Greetings, Shadow Warriors!

There’s an old saying where I come from, and it goes something like this:

“If you can’t come up with a Spwug article for the week, just make something up.”

How anyone in my home town even knew there would ever be a web site called Spwug some day in the future is a riddle that we may never solve (radiation spill).  Be that as it may, today it just happens to be good advice.  I’m having a frazzleweek (not to be confused with a Fraggle Rock) this week, and it’s making it tough to come up with anything substantial to offer.  So instead, I once again break out the odds and ends that I have come across over the past couple of days, plop them all into a stew pot, add some seasonings, stir, and serve it to you with some blue milk, courtesy of the charred corpse of Aunt Beru.

What?  It’s not like the Lars family was going to be drinking it anymore.  It was just sitting there on the table.

Megaman 10 is out.  Rockman continues to cry at the injustice.

For those of us still clinging to the nostalgia of our 80s roots (and who really isn’t these days?) and were feeling a little like we got repeatedly crotch-punched by the last fanboy-pleasing offering, Capcom once again gives us the retro-NES-looking goodness of Megaman 10.  While the last installment offered Proto as DLC, this time he comes ready-to-play, with Bass being the DLC character this time around.  All of the graphic and gameplay charm of 9 returns, but this time you can save yourself a cranial bruising from beating your head against the wall – Megaman 10 includes an “easy mode”.  Meanwhile, the Japanese continue to laugh at us while they exist in their superior universe.

Final Fantasy XIII also came out this week.  World buckles at the contradiction.

I stopped playing this series a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away…), sometime after X or XI or XVIC or whatever that one was with the different characters (stupid Roman numerals).  I’ve read that there have been a few changes, one of which is that the battle system is set up similar to Advent Children.  I’ve heard mixed feedback.  A few of my friends seem to enjoy it, while a few others do not.  And still a few other others are still wondering how there are thirteen of them when it’s the “Final Fantasy” (and even more when you count the spin-offs).  I still maintain that three six is the best one Square has ever done, and they will never be able to top just how well that game is.

The new Tron Legacy trailer is online.

Some of you may be a wee bit too young to remember the movie that put CG animation on the map and laid the groundwork for what Spielberg, Cameron, and Pixar are doing today in film.  Tron didn’t pull in a very large box office when it opened back in 1982, but it has since gained a cult following – enough of one that Disney finally greenlit a sequel last year.  Jumping on the viral marketing bandwagon, Disney has kept the details scarce on this new movie, but has made discovering the details rather fun and exciting.  Most recently, people around the world had the opportunity to go on hide-and-seek missions to find an individual wearing a “Flynn Lives” t-shirt in several major cities around the globe.  The reward?  Exclusive swag, and the ability to unlock an online page that featured dates and locations for a “secret” showing of the new trailer for Tron Legacy.  For those who could stand to wait a few extra days, the trailer went online for everyone this week.  And it is badass.

Speaking of movie trailers…

I’ve got two words for you: “briefcase armor”:

One of these things is not like the other…

Word has it that John Krasinski has landed the role of Captain America for the new Marvel film.  You may know him from the American version of “The Office”.  The rest of you may know him as the guy completely wrong for the part.

And that concludes this broadcast day!  I know I said before that I would be making stuff up, but I decided not to… or, at least not entirely.  One of the things I mentioned above is not at all true (or is close to the truth but not true).  Can you figure out which one?  Ooohh!  Puzzles!  I’m guessing that this one won’t be enough of a challenge to keep you busy until next Thursday, will it?

Probably not.

There’s nothing special about The Don.  He’s just an ordinary program.

So this past Friday, I was treated to a late-night showing of the new Tim Burton offering, Alice in Wonderland. I’d really been looking forward to this movie, and didn’t do any reviewing of the content beforehand, so what I got in the theatre was not at all what I walked in expecting. What did I get? Read on, my friend, read on!

I’d like to preface this with the statement that, despite how I may paint it, this is NOT a 100% bad, awful, icky film. However, I don’t think it’s worth the cost of a full-price ticket. I’ll tell you right now, wait until this flick hits the dollar theatres, or else get it off Netflix later. It’s worth seeing at least once, but you’re really not missing anything if you opt to just watch it on the small screen.

And so, let us proceed with my take on Alice in EmoWonderland.

In case you hadn’t guessed from this entry so far, the movie was awash in emo. The original books were rather dark in nature, but I don’t recall them being a wannabe-goth teen’s “moist sleep-vision.” What you get from this movie is the Mad Hatter and his tea party guests mourning the loss of the old days before the Red Queen took over their fair land and turned it into a grey, foggy, overcast, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Very little action to be had. A lot of depressed people shuffling around acting depressed because their lives are depressing, and it depresses them.

The happily-absurd dialogue that made the books so endearing was almost entirely stricken from the film, leaving the audience with nothing but the ever-present emo to cling onto. An attempt at the entertaining insanity of the original stories was made with the Mad Hatter, but it seems the film’s writers confused “constantly-changing accent” with “mental instability.” One second Johnny Depp wath thlurring hith wordth juth like thith; the next, he was breaking into a brogue that lay somewhere between Ireland and Scotland; the next-next, he was attempting to sound like a classic English gentleman. And his behaviour, ranging from childlike whimsy to nearly homicidal, combined with his creepy fixation on Alice that apparently began when he met her as a six-year-old girl, just made many of us in my group uncomfortable. The only character that really captured the story’s original spirit was the happily-macabre, cheeky Cheshire Cat, voiced by Stephen Fry, who had a chuckle-inducing obsession with the Mad Hatter’s hat, to the point of repeatedly asking to inherit it on the eve of the Hatter’s intended–and of course failed–execution. But the Cat had hardly any face time in the movie at all (and I don’t mean that his face was just invisible, either).

