Guys, it’s the time of year where we show our holiday spirit by spending all our money on gifts that will very likely go unappreciated by their recipients. (Rosy picture I painted there, innit?) But I’m here to hopefully assist in picking a present that won’t go to the Goodwill center on the 26th….At least, as long as the person you’re shopping for likes webcomics.

Here are the stores of some of my favourite webcomics, as well as a mini-list of what you can find there. If you’ve ever heard your cousin mention how much he likes Richard from Looking for Group, or your roommate talking about how cool Sluggy Freelance is, you can achieve temporary respect in the form of a holiday bribe by shopping these stores for relevant merch. This is just a sampling–you can’t know the true glory until you check it all out for yourself. And don’t wait around, because holiday shipping deadlines are nigh!

Basic Instructions – Clothing, books, commissioned images of your fan-friend! We all need instructions on how to live a better life when the moon-men attack.

Draconia Chronicles – Stickers, clothing, calendars! Who doesn’t want lithe and buxom tigers, dragons, and foxes gracing their home? Foolish people, that’s who. (Please note the site is in the process of changing servers this week and may have a little downtime.)

Looking for Group – Comics, figurines, plushies, blankets, clothes, posters, and randomness! I don’t know about you, but I would burn so many villagers for those Richard socks.

Penny Arcade – Do I really have to explain this one? It’s freakin’ Penny Arcade. They’ve got EVERYTHING. They’re the Sam’s Club of webcomic stores. Good deals at bargain prices. You know the drill. (The Fruit F…umm…Lover certainly knows all about drilling. BAM!)

Questionable Content – Prints, clothing, tote bags! Much of which is not, in fact, questionable content, but much of which is, in fact, super cool.

Sluggy Freelance – Plushies, books, games, pins, and clothing! And you can buy a Defenders membership subscription so your Sluggite fan-friend can see all the juicy content the normal peons–err, fans–don’t get to see. Don’t forget to check out the Breakables Store for more delicate articles like calendars, mugs, and mouse pads. If you don’t buy something, Bun-bun plushie will stab you in the eye with his cute widdle pwushie switchbwade. I may do the same if I never acquire my own serial-killing bunny rabbit. (Regretting my own lack of Defender membership to buy the Defenders-exclusive Holiday Overlord version right about now.)

Something Positive – Posters, prints, cards, clothes, and alliteration! (Much of which is not work-safe, so browse with discretion.) Me, I’m holding out for a Choo-Choo Bear squishy stress doll to get made.

Studio Foglio, creators of Girl Genius, Buck Godot, and What’s New? – Pins, books, games, and squeezy toys. A Wulfenbach airship you can squish again and again? No wonder the Baron is an unstoppable force in Europa.

See, now I’ve done practically all the holiday shopping work for you, out of the goodness of my black little lump-of-coal heart, sharing the joy of the season.

You’re welcome.

….I expect to see those Richard socks and Bun-bun plushie under my tree by Christmas morning. Finder’s fee. You know.

Warning: rant doesn’t know when to quit.

Yeah, I know Internet quizzes are too easy when it comes to rant topics. But this the first time I’ve found occasion to do it, so cut me some slack, eh?

This chunk o’ venting applies all across the board of creative arts. And it opens with a plea: creators of all kinds, STOP TAKING THOSE MARY SUE LITMUS TESTS.

Does it seem like an odd thing to write about? I’m sure it does, but I’ve run into this topic six freakin’ times in the past month, and my patience with stupidity only goes so far. Which is to say, not far at all. I’m annoyed with people who make these tests, as well as the people who actually take them in the slightest bit seriously. I mean it. I’m going to smack some heads if I see one more message from someone who’s upset that “the Internet” told them their character sucks unto Sue-ness on some ridiculous quiz just because she has four colours dyed in her hair.

If you’ve spent much time reading online, you’re almost certainly familiar with the Mary Sue/Gary Stu. They go far beyond simple “insert” characters, which are based upon a creator of the work they appear in, but aren’t necessarily Sues/Stus themselves if well-designed. Mary Sues/Gary Stus are characters who are too perfect for the world of the story they’re in, or are so stricken with bad luck despite being “perfect” that you’re supposed to just want to hug them (but often you end up only wanting them to walk off a cliff). They’re always the smart one with knowledge beyond the ken of their peers, the pretty one, and/or the hero. Every other character either wants to sex ‘em or kill ‘em, past the bounds of believability. No matter how badly they behave, other characters easily forgive them–unless those guys are the ones unnaturally obsessed with killing the character. The eyes of the story world’s other characters are always upon the Sue/Stu. The rules of the story’s reality get bent or flat-out broken in order to make a Sue/Stu look better, in both the “Sue/Stu is a shining star” way and the “Sue/Stu is deserving of ultimate sympathy” way. (Look, I’ma just call them all the traditional “Sues” from now on. If Johnny Cash can have “A Boy Named Sue”…then so can I, dammit.)

