Greetings, Shadow Warriors!

There’s an old saying where I come from, and it goes something like this:

“If you can’t come up with a Spwug article for the week, just make something up.”

How anyone in my home town even knew there would ever be a web site called Spwug some day in the future is a riddle that we may never solve (radiation spill).  Be that as it may, today it just happens to be good advice.  I’m having a frazzleweek (not to be confused with a Fraggle Rock) this week, and it’s making it tough to come up with anything substantial to offer.  So instead, I once again break out the odds and ends that I have come across over the past couple of days, plop them all into a stew pot, add some seasonings, stir, and serve it to you with some blue milk, courtesy of the charred corpse of Aunt Beru.

What?  It’s not like the Lars family was going to be drinking it anymore.  It was just sitting there on the table.

Megaman 10 is out.  Rockman continues to cry at the injustice.

For those of us still clinging to the nostalgia of our 80s roots (and who really isn’t these days?) and were feeling a little like we got repeatedly crotch-punched by the last fanboy-pleasing offering, Capcom once again gives us the retro-NES-looking goodness of Megaman 10.  While the last installment offered Proto as DLC, this time he comes ready-to-play, with Bass being the DLC character this time around.  All of the graphic and gameplay charm of 9 returns, but this time you can save yourself a cranial bruising from beating your head against the wall – Megaman 10 includes an “easy mode”.  Meanwhile, the Japanese continue to laugh at us while they exist in their superior universe.

Final Fantasy XIII also came out this week.  World buckles at the contradiction.

I stopped playing this series a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away…), sometime after X or XI or XVIC or whatever that one was with the different characters (stupid Roman numerals).  I’ve read that there have been a few changes, one of which is that the battle system is set up similar to Advent Children.  I’ve heard mixed feedback.  A few of my friends seem to enjoy it, while a few others do not.  And still a few other others are still wondering how there are thirteen of them when it’s the “Final Fantasy” (and even more when you count the spin-offs).  I still maintain that three six is the best one Square has ever done, and they will never be able to top just how well that game is.

The new Tron Legacy trailer is online.

Some of you may be a wee bit too young to remember the movie that put CG animation on the map and laid the groundwork for what Spielberg, Cameron, and Pixar are doing today in film.  Tron didn’t pull in a very large box office when it opened back in 1982, but it has since gained a cult following – enough of one that Disney finally greenlit a sequel last year.  Jumping on the viral marketing bandwagon, Disney has kept the details scarce on this new movie, but has made discovering the details rather fun and exciting.  Most recently, people around the world had the opportunity to go on hide-and-seek missions to find an individual wearing a “Flynn Lives” t-shirt in several major cities around the globe.  The reward?  Exclusive swag, and the ability to unlock an online page that featured dates and locations for a “secret” showing of the new trailer for Tron Legacy.  For those who could stand to wait a few extra days, the trailer went online for everyone this week.  And it is badass.

Speaking of movie trailers…

I’ve got two words for you: “briefcase armor”:

One of these things is not like the other…

Word has it that John Krasinski has landed the role of Captain America for the new Marvel film.  You may know him from the American version of “The Office”.  The rest of you may know him as the guy completely wrong for the part.

And that concludes this broadcast day!  I know I said before that I would be making stuff up, but I decided not to… or, at least not entirely.  One of the things I mentioned above is not at all true (or is close to the truth but not true).  Can you figure out which one?  Ooohh!  Puzzles!  I’m guessing that this one won’t be enough of a challenge to keep you busy until next Thursday, will it?

Probably not.

There’s nothing special about The Don.  He’s just an ordinary program.

Well, guys, it’s been a busy week, and we’re only three days into it! I could ramble on and on about the state of the Geek Nation (we’re not quite as snazzily-dressed as the Colbert Nation), but Battlefield: Bad Company 2 has dropped today, the next installment in EA’s comedy-action-FPS series. The last time I ever see my housemate will be when he walks in the door with game in hand, as he will be glued to the PS3 for the foreseeable future. So pardon me if I’m keen to rush out of here and say my final farewells. In the spirit of rushin’ (but not Russians–that’ll be left up to Bad Company 2), have a few little news clippy-dippies of what’s been on my mind the past week:

