Greetings, Choppers!!

The end of summer is upon us!  And with the changing of the seasonal guard, so does my summer series prepare to exit, stage right.

But, I wanted to end “The Don Remembers” with a bang.  Or at least, with a lame crazy stunt no one will notice.  So, as my final offering to you all, I will be going… live!

Well, not really.

What I will be doing is spending this installment on my couch, watching that awesome love letter to those who lived the eighties – Hot Tub Time Machine.  During the course of my film viewing, I will be doing a regular commentary – highlighting each bit of eighties nostalgia I come across and sharing my own, brief thoughts on it.  As I do so, I will also time stamp each comment, so that anyone who wishes to do so can follow along on their own.

Yeah, like that would happen.

So without further ado…  I present to you Hot Tub Time Machine…

Oh, and it’s the unrated version (more nudity for me!)…

Okay… here we go:

00:01:30  The dog’s name is Bono.  Like the lead singer of U2.  Once upon a time, he was just an Irish lead singer in a great band in the eighties.  Now…

00:02:36  John Cusack is in the house!!!  Literally, he just walked into his house.  One of the pioneers of eighties teen comedies.  This man has managed to still have a great career.  One of my all-time favorite actors.

00:04:47  Firebird Trans-Am!!!  One of the finest automobiles of the 1980s.  Introduced in the seventies by Smokey and the Bandit, the Trans-Am became an icon throughout the early to mid-eighties.  Not, my favorite, however.  That distinction would go to K.I.T.T. a year or two later.

00:05:01  Mötley Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home”!  One of the greatest ballads to come out of the eighties from a hair metal band.  I frikkin’ love this song.

00:10:43  Just realized… John Cusack always seems to play characters that get dumped.

00:12:45  Clark Duke just referenced Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining.  That movie scared the bejeezus out of me as a kid.

00:13:54  Crispin Glover!!  Marty McFly’s dad as a bellhop!  From one time travel movie to another.  Turns out, he was cast for this film for just that reason.  Well, one of the reasons.  And it appears he’s doing a variation of “Hey you, get your damn hands off her!”

00:17:15  The hot tub looks like it’s filled with Michelob, a popular beer in the eighties.

00:18:37  Ronald Reagan and George Bush Sr. masks.  Once upon a time in the eighties, that was our President and Vice, respectively.  Reaganomics!!  Remember when Patrick Swayze robbed banks wearing presidents’ masks in Point Break?

00:19:46  Ah, the ski resort.  A common backdrop in eighties comedies.  South Park did a great parody of that trope a couple of seasons ago.

00:20:12  Fluorescent colors!!!  Man, who thought that was acceptable to wear??

00:20:27  Another Crüe song – “Kick-Start My Heart”.  Crüe was king of the hair bands…

00:21:21  Enter the staple of all eighties coming-of-age comedies – the bully.  Two of them, in fact.  Usually in a position of authority, and usually full of douchebaggery.

00:21:31  Speaking of douchbags… “Hey, look – it’s the douchebag from Karate Kid III.”  What an awful film, sullying what were two great predecessors.

00:22:02  OMG – fur boots.  Run for your life.  We have finally captured and killed bigfoot, and made him into footwear.

00:22:08 Eighties overload in 3-2-1 (Contact)…

00:22:10  More bright colors!  And an eighties tune I hear playing in the background that I can’t remember the name of.  I fail.  Commentary over.

00:22:18  Acid-wash jeans.  I owned a couple of these… I’m afraid to admit.

00:22:21  Ah… those weird sunglasses that looked like open blinds…  Never had a pair.  Even I thought they looked stupid, and impractical.

00:22:29  Giant, portable phones.  Only the rich had them because the “plans” were so expensive.  The crappy spin-off That 80s Show tried to do this same gag.  It failed.

00:22:37  “I want my two dollars!”  A direct quote and homage to the aforementioned Better Off Dead, just as Cusack in onscreen.  Love it.  Great movie.  The original line comes from a paperboy who is… a tad overzealous about getting paid for his deliveries…

00:22:40  S-S-S-S, A-A-A-A, F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E, T-T-T-T, Y-Y-Y-Y… “The Safety Dance”!  Love this song.  Great eighties staple.

00:22:45  Jheri curl and smoking in public establishments.  Two tastes that go great together.  No, they don’t.

00:22:50  David Bowie does a promo bumper for MTV… “I want my MTV!”  So, do I, Jareth… So do I…

00:22:53  The Bill Cosby sweater…  The Cosby Show was actually pretty funny.  And a cigarette machine.  No carding required…

00:22:57  Too hot for the hot tub!!

00:22:59  Miami Vice – Popular cop show for its time… and a fashion trendsetter.  That’s partly where all the bright colors came from.  Thanks, Don Johnson.

00:23:03  Poison – another hair metal band from the eighties.  The debate was always which was better – them or Crüe.  I was always for Crüe.

00:23:07  Madonna on the cover of SPIN magazine… back when she was hot and I wanted her badly… In the background, a CHOOSE LIFE T-shirt, popularized by George Michael when he was in the band WHAM!  There are a lot of CAPITALIZED WORDS in this comment.

00:23:10  ALF!!!  (More capitalizations.)  I loved that show.  Was so pissed when NBC cancelled it right after a major cliffhanger.  It would not be the first or last time they did that crap.

00:23:15  Reagan again… trying to talk his way out of something…

00:23:19  Super Mario Bros.!!!!  One of the greatest arcade games of all time!  That was my joint!  Was one of the first hits to come out of the video game fallout of 1983…

00:23:20  The Cuban Missile Crisis… I think.  My history isn’t up to snuff.  I know, shame on me.

00:23:21  Cyndi Lauper.  Strange, fun, and sexy in her own way…  Love her music… and Pete Townshend during his solo days from The Who…

00:23:22  Col. Oliver North… had a shredding party… while Adam Ant sung about “Goody Two-Shoes”.