Unfortunately, as always happens with time and the Internet, the original definition gets warped. People forget how to really define the thing anymore. And suddenly, the definition is incorrectly made so broad that pretty much ANY character can be called a Sue. That’s where the Mary Sue Litmus Tests come in. If you take those quizzes, I estimate there’s a 90% chance your character will be branded a Sue by the test results. I’ll be adding my “research” (if you can call it that) here to prove my point, don’t worry.

For some reason, variations on the “Original Mary Sue Litmus Test” (if such a thing even exists anymore) plague the Internet like a bedbug infestation. For an even more unfathomable reason, budding artists take these tests for their original characters, and take the results seriously, to look at the number of feedback comments wailing “I worked so hard on making my character believable, but this test says she’s just a Sue!” Look, people–as a general rule, Internet quizzes are not written by learned experts. They’re made by bored teens in high school, by college nerds slacking off term papers, and by adult nerds after a long shift behind the cash register at work. I shouldn’t even have to say this, but I will anyways….If you take an Internet quiz–hell, even a random non-quiz website as a valid source of feedback for your creative designs, you’re not just asking for failure. You’re begging for it. Those quizzes and other non-scholarly sources will always steer you in the wrong direction.

What really screws up these tests’ Sue-definitions is that the quizzes use incorrect guidelines to determine Sue-ness. Instead of going by the believability of personality, “perfectness”, and how much the rules are bent for a character, these tests tend to focus on a character’s physical appearance, hobbies, and even their name. I plunked “Mary Sue Litmus Test” into Google and got…well…FAR more results than I wanted to see, given my obvious dislike of this quiz. No, I won’t link to them. I’m giving them too much attention just mentioning them here, really. I took the first six tests that didn’t try to spam me with pop-ups or demand my email address to get my results, and here’s my haul.

Pretty Much Everyone Is A Mary Sue according to these tests, as proven by not just using fictional characters, but also real people, yers truly included. Most of these tests, being near-clones of one another, use similar or identical scoring systems, rating your character from 0 to whatever on the Sue scale (I averaged my scores as best I could).

I took these six quizzes for three characters (two mine from two different canons, third from a video game), two real-life friends of mine, and myself. (And good gods, did that ever take forever. The things I do for you guys….) The results? Five out of those six characters/people were classed as “High Mary Sues.” The only exception was a personal character who’s a talking plant and was classed “Not a Sue”–most of the questions just don’t apply to flora. I tried to answer the questions a second time as if the plant was human, and got a “You’re a Sue!”-type score, though still lower than for us other five human(oid)s. Answers only vary so much when the character changes species. But still, I think your tests are a bit broken, guys. And I’m not the only one–the roleplayers on this LiveJournal community post voiced their own problems with how the quiz they tried was lacking (warning: link contains no-no words). Says LiveJournal user harlecerule: “Basically, the test says ‘Is your character interesting? Okay, they’re a Sue.’ without enough sections for flaws/provisos that turn a ‘Sue trait’ into ‘oh, okay’ to potentially lower the score.” Llamrei replies, “Yeah, that was kind of my impression. Basically their definition of someone who isn’t a Sue is someone who is not out of the ordinary in any way whatsoever.” Browse the 160 comments tot that post, and you’ll see the vast majority of characters tested were high Sues, regardless of how well-designed they were outside of their unique traits.

It gets better, though–the three fictional characters got a LOWER Sue score than the three real people. Yet we were all still High Mary Sues who are completely unbelievable as characters, according to this quiz. My ex-military friend who’s travelled extensively with the forces, learned all about armed combat, has several visible scars from injuries received during training, and earned numerous awards? Totally unbelievable Sue, even though his experience is pretty normal for military personnel. My friend who’s generally considered quite attractive, is multilingual, hotheaded, and very active in conservation groups? Totally unbelievable Sue, even though, again, she’s not that unusual a person in this evolving and competitive world. Me, with an unusual first and last name, frequently mistaken for being a teenager half my age, and left-handed? Totally unbelievable Sue. Apparently having any sort of unique name and DNA that’s been good to me makes me unbelievable as a character. Huh. Who knew. (Of course, I’m not writing up EVERYTHING that affected our Sue-scores…just referencing some of the more ridiculous questions on these quizzes.)