Item the first – The new Borderlands downloadable content, “The Secret Armory of General Knoxx.” So far, this is shaping up to be the best DLC yet! Fantastic new enemies, weapons, and vehicles, and the new maps are appropriately huge. It also takes the punny, crude humour of the game and boots it up a few notches, particularly in the form of grafitti. I’d share screenshots, but most of the jokes thus far are not suitable for Spwuggy content. The “politest” one I’ve seen is a poster depicting one of the game’s despised Crimson Lance bullies soldiers. Over the soldier is the word “VACANCY” with arrows pointing at the soldier’s head and, uh, crotch. Only a handful of the add-on’s quests have been completed so far in this household, but I’ve already lost track of the laugh-out-loud moments–there’s just too much with the funny! By the way, in this DLC, you will learn a bit more about redneck Scooter and the sexy Mad Moxxi than you probably wanted to know. And it’s not what you’re thinking. Check out the launch trailer for the add-on; although it’s not humourous like I’d expect a Borderlands to be, take a good look at the wanted posters of the four main characters about twenty seconds in. Particularly, look at the female character’s picture for a good chuckle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFWMnKeoDdg

Item the second – The new Nintendo DSi XL will be out very soon! I’ve been looking forward to this new system, with its larger screen and a few other keen features you can read about all over the Web. It’s also looking like the homebrew community will be very happy with this DS, since hack videos are already popping up on YouTube. I’m disappointed that the only launch colours are wine and bronze (I suppose appealing to the target older demographic), but that’s what skins are for. I’ll have my teal Hylian DS yet, even if I have to skin it myself!

Item the third: There is no item the third. I just wanted to see if you all were paying attention.

And that’ll do it for me for another week. It’s time for me to boot up the PS3 and get my kill on!

…hooboy!  Look at the time!  Sorry, lads and lasses.  There will not be a full “Office” install this week.  Partly because I’m in the process of backing everything up so I can do a full install of Windows 7 on my lappy (See what I did there?  Tied it all together with cleverity!).

I also had another project come up that needed done ASAP.  And in another clever, M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist, I can use this moment to shill that project to all you fellow Spwugnerians in this space:

I’m currently working for my film friends at Darkstone Entertainment writing episode blurbs for director John Johnson’s new Choose-Your-Own Adventure web series called “Spade”.  Episodes air every other Thursday, with the first episode airing two weeks ago.

That means the second episode is online now!  At the end of each episode, viewers are given a choice as to how they want the plot and/or characters to proceed.  All they have to do is make with the clicky on the choices that are presented.  Then, two weeks later, the option that won the most votes will appear as the next episode.

I give you your first taste with episode 1:

And here’s the newest episode!  Vote and choose what you would like to see happen next!

See you next week with a regular installment!

Did you ever feel it’s time to ramp up the intellectual content of this writer’s articles?

Yeah, me neither.

But there’s no denying that sometimes, sometimes, when you’re not otherwise paying attention, something involving thinky-meats will come up and smack you over the head, and you’ll say, “This is COOL!” Then you’ll look around quickly, afraid your middle-school science teacher is gloating somewhere nearby.

I’m pretty sure Mr. Jasper* is nowhere around, so I think it’s safe to share this article with you, if I hurry.

An archelogical dig in Turkey has recently turned up the oldest-known human-made structures–predating even the Great Pyramid by about 7,000 years.

This find appears to be raising new questions more quickly than it answers existing ones. Guesses can and are being made at the structures’ purpose, but so many ideas are being tossed back and forth, I couldn’t do that article justice here without just pasting the whole darn thing. And since I didn’t WRITE the whole darn thing, I won’t paste the whole darn thing. Instead, follow the link above to read the whole darn thing, and sit back as your perception of human history rewrites itself!

I’m almost as excited at this amazing find as I am about Christmas, birthdays, and the upcoming Zelda game. There’s no hope for me to ever become a normal person, is there?

*Middle-school science teacher identity invented to protect the guilty….Namely, me. I probably shouldn’t have slept through those archeology documentaries in class….**

**Oh, who am I kidding? I was such a science geek I was practically drooling during those things!

For those of you who are tired of the oversaturation of zombie flicks and feel like the current vampire trend has become vacuous and pedantic, I have encouraging news.

The werewolf film may be re-marking its territory.

Yes, I know that werewolves have already reared their heads in the forgettable, if not horrible Twilight franchise.  But that wasn’t technically a werewolf movie.  It was a movie about raping your face for two hours at ten bucks a pop.

I’m talking about honest-to-Cthulhu werewolves: ferocious creatures that serve as a metaphor for the insatiable beast that exists in all of us (except for Carl – he’s just a disappointment), but also amuse us with blood spray.  Sadly, it’s been quite some time since we were genuinely treated to a great werewolf flick.  Your tastes may vary, but most folks have to go back as far as the 80s before they can even think of one lycanthrope movie of any serious quality.  For some reason, werewolves seem to be a difficult topic to build a movie around.