The scenery was, as I just mentioned, pretty much all drab, done in greys and browns, with the exception of a few garden scenes. The Red Queen’s palace was cast in deep reds and browns that still somehow managed to look muted. The only colour that wasn’t washed out was in the White Queen’s domain, where bright pink cherry blossom trees and white castle walls offered a little bit o’ fresh air, a nice break from the greyness of the rest of the environment. And with the exception of the White Queen’s realm, most of the buildings in the movie were decayed and crumbling, another nod to the whole “post-apocalyptic wasteland” theme that is so overdone in modern popular media. The Red Queen is BAD for the realm. We GET it, okay? We got it within the first five minutes of Alice’s trip down the rabbit-hole!

This is pretty much the most colour you’ll see in the setting for about 90% of the movie.

And as if to drive in the depressing point that this ain’t your grandmother’s Wonderland even further, the movie informs us that the name of the realm is actually UNDERland, and Alice just misheard it. (Being a Venture Bros. fan, I was VERY disappointed that Baron Ünderbheit didn’t show up at this point, hehe. At least he would’ve introduced some ACTION into Underland.)

The story is almost nonexistent. I’d include a spoiler warning, but there’s not enough substance to this movie’s story for it to HAVE spoilers. The adult Alice runs away from an undesirable suitor who’s just proposed and falls down the rabbit hole to the fantasy land she visited as a child. Everyone tells her she’s going to kill the Jabberwocky, she insists she’s not going to kill the Jabberwocky, but then she decides she IS going to kill the Jabberwocky after all. Then she kills the Jabberwocky and immediately goes home. The end. There are no surprises, no plot twists. Pretty much every plot point can be seen coming from the moment the relevant character is introduced. The main aim of the movie is supposed to be how Alice stops doing what others want her to do and learns to make her own choices…by doing exactly what everyone wants her to do in fighting the Jabberwocky. Yeah, I didn’t really get it either.

Also, Burton claims this film is his take on the books, not a sequel. But it’s made clear in the movie that it takes place after the books because Alice has already BEEN to W/Underland and had the adventures we know and love from the stories and various film adaptations. So, um. Dude, it’s a sequel. And giving a sequel the same name as the original usually has (the full title of the first book being Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland) rather confused me at first since I went into the film content-blind.

Now, maybe this bit is coming too little too late, but I wanted to end on a high–well, highER–note, and re-state that I didn’t flat-out hate the movie. Drabness aside, the visuals are otherwise appealing, with that twisted quality in both characters and environment that is immediately identifiable as Tim Burton’s touch. Some of the CG stands out as CG, such as horses that don’t move quite like real horses, but most of it is so well-done that the little kinks don’t matter. I may not be a huge fan of most of the guy’s movies, but I do love the special effects that get stuck into his films.

Stephen Fry makes a brilliant Cheshire Cat. Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar is just perfect, and I really wish we’d gotten to see more of him. And Christopher Lee as the voice of the Jabberwocky? Lee excels in everything he does, so I’ve no complaints here! Anne Hathaway, the White Queen, was JUST the right amount of sugary-sweet and twisted, making her one of the more interesting protagonists.

Look, I know the good points about this movie are mostly superficial, but sometimes that’s all you need. I think it’s worth seeing at least once–just not at full ticket price, a sentiment that was shared by the other ten people in my group. What story there IS is too depressing to appeal to children, but too nonexistent to appeal to adults. I think the flick was best summed up by something that happened when the eleven of us were standing outside the theatre afterwards. One of my friends remarked, “Y’know, if I was an emo wannabe-goth teenager, I’d probably think that movie was the bomb diggity or whatever.” At that moment, a group of teenagers came out of the theatre, decked out in black fishnet stockings far too tight for their chunky legs and wearing the Hot Topic version of black goth-gear (which is to say, not goth AT ALL). One was wearing a red velvet crown; another wearing a solid black miniature top hat to mimic the Mad Hatter’s, trimmed with black lace and black fake raven feathers. The group was talking rather enthusiastically about the film…well, mainly about how hot Johnny Depp was. Folks, I do believe we’ve identified the movie’s target audience.

Watch this movie as a way to kill some time and ogle some interesting graphics. And the movie did have its funny moments when it wasn’t on the verge of slitting its own wrists. I’d say, watch this one at home with a group of friends and some good food, and don’t hold back on the MST3K commentary. You’ll likely get much more out of it than you would in the theatre.

Tune in next time, when I’ll probably ruin someone else’s childhood!

P.S. Spwug’s own Donnie Sturges recommended this hi-larious link to me, and I think it’s a fine way to end this post. From College Humor: Tim Burton’s Secret Formula.

…hooboy!  Look at the time!  Sorry, lads and lasses.  There will not be a full “Office” install this week.  Partly because I’m in the process of backing everything up so I can do a full install of Windows 7 on my lappy (See what I did there?  Tied it all together with cleverity!).

I also had another project come up that needed done ASAP.  And in another clever, M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist, I can use this moment to shill that project to all you fellow Spwugnerians in this space:

I’m currently working for my film friends at Darkstone Entertainment writing episode blurbs for director John Johnson’s new Choose-Your-Own Adventure web series called “Spade”.  Episodes air every other Thursday, with the first episode airing two weeks ago.