00:23:23  The old Apple II computers… everyone at school seemed to have one… but me.  I eventually got a Commodore 64.

00:23:24  Sony Walkman!  I had that exact color and model.  I’m actually glad we got out of the cassette era.

00:23:27  Nu Shooz – “I Can’t Wait”.  One of my favorite eighties songs of all time.

00:23:35  Legwarmers.  I actually never got the reason for these.

00:23:37  “Where’s the Beef?”  Classic slogan for Wendy’s.  That old lady was a hoot when she would spout that line.  She’s dead now.  (Ooh!  Too soon?)

00:23:41  Michael Jackson – before the charges, before the color change… he was just about the music.  I love “Thriller”.

00:24:10  Whew!  That was a a lot of stuff…

00:24:55  “Eddie Lives” T-shirt from Iron Maiden, Fishbone T-shirt… one of these bands I actually listened to.  And an old school tape recorder…  Ah, the stuff we would record on those things.

00:25:15  1986… I was eleven and in the sixth grade…

00:25:27  Timecop – not a bad Jean-Claude Van Damme flick.  Creative time travel ideas.

00:25:40  A mullet, a feathered hairstyle, and a hi-top fade walk into a bathroom…I wore two out of three of these.

00:26:27  Cocaine – the drug of the eighties.

00:27:20  The Terminator – James Cameron’s first admitted flick.  One of the best sci-fi/horror films out there.

00:28:03  Enter Chevy Chase.  He had a great career in the eighties… well, at first.  Luckily, this movie and the show Community have finally brought him back from obscurity.  Now, if only we could get Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy back, too.

00:31:06  AIDS.  ‘Nuff said.

00:32:48  “What You Need” by INXS.  I used to think it was pronounced The Ink-sez.

00:33:34  Wine coolers… the alcoholic beverage of the eighties.

00:35:49  “Modern Love” by David Bowie.  I liked some of his stuff, but really didn’t get into his music until much later.

00:36:56  Look at all the eighties cars…

00:37:04  Synthesizer!  I keep saying – we need to bring synthesizers back into music.

00:37:12  Keytar!  This goes double for the Keytar.

00:37:50  Jordans… a shoe that I never owned by a basketball star that I never watched play.

00:38:45  “Push It” by Salt n Pepa… not really my bag.

00:40:00  Denim skirts… those have actually come back.  I kind of like them on the ladies.

00:42:30  So much great music in this flick – “Obsession”, by Animotion.  Another one of my favorite songs from that decade.  I remember roller skating to that song.

00:44:03  “I Wanna Know What Love Is”, by Foreigner.  I love me some Foreigner…

00:48:48  Rocky IV, Rambo III, Red Dawn.  The testosterone in this room is overwhelming.

00:48:49  Yep.  People used to wear their polos with the collars up.  Embarrassing.

00:48:58  “Wolverines!!”

00:49:19  21 Jump Street.  I loved that show.  Aired on the fledgling Fox network and launched the career of Johnny Depp.

00:50:05  Break-up notes SUCKED.

00:51:11  More Crüe – “Keep Your Eye On the Money”.  I think Crüe is the main sponsor of this film.

00:51:23  Manimal.  Eighties show about a guy who could turn into animals.  I never liked it.  I loved Automan, about a guy created from the computer.

00:51:36  Denver vs. Cleveland.  I never watched sports as a kid.  Still don’t.  Sci-Fi/Fantasy all the way.  If it doesn’t have a plot, I’m not interested.

00:51:53  Cutting Crew – “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight”.  I’ve always been a ballad man, and this is one of my favorites.

00:52:26  Break-up poetry.  I was a hopeless romantic in high school.  I wrote a lot if this stuff.  Still have some of it somewhere.  Man, is it awful.

00:54:51  “Let me ask you something McFly.”  From William F-ing Zabka, the guy who made a short-lived career out of playing douchebags in movies like The Karate Kid and Back to School God-bless his douchebaggery ways…

00:55:13  “Bring it on, Spader.”  That would be a reference to James Spader, another actor who played creepy characters in eighties flicks.

00:58:50  “True” by Spandau Ballet plays during a scene that’s a throwback to the final scene in Sixteen Candles with Molly Ringwald – the eighties’ go-to girl for a red head sweetheart.  Man, I hate the song “True”.

01:01:55  Ugh.  Tiger striped pants.  More horrors in eighties fashion.

01:03:29  The punk rock movement and shoulder pads for women’s clothing – two things that do not go together.

01:05:10  The permed, overdone hair the chicks are sporting is outrageous… and I still like it.

01:06:48  Butchering a George Michael song… not cool…

01:06:54  But, doing a Rick Springfield song right…  Too bad the other guy with the word “spring” in his name got the better career.

01:07:22  OOH!  I spy a Back to School poster!  How meta!  And a Last American Virgin poster – the most depressing teen comedy of the eighties.

01:08:06  Another riff on Back to the Future – Nick bringing the future of music to the youth of the past… works out better for him than for Marty.

01:11:06  Crimped hair.  Wow.

01:16:45  Mikhail Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines in a movie about ballet dancers… and effort to send a message about the Cold War… in a non-manly fashion.

01:30:23  Winding down with The Talking Heads’ “Once in a Lifetime”.  Same as it ever was.

01:32:45  And… in what is a complete departure from eighties time travel flicks – the characters don’t actually just face their issues and learn a valuable lesson while coming to grips with their situation, leaving it as it is.  No, these guys ACTUALLY DO THE COOL THING AND CHANGE THE FUTURE FOR THEIR OWN BENEFIT.  Oh, and learn a lesson, too.

01:33:21  And now, we end this long commentary with a slightly altered version of the music video from Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home”.  Love this song.

