…congratulations to Richard and Katy, the supreme rulers of the Spwugniverse!!!!!

They are the essence of everything that is Spwug.  Without either of them, this site wouldn’t be here to bring you a daily dose of all things geek.

It was an honor and a privilege to witness the joining of these two forces of good.  They are my friends.  They are my family.  I am proud to be the head writer of something they envisioned, and I am proud to be a part of their lives.

My best wishes to both of you, Pocky Rich and Katy.  Here’s to bigger and greater things.  With your powers combined, anything is possible.

You’ve likely already seen the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie reviews from our very own Donnie Sturges and Krellion. Their reviews are much better than mine, for the sheer fact that they ARE reviews. I bring you…more of an anti-review. A hopeful handful of laughs. A mockery, if you will.

Does that mean I thought the movie was awful? Heck, no! I had a blast! (Not as literal as the explosive blasts in the movie itself, mind you.) I went in expecting nothing but a lot of cool explosions, and I was not disappointed.

But the greatest thing about G.I. Joe is that it refuses to take itself seriously. It’s self-aware. Of its toy-line past. Of its 80s cartoon roots. Of the fact that it’s taking a cheesy, cartoony concept and ramping it up to eleven. As Donnie Sturges inspired me to say after the movie, the sheer meta of it all threatens to collapse in upon itself into a gigantic black hole of self-referencing. And it’s awesome.

That said, there’s a lot about this movie you can laugh with. And, sometimes, laugh at. I scribbled down numerous things that stuck in my head, and I now present them here for you. Please note: not all of these actually happened as I present them–not beyond the first line of each, anyways. Mostly, they’re more…things the characters should have said/done, but didn’t, except for in my head at the time. If you see this movie, you’ll probably find similar conversations running through your own noggin. These are also completely out of order, by the way. Are there spoilers in here? How should I know? It’s a brainless fun movie that may or may not even actually HAVE a plot to be spoiled! Read at your own risk, children.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt/The Doctor: I’m the Doctor.
Christopher Eccleston/McCullen: No, you bloody well are not! I’m the bloody Doctor! Where’s the TARDIS? Where’s my agent?
Lackey #1: Sir! Your accent! You’re supposed to be Scottish in this movie, sir!
Christopher Eccleston/McCullen: Bloody hell! I mean….Away, an’ bile yer heid, banger!
David Tennant: (Off-camera) If thae were wantin’ a Scottish Doctor, thae ought t’hae asked me!
Lackey #1: (Whispering to Lackey #2) I thought Gordon-Levitt was that kid from “Third Rock from the Sun.” Didn’t he, like, retire or die or something?

(Introducing Duke and Ripcord to the Joes)
Scarlett: Hello, boys, I’m Scarlett. I’m a hot redheaded bombshell who knows stuff, but don’t worry about competition–the women in this movie are only strong female characters when it’s beneficial to the plot. (Male cast: *Whew*) The rest of the time we’ll just be showing off our bodies and playing hard-to-get. I’ll be sure to scream your names in a girly voice when I think you’re in danger.
Ripcord: I think you should only scream MY name in in a girly voice, when you use that kung-fu action grip to–
General Hawk: This is only a PG-13 movie, soldier! Now you know, and knowing is half the–
Audience –Yeah, we saw that one coming.
Ripcord: Heh heh. That’s what she said.

White House Staffer: Mr. President, we must take you to the bunker. The whole world is in grave danger.
President: You mean–?
White House Staffer: Yes, sir. Your accent won’t stop changing.

(Snake Eyes does something typically risky)
Scarlett: SNAKE!
Otacon: Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAKE!
Scarlett: Who the hell are you?

Scarlett: SNAKE!
Snake Eyes: (Hand signals that translate to “What is it now, woman?!”)
Scarlett: Why are you white?

In another part of the world….
(Badly-rendered CG polar bear can’t live with his jerky animations anymore and commits suicide, seconds before an enemy aircraft lands on the ice)
Baroness: We’ve captured a Joe.
Storm Shadow: Handcuff him. If you put one of the world’s top soldiers in handcuffs, he’s TOTALLY helpless!

(Because you should always trust the evil Japanese ninja who’s actually a Korean man.)