That means the second episode is online now!  At the end of each episode, viewers are given a choice as to how they want the plot and/or characters to proceed.  All they have to do is make with the clicky on the choices that are presented.  Then, two weeks later, the option that won the most votes will appear as the next episode.

I give you your first taste with episode 1:

And here’s the newest episode!  Vote and choose what you would like to see happen next!

See you next week with a regular installment!

For those of you who are tired of the oversaturation of zombie flicks and feel like the current vampire trend has become vacuous and pedantic, I have encouraging news.

The werewolf film may be re-marking its territory.

Yes, I know that werewolves have already reared their heads in the forgettable, if not horrible Twilight franchise.  But that wasn’t technically a werewolf movie.  It was a movie about raping your face for two hours at ten bucks a pop.

I’m talking about honest-to-Cthulhu werewolves: ferocious creatures that serve as a metaphor for the insatiable beast that exists in all of us (except for Carl – he’s just a disappointment), but also amuse us with blood spray.  Sadly, it’s been quite some time since we were genuinely treated to a great werewolf flick.  Your tastes may vary, but most folks have to go back as far as the 80s before they can even think of one lycanthrope movie of any serious quality.  For some reason, werewolves seem to be a difficult topic to build a movie around.

But, I think there’s a moonlight at the end of the tunnel.  Universal’s new remake of The Wolf Man is definitely a pounce in the right direction.  Based on the 1941 monster film with Lon Chaney, Jr., this reimagining manages to invoke the spirit of the original classic while adding a dash of Hammer Films’ The Curse of the Werewolf.  The result is a fun and thrilling ride with a wonderful gothic atmosphere that manages to make you feel like you’re watching a new installment in the old Universal series.

I will admit right to your face that I’m a big fan of the old Universal monsters, with The Wolf Man being my favorite.  From Lon Chaney’s first foray into the fur to Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man to even the still-hilarious Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, I’ve been fascinated by the lupine creature.  So, I got quite excited when Universal first announced this remake, despite the soulpunch the studio gave me with that craptastic mess called Van Helsing a few years back.

Though the production was troubled almost from the beginning due to a change in directors, soundtrack swaps, and numerous reshoots, the solid script managed to remain enough of a stable base to give us a solid little film.  The biggest aspect of the movie that will slap you in the face (in a good way) as soon as that first reel starts spinning is the atmosphere.  Like I said above, the gothic tone being given off by the Victorian era setting sets the backdrop beautifully.  Combine that with the muted colors on display, and you almost think you’re watching the black and white classic.  This was actually one of my favorite elements of the film.

Then there’s the score.  Originally, The Wolfman was supposed to be set to a rock score.  I’m certainly glad it wasn’t, as that would have completely killed the mood set by the rest of the film.  As it is, we get yet another twitch of the baton from Mr. Danny Elfman, whose score isn’t as overwhelmingly Elfmannish as we’re used to.  But I think this is a plus in this case, as this movie really calls for something more atmospheric, which I think Elfman does well here.

As for the acting, everyone brings their A-game to the party.  Benicio Del Toro is practically channeling Lon Chaney, Jr. in his performance.  Hopkins chews every bit of scenery he’s in, but that’s always a good thing.  Hugo Weaving’s portrayal of Inspector Abberline (famous for the real life investigation of the Jack the Ripper murders) made me grin from ear to ear as he displayed his smug chutzpah to every character that got in his path.  And though her character seemed to be the weakest link in the film, even Emily Blunt was able to deliver a good performance.

I know one of the major upheavals that came about during production was the fact that Rick Baker’s marvelous make-up effects were not going to be used for the werewolf transformation sequences.  I was extremely disappointed when I heard this, as Baker is a master at this craft.  Heck, one of the reasons he asked to be a part of the film was so he could design these sequences.  Sadly, Universal decided to go with CG for the transformations instead.  I have to admit, I was not impressed when I caught glimpses of them in the trailer.  But, I was pleasantly surprised by how they looked in the final film.  With the right lighting (i.e. dark), I could hardly tell that it was CG at all.  Then there’s the best news of all – Baker’s designs for Del Toro’s final Wolf Man form were kept in unhindered.  And damn, does he look awesome!  Director Joe Johnston knew exactly how to play it, too – flashes of creature throughout the film until we get to see him full on at the end.  Johnston got it, and the viewers were rewarded.

Lastly, there’s the gruesome factor.  One of the things that the original Wolf Man loses on me with subsequent revisits is its lack of real savagery.  As a kid the Wolf Man scared the bejeezus out of me.  With his intense gaze and his rabid snarls Chaney was able to put the wiggins on a boy.  As an older geek, however, the ferocity on display is quite bland.  All Chaney ever really does is grab people while snarling, and maybe occasionally bite a dude away from the camera.  Don’t get me wrong – I still love the flick.  It transcends beyond what it loses as the viewer gets older.  It’s just that the scares aren’t scares anymore, but more like classic thrills in the vein of that kiddie roller coaster that you still enjoy riding from time to time.

Now, you want a Wolf Man movie with bite?  And not just bite – I’m talking eviscerating, lip smacking, flesh-tearing bite.  This film has got it.  Talbot’s beast does his fair share of all of the above, and then some.  And I love it.  There were some pretty gruesome kills in this flick, and I cackled with glee at every one of them.