And that about wraps it up for this lengthy, final installment of “The Don Remembers”.  I actually managed to stretch an hour and forty-five minute movie to a three hour writing exercise, and I prolly missed a bunch of stuff.  Still, it was a blast.  My apologies for putting you all to sleep, and I’ll meet you all back here next week with a return to form for “The Office of the Don”!  Goodnight!

The Don is on his way… he’s on his wayeee…  Bed, sweet bed…

Greetings, Soggies!!

Alright.  This is the part of the show where I remember something that almost no one has ever heard of (of course, sometimes folks surprise me).

In the mid-eighties, during the height of Indiana Jones fever, it seemed like every studio in Hollywood had to make some kind of “treasure-hunting adventurer”-style film.  Romancing the Stone.  King Solomon’s Mines.  Firewalker. Even television tried to capitalize on the success of Raiders in the early eighties with shows like Bring ‘Em Back Alive and Tales of the Gold Monkey.

Now, somewhere in the midst of all of those movies and shows that actually formed a blip on the “treasure-hunter” radar, there’s this one little gem of a turd that sneaked in under the door… so much so that to this day I am one of the few people that even knows of its existence:

Jake Speed.

The film came out in 1986.  I have no idea if it even made a theatrical release.  All I do know is that it was on heavy rotation on Showtime around that time.  And I watched the hell out of it.  Written, produced, and starring some guy named Wayne Crawford in the title role, this movie was truly a love letter to himself… that just happened to have a couple of fun sequences and a neat thirties-style roadster with machine guns to fit in with the whole “cool vehicles” theme that was also going on in the eighties.

The movie is about a woman named Margaret whose sister is kidnapped while in Paris by a bunch of white slavers.  Her grandfather, who is a huge fan of the heroes of dime store, pulp novels, suggests she recruit one of them – Jake Speed.  Balking at the idea that her grandfather would even believe that these characters are real, Margaret finds herself face to face with Jake and his partner (I don’t mean that kind) Desmond.  Turns out, these guys really go on adventures, and then write about them to pay for more adventures.  From there, the trio go after the slavers, headed up by an awesome, scenery-chewing John Hurt.

I remember stopping to catch this every time it was on.  Not particularly well done, especially compared to its better, theatrically-run brethren.  But, it had its cheesy charms.  Jake had a special shotgun he called “The Kid”.  This weapon had two special properties that all guns had in the eighties – unlimited ammo and the ability to destroy practically anything with one shot.  Then of course, there was that car.  I would grin with delight every time the side panels opened up and the machine guns came out, blazing down everyone in sight.

Now, the film had two major things going for it as far as I was concerned back then – the aforementioned John Hurt and Karen Kopins.  John Hurt is the main (and maybe the only) reason to watch this movie.  He plays the evil villain so over the top you can tell he’s just having fun cashing a paycheck.  But, he’s so much fun to watch.  Sadly, I wanted to provide a clip of Hurt having a scenery sandwich, but it looks like the movie is so bad that everyone is too embarrassed to even post a clip on You Tube.

Now, the reason why Karen Kopins was such a draw for me in regards to this movie is because I had a huge crush on her.  My long distance love affair with Miss Kopins began with a little film called Once Bitten.  In it, she played the girlfriend of Jim Carrey’s character (yes – that Jim Carrey), who was being turned into a vampire.  The cute, little bob haircut and the girl next door persona had me hooked.  And here she was in Jake Speed, playing a very similar character.

Oh and did I mention that about two-thirds of the way through the film she ends up in her underwear?  For a preteen, that’s a big deal.

Many years later, I still have a guilty-pleasure love for this flick.  The movie hasn’t come out on DVD (nor do I ever expect it to), but I did manage to get it on VHS for about five bucks several years ago in a Wal-Mart bargain bin.  It’s one of the few VHS tapes I still own despite the fact that almost all of my movie and TV collection now resides on DVD or Blu.

And as far as I’m concerned, it’s still worth every penny of that five bucks I spent.

The Don doesn’t chew scenery… he swallows it whole.

If you guessed “your friendly neighbourhood Marlink”, then applaud yourself! You just earned 500 XP!

Guys, what with San Diego Comic-Con going on last weekend, all the geeky announcements coming from said con, StarCraft II dropping this week, and the webcomic Dreamless ending yesterday (Monday, July 26th), I actually was so flooded with topics that I honestly didn’t know what to write about this week. Luckily, two tickets to a free pre-release showing of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World saved me from hours of pointless self-debate. My boyfriend has awesome connections, man. (Despite popular misconception on the blogging sites that link to me, I am, in fact, a chick. *Cheepcheep*)

Don’t worry, North American moviegoers. The film won’t be released here till August 13th, and I won’t be spoiling your experience with a plotariffic review here and now. This is just a gush post. I’m going to predict right now that this is the best movie I will see all year (sorry, Tony Stark). It is, in fact, the best movie I have seen, not just this year, but in many years. We just saw it for free, but my little household is already planning to go see it again, with pocketbooks wide open, as soon as it opens in theaters. And quite possibly see it again, and again, and again.

Okay, so, I’m a Scott Pilgrim newbie. I’d never even heard of the series until I went to see Iron Man 2 this spring, and my friends were geeking out over a poster for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. From the snatches of conversation I could decipher (I was also playing Zelda on my DS at the time, which may have affected my comprehension), Scott Pilgrim was the Best Comic Evar, and this movie was going to be the Best Movie Evar. I filed it away as “interesting; may have to check out this Scott thing” and then promptly forgot it in the wake of Tony Stark Being Awesome. Let’s face it, that’s far too easy to do. Then I continued to forget about the existence of Scott Pilgrim until yesterday, when I received a text from my significant other about those famous free tickets to the advance showing. So, yeah. That’s me, going into the movie blinder than a hundred thousand blind cave fish with severe astigmatism and broken glasses. I didn’t know what to expect.