I think it’s the name questions that are some of the most ridiculous. “Does the character’s name mean something?” Unless you made up a name comprised of syllables you like the sound of, EVERYONE’S name means something in some old language. Even common names like John (Hebrew, “God’s grace”) and Margaret (Greek, “pearl”) mean something. Oh, and don’t think you’re off the hook if you just made up a name that has no meaning; unique names ALSO get you Sue points. Being named after anything in nature, such as an animal or meteorological phenomenon, nets you Sue points as well. This is where the test really screwed me, since my parents made up one of my names, and, being of Native American descent, one of my last names is an animal. Which reminds me, having a Native American character puts you in Sue territory in half the quizzes I took. I suppose I should be offended. Apparently, realistic characters don’t have names like Maria TallChief or Peter Blue Cloud. (Go ahead, Google them. I’ll wait.) Really, if you whittle the quizzes down to their bare elements, just having a name puts you in Sue territory, the way some of these tests are rigged. And gods forbid you actually put any imagination into your character’s names! Can’t have creativity when we’re creating, now, can we? That said, you’re toeing the line of Sue-ness when you name your prophesied hero “Destiny” or give names that describe characters’ traits even though no one could have predicted them at birth, like “Oak” for a strong man who’s built like a tree, or “Melody” for a character who loves singing. You can perhaps pull it off if the babies were named based upon some old fortune-teller’s vision of their future at birth, but it’s really a crapshoot.

That’s not even getting into the ways these quizzes repeatedly contradict themselves. Scars appear to be a sore point for whoever writes these things, because I saw two related questions repeated in nearly every test. “Does your character have any visible scarring from battle?” Sue points! “Does your character have no scars despite being in battle?” Sue points! The problem is that these quizzes TRY to be thorough, but they don’t ask enough questions to provide provisos, and also don’t ask the right questions. Just leaving it at “you get Sue points whether or not your character is scarred” is just sloppy writing. Why would you take a quiz about creating art that’s sloppily compiled? As another example, here’re two more contradicting questions that repeat in each of the tests. “Is your character much older than they appear?” Sue points! “Is your character much younger than they appear?” Sue points! It seems that everyone in the History Of Ever must look EXACTLY within their age range. Well, dang. I guess I’ll go punish my naughty genes now.

Additionally, these tests mistake self-insert characters (GOOD if well-written) for Sues (generally always BAD). “Does the character share your beliefs?” “Is the character’s name based off your own?” Dammit, people, how many times must I go into this? Self-inserts are NOT exclusively Sues! And when I was growing up, I was taught that you’re supposed to write what you know. Writing what you know typically does mean that you, the creator, may share a few traits with your characters. But not too much, or you can cross the line into BAD self-insert. Which is largely indistinguishable from a Sue, if a character has many of your good traits and is very skilled, but has few of your faults. I know it’s a very confusing fine line. Which brings me to the final section of this rant-and-a-half….

Basically, physical traits, names, and interests don’t make a character a Sue by default. You can have a Sue who isn’t gorgeous or doesn’t have godlike powers. Conversely, you can have a well-balanced, well-written character who IS beautiful and powerful. While many Sues DO have superior looks, hobbies, intelligence, and/or abilities, those traits do not a Sue make. What makes a Sue is the lack of balance in your character and story design. In order to have them be believable as a character, they must also be believable as a real, flesh-and-blood person. They must make mistakes and bad decisions. They can’t always have the answers. They must have flaws, and they must pay for exercising those flaws–and I mean personality flaws, like occasional cowardice or flying into rages over trivial matters. Being clumsy or missing a finger doesn’t make your character well-rounded. Those are just physical quirks.

If they have extreme power, there still must be limits on that power so they’re not ALWAYS the saviour of everyone around. For example: “Yes, I could destroy the enemy castle with my mind, but the backlash of the power would put me in a coma if it didn’t just kill me, and I’d be totally useless to you guys then.” Or “Yes, I could destroy the enemy castle with my mind, but I can’t control my powers, and it’s not worth the risk that I’d just end up killing all of us by accident instead of the enemies!”