Now, is this a perfect film?  No.  It definitely has some flaws.  The character development between Talbot and Gwen is kind of weak and feels rushed.  The plot stumbles a couple of times as well.  Talbot’s trip to the asylum in London felt more like a sidetrack to the main story, but at the same time it set up one of my favorite sequences in the film.  I mean, who doesn’t want to see the Wolf Man rooftop-hopping in the light of the full moon in Victorian-Age London?

Despite these flaws, the movie pulls you in and along for the ride.  Like Avatar, you find yourself living and breathing in the environment while getting wrapped up in the events as they unfold on one Lawrence Talbot.  I found myself enjoying it so much, I’m planning on going back to the theater to see it again.

I know that Universal is planning on resurrecting the rest of their creature pantheon as well.  If this movie is a sign of things to come, we may be finding ourselves emerging into a new era of Universal Monsters.

Van Helsing be damned.

The Don was drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s.  His hair was perfect.

Greetings, Station!

The other day I was listening to the Tenacious D song “Beezleboss (The Final Showdown)” from the soundtrack to Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, a movie which no one saw (as evidenced by the abysmal box office numbers).  Despite its lower-than-lackluster performance, I found the film to be a fun romp in the spirit of the rock band misadventure movies of old.  And being a fan of Tenacious D itself (comprised of Jack Black and Kyle Gass), it was only natural that I picked up the soundtrack to the film.  While it isn’t as good as their first album, “PoD” still contains plenty of little musical gems.  One of my favorites is the afore-mentioned “Beezleboss”.

The song retells a slightly altered version of the story regaled in the previous D song “Tribute” – JB and KG get involved in a “rock-off” with the Devil.  The stakes?  If The D wins, Satan must go back to Hell… and he has to pay Jack and Kyle’s rent.  If Beelzebub wins, he gets to take KG back to Hell with him to be his slave (and not the indentured servitude kind, either).

With the stakes in place, the rock-off commences.  Satan begins with an epic, dark mass of metal proportions.  Tenacious D reciprocate with a fairly inspirational effort, but to no avail.  The Devil wins and prepares to take Kyle back to his domain for eternity.

But wait!  At the last minute, Jables intervenes, causing the Beezleboss to break off a piece of his own horn.  With that piece in Black’s possession, he is able to command the Devil to go back to Hell once more until he is “complete again”.

So, I’m listening to this song and the thought occurs to me – most tales that chronicle Ol’ Scratch competing for a mortal’s soul seem to paint him in the same manner in order to sell the message that good always triumphs over evil.  He’s almost always painted as an honor-bound entity that can be easily beaten by someone with enough talent, hard work, and moxie.

Wait, what?  Hold on a minute.  This is the same guy who had the molten stones to challenge The Big Man.  Sure, he lost and was cast out of St. Peter’s jurisdiction, but he obviously had enough power to challenge George Burns in the first place.  You don’t make such a bold gesture unless you know for certain that you got the Mana to do so.

Plus, Lucifer is also a master of deception.  He managed to fool the first man and woman with fruit.  The guy’s got some serious ad executive powers going on if he can sell a couple of nudists on foliage sweets.  Come to think of it, this isn’t all that different from the supernatural ability Steve Jobs has to convince people to buy things like iPads.

Wait… Steve Jobs… Apple…

Mind = blown.  Where was I again?

Oh yeah… So, The Dark Lord is obviously a master manipulator.  There’s a reason why he is called The Master of Lies – the guy uses words to confuse, deceive, delude, dupe, fool, gull, hoax, hoodwink, kid, snow, take in, trick, intrigue, machinate, plot, scheme, arrange, contrive, devise, finesse, mastermind, cheat, chisel, defraud, fleece, gyp, hustle, and swindle (thanks, Merriam-Webster!).  He’s always in it for his own ends and he does whatever is necessary to get what he wants.

This means that there is no way in Hell (pun intended) anyone like Charlie Daniels or Ralph Macchio could ever hope to defeat him in a one-on-one.  It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much spirit you poured into your efforts.  The Devil can say whatever he wants.  He could play two plunky chords off- key while you play Vivaldi backwards with your butt cheeks.  He’ll declare himself the winner no matter what.  It’s what he does.  Say goodbye to your soul, Karate Kid, because no amount of Crane Kicks or Drum Techniques or Lipton Brisk Iced Tea will save you from spending an eternity waxing on and waxing off The Prince of Evil.

Now, I’ll give “Beezleboss” some credit.  Despite the fact that the Source of All Evil adheres to a “demon code”, the song (as well as the final scene of the movie, which is where the song comes from) does finally illustrate that The D had no chance of winning a rock-off against The Dark One.  Even the “Real Ghostbusters” episode “Night Game” had a better understanding of how things should work when you compete against dark forces.  Granted, Winston was playing baseball against your more run-of-the-mill demons, but the ump still recognized that evil was free to cheat and play as dirty as it wanted (well, at least as dirty as a Saturday morning cartoon can get).  Of course, in the end good still won, despite the fact that the evil demons cheated the hell out of that game.

Don’t get me wrong.  I completely understand the intention behind the way these stories are told.  Triumph of the human spirit against the forces of evil and the belief that we are inherently good enough to conquer our own (metaphorical) inner demons is a popular trope that’s never going away.  As a society we need to be able to watch movies and television shows, listen to music, and read books and comics that remind us no matter what dark paths we go down or what nefarious entities we meet, we still have a chance and the power within us to punch old Beelz in the front-flow and scream “Adrian!” in triumph.