But, I think there’s a moonlight at the end of the tunnel.  Universal’s new remake of The Wolf Man is definitely a pounce in the right direction.  Based on the 1941 monster film with Lon Chaney, Jr., this reimagining manages to invoke the spirit of the original classic while adding a dash of Hammer Films’ The Curse of the Werewolf.  The result is a fun and thrilling ride with a wonderful gothic atmosphere that manages to make you feel like you’re watching a new installment in the old Universal series.

I will admit right to your face that I’m a big fan of the old Universal monsters, with The Wolf Man being my favorite.  From Lon Chaney’s first foray into the fur to Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man to even the still-hilarious Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, I’ve been fascinated by the lupine creature.  So, I got quite excited when Universal first announced this remake, despite the soulpunch the studio gave me with that craptastic mess called Van Helsing a few years back.

Though the production was troubled almost from the beginning due to a change in directors, soundtrack swaps, and numerous reshoots, the solid script managed to remain enough of a stable base to give us a solid little film.  The biggest aspect of the movie that will slap you in the face (in a good way) as soon as that first reel starts spinning is the atmosphere.  Like I said above, the gothic tone being given off by the Victorian era setting sets the backdrop beautifully.  Combine that with the muted colors on display, and you almost think you’re watching the black and white classic.  This was actually one of my favorite elements of the film.

Then there’s the score.  Originally, The Wolfman was supposed to be set to a rock score.  I’m certainly glad it wasn’t, as that would have completely killed the mood set by the rest of the film.  As it is, we get yet another twitch of the baton from Mr. Danny Elfman, whose score isn’t as overwhelmingly Elfmannish as we’re used to.  But I think this is a plus in this case, as this movie really calls for something more atmospheric, which I think Elfman does well here.

As for the acting, everyone brings their A-game to the party.  Benicio Del Toro is practically channeling Lon Chaney, Jr. in his performance.  Hopkins chews every bit of scenery he’s in, but that’s always a good thing.  Hugo Weaving’s portrayal of Inspector Abberline (famous for the real life investigation of the Jack the Ripper murders) made me grin from ear to ear as he displayed his smug chutzpah to every character that got in his path.  And though her character seemed to be the weakest link in the film, even Emily Blunt was able to deliver a good performance.

I know one of the major upheavals that came about during production was the fact that Rick Baker’s marvelous make-up effects were not going to be used for the werewolf transformation sequences.  I was extremely disappointed when I heard this, as Baker is a master at this craft.  Heck, one of the reasons he asked to be a part of the film was so he could design these sequences.  Sadly, Universal decided to go with CG for the transformations instead.  I have to admit, I was not impressed when I caught glimpses of them in the trailer.  But, I was pleasantly surprised by how they looked in the final film.  With the right lighting (i.e. dark), I could hardly tell that it was CG at all.  Then there’s the best news of all – Baker’s designs for Del Toro’s final Wolf Man form were kept in unhindered.  And damn, does he look awesome!  Director Joe Johnston knew exactly how to play it, too – flashes of creature throughout the film until we get to see him full on at the end.  Johnston got it, and the viewers were rewarded.

Lastly, there’s the gruesome factor.  One of the things that the original Wolf Man loses on me with subsequent revisits is its lack of real savagery.  As a kid the Wolf Man scared the bejeezus out of me.  With his intense gaze and his rabid snarls Chaney was able to put the wiggins on a boy.  As an older geek, however, the ferocity on display is quite bland.  All Chaney ever really does is grab people while snarling, and maybe occasionally bite a dude away from the camera.  Don’t get me wrong – I still love the flick.  It transcends beyond what it loses as the viewer gets older.  It’s just that the scares aren’t scares anymore, but more like classic thrills in the vein of that kiddie roller coaster that you still enjoy riding from time to time.

Now, you want a Wolf Man movie with bite?  And not just bite – I’m talking eviscerating, lip smacking, flesh-tearing bite.  This film has got it.  Talbot’s beast does his fair share of all of the above, and then some.  And I love it.  There were some pretty gruesome kills in this flick, and I cackled with glee at every one of them.

Now, is this a perfect film?  No.  It definitely has some flaws.  The character development between Talbot and Gwen is kind of weak and feels rushed.  The plot stumbles a couple of times as well.  Talbot’s trip to the asylum in London felt more like a sidetrack to the main story, but at the same time it set up one of my favorite sequences in the film.  I mean, who doesn’t want to see the Wolf Man rooftop-hopping in the light of the full moon in Victorian-Age London?

Despite these flaws, the movie pulls you in and along for the ride.  Like Avatar, you find yourself living and breathing in the environment while getting wrapped up in the events as they unfold on one Lawrence Talbot.  I found myself enjoying it so much, I’m planning on going back to the theater to see it again.

I know that Universal is planning on resurrecting the rest of their creature pantheon as well.  If this movie is a sign of things to come, we may be finding ourselves emerging into a new era of Universal Monsters.