Everyone can’t be in love with or befriend your character. Everyone is not your friend in real life, after all. Not everyone thinks you’re special, and so it must be for your characters. Everyone can’t be talking about your character when they’re not around, or following your character’s every move. Trust me, no one gives a crap about much of the stuff you (all of us) do here in the real world, and the same must hold true in your created worlds if you want balance. It’s just not that interesting for other people to sit around listening to your character explain how they were the sole saviour of the people trapped in the enemy castle by destroying it with their mind. Any rules that you create for your world must also apply to your character. I don’t care if you’ve got a Jedi with a lightsaber in medieval France. That Jedi is still going to need rules and limits on what he can and can’t do, or you’re going to have a very boring character. Your audience wants to see what makes your character sympathetic and human (regardless of actual species). If you don’t give them that, then you won’t have an audience.

So forget about those Internet quizzes, you who took them. Trust them, and you’ll end up with a pile of bland flour instead of an interesting character. Focus on making your creations well-rounded and balanced. Examine the world around you to see how people really behave, and make sure it comes through in your works. Don’t be afraid to get creative! You’ll know you’ve done a good job when you notice your audience steadily increasing and the feedback is overwhelmingly positive. (Exceptions to this include Stephenie Meyer, who is essentially paid to write Sues. But that’s another rant for another time.)

And don’t waste your breath trying to tell me how X character is obviously a Sue because they’re pretty/descended from angels/a great singer, rather than because they never do anything wrong and all the main characters have a crush on them. You need to re-read this article from the beginning if you STILL think crap which isn’t related to character personality development makes a Sue.

Yeah, I think that’s enough from me for now. I’ll be seein’ you all next time…whether you like it or not!

Greetings, Banana Splits!

There comes a time in every child’s life when they must put away childish things and become an adult…

…or they can say “To Hell with that” and continue to have fun by going to conventions like Nekocon.

Guess which one I did this past weekend?

To be fair, I was there in an official capacity, as my partner-in-crime Danny Valentini and I were invited to the convention again this year to be guests.  Supposedly, we do this web comic together called “The Draconia Chronicles” that grows in popularity every year.  Now, I would just chalk this up to rumor for now, because everyone knows that there are no such things as web comics.  That’s just a story parents tell their children at night to scare them so that they won’t grow up to get online degrees.

You should know the drill by now – I do a quick recap of my weekend at a convention, you skim over it feeling unfulfilled, then we both reluctantly agree that we need to see other people as we give back all the items we borrowed or gave to each other.

I’m still waiting to get back my copy of the “The White Album.”

As con Fridays go, this year’s Neko offered pretty much the standard fare – I show up at the convention center about two hours before the Opening Ceremonies.  Heading up to the “Con-Ops” room, I procure my Guest badge.  After some spirited conversation about topics I have no recollection of discussing, I make a dotted bee-line for our table in the Artists Alley.  I say dotted because one can never just go to where they are going at a convention.  Invariably, there will be many stops and restarts as you run into old friends for a quick chat, pose for pictures, stop to take pictures, notice something shiny, pause to ponder the secrets of the universe, stop because you’re chewing gum, or hesitate because the all-powerful con gods sent a messenger to you with a gift consisting of this confection called “Pocky”.  And no, I don’t mean the owner of Spwug.

As I survey the landscape of the cavernous region known as the Artists Alley, I catch up with more fellow AA (not Alcoholics Anonymous) commoners as I wait for my cohort to arrive.  I also wait for time to slowly transport me into the future, for that is where the Opening Ceremonies await me.

When the Hour of Trying to Fool People Into Thinking You Are Someone Important in Front of a Medium-Sized Crowd is finally at hand, my recently arrived partner-in-crime and I make our way into the even more cavernous region where the Ceremonies are to take place.  After a series of horrible attempts at humor that are the reason my parents gave me up for adoption, Danny and I – fully convinced that no one knew who the heck we were – remove ourselves and head back over to “Con-Ops”, where we trade our silly old Guest badges for shinier and cooler “Neko Bazaar” badges.  With renewed vigor, we return to the first cavernous area of which I had already mentioned previously.  From there, we set up our table, and begin the attempt to peddle our wares for the rest of the evening.  And that, little Christopher, is how babies are born.

Saturday finds us arriving early, long before noon’s rising sun can greet us.  We have a panel to host and candy tied to strings so that we can lure entice the con masses to our little panel room.  We are able to capture accrue a respectable number of individuals despite our outlandish buffoonery on display.  In fact, I do believe that a couple of them even stop screaming long enough to ask us questions about our web comic.  I call that a success.  Then again, I call not getting maced in the face when I ask a woman the time a success.