It’s just that every once in awhile I would like to see Mephisto with his Adamantium cup on.

The Don went down to Georgia.  Her mother didn’t approve.

Ah, fandom. It’s always fun to write on a touchy subject. No matter what I say about a topic as popular as Zelda, someone’s gonna get their jerkin in a twist. So I’ll just be upfront with my opinions (which are not at all the same thing as facts) and say this:

I think the only studio that could produce a good Zelda movie is The Jim Henson Company.

Peter Jackson who? Spielberg jiggawha?

OOOOOOoooooOOOOooohh, snap. Did I open a can of worms there? Let me present my essay which argues my point. I call it “Why Zelda Is Awesome and Why Jim Henson Is Awesome and Why They Should Work Together Like My Teacher Says We’re Supposed To.” I got an A+ and a gold star for it!

When I first wrote it. Just now. Look, I’ve gotta use all these star stickers for SOMETHING….

By sheer coincidence, the works of the late-and-great Jim Henson have been popping up almost daily in my life the past few weeks. It started with the release of Labyrinth on Blu-Ray, followed by the BluR release of The Dark Crystal, further followed by finding an uncut version of A Muppet Family Christmas online, and finally followed by discovering the original seasons of The Muppet Show on Netflix. I’ve been put back in touch with my childhood in ways I haven’t experienced in years, and I’m lovin’ (the heck out of) it! (Suck it, McD’s.)

However, it was The Dark Crystal–a beautiful, somber, mature, yet amusing movie–that really set my mental wheels in motion. Until this year, I’d never seen it all at once, or even all the way through. And, as I watched the elflike Gelflings, the divided sacred object that needed to be reunited, and the fantastic monsters that managed to be both intimidating and caricaturish at the same time, certain thoughts kept bouncing through my head: “I’m watching a Zelda movie. I’m watching THE Zelda movie. Miyamoto surely viewed this right before he pitched The Legend of Zelda to Nintendo.”

Now, I know I’m hardly the only one to point out similarities between these two beautiful works. And if you really wanna get technical, everything that happens in 1982’s The Dark Crystal and 1986’s The Legend of Zelda has already been done in many fantastic stories over the years. But these two entities, taken as two wholes and placed side by side, make two quite complementary packages. I just can’t imagine a Zelda movie being done better by anyone other than The Jim Henson Company.

Oh, sure, for years I’ve heard statements from giggling fangirls like, “Orlando Bloom needs to play Link in a Zelda movie because he was Legolas!” And…NO. Just, seriously, NO. Not only does Bloom look far too old to play a teenage Hylian (and I’d say he doesn’t look like Link at all, regardless of age), wearing elf ears and a blonde wig doesn’t make you the iconic Legendary Hero of Hyrule any more than a crown and scepter make you the Queen of England. We’re talking about a much-loved video game series that’s been around for over twenty years, and a hero that still makes us cheer and/or swoon in his various (re)incarnations. Link was my first idol when I was twelve in 1992, and at the tender age of thirty, I’m still no less enamoured of the Legendary Hero’s epic quests. And I’m just ONE diehard fan.

Yeah, to cast for live-action roles of characters like Link, Zelda, and even Ganon is a thankless task, almost certainly doomed to failure. Have you ever seen a fan-produced, live-action Zelda video? If yes, then you probably know the sense of disappointment that the cast didn’t fit your personal image of what the Zelda characters should look and sound like, and you probably felt that rush of relief that it was only a fan production and not an official film. I know I felt all that most recently in 2009, when that awful fan-movie The Hero of Time came out, featuring lousy acting and costumes that I’ve seen topped by first-year cosplayers. And yes, I had a huge sigh of relief when Nintendo put the smack down on the movie’s makers.

(I’d like to deviate here, and say I had no interest in ever watching it after seeing the bad, bad, BAD trailer. However, I wouldn’t have had a problem with the fan-film, and I would have even supported fans showing their love in such a way….Except, the makers stated it was “not for profit” and then proceeded to sell tickets to screening events, while planning to sell DVD’s and other merchandise. They said it was “to recoup expenses.” But the thing about “not for profit” is that you DON’T try to recoup expenses. You make a product with the resources you have, and then you make that product available without ever seeing a dime go to you, for ANY reason. And you’d better make doubly sure you’re doing that if you’re not even using your own intellectual property to start with. Yeah, with little legal breaches like that, I’m not surprised Nintendo shut them down.)

Thing is, I don’t see a live-action Zelda movie ever really working on a wide scale, largely for the above reason that people generally aren’t going to be satisfied with whoever is cast. At least with animation or puppetry/Muppetry, the characters still retain an abstract quality–you SEE them on the screen, yes, but the fine physical details of how they should look are still left to your imagination. It’s harder to let your imagination speak when Orlando Bloom’s or whoever’s every wrinkle and freckle is staring you in the face. Animated characters and puppets have the double advantage of being viewable, but not forcing one set visage into your mind–only the most detailed CG characters currently seem to run that risk. All in all, when live-action actors aren’t involved, you’re likely to be more lenient on the character designs (while mainly harping on about the voice actors, I’d imagine).

