried rubbing it, but to no avail.

Now, it’s a wee bit pricey, but it’s really worth it if you want to save up for it.  It includes a gig of drive space, but you can also throw games and emulators on any size SD card and toss that in there as well.  This thing is truly a remarkable device.  I’ve already slapped three different emulators on a two gig card and have been spending a lot of time playing all my favorite classics writing articles for you fine folk.

That said, I should probably get back to playing Pac-Man writing more writings for the readers of said writings.  In the meantime, I leave you with the other, cool, geeky item I got for my latest trip around Sol:

I certainly won’t freeze before I reach the first marker.

The Don thought they smelled bad on every side.

This is a bragging post, guys. I make no apologies. I’m too darn excited! On Sunday, by way of an overgenerous better half, I found myself cradling the new Nintendo DSi XL mere hours after it was released in the States. Finally, I could play the copy of The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks that I got for Christmas! (Yes, I get Zelda games even if I don’t own the console for them yet. First-edition games usually have the best bugs to exploit. Though I did slack off on acquiring all the other portable Zelda titles aside from the original version of Link’s Awakening.)

This was only the second time I’d played a DS in my life, and I’m still stunned at how intuitive everything is. After a lifetime spent mashing buttons, I didn’t expect dragging pointers and tapping things to feel so natural. Of course, this is a Zelda game I’m playing, so it’s fine-tuned and full of all the bells and whistles you’d expect from a title in the series (some of which bells ‘n’ whistles I imagine you activate by blowing in the mic, ba-dum-pssh).

The sound is very good. So far I’ve only been able to play in a noisy room (housemate playing Battlefield: Bad Company 2 a few feet away), but everything comes through the speakers clearly. I can’t wait to stick a good pair of headphones in the jack and see what it sounds like to be immersed in the music and mutterings of a DS game.

I wanted a DSi XL mainly for the larger screen size, and it does not disappoint. Here’s where I break out the photos to let the device speak for itself. A few notes before we continue:

1: The images on the screen are incredibly clear and crisp. Compressing the pictures for the Web means a bit of quality is lost, sadly.

2: The bottom screen is slightly faded due to an external light source reflecting. There wasn’t anywhere else decent to take the picture, nor any better position for the DS to be in. The touch screen is just as gorgeous as the display screen!

3: These photos were taken from about three feet away with no zoom. One of the DSi XL’s selling points is that its bigger screen means a larger player/audience viewing area, and it delivers!

Our resident hand model “Miss Thing” shows off the new larger stylus, as well as the relative size of the DSi XL itself. The original smaller stylus, also included with the DSi XL, is on the right of the unit.

So far, I couldn’t be happier with my new combo of DSi XL + Zelda. I foresee the beginnings of a long, beautiful friendship!