From there, we return to our temporary abode in the Artists Alley for more shilling, more debauchery, more talky-talky…blah blah blah…  You’re already asleep, so we’ll skip ahead…

Two in the afternoon!  We have another panel!  But our princess is in another castle!  Dejected from finding yet another one of those stupid Toadstool weirdoes (where do they all come from?  Do they multiply like rabbits?), we make our way back to the same room our last panel was in.  In a strange case of déjà vu, the room looks exactly the same as the last time we were in it.  In fact, maybe this really is the first time we are in it, and the first time really wasn’t the first time, but instead a strange message from the future telling us what lie in store for our fates.

Nope, same room, different panel.

This time we are joined by real artists and writers as we try our best to sound like we know as much as they do about making web comics.  I think we have them fooled right up to the point where I mention something about the right amount of tension needed on a loom when interweaving the threads of a web comic.  I’m not sure where the audience got the pitch forks and torches, but it makes for an exciting conclusion to what I think was a successful panel.

As my counterpart and I make our escape back to the Caverns of AA, we easily slip back into our respective roles – he’s the DJ and I’m the rapper.  Sales seem to be going well on our new “Men of the Quadratic Equation” calendar, as well as a few other items we have somehow managed to fool the commonfolk into believing have magical powers – mainly some Shamwow!s, as well as a few pounds of Mighty Putty.  Throughout the afternoon and evening we get several con-goers who stop by claiming to be fans of our web comic.  But, I know the truth.  After being visited by them as often as I am, you tend to recognize evil spirits when they show up to haunt you and ask you for favors.

It is at this point that I also have a vision that my wife is in an 80s glam-pop band.  I shiver from the delusion, then down a couple burgers that are really cookies.  My life is strange.

The greatest highlight of Saturday has to be in the evening when we go to dinner.  It isn’t often when an evil spirit actually tries to get you drunk so that they can take advantage of you.  Joke’s on him, though.  I would have said yes sober.

Sunday seems to be a blur.  No, I mean every Sunday seems to be a blur.  I think my brain just hates living in my cranial cavity so much that it just decides to shut down every seventh day as a middle finger to me and my ancestors.  I can’t fathom why.  I mean, it isn’t my fault that the Waltons aren’t real.

Now that I think about it, I do seem to recall some events took place on Neko’s Day of Sun.  We have a final panel wherein we are usurped by dark forces who yank the proverbial rug out from under us by yanking the actual rug out from under us.  I think we still manage to do a fairly adequate job of teaching the wailing masses how not to create or develop characters.  At least, I pray to Bill Cosby that we did.

A few more hours of trying to prove to the con folk that we are not wax statues and the con is officially over.  As my main squeeze who is not my wife but is really the artist who draws the web comic I scribble words for and I break down and cry our set-up at the table in the AA Caverns, we say our goodbyes to a few of the fellow artists who were crazy enough to talk to us.  We make our way to the bar in the hotel that is across the way from the convention center.  I remark as we head over that a way looks an awful lot like grass and asphalt.  Once inside the bar, a friend buys me an apple pie – except that this pie is really liquid and I have to drink it instead of eat it.  But hey, in today’s economy everyone has to make sacrifices – even our American icons.  I heard that baseball is currently just gardening in order to save money.

With the evening now upon us, we make our way to Olive Garden.  There, a free meal awaits all of us who were sneaky enough to convince the staff that we were Guests Neko Bazaar attendees.  But first we stand outside the restaurant to play a game called “Parking Lot-to”.  The object of the game is to stand out in the parking lot until the number of people in your party matches the number called.  Our group makes it to the bonus round, where we win some fabulous prizes – including our meals, as well as a copy of the home game.  I can’t speak for those who are still in the parking lot after we are seated, though I’m told that “manicotti formaggio” is Italian for “convention stragglers”.

I’m glad I ordered the chicken alfredo.

The Don would like to give his heartfelt thanks to everyone at Nekocon for their gracious generosity and hopes to be invited back next year!

Andrew Dobson, skilled artist and Nintendo fan of old, gives his take on Project Natal and the Sony Wand in “Danny and Spot” (I’m showing you two comics that were uploaded together, but it’s the second comic that’s relevant here.) Check out his amazing work at the link above!

Fall has, uh, fallen upon us here at the Casa de Marlink, according to the bright red tree outside our door. Halloween rushed in and blew out with the speed and force of six three-year-olds on a sugar high, leaving us with just the leftovers of candy for trick-or-treaters, decorations to be taken down*, and some form of minor plague that some generous soul donated to the big Halloween party.

*Decorations were left up into November to ensure we did not incur the wrath of Sam by taking them down too early.