Another problem I have with a live-action film in relation to Zelda is that such a movie is highly likely to take itself too seriously. A LOT of fans have said that a Zelda movie should be done by Peter Jackson, using the same settings, special effects, and style of writing as was found in the Lord of the Rings movies. I agree that a Peter Jackson Zelda movie done like that would be very pretty, but it wouldn’t really feel like a Zelda movie. Think about it. The characters, enemies, and even locations and items in the Zelda games tend to have a cartoonish look that extends across every game from the original to Twilight Princess and beyond. When you play a Zelda game, you get the feeling that it’s never really taking itself entirely seriously (after all, Shigeru Miyamoto didn’t want his games to ever stop feeling fun). The Lord of the Rings movies, on the other hand, give the impression that they’re taking themselves VERY seriously, even when something funny happens. I totally understand why; it’s freakin’ Tolkien. If you don’t honour his works with the proper degree of respect and solemnity, the fans will have your head in chunks.

But making Zelda a “Hobbit Lite” movie just wouldn’t work. You need character designs and actions that don’t take anything too seriously. You need everything in the movie to be a kind of caricature of itself. You need to give the impression that, no matter how dark things become when Ganon conquers Hyrule or X-character meets a tragic end, the audience as a whole still feels a childlike wonder that takes us back to our first Zelda game. We need to feel we’re IN Hyrule, and the way to do that is by staying true to the vibrant visual nature of the fantasy land we’ve all come to know so well for the past two decades.

That’s where The Jim Henson Company steps in, with their imaginative designs, bright colours, boisterous acting, and puppets that move in ways which are truer to human nature than most humans are usually comfortable displaying. For example, you’ve seen dancing in Zelda games? Ever think how ridiculous some of those moves would look in live-action? But if performed by Muppets, those same moves would look natural and entertaining. Monsters roaring, animals skittering, Hylian heroes dodging fireballs–all those movements in the games, even the motion-captured ones, are done with a subtle exaggeration (oxymoron, much?) that would look strange or over-acted in live-action, but would seem perfectly normal with Muppets.

Time to put up or shut up, right? Well, okay, then, I’ll do both (mostly). I’ll let the following pictures speak their thousand words apiece. Look at some of the official art from the original The Legend of Zelda.

Now go look at some screenshots from The Dark Crystal over at Blu-Ray.com (then come back here for an interesting little video). If you didn’t know what you were seeing, and someone told you they were screengrabs from a Zelda movie, would you (Gelfling faces aside) really find it all that difficult to believe?

And if you want to see where Miyamoto seems to have gotten the idea for Peahats (pure speculation on my part, but Miyamoto loves to include things from his fandoms in his games), watch this segment from The Dark Crystal. Skip ahead to 1:37 to see what I mean.

Thus concludes my A+ gold-star essay. Now I have to go, so I’ll just see ya next time….Miss Trunchbull sez I got after-school detention. Again. Who knew it was against the rules to put cherry bombs in the toilets? No one ever tells me anything. :/

(Zelda, “Reading Rainbow”, AND Matilda? Yeah, no further need to prove I was an 80s kid, is there….)

Greetings, Na’vi!

By now, most of you have probably already seen James Cameron’s latest epic Avatar.  Krellion gave you his thoughts on the film this past December, but you may have noticed that I was noticeably quiet on the subject.

That was because until this past weekend, I had no interest in seeing the film.  Don’t get me wrong, I bore no ill will against the movie at all.  It looked amazing in the trailers and it appeared to be another megahit for the director of Aliens and Titanic.  I’m certainly an avid enthusiast of all the movies Cameron has put out so far.  But for some reason, this particular film didn’t grab me, slap me around, call me a tramp, and make we want to see it.  It just didn’t interest me.

Well, leave it to Krellion to make me an offer I couldn’t refuse. (Hey!  I’m The Don.  That’s supposed to be my job.)  After twisting my arm (by offering to pay for my ticket), we went to one of the evening 3-D showings last Saturday.

I have to admit, I was quite impressed.  But then again, I knew I would be.  That was never a point of contention for me as far as the film was concerned.  The movie was just as head-splittingly stunning visually as I had expected.  What I didn’t expect was that the lackluster, formulaic story would actually pull me in and keep me entranced for two-and-a-half hours.

A lot of that has to do with how it’s presented.  I think Cameron knew that the storyline was one we’d seen a million times before (comparisons to Dances with Wolves and Fern Gully are accurate).  So, in order to compensate, Cameron completely draws you into the story, the world, and the characters.  You almost become a living, breathing part of the narrative.  This is definitely one of those cases where the 3-D effects aren’t used simply as a gimmick; they serve to help fully immerse you into this expansive world.

Of course, you can’t mention Avatar without mentioning the visuals.  I won’t say much on them, as this is the aspect that everyone from Ohio to the Mutara Nebula is already aware of – the sights on display are nothing short of spectacular.  Cameron definitely raised the bar as far as CG effects go, as well as how creative a special effects company can get with exotic, otherworldly locales.

But, while the eye candy is indeed impressive, it’s in the visual effects where my biggest problem with the film lies.

One of the main issues I had with the movie was that despite the brief interaction at the beginning of the film and big battle at the end, the Na’vi do not interact with the humans for most of the running time of the film.  And since I knew going into it that the Na’vi side of the story was almost entirely CG, my mind kept telling me that I was pretty much just watching a CG animated flick.  Without seeing live actors against the CG characters, it made it hard for me to see just how impressive and photorealistic the Na’vi really were.  Don’t get me wrong, all of the Na’vi stuff looked incredible, but without the contrast I couldn’t resolve in my mind that fact that I was just watching a CG movie.