Van Helsing be damned.

The Don was drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s.  His hair was perfect.

Greetings, Ko-Dan Armada!

You may remember that last fall I brought you my picks for the fall television shows worth watching in the 2009-2010 season.

It’s not over yet.

U.S. networks like to do this little thing called “mid-season replacements”.  For the broadcast networks, this usually means they replace a show that’s been performing weakly in the fall in January with another show that’s been sitting in their coffers with the hopes that it will do better ratings-wise.  This is not only a big middle finger to the show being replaced, but is kind of a back-handed middle finger to the show doing the replacing, as the replacement show was considered not good enough to start in the fall season in the first place.

Cable networks, on the other hand, view mid-season shows a little differently.  Cable, in their efforts to compete with the “big dogs”, like to schedule many of their shows to start in the spring or summer and end in the fall or winter.  This is so they can pull in all the viewers that would most likely be watching repeats on the major networks.

What this causes is a kind of television symbiosis.  Everyone benefits, no one gets screwed over (except Conan).

I just happen to have two more picks for this television season, one from each category:

“Chuck”

What else can I say about this show?  I think I made my point clear last spring when I went out and bought a five dollar foot long at Subway in order to help keep this show on the air.  Turns out NBC let us believe that the ploy worked, and “Chuck” was renewed for a third season.  Unfortunately, NBC pulled a Monkey’s Paw on the fans and decided not to air it until March.

The television gods must also like five dollar foot longs, because suddenly – like an astromech droid suddenly popping off with a bad motivator – NBC suddenly decided a couple months ago to jettison a couple of their shows that they deemed to expensive or weak ratings-wise.  This paved the way for “Chuck” to have its premiere moved to January.  And there was much rejoicing (yaaaaaaay).

And so far, the show has continued to deliver.  With the main character’s abilities cranked up a notch, the show has also upped the ante character and plot wise.  Add to that some surprisingly impressive guests stars, and “Chuck” continues to be a solid, fun show to watch.

“Burn Notice”

I’ve written about this show before, as well.  When I did my first “Autumn” article last fall, one of the comments I received was that I forgot to include this show.  Not at all.  I just had to wait to include it since it is technically a mid-season series.

And what a series it is.  I managed to catch a random episode of this last year and I was hooked.  I was already about two and a half seasons behind, so I had a lot of catch-up to play.  I ended up marathonning the sucker.  Worth every hour of therapy.

This show continues to exhibit some really tight writing combined with a stellar main cast.  Everyone is simply a pleasure to watch do their thing.  Finding myself literally on the edge of my seat during every episode, “Burn Notice” has the perfect amount of tension, suspense, humor, and drama.  And I can’t mention this enough: it has Bruce Campbell.

With the way the current television climate is… okay, I’m sorry.  There’s just no way I can end this article that will be able to measure up to mentioning the Almighty Chin himself.  It’s impossible.  I just can’t do it.

So instead, I will let the man himself take us out:

The Don has… no.  No.  I just can’t do it.  Bruce Campbell!

Greetings, Fire Gang!

This past weekend I once again had the honor of guesting at Marscon with my 2wcOnline cohort Danny Valentini.  It was a laid back, relaxing affair, just as it is every year.  Our obligations are usually light – do a couple of panels, spend the rest of the day wandering about and enjoying the sights, as well as spend time with friends.  And fortunately for me, my body realized that it was not without sin, therefore it did not cast the first (kidney) stone at me.  Without that little meddler, it was quite an enjoyable weekend.

It’s at this point that it occurs to me that some of you may be wondering which Marscon I attended, as there are two (that I know of) in the Oosa – one is in Bloomington, Minnesota while the other is in Williamsburg, Virginia.  So, to help everyone tell which one is which, I have constructed this handy-dandy notebook reference tool:

Marscon MN: Situated in a region that knows its summer from its winter.

Marscon VA: Situated in a region that gets confused as to what day of the year it is, let alone what the weather is.

Marscon MN: Home state is known as the “Land of 10,000 Lakes”.

Marscon VA: Home state is known to consume large quantities of “Land O’Lakes” butter.

Marscon MN: Has had an impressive array of television actors since its inception, from shows like “Doctor Who”, “Star Trek”, and “Farscape”.

Marscon VA: Has a nice variety of guests, but they’ve been crazy enough to have us for the past few years.  I think we cancel each other out.

Marscon MN: Their web site has this pair of evil eyes watching you from the top of the page and this cool fadey thingey they have going on when you scroll up or down.  Best experienced with a bowl of Spaghettios.

Marscon VA: They keep their web site simple and elegant, with sparklies all over the place in the top page banner.  It goes better with a bowl of Beefaroni.