While I soothe my aching head and raw throat with honeyed ginseng tea, let’s get down to brass tacks. Or thumbtacks. Who even uses brass tacks anymore?

You might notice this isn’t the monthly webcomic review I’ve normally been doing the first Tuesday of the month, although a comic on the Web still makes a feature here. I’m switching up the way things are done, but since how a writer works is only of interest to the writer, I’ll spare you the details and get to the topic at hand. Well, topics. I’m gonna get random and complain about a few things here. This post was inspired by the Dobson comics you see here and the gripes they reminded me of.

This isn’t NEW-news; we’ve all heard that the Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 are keen on adding motion controls to their systems. The response from the gaming community so far has largely been a big yawning “Meh.” My, the enthusiasm of disapproval sure has fallen since Nintendo announced the Wii Remote a few years back! (Read the “2006″ panel of the above comic to see the reaction I got a few years ago, when I expressed delight at the proposed Nintendo motion controls that have since come to rule the world.)

But, even though I posted a comic here that’s mocking the Wiimote-mockers, I’m not going to tread…too much…into that old territory of how it’s “cool” to hate the big N because they always seem to come out on top (funny, I would think that would be a reason to LIKE them. We’re supposed to like winners who provide quality products for the consumer, right? Or maybe I’m the only one who still values substance over style. Wait. Said I wasn’t gonna go there. I also said I’d call you after last night. Get used to disappointment, kids.) No, my problem with the gamer-dubbed “copycat” motion technology announced by Sony and Microsoft isn’t relevant to the “copycat” part.

We don’t have a 360 in this house, due to there being nothing we wanted to play on it. We do have a PS3, which I pretty much only use as a DVD/Blu-Ray player. I spend basically all of my gaming time on the PC, the Wii, or my older Nintendo systems (and much of my PC gaming is playing Nintendo ROM’s when I’m not playing Oblivion). It’s not that I’m just obsessed with everything Nintendo does to the point that I won’t touch the competition. It’s that I’m obsessed with Nintendo BECAUSE they produce the games I actually like to play and replay, an area in which both Sony and Microsoft have been severely lacking for me. Let’s have another set of Dobson comics to illustrate:

Before anyone says anything, A Boy and His Blob falls under the “third-party” category, not the “new intellectual property” one.

Yeah, I’m not a big first-person shooter fan, nor am I diggin’ the dull “realistic” brown graphics that make backgrounds and items largely indistinguishable and have become the gaming norm. Don’t think I’m ignoring that Nintendo has been known to fall into this trap too (Twilight Princess, why you gotta hurt me so bad with your muted colours? Can’t we go back to the vibrant pallets of your NES and SNES glory days when I could tell one object from another? Even your N64 forays were more vivid!) And many of the PS3 FPS offerings are pretty much all the same thing, graphics-/gameplay-wise. Even the rare stand-out FPS games like Call of Duty: World at War and Battlefield: Bad Company tend to look alike…and play alike in a bad way, which I’ll get into and ties into the motion-control thing….

I can’t comment on the 360’s proposed motion controls beyond quoting a few gamer responses of “Way to do what Nintendo already did!” since I’ve never played a 360, but I’ve got a big problem with Sony’s take. Which is, how can PS3 developers be looking at new types of controls when the ones they’ve been working with for years are still so loose and unresponsive?

There aren’t that many PS3 games I’ve been excited for and actually played. There was Metal Gear Solid 4 (more brown futuristic FPS with a scruffy hero!), Eden, LittleBigPlanet, and the minigame LocoRoco Cocoreccho!, and that’s pretty much it. And I probably would have liked those games a whole lot more, had the controls actually freakin’ worked.

The battle against Vamp in MGS4, for example, took about five times as long as it should have because the CQC maneuver to put someone in a lock-hold only works when it wants to. And let’s not forget the other times during the game that Snake wouldn’t grab what he was supposed to or go where he was told. (Cranky old man.)

In Eden, the controls work like you’re playing underwater with slow response time, which leaves your little character missing easy grab-jumps and constantly falling to the beginning of the level while the timer ticks down. I can generally only play one level at a time, before getting so frustrated at the controls that I quit playing it for the next two months.

LittleBigPlanet…do I even need to get into the controls and hit detection that are so sloppy, even the game’s designers admit there’s something amiss–and then completely reneged on their promise to repair the broken controls by Christmas 2008? I have tried so hard to love this game with all my heart because it’s extremely unique and obviously a labour of love (see also: Stephen Fry narrating), but it’s another one that leads to migraines. I still recommend to friends that they play this game–but as a rental. I can’t justify buying it until you’ve seen if you can love it despite the crappy controls.