What this created for me was a situation where it almost felt like I was watching two different movies – the CGI animated feature about the Na’vi, and the live action film about marines and scientists trying to exploit a planet’s resources.  It got to the point that every time the story would transition from one to the other I was briefly pulled out of the film, like having cold water splashed on me.  Granted, I was able to quickly get back into the story, but that jarring sensation continued to plague me until we got to the final battle and we finally got to see the “livers” take on the “animatees”.

But man… when the marines finally engaged the Na’vi armies head-on (apply directly to the forehead!), my mind was blown.  Ask Krellion – as soon as one of the Na’vi started to engage the humans in hand-to-hand combat, I actually whispered “Finally!”  This is what I had been waiting to see ever since Cameron first started bragging about how photo real the Na’vi were.  And it was glorious.  Just a shame I had to wait until the last act to really see it in action.

Despite my (minor) issue with the movie, I really did enjoy Avatar.  In fact, despite the formulaic plot, I still find myself thinking back to these characters as their story still seems to resonate with me.  I will definitely be picking it up when it comes out on Blu later this year.  In fact, I may be compelled to go see it in the theater again before it finishes its run.

I’ll even buy my own ticket this time.

The Don sees you.

It’s that time again! And seeing as all my previous notes for Spwug articles, webcomic reviews, and other whatnot are still inaccessible to me (and no, we can’t just transfer them to this computer right now, for reasons), you get a new batch this week…of filler!

Entirely by coincidence, I’ve seen more of Adam Baldwin in one weekend than I’ve seen over the past year, via Firefly and the season premiere of Chuck. I’ma gonna ramble about the first of those two shows—yes, I really did go this long without seeing Firefly and its movie, Serenity. This article is really an Opinion After the Fact and not much of a review at all, since there’s probably no need for me to go into character descriptions and plot for a show that you’ve likely already seen, or at least heard about, and you’ve probably already made up your mind on its merits.

What was my verdict, after watching the Joss Whedon work that was repeatedly urinated upon by FOX (c’mon, is anyone REALLY surprised that a network now hiring Sarah Palin screwed up?), resurrected by the fans, then killed again? Well, I had a blast watching it. I can see why it’s so loved. The character dialogue and interactions were brilliant for the most part. When you watch the show, you stick around because the scenes are so wonderfully written. Great jokes, deep insights, usually realistic reactions to dangerous situations…the characters really are people and not just characters, and that’s what make the show truly live. My better half and I did spend the series playing the “Hey! I saw that part in Cowboy Bebop/Outlaw Star” game, although of course it could be said that those two shows in turn lifted some of their own moments from previous works, and so on down the line. (The “game” is not a complaint, by the way. It was fun.)

At the same time, though, I can see why it got cancelled (twice). What didn’t I like?

There were times when people behaved slightly against their grain so as to not to move the plot along too quickly, which would occasionally bring things into cliché territory. This usually happened via Malcolm Reynolds not living up to the “shoot first” attitude that made him such an interesting character in the first episodes.* Naturally, the Bad Guy that Mal didn’t kill would then come back to haunt the ship’s crew, only to end up getting killed by Mal after all, roll credits. Not terribly original. Meanwhile, this being a Joss Whedon creation, you of course had the required “main character dies a stupid death for absolutely no good reason” in Serenity. (HARPOON!) Maybe it would have made more sense and had more impact if we’d had seasons and seasons of episodes and character development leading up to it, instead of a single random act?

* Some of the villains Mal “killed” were supposed to come back later in the series. But since the series HAD no “later”, this little point becomes moot.

In other issues I had, the worlds visited were all largely identical, being mostly either barren dustballs or barren ice worlds due to lack of budget—on the flip side, the inside of the ship Serenity was so detailed that it really was, as a DVD extra calls it, the tenth character. Then there’s River Tam, the very annoying know-it-all character whose mental imbalance shouldn’t be an excuse for her behaviour–and really, The Mysterious Girl Is Always the Key to Everything has already been done in nearly every sci-fi creation known to man. And of course, the “united government that rules everything on all worlds is evil and corrupt” recurring theme is another standard sci-fi cliché. It didn’t seem to fit in so well with the episodic unrelated criminal capers the main cast got up to regularly.

And I think that was the show’s Achilles heel. All the brilliant dialogue in the world can’t save you from a story that’s been done many times before and doesn’t give any indication of being done in a unique manner this time. I really believe that, if the show had lasted, it would have been a FUN ride and more than worth the price of admission. But at the end, it likely wouldn’t have been the space dramedy roller coaster to end all space dramedy roller coasters. The show deservedly has a lot of rabid fans. But I also think that intense love for many is bolstered by the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” sentiment as only the word “CANCELLED” can bring.

I still think anyone who likes a good sci-fi show should watch Firefly, because it was very good. Yeah, I just wrote a list of complaints up there, but for the most part, they’re pretty minor. Besides, that’s what I DO. I warn you what to expect. The show is awesome. But if you haven’t seen it, don’t go in expecting any surprises. Expect fun dialogue, fun Western-style shootouts, fun criminal capers, crossdressing, fancy guns, toy dinosaurs, and, if you’re just the shallow type, eye-candy in the form of naked Mal (according to many fangirls) or the lovely Companions (according to many fanboys)…just don’t call them whores. (The Companions, that is. Although I’m sure Mal would take some offense to the term himself, despite using it on his own Companion comrade/not-so-seekrit love interest regularly.)