Marscon MN: Takes place in March, which is notable because that’s when my birthday is.

Marscon VA: Takes place in January, which is notable because that’s when my birthday is not.

Marscon MN: Offers “Progress Reports” on the site that allows potential visitors to see what’s in the planning stages.

Marscon VA: Doesn’t believe in the current grading system and allows its con-goers to progress at their own pace.

Marscon MN: Has Rob Balder as a guest.

Marscon VA: Has Rob Balder as a… guest…  Hey, waitaminute…

Marscon MN: Is held at a Holiday Inn.

Marscon VA: Is held at a Holiday Outt.

Marscon MN: Suffers from Dementia.

Marscon VA: Suffers from relaxation.

Marscon MN: Was founded in 1999, when everyone was partying like the Prince song.

Marscon VA: Was founded in 1990, three years before everyone was partying to a song.

So, as you can see, there are distinct differences (Curse you, Rob Balder, for messing up my stats!) between the two.  I’ve never actually been to the one in Minnesota, but I would love to check it out some day.  I’m sure that I’d be welcome with open arms.

Until they stumble upon this article.

The Don wants to make an evening of it on Mars.  He’s bringing his sandwich Linda.

Ah, fandom. It’s always fun to write on a touchy subject. No matter what I say about a topic as popular as Zelda, someone’s gonna get their jerkin in a twist. So I’ll just be upfront with my opinions (which are not at all the same thing as facts) and say this:

I think the only studio that could produce a good Zelda movie is The Jim Henson Company.

Peter Jackson who? Spielberg jiggawha?

OOOOOOoooooOOOOooohh, snap. Did I open a can of worms there? Let me present my essay which argues my point. I call it “Why Zelda Is Awesome and Why Jim Henson Is Awesome and Why They Should Work Together Like My Teacher Says We’re Supposed To.” I got an A+ and a gold star for it!

When I first wrote it. Just now. Look, I’ve gotta use all these star stickers for SOMETHING….

By sheer coincidence, the works of the late-and-great Jim Henson have been popping up almost daily in my life the past few weeks. It started with the release of Labyrinth on Blu-Ray, followed by the BluR release of The Dark Crystal, further followed by finding an uncut version of A Muppet Family Christmas online, and finally followed by discovering the original seasons of The Muppet Show on Netflix. I’ve been put back in touch with my childhood in ways I haven’t experienced in years, and I’m lovin’ (the heck out of) it! (Suck it, McD’s.)

However, it was The Dark Crystal–a beautiful, somber, mature, yet amusing movie–that really set my mental wheels in motion. Until this year, I’d never seen it all at once, or even all the way through. And, as I watched the elflike Gelflings, the divided sacred object that needed to be reunited, and the fantastic monsters that managed to be both intimidating and caricaturish at the same time, certain thoughts kept bouncing through my head: “I’m watching a Zelda movie. I’m watching THE Zelda movie. Miyamoto surely viewed this right before he pitched The Legend of Zelda to Nintendo.”

Now, I know I’m hardly the only one to point out similarities between these two beautiful works. And if you really wanna get technical, everything that happens in 1982’s The Dark Crystal and 1986’s The Legend of Zelda has already been done in many fantastic stories over the years. But these two entities, taken as two wholes and placed side by side, make two quite complementary packages. I just can’t imagine a Zelda movie being done better by anyone other than The Jim Henson Company.

Oh, sure, for years I’ve heard statements from giggling fangirls like, “Orlando Bloom needs to play Link in a Zelda movie because he was Legolas!” And…NO. Just, seriously, NO. Not only does Bloom look far too old to play a teenage Hylian (and I’d say he doesn’t look like Link at all, regardless of age), wearing elf ears and a blonde wig doesn’t make you the iconic Legendary Hero of Hyrule any more than a crown and scepter make you the Queen of England. We’re talking about a much-loved video game series that’s been around for over twenty years, and a hero that still makes us cheer and/or swoon in his various (re)incarnations. Link was my first idol when I was twelve in 1992, and at the tender age of thirty, I’m still no less enamoured of the Legendary Hero’s epic quests. And I’m just ONE diehard fan.

Yeah, to cast for live-action roles of characters like Link, Zelda, and even Ganon is a thankless task, almost certainly doomed to failure. Have you ever seen a fan-produced, live-action Zelda video? If yes, then you probably know the sense of disappointment that the cast didn’t fit your personal image of what the Zelda characters should look and sound like, and you probably felt that rush of relief that it was only a fan production and not an official film. I know I felt all that most recently in 2009, when that awful fan-movie The Hero of Time came out, featuring lousy acting and costumes that I’ve seen topped by first-year cosplayers. And yes, I had a huge sigh of relief when Nintendo put the smack down on the movie’s makers.