When the movie began–began!–with the opening sound of The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (the electronic harp heard at the beginning of the below video), I knew that this Scott Pilgrim and I were going to get along just fine.

In fact, there is one character who is frequently playing The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past during the movie, and I have to admit–I didn’t hear a single word of dialogue while those sounds were playing in the background. I think I could watch that movie a hundred times–and I plan to–and I’ll never be able to tell you what’s being discussed when Zelda 3 is in the movie’s hizzouse. Talk about tunnel vision, man.

Okay, I’m trying to drag myself away from Zelda now. Really, I am. I understand that the greatest video game series of all time making a cameo isn’t enough to draw some people into the theater. Picky, picky. But all joking aside, as much as I fangasmed at the Zelda-ness, that wasn’t what made me love the movie. If there had been no Hyrulean presence whatsoever (and it was also referenced aside from the music, by the way), I would still have declared this The Best Movie I Have Seen In Years. I read up…a LOT…on the original comic series today and even got to read a little bit of the work itself. From what I can tell in my incredibly limited experience, the movie seems to hold true to the geek parody-loving, metahumour style that seems to be the comic’s standard. I can already point out places where the movie cut and squished things together a bit to make it all work in two hours, but I see that as giving me something new to look forward to when I read the full series. There are super-fast visual cuts from character to character and scene to scene near the beginning of the movie that you might find a little unsettling or confusing, but the film very quickly calms down and remembers it’s a movie, not a comic book, and that panel-to-panel behaviour doesn’t work so well in most live-action. Still, though, the movie does a terrific job of sticking with its graphic novel roots. Sound effects are written out on the screen as they happen, for example, and two people can literally throw each other around the room without taking damage. Batman would approve! You know, if he wasn’t too busy angsting over his parents being dead and all.

And, dear elder gods, but this movie is FUNNY! The theater was less than half full (very few tickets given away for this particular screening), but, frequently, the audience was laughing and cheering so loudly that the movie would be completely drowned out for a few seconds. Did I mention the movie was funny? I actually got a stitch in my side from laughing so hard, and my boyfriend seemed to be having trouble breathing at times.

Now, I went into the movie blind, but you don’t have to. (Stop reading now if you want the comic/movie to be a total blank slate for you.) Here’s a belated Wikipedia blurb on what Scott Pilgrim and his ilk are on about in the comic and movie:

The series is about 23-year-old Canadian Scott Pilgrim, a slacker, hero, and part-time bassist who is living in Toronto and plays bass guitar in the band “Sex Bob-Omb.” He falls in love with American delivery girl Ramona V. Flowers, but must defeat her seven “evil [exes]” in order to date her. (Read the rest of the article for more on the story.)

But if you think this is just a romance story, you’d better re-examine that theory. Scott Pilgrim is all about adventure, a “real-life” video game where ninja attacks are to be expected, Bollywood song-and-dance fights are considered a viable way to settle your differences, no one bats an eye at a vegan going Super-Saiyan and punching holes in the moon, people explode into coins when they’re defeated (but it’s not “real” money, being Canadian and all–I kid, I KID!), and sometimes, you find out the worst enemy you have to face to win the princess is Dark Link yourself.

If parody and metahumour and a little touch of love are your bag, baby, then you want to see this movie. If you’re not a fan of geek humour…then I don’t know what the hell you’re doing on this website. Go watch your American football games and try to convince me that it’s not gay when the guys slap their teammates’ asses. You’re only fooling yourself. Actually, because I’m all about love and peace and sharing and all that crap, I’m also going to recommend Scott Pilgrim vs. the World to you, ’cause expanding your horizons “ain’t never hurt nobody”. Trust me, you’ll enjoy the film! Here, have a little trailer to prove it:

And now, if you’ll pardon me for this week, I’ve got to go add six new comic books to my Amazon.cacom wishlist….

It isn’t very often that the stars align and a series of unfortunate events occur in tandem and in perfect sync with the Spwug article that I happen to be writing for the week.

This isn’t one of those times.

Still, it’s a pretty fortunate coincidence that the new Predators movie is opening this weekend and the original Predator came out last week on Blu and that I watched it over the weekend and I had planned on writing about the film this week as a part of my “Don Remembers” series.

Wow.  That’s a lot of ands.

But, with the ever-growing excitement I’m feeling over the possibility that a new Predator film written and produced by Robert Rodriguez might actually be good (or at the very least wash the horrible taste of A v P films out of cinegoers mouths), I felt it was only fitting that this week I remember the classic Schwarzenegger flick that started it all.

First, I will go on record and say that I think Predator is hands down the best action film on Arnold’s resume (and holy cow does it look beautiful on Blu – so clean that it looks like a recently-released film).  Don’t get me wrong – I love me some Terminator and T2, and Commando is just way too much fun – but Predator is a nice, intimate sci-fi/action flick that seems to work perfectly on every level.  You’ve got your well-cast, well-balanced team dynamic, with each character played brilliantly by his respective actor and getting a decent amount of development – so when each one dies, you don’t just shrug it off.  Each death carries weight.  You’ve got your humorous one-liners.  You’ve got your straight-up, military mission plot line that about half-way through gets a serious injection of sci-fi/slasher juice in the form of a bad-ass alien who has no qualms with how messy he makes his kills.  That leads me to the fact that film is also loaded up with a decent amount of gore.  Top that all off with the requisite staple of a Schwarzenegger film – Arnie in a one-on-one showdown with the big bad – and you have the final product that should be on regular rotation in every household.

This film actually holds a special significance for me, as it was the very first R-rated flick I got to see in theaters.  It was summer of 1987.  I was twelve and had just finished seventh grade the month before.  One of my best friends, Jeff, and I had already been stoked to see this film for months after all the articles we had read in magazines like Starlog and Fangoria (ah, the days before the internet when all of your cool movie scoops came from sci-fi and horror magazines).  We talked about this movie constantly, in between watching episodes of Thundercats, playing D&D, and our numerous and consistent attempts to catch any glimpse of T&A that we could on MTV or in whatever flick we could catch on a pay channel.