The Doctor: It’s time for the COBRA to RISE up and reveal itself.
McCullen: O I C WUT U DID THAR

(Ripcord steals an enemy jet)
Scarlett: Is it true what they say about black boys?
Ripcord: That they know how to handle their big, black…stolen jet toys? You know it, baby.

Ripcord: I CAN’T VOICE-CONTROL THIS JET THAT I STOLE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I’D BE UNABLE TO COMMAND A JET I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
Scarlett: Maybe it responds to McCullen’s ancestral Scottish moonspeak. I speak Celtic!
Ripcord: Since when, cracka chick?
Scarlett: Since it was convenient to the plot!
Ripcord: Hey, wait, there ain’t no single Celtic langua–
Scarlett: DON’T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR POINTLESS REAL-WORLD FACTS.

Cobra Commander: DUUUKE. I AM YOUR–**
Duke: Daddy? Is that you?
Cobra Commander: ….Ex-girlfriend’s brother. What the eff is WRONG with you, man?
Duke: DUDE. HOW DID I MISS THIS TOTALLY OBVIOUS PLOT TWIST.
M. Night Shyamababallamaramalamadingdong: Wut a TWEEST!

**Yes, I know the correct Star Wars quote is “No, I am your father.” Don’t ruin my feeble attempts at humour!

This last one actually happened exactly as I write it (bonus TRUTH!):

White House Staffer: Mr. President, telephone. The French are very upset.
Numerous people in the audience and also the voice inside my head: Of course they’re very upset! They’re French!

Bet you can’t wait to go see the movie now, can you?

YESTERDAY – With the launch of the Nintendo DSi, the “upgraded” dual screen, portable gaming system that has dominated the handheld market since its release, a well-concealed legal war between the Nintendo and Apple corporations has come to light. The two media giants have apparently been duking it out for years over ownership of the letter “I,” and have subsequently been pumping out products using the letter in an attempt to claim domination.

The story broke when some gaming journalists, who regularly pour over patent information in hopes of finding leaks and being able to post about said leaks on the internet before other journalists can do so, stumbled on a rejected patent by Nintendo to lay ownership to the letter.

It seems that in 2003, Nintendo had offered to simply buy the letter from the alphabet for an undisclosed sum, reducing the alphabet to 25.  However, the bid failed. The rejection letter from the US patent office stated, “The absurdty of ownng an entre letter s utterly nsane. ‘m sure ths rdculous sentence s more than enough evdence to reject the clam.”

Tracing back the apparent letter war, its origins become fairly clear. With Apple producing products such as the iPod, the iMac, and later, the iPhone, they claimed a very early lead. However, Nintendo was quick to catch up by releasing the Wii, which featured not one, but “i’s, and only yesterday, the DSi.

When questioned, a Nintendo representative stated, “The “i” is just so hot right now… It’s not as cumbersome to write as its H and J neighbors, and to not capitalize it, like, totally defies every English convention since freakin’ English was invented. It’s rebellious, and people dig rebels.”

Apple representatives had a less amicable response. A letter stated, “Nintendo thinks they can claim the letter because they have a lower-case “i” in their name? Never. When we unveil our next product line, the iiiiiiiiiMe+You+Weiiiiiiiii, they will have no choice but to admit defeat in sheer amazement of our pronoun usage.”

Since the news became public, Nintendo has capitalized on the battle to call out Apple, challenging them to a game of Tetris for ultimate ownership of the letter. Apple, however, has declined the challenge, stating that Nintendo would have an unfair advantage with Tetris, and issued a different challenge in response. “Whoever can get the highest score on 10 shitty iPhone games should be the true victor,” stated the release.

With as much publicity as the war has garnered for Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony have been quick to jump in. Microsoft PR representatives are working around the clock to show their strong affiliation with the letter “X”, as it is used in Windows XP and in the X-Box 360.

Sony, however, seems to be jumping on the iBandwagon. Playstation bigwig Kaz “Hir-I” is reportedly having a hard time figuring out how to add “i’s” to current generation Playstation consoles.

Dear Nintendo,

I’ll get right to the point: Stop screwing with me. My name is Link. I’ve been called the Hero of Time, I have wielded the Master Sword, and I have slain Ganon and his minions innumerable times. I am as much a synonym of your brand as that plumber guy, and I practically carried the company when you thought it was a good idea to stick to cartridges for that whole “N64” thing. ……So what in the name of the Triforce am I doing DRIVING A DAMN CHOO-CHOO TRAIN?