(I’d like to deviate here, and say I had no interest in ever watching it after seeing the bad, bad, BAD trailer. However, I wouldn’t have had a problem with the fan-film, and I would have even supported fans showing their love in such a way….Except, the makers stated it was “not for profit” and then proceeded to sell tickets to screening events, while planning to sell DVD’s and other merchandise. They said it was “to recoup expenses.” But the thing about “not for profit” is that you DON’T try to recoup expenses. You make a product with the resources you have, and then you make that product available without ever seeing a dime go to you, for ANY reason. And you’d better make doubly sure you’re doing that if you’re not even using your own intellectual property to start with. Yeah, with little legal breaches like that, I’m not surprised Nintendo shut them down.)

Thing is, I don’t see a live-action Zelda movie ever really working on a wide scale, largely for the above reason that people generally aren’t going to be satisfied with whoever is cast. At least with animation or puppetry/Muppetry, the characters still retain an abstract quality–you SEE them on the screen, yes, but the fine physical details of how they should look are still left to your imagination. It’s harder to let your imagination speak when Orlando Bloom’s or whoever’s every wrinkle and freckle is staring you in the face. Animated characters and puppets have the double advantage of being viewable, but not forcing one set visage into your mind–only the most detailed CG characters currently seem to run that risk. All in all, when live-action actors aren’t involved, you’re likely to be more lenient on the character designs (while mainly harping on about the voice actors, I’d imagine).

Another problem I have with a live-action film in relation to Zelda is that such a movie is highly likely to take itself too seriously. A LOT of fans have said that a Zelda movie should be done by Peter Jackson, using the same settings, special effects, and style of writing as was found in the Lord of the Rings movies. I agree that a Peter Jackson Zelda movie done like that would be very pretty, but it wouldn’t really feel like a Zelda movie. Think about it. The characters, enemies, and even locations and items in the Zelda games tend to have a cartoonish look that extends across every game from the original to Twilight Princess and beyond. When you play a Zelda game, you get the feeling that it’s never really taking itself entirely seriously (after all, Shigeru Miyamoto didn’t want his games to ever stop feeling fun). The Lord of the Rings movies, on the other hand, give the impression that they’re taking themselves VERY seriously, even when something funny happens. I totally understand why; it’s freakin’ Tolkien. If you don’t honour his works with the proper degree of respect and solemnity, the fans will have your head in chunks.

But making Zelda a “Hobbit Lite” movie just wouldn’t work. You need character designs and actions that don’t take anything too seriously. You need everything in the movie to be a kind of caricature of itself. You need to give the impression that, no matter how dark things become when Ganon conquers Hyrule or X-character meets a tragic end, the audience as a whole still feels a childlike wonder that takes us back to our first Zelda game. We need to feel we’re IN Hyrule, and the way to do that is by staying true to the vibrant visual nature of the fantasy land we’ve all come to know so well for the past two decades.

That’s where The Jim Henson Company steps in, with their imaginative designs, bright colours, boisterous acting, and puppets that move in ways which are truer to human nature than most humans are usually comfortable displaying. For example, you’ve seen dancing in Zelda games? Ever think how ridiculous some of those moves would look in live-action? But if performed by Muppets, those same moves would look natural and entertaining. Monsters roaring, animals skittering, Hylian heroes dodging fireballs–all those movements in the games, even the motion-captured ones, are done with a subtle exaggeration (oxymoron, much?) that would look strange or over-acted in live-action, but would seem perfectly normal with Muppets.

Time to put up or shut up, right? Well, okay, then, I’ll do both (mostly). I’ll let the following pictures speak their thousand words apiece. Look at some of the official art from the original The Legend of Zelda.

Now go look at some screenshots from The Dark Crystal over at Blu-Ray.com (then come back here for an interesting little video). If you didn’t know what you were seeing, and someone told you they were screengrabs from a Zelda movie, would you (Gelfling faces aside) really find it all that difficult to believe?

And if you want to see where Miyamoto seems to have gotten the idea for Peahats (pure speculation on my part, but Miyamoto loves to include things from his fandoms in his games), watch this segment from The Dark Crystal. Skip ahead to 1:37 to see what I mean.

Thus concludes my A+ gold-star essay. Now I have to go, so I’ll just see ya next time….Miss Trunchbull sez I got after-school detention. Again. Who knew it was against the rules to put cherry bombs in the toilets? No one ever tells me anything. :/

(Zelda, “Reading Rainbow”, AND Matilda? Yeah, no further need to prove I was an 80s kid, is there….)

It’s that time again! And seeing as all my previous notes for Spwug articles, webcomic reviews, and other whatnot are still inaccessible to me (and no, we can’t just transfer them to this computer right now, for reasons), you get a new batch this week…of filler!