LocoRoco…another game that would be so creative and so much fun, if only the damn LocoRocos actually did what they were told, instead of bouncing in place and ogling the pretty butterfly that is clearly telling them to jump on each other and form a stack. Many friends have seen this game on the PS3 and wanted to try it, only to give up after ten minutes of yelling at the screen and shaking the controller.

Ever since the PS3 entered my home, I’ve had this theory that game developers aren’t making games harder–they’re making games harder to play. (Or perhaps making the games themselves “stupider” so that they don’t recognize what you, the player, are trying to do with that weird little alien “controller” thing your PS3 has heard so much about.) And there’s a big difference between the two. People like a challenge. People don’t like watching themselves fail even though they hit the right button at the right time. If developers can’t get regular old button-dominated controls to work as they should, how can they expect to re-revolutionize gaming with a new(ish, *ahem* Nintendo) type of control? Do me a favour, Sony. Get the old right before you move on to the new. Make me love you, as Nintendo made me love them over two decades ago, and continues to make me love them, by getting it right the first time. And Microsoft? At least try to catch my interest next time, okay?

I now end this largely nonsensical ventilation to pop pills for the headache and more tea for the throatache. Catch you on the flip–or catch you at Nekocon this weekend for those who are going, provided I’m not dying of the zombie plague by then!

Here’s a little review of a different kind. Just read–the eyes you save could be your own. (I apologize for NOTHING there.)

Having gone nearly three years without glasses after the tragic demise of my old pair, I was pretty well out of patience with having to stick in my contacts every time I needed to drive five minutes to the grocery store or wanted to watch TV. Unfortunately, I couldn’t pay the several hundred dollars a new pair would cost me. I’d heard good things about the website Zenni Optical over the years, but wasn’t too sure about buying from them. I mean…glasses, frames AND lenses, for as little as $8.00 a pair from some place on the Internet? My last pair of glasses clocked in at a cool $400 (my eyes are short-bus special). How good could glasses that cost me less than my favourite sushi lunch really be?

The short answer is, “Really damn good.”

The longer answer is, “Even better than the pair that cost me four hundred kicks to the clams!”

A month ago, I finally gave in to the burning desire to own a good pair of glasses, and also gave into the equally burnariffic urge to NOT pay $400 for them. So I hit up Zenni-land, and was pretty impressed right away at what I had to choose from. So much so, actually, that I ended up with two pairs, one costing a sweet base cost of $8.00, and the other $9.95. My wonky prescription, which my old optometrist’s glasses office claimed they’d have to charge extra for? No problem! was Zenni’s stance, and my credit card and I rejoiced. I sprang an extra $4.95 for the anti-reflection coating on each pair, the lenses came with free anti-scratch coating and UV shielding, and the shipping was $4.95–a flat rate no matter how many glasses you order. I passed on the offer of polarized clip-on shades since I already have a pair of polarized sunglasses I wear over my regular glasses. My grand total for two pairs of eye-saving love? $32.80. Suck on that, $400 glasses! You’re no longer welcome in my life.

The glasses arrived about two weeks later, and I was thrilled with them out of the package. They were much smaller and lighter than my old pair, made of titanium (my former pair was made of a heavy bulky metal because I was told my lenses were too thick to be supported by lighter materials). After a day or so of my ears and nose getting used to the fact that there was something on them, it felt like I wasn’t wearing glasses at all. And the most important aspect, the prescription, is spot-on. I can wear these glasses all day if needed without eyestrain or headache. I know where I’ll be getting my glasses from now on!

You do need to do your homework before ordering. The best thing you can do beforehand is to go visit physical stores and try on their frames to see what feels and looks good on you. Write down the brand names and all the little letters and numbers engraved into the temple arms of the frames you like. Then, go to your favourite search engine and input that information until you find the specs of each set of frames: lens width, lens height, bridge, temple arm length, and frame width. The more info you can track down, the better chance you stand of finding just what you want, particularly when it comes to lens size information. On Zenni, look for frames that have lens shapes and frame size specs similar to the frames you liked in person. They don’t have to be an exact match, but you want them to be as close as you can get, within about five to ten millimeters if possible.