Yep, if you’re like me and you never get around to watching something unless everyone you know is still raving about it years later, the Firefly series is an excellent one to add to your Netflix queue. But don’t take my (many) words for it. How about some YouTube examples of the previously-mentioned great spoken lines?

A Powerful Ugly Creature – posted by gouhibiki

“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” – posted by foxabulous

“What’d y’all order a dead guy for?” – posted by gouhibiki

Join us next time, when I’ll probably have yet another random article whilst waiting for the new computer’s parts to arrive!

Seasons Greetings, Chipmunks and Chipettes!

As you’re reading this, it should be Christmas Eve.

Hang on…

Sorry.  I had to take a moment to laugh at the idea of anyone being around to read this on Christmas Eve.  But still, as part of the season of giving I feel it would be unfair of me if I didn’t offer up something to stick in your Spwugnerian stockings.  I’ve noticed that my last couple of holiday offerings were in the form of lists, and since old Kringle himself is a fan of checking such things twice I figured it would keep in the spirit of the season to do another as the last of my Christmas-themed articles for the year.

This time, I offer up my top five favorite Christmas songs:

5. “It’s Christmas All Over the World” – Sheena Easton

I’m a child of the 80s.  Most people know that.  Growing up, I had a HUGE crush on Sheena Easton – her voice, her Scottish accent, and her… hotness.  I will admit that I have a couple of her songs on my iPod.  So, when she did this little ditty for the film Santa Claus: The Movie, I knew I had to have it.  I really love this song.  It’s the epitome of 80s Christmas music – it’s an 80s ballad and a Christmas song all in one.

4. “Christmas Time is Here” – Vince Guaraldi

Christmas just isn’t Christmas without this timeless, holiday classic.  “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is one of my favorite Christmas specials, and both the vocal and instrumental version of this song immediately get me into the Christmas spirit.

3. “Christmas at Ground Zero” – “Weird Al” Yankovic

“Weird Al” is still one of my favorite artists to this day, and this song is still one of his best originals.  Combining yuletide festivities with nuclear Armageddon, this song manages to make me laugh every time I hear it.  This song has to be on my playlist; it just isn’t Christmas without it.

2. “Winter Wonderland” – The Eurythmics

Yeah, I know… I’m a sucker for 80s music, and that more than includes 80s Christmas music.  This is probably my favorite version of this holiday tune.  It’s just infused with so much energy.  Annie Lennox is clearly having a lot of fun, and it’s infectious.

1. “O, Holy Night” – Johnny Mathis

For me, Johnny Mathis is Christmas.  His Christmas music was a staple of our household growing up.  Every Christmas morning, my brother, sister, and I were awakened to the sounds of Johnny crooning his magical holiday tunes.  To this day, every time I hear one of his songs I feel like a kid again.  Because of how much I enjoy his entire collection, I had a hard time picking just one song to represent my number one.  In the end, I chose “O, Holy Night” simply because I think it is one of the best renditions of the song out there.  Johnny’s crescendo in the final notes of the song is just so powerful and touching, it gives me shivers.

And there you have it, folks – my last Christmas article for 2009.  I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday.  For those that don’t celebrate, have a happy Friday.  Woot to the weekend!

I leave you with one last prezzie.  Remember the LEGO Advent Calendar?  Here it is in full glory, all its secret nooks and crannies revealed (make with the clicky to see it larger):

The Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la fa-la-la la la la…

Welcome to this week’s post!

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First up, a couple movies I caught earlier this afternoon:

First was The Princess and the Frog, Disney’s latest animated feature. This film went back to Disney’s roots, using a traditional hand-drawn animation style and incorporating multiple character-sung songs. It also introduces Disney’s first African-American princess, Tiana. Overall, I think the movie was great; it was definitely following in the footsteps of their previous animated musicals, like Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast. I’m even thinking about picking up the soundtrack.

After Princess was the just-released Avatar. Being James Cameron’s first non-documentary film in twelve years (since 1997’s Titanic), there has been a major amount of hype generated which I believe it lives up to. I enjoyed it greatly. There were no parts that appeared to drag on to me. The CG was probably some of the best I’ve ever seen. The Na’vi looked so realistic that at times I was thinking that they had painted the actors blue and digitally manipulated their performances instead of them being full-CG creations. This film takes what was done for Davy Jones and his crew in Pirates of the Caribbean and raised it to a whole new level. Now since these were only humanoid alien characters, the movie easily managed to keep out of the uncanny valley, so I’m really curious about what the technology will be able to do when it comes to rendering regular human characters.

I will definitely be picking up both of these when they’re released on Blu-ray.

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I finally got around to ordering a copy of the full version of Windows 7 Professional. I hope to get it installed sometime after the holidays. Meanwhile, the RC is still going strong on both of my systems.

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We’re full-on into the holidays, and Christmas is only a week away. I’m sure some people will be doing the long-distance traveling thing to see family, and I just want to tell you to be sure to travel safely. Make sure your vehicle is good to go, especially if you’re traveling to locations where you might experience winter weather. Tires (proper pressure, good tread), make sure your windshield washer fluid is topped off, don’t let your fuel get to too low of a level, etc. Be aware of road conditions, watch out for other drivers that think they need to be wherever they’re going faster than you; there has also been reports of newer LED traffic signals getting covered up due to them not generating as much heat. Get there and come back safely.

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That’s it for this week’s post. Enjoy whatever your holiday of choice is!