When the film was finally released in June, Jeff got permission from his mom to stay over at my family’s house that weekend.  Convincing my dad to take us wasn’t a difficult task, as he loved a good action flick as much as anyone.  With our tickets in hand, we went into the small theater at our tiny mall in our miniscule town and took our seats – minds ablaze with excitement over what we were about to see unfold across the screen.

An hour and forty minutes later…

Holy crap!  Jeff and I exited that theater, our young minds blown by the spectacle we had just been privy to.  For the next few months, every minute of our lives was infused with Arnie-speak from the film.  Quotes were flying out of our mouths (and in most cases, away from adult ears) faster than Blaine getting eviscerated by a plasma blast.  Every time we went out to play “guns”, we were commandoes up against some alien hunter.  Even our combined G.I. Joe saw an upgrade in adversaries – from hooded used car salesmen to dreadlocked killers with mandibles and active camouflage.  We would be eating, sleeping, and breathing the awesomeness of Predator well for quite awhile…

Then the hormones kicked in, and we noticed girls.  But that’s another memory… and one probably best not shared.

The Don ain’t got time to bleed.  He’s too busy screaming like a girl from the paper cut.

Greetings, Mads!!

Those of you who grew up during the eighties may remember a little book series put out by a company called Crestwood House that focused on classic monsters from the fifties, sixties, and seventies.  These orange and black little treasures were part of the “Monster Series”, and were some of the most heavily sought-after tomes of my third grade class.

A delightful anthology series, each Monster Series book would focus on a particular movie monster type, be it Frankenstein’s Monster, Godzilla, or Mad Scientists.  And it wouldn’t just cover one iteration of the subject, either – each volume would include every classic appearance of the character, be it silent film, Universal version, Hammer version, or even sequels.  And for a deceptively thin book, each hardcover seemed to overflow with a fountain of information on the monsters we all loved as kids.

My fondest memories of this were again back in third grade.  I remember that my third grade teacher, Mrs. Hopper, was a very kind but very strict Christian woman.  As such, she didn’t like us bringing in anything that seemed evil or un-Christianlike.  So, that meant that the Crestwood House books were verboten in our class.  We could check them out, but they had to remain in our back packs or we couldn’t check them out at all.

That just made them all the more desirable to get ahold of.  We used to sneak them into the back of the room or out by the tree during recess and just go over them cover to cover.  Repeatedly.  There were only six different volumes in our library, but I must have checked each one out at least a hundred times over the course of that school year.

Then, there was the time in fourth grade that I went on a field trip with my gifted class.  The library we went to had new Crestwoods that I had never seen before!  With the new additions added to the growing series list on the back, I was mesmerized by the chance to explore new monsterscapes.  I tried repeatedly to look through them while we were in this foreign elementary library, but I was repeatedly foiled by the fact that we were there for other educational purposes.  But there was only one education I wanted at that point – I wanted to learn more about monsters.

Sadly, I never got to read those other installments.  But, those Monster series books continue to be a part of what makes me the geek I am today – especially my love of monster movies.

The Don is doing the Mash.  The Monster Mash.

Greetings, Ghost Monsters!!

The 80s were an impressive decade as far as animation was concerned.  Television viewers were literally flooded with a wealth of animated programs of all shapes and sizes.  And practically anything that was on the pop culture radar got its own cartoon, from video games to sitcoms to musicians.  If you were a hot commodity, you would soon find yourself in two-dimensional, cel-shaded glory.

Animation was becoming more prominent in movie theaters as well.  Though the 70s showed that an occasional non-Disney cartoon could dip its toe in the theatrical realm, it wasn’t until the 80s that we would see it start to become much more mainstream.  From rock prodigy on display with Heavy Metal to after school favorites getting the feature film treatment like Transformers and G.I. Joe, cartoons were starting to gain a wider audience.

Speaking of theatrical releases, there is one animated movie that still stands out and resonates with me to this day – one that I am proud to own on DVD.  It’s not one of the more well-known titles to come out of the 80s, but I think it’s one of the best.  And with the recent news of a certain famous author’s memoirs finally being available to publish this year, I think remembering this film is more than apropos – The Adventures of Mark Twain.

This film opened in January 1986 to a very limited release (seven cities, to be exact).  It was directed by Will Vinton, who was best known for being the creator of Claymation (and within that art, The California Raisins).  Using the techniques he harnessed from honing his clay-playing craft, Vinton crafted an incredible clay-animated film that chronicled the final days of Mark Twain as he rides an airship to the stars in order to go out with the same comet he came in with.  Along the way, he acquires three stowaways – Tom Sawyer, Becky Thatcher, and Huck Finn.  As they make to their way to Twain’s final destination, the ex-Clemens regales the children with stories taken from his own writings, as well as imparting lessons to the three before he leaves the world for good.

What stands out most about this putty-crafted spectacle is how mature it is for an animated feature.  With a combination of humor and dark subject matter (dark enough to be widely banned), Mark Twain presents itself honestly, showing both sides of the author’s conflicted psyche.  Through a series of vignettes framed by an overarching storyline, we get to see the humor that Twain saw in things, as well as the demons he bore witness to during his depression.  Mark Twain is a very deep film, exploring and celebrating one of America’s best authors by offering a fresh and creative manner for sharing his works, as well as offering a glimpse into his soul.

Despite the controversy the movie sports, I was fortunate enough to be able to see this in theaters.  Already in the process of learning about Twain in our sixth grade Gifted class, our instructor was able to take us on a field trip to our local theater to see this wonderful film.  How our little town was able to procure a print of the movie when it was very limited in its release, I haven’t a clue.  All I do remember is that some deal was worked out and a representative for the film actually came out as well to answer any questions we had.  I remember watching the movie afterwards and enjoying every minute of it.