I always wondered when it would come to this. Over the years, you’ve transformed me from a heroic youth into a deformed, anime-eyed midget who probably needs a Ritalin prescription more than a sword or shield. But that’s cool. Me and the fans have dealt with it, and moved on. Wind Waker was apparently quite an enjoyable experience for many, despite how ridiculous I looked. That’s why I never played it. Here’s a quick memory jog for those of you who have fogotten where everything went downhill:

Okay, so Twilight Princess was a step in the right direction. But must every right step be followed by a step backwards? Disguise it all you want in that trailer, but I’ve got the Triforce of Wisdom, bitches. What you’re really saying is, “OooOOOoh, look, fanboys! This train shoots cannonballs!” Since when have I NEEDED cannonballs? Heck, since when have I needed a TRAIN to get places?

And while I’m talking about fanboys, I’ve heard some rumors on this internet thing that you are all quite happy that Zelda is included in this game. Excuuuuuse me? Did someone drop you all off Death Mountain? This series isn’t called Legend of LINK. (It should be, but that’s another rant.) It’s called The Legend of Zelda. And there’s a reason for that.

Because, for as badass as I am when you bother to draw me correctly, ultimately, that worthless broad Zelda is more important than I ever will be. So let’s get this straight, fan boys – you’re happy she’s included, because at some point they took her OUT? You’ve done a bang-up marketing job, Nintendo. Somehow you’ve confounded the masses into congratulating you when you include the title character in the games now.

Really, I am all for change. I know I’ve been doing more or less the same thing for the last 25 years. You’re trying to draw a new audience into a series traditionally reserved for the hard-core fan base that supported you in your infancy as children, who are now being all but forgotten. I know I’m no Wii Fit or Wii Sports, and you don’t need me like you used to.

But seriously. I’m DRIVING A TRAIN. The Hyrule theme is being performed by fiddles, and Zelda is about to knight me or something while I’m wearing a conductor’s hat too small for my deformed little head.  Get me off this train and put me back on track. Er… Off of them. Far, far, away from them.

Thanks guys, and best regards to Miyamoto-san,

Link

P.S. It’s a new century, and I’d kinda like to have a spoken line. Samus got one…

Once lauded for its family-friendly hardware and innovative game design, the Nintendo Wii has recently come under fire from many of its former supporters for failing to provide proper parenting to its millions of dependant users under the age of 18.

“For its $250 price tag, plus the numerous peripherals, the Wii really ought to be doing more of its share around the house,” said Linda Laze, founder of Mothers Against Wii (MAW.) “I parked my kids in front of the system and told it to vacuum the house and have dinner cooked by 7PM, and when I came home from my party, the Wii had done little more than bleep and bloop at them the whole day.”

In fact, 2009 has seen a number of child owners become increasingly dissatisfied with the Wii’s ability to parent. Chief among their concerns, was that the Wii is a stationary box of white plastic, unable to feed, clothe, or ask children how their day at school was. One child owner, Eric Morales , took matters into his own hands, but ultimately become frustrated. “I was trying to mod the Wii so that at the very least, it could make simple macaroni and cheese for my kids,” said Morales, a programmer from Echo Park.  “But after over 25 hours of failed attempts, I figured, this is retarded, I may as well feed the damn kids myself!”

Mario, the iconic face of Nintendo for over 25 years, has also not escaped public scrutiny. Child owners believe that Mario, who requires input from children in order to do his job of smashing creatures and tracking down stars, should be providing children a percentage based commission of his earnings. “Our children collect all those gold coins for him, and do we see even a cent of that? No!” said Angie Stills, a concerned parent. “That Sony Wiibox thing is just a scam to further the communist Japanese agenda.”

How have parents reacted? Research shows that despite their claims, they continue to buy Nintendo software in droves, hoping that titles such as “Wii Fit” and “Wii Music” will at least keep children from becoming the “fat, uncultured slobs their parents are.” Many other child owners, however, have turned back to the old mainstay – TV. Sara Rhodes, a self-described housewife from Laguna Beach with better-things-to-do-than watch-her-children said it best: “If the Wii won’t raise my children right, I may as well let the TV do it. It’s old fashioned, but that’s how my parents did it, and I turned out jussst fine.”