Entirely by coincidence, I’ve seen more of Adam Baldwin in one weekend than I’ve seen over the past year, via Firefly and the season premiere of Chuck. I’ma gonna ramble about the first of those two shows—yes, I really did go this long without seeing Firefly and its movie, Serenity. This article is really an Opinion After the Fact and not much of a review at all, since there’s probably no need for me to go into character descriptions and plot for a show that you’ve likely already seen, or at least heard about, and you’ve probably already made up your mind on its merits.

What was my verdict, after watching the Joss Whedon work that was repeatedly urinated upon by FOX (c’mon, is anyone REALLY surprised that a network now hiring Sarah Palin screwed up?), resurrected by the fans, then killed again? Well, I had a blast watching it. I can see why it’s so loved. The character dialogue and interactions were brilliant for the most part. When you watch the show, you stick around because the scenes are so wonderfully written. Great jokes, deep insights, usually realistic reactions to dangerous situations…the characters really are people and not just characters, and that’s what make the show truly live. My better half and I did spend the series playing the “Hey! I saw that part in Cowboy Bebop/Outlaw Star” game, although of course it could be said that those two shows in turn lifted some of their own moments from previous works, and so on down the line. (The “game” is not a complaint, by the way. It was fun.)

At the same time, though, I can see why it got cancelled (twice). What didn’t I like?

There were times when people behaved slightly against their grain so as to not to move the plot along too quickly, which would occasionally bring things into cliché territory. This usually happened via Malcolm Reynolds not living up to the “shoot first” attitude that made him such an interesting character in the first episodes.* Naturally, the Bad Guy that Mal didn’t kill would then come back to haunt the ship’s crew, only to end up getting killed by Mal after all, roll credits. Not terribly original. Meanwhile, this being a Joss Whedon creation, you of course had the required “main character dies a stupid death for absolutely no good reason” in Serenity. (HARPOON!) Maybe it would have made more sense and had more impact if we’d had seasons and seasons of episodes and character development leading up to it, instead of a single random act?

* Some of the villains Mal “killed” were supposed to come back later in the series. But since the series HAD no “later”, this little point becomes moot.

In other issues I had, the worlds visited were all largely identical, being mostly either barren dustballs or barren ice worlds due to lack of budget—on the flip side, the inside of the ship Serenity was so detailed that it really was, as a DVD extra calls it, the tenth character. Then there’s River Tam, the very annoying know-it-all character whose mental imbalance shouldn’t be an excuse for her behaviour–and really, The Mysterious Girl Is Always the Key to Everything has already been done in nearly every sci-fi creation known to man. And of course, the “united government that rules everything on all worlds is evil and corrupt” recurring theme is another standard sci-fi cliché. It didn’t seem to fit in so well with the episodic unrelated criminal capers the main cast got up to regularly.

And I think that was the show’s Achilles heel. All the brilliant dialogue in the world can’t save you from a story that’s been done many times before and doesn’t give any indication of being done in a unique manner this time. I really believe that, if the show had lasted, it would have been a FUN ride and more than worth the price of admission. But at the end, it likely wouldn’t have been the space dramedy roller coaster to end all space dramedy roller coasters. The show deservedly has a lot of rabid fans. But I also think that intense love for many is bolstered by the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” sentiment as only the word “CANCELLED” can bring.

I still think anyone who likes a good sci-fi show should watch Firefly, because it was very good. Yeah, I just wrote a list of complaints up there, but for the most part, they’re pretty minor. Besides, that’s what I DO. I warn you what to expect. The show is awesome. But if you haven’t seen it, don’t go in expecting any surprises. Expect fun dialogue, fun Western-style shootouts, fun criminal capers, crossdressing, fancy guns, toy dinosaurs, and, if you’re just the shallow type, eye-candy in the form of naked Mal (according to many fangirls) or the lovely Companions (according to many fanboys)…just don’t call them whores. (The Companions, that is. Although I’m sure Mal would take some offense to the term himself, despite using it on his own Companion comrade/not-so-seekrit love interest regularly.)

Yep, if you’re like me and you never get around to watching something unless everyone you know is still raving about it years later, the Firefly series is an excellent one to add to your Netflix queue. But don’t take my (many) words for it. How about some YouTube examples of the previously-mentioned great spoken lines?

A Powerful Ugly Creature – posted by gouhibiki

“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” – posted by foxabulous

“What’d y’all order a dead guy for?” – posted by gouhibiki

Join us next time, when I’ll probably have yet another random article whilst waiting for the new computer’s parts to arrive!

Greetings, Noghri!!