It would be a long time before I would even get to see this film again, but it never fully left my mind.  The imagery and substance on display continued to resonate with me long after.  Then, in January of 2006 (just in time for its twentieth anniversary!), the movie was finally released to DVD.  I snatched it up immediately and watched it in the hopes that it still held up in comparison to what I remembered.

Sure enough, The Adventures of Mark Twain is every bit as moving and profound as I remember.  I still find myself laughing during the truly funny moments, and I still find myself deeply affected by the dark and creepy moments.  A shining tribute to a great author as well as a highlight in the art of Claymation, this movie still succeeds at resonating with me.

And now, I leave you with the truly disturbing scene that caused its ban, yet still manages to communicate an incredible wealth of intellectual depth:

The Don is but a thought.

Greetings, Mynocks!!

Starting next week and running through summer, I will be bringing you a brand new series called “The Don Remembers…”  A nostalgic series, I will be focusing on toys, movies, television, cereals, and other pop culture fixtures that have been a part of our lives for the past thirty years, adding my own anecdotes and observations to give each entry that unique flavor that you love to read from me every week.  I think it will a fun way to spend the summer, and hopefully you’ll all come indoors every so often to partake in said having of the fun.

In anticipation of this weekly summer feature, this week’s “Office” will be a sneak preview of sorts, to give you a taste of what’s to come.  And since the magic number here is thirty, what better way to kick it off then by delivering you a one-two punch to the reader-plexus with two franchises that just turned thirty this past weekend – The Empire Strikes Back and Pac-Man!

The Empire Strikes Back

Arguably the best film in the entire Star Wars saga (no matter whether you count all six installments or just the original Holy Trilogy), Empire is a prime example of how Lucas should have handled all of his films after the first one became such a surprising success – hire a better director to helm your film while you hire better writers to polish your script.  Because that’s what he did with Empire, and somehow managed to hit it pretty close to the mark to get us all riled up like that (in a good way).  What came out of that masterful stroke of good decision-making was a darker, yet fun and thrilling film that gave its predecessor a run for its money, while at the same time causing everyone to wet themselves in excitement as their jaws dropped into their collective laps.

I know that’s how my five-year-old self felt.  I remember my parents taking me to see this when it first came out.  Already a huge fan by the time I hit five, I remember the excitement as we waited in line for the next showing at our local theater.  I could hear the thrum and drum of the film as it played on to the movie-goers already held by its thrall.  My anxious anticipation building to almost unbearable levels, I tore away for a second and peeked in at what was being played on the screen.  I was greeted instantly with the sight of Luke’s X-Wing as it zoomed across the stars.  But not even that image could prepare me for what awaited my young senses when it was our turn to take our seats.

Interestingly enough, everything that makes this movie great is exactly what made this one my least favorite when I was a kid.  I remember bawling my eyes out when Han got taken away in carbonite, and I simply couldn’t wait another three years to find out of Luke and his friends could save him.  In the meantime, my actions figures made very sure that he was rescued and back on smuggler detail immediately.

It took awhile, but as my movie-going mind matured my tastes matured, and The Empire Strikes Back eventually became my favorite movie of all time, and it remains so to this day.

Pac-Man

There isn’t a soul on the face of civilized earth that doesn’t recognize this tiny, round, phasmophobe with a severe pill addiction.  Originally called “Puck Man”, this classic arcade game came out during the birth of the video game age, at a time when the big draws all involved spaceships shooting at hostile invaders of one sort or another.  Though it wasn’t initially a big hit in its country of inception (Japan), it became almost an instant success the minute it hit American shores.  After that, everyone had “Pac-Man Fever”.

Merchandise for the pizza-inspired character went into overdrive – candy, board games, cereal, plushies, t-shirts.  TV shows at the time were known to air episodes that at least mentioned the game, and in some instances would have an episode’s plot center around someone playing it incessantly.  Pac-Man’s American distributor Midway got so cocky after the game’s success that they quickly cranked out several spin-offs over the next couple of years, much to the irritation of the game’s creator – Namco.  Despite the faux pas that forced Namco and Midway to eventually part ways, Pac-Man continued to grow in popularity, eventually becoming the world-recognized pop culture phenomenon it is today.

Where I grew up, pizza places seemed to be the venues that would generally have a video game console or two before arcades became widespread, making them almost like Disneyland to my young mind.  When our local Pizza Hut got its first Pac-Man machine, I remember staring at it in wonder.  Steering a little yellow guy through mazes while trying to avoid ghosts was something that was very relevant to my interests.  Already a video game addict by the time I was five, it didn’t take much to bug my parents for quarters.  And Pac-Man was no exception.

Didn’t take long for me to realize that I was terrible at the game.  Certainly didn’t stop me from cleaning out my parents’ pockets for small, silver Washingtons.  And I would continue to waste my parents’ change on that maze navigator for quite some time… at least, until another pill-popper with a bow came along and proved to be a better and more fun game to play.  And don’t even get me started on apes throwing barrels.

So that was your first taste of what’s to come for the summer.  Starting next week, be prepared to take that proverbial trip down memory lane.  Watch out for traffic.

The Don isn’t a system, he’s a man.  Though, that’s stretching it a bit.

Greetings, Boglins!

I have to admit that I’m a wee bit off this week.  I feel a little disjointed, so to that end my thoughts are kind of a jumble.  I have ideas, but not enough to flesh them out to carry full articles on their own.