I hope everyone had a great holiday and is having a wonderful New Year so far.  Let’s not forget that 2010 marks “The Year We Make Contact”.  Not sure what we’ll be contacting, but let’s hope it doesn’t involve turning Jupiter into a sun.

Now that the holidays are over it’s back to the old grind, which means I have returned to deliver my first “Office” of the new year!  Oddly enough, it’s a run-down of some of the cooler, geekier things I got for Christmas.

So as to avoid the funny stares, let’s just get started, shall we?

I actually made out pretty darn well this Christmas, but here are the highlights of my spoils that fit in more with the spirit of Spwug (make with the clicky to make biggy):

About a week before Christmas even arrived, I managed to order the latest re-offering from mattycollector.com – Skeletor.  Made from new molds and fully articulated, Mattel has been offering He-Man action figures based on the classic designs for over a year.  I wasn’t able to get these two when they were first offered in 2008, but I managed to snag them both over the past two months when they were re-offered.  The sculpts are incredible and each figure is based on a combination of the original cartoon design and the original figure design.  They’re a little pricey (about twenty bucks), so they’re only for the serious collector.  They usually offer one or two figures a month, but they sell out quickly.  This month they are offering a figure of a character that never saw plastic – Princess Adora.  You can bet I’ll be snatching up that one.

Another awesome offering from Mattel, these guys are based on the movie versions – not the cartoon counterparts.  I’ve been ordering them for the past couple of months.  The latest figure – Winston – came the same day as my Skeletor.  I almost have the entire team; only Venkman remains.  Bill Murray was the last of the original cast to sign off on his likeness, which is why his is the last of the four to be produced.  He should be available in February.  I can’t wait.  Now I just need to find my Real Ghostbusters figures and have a crazy crossover…

This game is so much fun to play, and I haven’t even started a new game on it yet.  Let me explain: when you first load up the game, it puts you in a practice area where you can just mess around.  For those not in the know, mess around means you can create almost any object by writing the word on the stylus screen based on a word database consisting of tens of thousands of words.  The object of the game is to create objects to solve puzzles.  I haven’t gotten to that part of the game yet, as I am too busy in the practice area creating God and then pitting Him against other people and creatures to see who would win.  So far, God wins every time… except against vampires.   They always manage to turn him.  Weird.  Still, I’m having so much fun with this game that I’m hoping to actually play it soon.

This.  For those of you that have read my Christmas articles, there is one particular memory that makes it Christmas for me over anything else – Mario.  Ever since I got that NES all those years ago, it seemed like every Christmas brought another adventure for the plumber boys to embark on.  No matter what console it was for, it just seemed like Super Mario Bros. and Christmas went hand in hand.  But for the past several years, things have been different.  Nintendo has been sparse with their Mario titles (sparse with any good titles, for that matter).  So, the past few holidays were surprisingly quiet on the coin block front.  Then this wonderful game revealed itself when I ripped off the wrapping.  Holy crap, it’s like I’m a kid again.  This game manages to hold up pretty darn well against what has come before.  With a mixture of SMB 3, World, and the most recent release for the DS, this game is extremely fun and challenging.  Add to it the ability to play up to four players simultaneously, and you have a game that will frustrate you as much as make you squee.

This came as a surprise to me.  I didn’t even know this book existed, and I’m a huge zombie fan.  Christmas carols with the lyrics altered to be about zombies.  It’s so campy, but at the same time it is beyond awesome.  Christmas 2010 – be ready, as I’ll be singing these all over the place.

Along with the Matty Collector figures above, this has to be the coolest geek collectible of 2009 – a Back to the Future Delorean that lights up and makes ten different sound effects from the movie.  I had ordered this through my comic shop, but my wife was nice enough to buy it out from under my nose so as to make it a prezzie for me.  This thing is sweet.  Almost everything that you can think of that should light up on the car in the movie lights up here – headlights, tail lights, dashboard, time circuits, flux capacitor, and – of course – the flux bands on the outside of the car.  This thing is incredible.  Sadly, there aren’t any action figures to go with it (at least not yet).  So, in order to make sure the car had a driver, I had to improvise:

That there would be Matt Tracker from M.A.S.K.  Not the original figure, mind you, but the limited edition figure that was made as part of the most recent (non-movie) G.I. Joe line.  I figured that since his last car had gull-wing doors he was worthy enough to take a spin through time.

Hopefully the rest of you out there had a holiday that visited just as much geekdom at you as I did.  Here’s to a new year and a fresh supply of Spwug for 2010.

I leave you with some disturbing developments that occurred in our LEGO Advent Calendar just after Christmas.  Let’s just say the negotiations apparently turned hostile:

Manny Bothans died to bring The Don this information.  Poor guy.