But never fear, my fellow Spwugnerians!  I can actually make this work for me.  In fact, it allows me to do the kind of articles I’ve found myself rather enjoying as of late.  So I bring you another installment of random bits that I affectionately refer to this week as “Bleeps, Sweeps, and Creeps”:

Iron Man 2

Got to see this over the weekend with DKM Marlink and a few other friends.  First, we watched the first film at my house, all the while making snide remarks about how Terrence Howard was going to be replaced later that evening when we got to the theater.  First film still holds up remarkably well.  It has to be one of my favorites, despite the weak third act.  As for the sequel?  Wow.  More of the same, and I mean that in a good way.  Downey Jr. proves once again that the talent is actually his and not from the drugs he lived in for years.  Cheadle was a great substitute for Howard in the role of James Rhodes.  Just a fun flick all over.  My only complaints were that the middle started to feel like it was plodding along (same complaint I had for The Dark Knight).  Plus, Mickey Rourke’s character kinda shows up in a blazing show-down, then takes a back seat for most of the film until the end.  Despite both flaws, the movie got back on its feet by the third act, which was a vast improvement over the first film.  Those who haven’t seen it – stay until after the end credits.  Just like Nick Fury’s spoiled surprise cameo at the end of the first Iron Man, there’s a cool little surprise at the end of this one (SPOILER ALERT: It’s Batroc the Leaper!*)

Farscape

I picked up the complete box set to the hit Sci-Fi (not SyFy) series Farscape about a month ago, and I’ve been pouring myself into it furiously.  I’m almost finished with the first season, and I’m impressed with just how well this show still holds up.  There’s definitely a reason why it was my favorite TV show during its run.  I’m falling in love with these characters all over again (I plan to ask them to marry me next week).  One of the things I like so much about the show is how much it captures the essence of what made the original Star Trek so great – a perfect mixture of straight-up action with episodes of weird crap happening to our main cast with a dash of some light sexiness.  Best feature on the DVD set so far?  Commentary by the creators and the two main cast members on an episode where they spend the entire running time explaining just why the episode is so abysmal.

Super Mario Bros. Galaxy 2

It’s almost here!  Are you ready?  Did you play the first one?  Weren’t the frikkin’ purple coin challenges hard?  How long has it been since you last played the first one?  Do you even remember whether or not you own a Wii?

Corkscrewed Over

Busch Gardens in Virginia, also known as Busch Gardens Europe, also known as The Belgians Were Bored With Just Being Known For Waffles So They Bought the Largest Brewery in America and This Park Got Thrown In For Free, also known as The Park That Had a Really Cool 3-D Ride in Ireland When Not Compared to Anything in Florida but Decided to Ditch it For a Non-3-D Borefest That Could Double as an Extended Promo for British Airways.

That’s a Reynolds Wrap!

Burt Reynolds has been cast as an ex-spy in the incredibly awesome TV series Burn Notice.  My greatest hope is that his cover name is Turd Fergeson.  And he wears a big cowboy hat.  ‘Cuz it’s funny.

Speaking of wrapping up…

The Don’s RADAR appears to be jammed.  Halle Berry.

*It’s totally not Batroc the Leaper!

Greetings, Boxcar Children!

I’m kind of taking the week off (but not really) since my birthday is this weekend.  That’s right, everyone – The Don wasn’t actually created in a test tube or grown in the forest of Pernalia.

Nope, I am 100 percent pure, old fashioned, home-grown human. Born free. Right here in the real world.

So, to celebrate being on this ball of rock and water for thirty-five revolutions around the sun, I’m going to list a couple of great geekeries that came out Anno Donini:

Jaws

One of the greatest horror films of all time, and the movie that put director Steven Spielberg on the map.  This movie’s influence was so impressive, that it literally forced an entire generation to rethink going “back into the water” (yes, I know that’s from Jaws 2, but I’m making a point).  With an impressive cast, the perfect amount of tension, and a cunning play on our fears, Jaws managed to work despite the fact that the shark quite often didn’t.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

The film that started a cult phenomenon (doot-doo doo-doo-doot!).  Already a stage show by this time, the film opened to lackluster success.  But over time, Rocky Horror became something more.  Now known as the longest-running theatrical release in history, the movie continues to be shown regularly all over the world.  It’s even spawned its own culture.  Impressive for a movie about a guy wearing fishnets.

Betamax

Ah, poor Betamax – the little videotape that couldn’t.  Sony introduced the first home video system using this technology in 1975 with a price tag of over $2000.  Sadly, this would lead to the first in many “format wars” that would occur over the next thirty-five years.  Despite a higher quality in picture and sound, Beta’s smaller capacity caused it to lose to VHS (also, the porn industry chose VHS over Beta).  But in an interesting twist, most news channels around the country that haven’t gone full digital still use Beta tapes.

Musical Notes

Alice Cooper releases his first solo album – “Welcome to My Nightmare”, a concept album that takes the listener through the nightmares of a boy named Steven.  The stage show is considered one of the biggest stage spectacles of that decade.  And Drew Struzan, most notable for his movie poster work, designs the album cover.

Iron Maiden forms.  My friend Dan Taraschke, still a toddler at the time, starts rocking out for what seems like no reason.  He would find out later in life what exactly happened, helping to form the metal man he would one day become.

Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.  Oddly, both end up doing better career-wise.  Fans of the original line-up are still butt-hurt to this day.

Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” hits number one in the charts.  Wayne’s World fans have to wait seventeen years to find out what all the hubbub is about.

The Pearly Gates

The Altair 8800 is released, introducing the first microcomputer.  Bill Gates and Paul Allen develop the programming language BASIC and start a little company that, for some reason, never went anywhere called Micro Soft.  I wonder what happened to those guys.

“Live, From New York…”

Saturday Night Live debuted in October under the name “NBC’s Saturday Night”.  Featuring a much looser format, the show featured its original “Not Ready for Prime Time Players” in comedy skits that poked fun at pop culture, politics, and pretty much everything else, as well as more musical segments, stand up, and even a segment that featured new Muppets created by Jim Henson.  The first episode was hosted by comic legend George Carlin, with first appearance by Andy Kaufman.  The show continues to this day, much to the surprise of a lot of people.

Blip…Blip…

Atari released its first console game through Sears – PONG!  My parents actually owned one of the original consoles, and at the time it was some innovative stuff.  Of course, attention spans were a lot longer back in the seventies, so a game where a white dot bounces back and forth between two white lines could entertain someone for quite a long time.  Nowadays, anything less than tons of blood, boobs and hundreds of hours of gameplay is considered a baby’s toy.

That’s all I got for this week.  Yes, I know there are probably plenty more I could have included, but these are the ones that stand out most to me.  Oh, and as an added bonus, you can now find me on movie website CHUD!  I’ve recently been taken on as one of the official CHUD Bloggers, so if you can stomach more than a dose of me a week, you can find more entries there.  In fact, I already have an entry up this week!

Now, as the thirty-five year old in me would say – “Get off my lawn!”

The Don needs a warm glass of milk and a nap.

Greetings, Popples!!

I dunno what it is, but I just can’t seem to stop thinking about TRON: Legacy.  Between the viral marketing, watching the original a couple of weekends ago with Krellion, and the latest trailer that I shared with you last week, the new film has quickly become one of my most-highly anticipated releases of 2010.  I’ve even made screencaps (horizontal Olivia Wilde on a glowing couch for the win!) from the trailer to use as wallpaper for my laptop.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t even come out until mid-December.

Great Scott!

It hasn’t helped that details on the film have been few and far between.  That is, until recently…

A couple of days ago, Quint at Ain’t It Cool News was finally able to post a portion of his experiences at a press junket for the film that he attended last year.  Within that report he was able to share a slew of juicy little nuggets about the film.  There are a few of them that have particularly piqued my interest:

Clu is back. And he isn’t quite the good guy we saw in the first film.  Producer Sean Bailey describes him as “Clu version 2.0”.  Current buzz is that he may actually be the one running things in the computer world this time around, not modern Flynn.  Either way, 1982 Jeff Bridges looks incredible, and we may just see a showdown between both Flynns.  You have to be some kind of crazy to not want to see that happen in the new film.

The new TRON suits are a completely new design. For anyone who has seen and remembers the first film, in order to get the glowy circuitry effects on the original outfits, each actor wore a white suit with the circuitry design stenciled on.  All of the computer world scenes were shot in black and white, with the light effects added in post through rotoscoping.  This made for a unique and cool effect.  The new suits are actually black rubber with the lighting effects done in real time on the suits themselves.  This is achieved through a new, rubberized lamp that is flexible enough to move with the wearer.  The actors actually light up during filming.  This is necessary because the computer world scenes are being shot in 3D, and rotoscoping is difficult to add to a 3D shot in post-production.  Frankly, the live lighting is one of the aspects of the new film the really gets me excited.  We’re already seeing animated light-up T-shirts and other apparel on geek sites and in pop culture stores.  How soon before clothing stores start incorporating the flexi-lamp tech into their merchandise?

The color-coding has been updated. In the original film, it was more or less established that the good guys were blue and the bad guys were red/orange.  In the original screen-play for TRON, the good guys were yellow while the villains were blue.  Shortly after the film was shot, this was changed to the red/blue distinctions.  But if you notice, there are a couple of shots in the first film that still reflect the old color scheme.  In Legacy, the color palette for the goods and bads have been updated, almost in an amalgam of the conflicting choices in the first movie: evil is represented by oranges and yellows, while the protagonists are highlighted by whites, greens and blues.  I think this will be one of the things that symbolizes the evolution Encom’s computer world has gone through since the events of the first film almost thirty years prior.

TRON the game exists in the movie universe. A friend of mine watched the trailer the other day and was a little irked that Flynn’s son discovers a hidden room behind a TRON game cabinet.  Problem was, there was never a TRON game in the original film.  TRON was the name of Alan’s program, to be used as a security program.  And to some degree, my friend is correct.  However, before all of my fellow geeks cry out in geek terror over such a frivolous and irresponsible error on the side of meta, check out the official Encom website.  There is a timeline of events established that incorporate the first and second film, as well as all the events before and in between.  According to the timeline, Flynn did indeed create a TRON game a year after the events that occurred in the first film.  It apparently became an even bigger hit than Space Paranoids, Flynn’s previous gaming success.  So, relax.  It looks like the writers did their homework.  You can have your meta and play it too.

The computer world in the film is an isolated net. If you remember from the first movie, the world of TRON was a private network on Encom’s mainframe.  The MCP at one point even told his user Dillinger that he wanted access to the mainframes of each country’s government so he could run things better.  According to the info made available at the press junket, Legacy’s computer world is also an isolated net created by Flynn and hosted on 1989 servers.  It has evolved and grown over the past twenty-plus years.  Whether this new world is based off of Encom’s original mainframe or a brand new creation remains to be seen.  Either way, I kinda prefer the idea of it being its own isolated realm.  I think the story could have gotten too unwieldy and overwhelming if these characters were playing around in our world wide web.  This way, Flynn and Clu will be much more fun to watch playing around in a universe that has a slightly claustrophobic feel to it, giving the moviegoer more tension to chew on.

Fans of Bladerunner should at least enjoy the movie stylistically. Syd Mead, who designed the world Decker got to chase replicants down in also did the design work for TRON and Legacy.  So, expect a dark film with a lot of Bladerunner influences.  I think that stylistic choice should fit this new film perfectly.  It’s one of the major aspects of Legacy I’m really looking forward to.

And if none of the above is enough to get you excited, I leave you with this (didn’t I mention this?):

(You can embiggen it.)

The Don feels a presence.  Another warrior is on the mesa.  Oh, it’s just a C.O.W.-Boy.