In addition to your prescription, you’ll also need to know your pupillary distance (PD), something optometrists often don’t write on your prescription. This is the distance between your eyes, and it’s VERY important you have this measurement correct (I don’t recommend trying to measure it yourself). Luckily, you can walk into just about any place that sells glasses and have them determine your PD. Zenni also provides helpful data on how to read the measurements you’re given for every section of the ordering process, so even though you may be confused to start, everything is explained and made easy. Trust me, doing the little bit of legwork is totally worth saving a few hundred dollars on your glasses!

Zenni also makes sure to verify the information in your order before making the glasses. If you make a mistake or buy an add-on you don’t really know that you need for your prescription, they’ll contact you to explain why you don’t need the extra purchase and refund any extra money you were charged. When you place your order, Zenni tells you that you will receive a receipt by e-mail; mine didn’t come until my glasses were shipped about two weeks later, so don’t worry if you don’t get your receipt e-mail right after ordering. But make sure to check your spam filters regularly–Zenni sends their glasses with Delivery Confirmation, which means you get a tracking code in that e-mail! Speaking of shipping, Zenni’s service is much faster than in previous years. I remember hearing that all their glasses used to come from Asia and could sometimes take months to arrive and be processed through (and occasionally rejected by) customs. Now, orders for US customers are coming from California, which is good news to anyone in the country who prefers to have their glasses in days rather than weeks. Glasses ordered in other countries still come from Asia, I believe.

Do I seem happy with my glasses? Because I totally am. And now, my glasses and I are going to play Oblivion on the PC while still being able to see the DVR’d episode of The Venture Bros. playing on the TV four feet away. Long live Zenni Optical!

…congratulations to Richard and Katy, the supreme rulers of the Spwugniverse!!!!!

They are the essence of everything that is Spwug.  Without either of them, this site wouldn’t be here to bring you a daily dose of all things geek.

It was an honor and a privilege to witness the joining of these two forces of good.  They are my friends.  They are my family.  I am proud to be the head writer of something they envisioned, and I am proud to be a part of their lives.

My best wishes to both of you, Pocky Rich and Katy.  Here’s to bigger and greater things.  With your powers combined, anything is possible.

When I’m on the phone with family, my housemate is usually a few feet away, blowing zombies to pieces in Call of Duty 5 or racking up headshots in Battlefield 1943. A common phone conversation goes like this:

THEM: I hear a lot of noise over there. Is he playing games again?
ME: Yep, he’s playing online with some friends.
THEM: Everyone’s staying home to play?
ME: Yeah, no one wanted to waste time and gas driving over to someone’s house, and then we’d still have to drive back home later ’cause we all have work tomorrow.
THEM: So do you guys ever actually hang out anymore, or do you just all stay home and play video games without ever seeing each other?

Gamers are reclusive, shunning the light, not to mention all other people. Surviving on chips in order to gain one more level before work, one more rare drop item, as their chair strains under the player’s ever-increasing bulk. It’s a common myth about gamers, and one that’s probably had most of us rolling our eyes at some point (and had the guilty gamers struggling to get their respective behinds unstuck from their chairs). Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to raise a counterpoint. Not with the fact that you can actually socialize with friends while gaming, via headsets like you’re talking on the phone. No, this is about a much more physical type of gaming interaction.

The Sunday LAN Party. It’s become a sort of tradition amongst my group, only failing to take place when most of us are out of town or have to work. We pick a house, and everyone lugs over their computers and consoles, their handhelds, their huge flatscreen monitors, movies, drinks, and a whole lot of potluckin’-good food. People take turns playing games, since it almost never happens that everyone owns the game currently being played on the local network. While a group game is in session, anyone not playing eats, chats with whoever’s nearby, watches movies, plays cards, or mucks about on a Nintendo DS or a PSP. Even the people who are engrossed in multiplayer gaming are talking with one another–that is, when they’re not yelling instructions like, “ZOMBIE BEHIND YOU!” or “Crap! I need a revive!”

In other words, it’s a real party, full of real party activities (some of which are fueled by real alcohol), and real party people (who may or may not be raisin’ their hands in the air like they just don’t care). It just has the word “LAN” in front of it.

And that bit about us gamers shunning the light? I took this photo at the last LAN party (only had my cell phone camera, sadly). Check out the full-size version, and….Why, just LOOK at all that sunlight coming in through the patio door! Okay, so that part’s a bit tongue-in-cheek….Still, though. It’s natural light. I think it counts.

The boys were gracious enough to reveal part of their screens for this photo, to showcase the variety of gaming we get up to at these things (albeit they’re all on PS3s at the moment. Some Nintendo and PC gaming was going on outside of camera range.) Can YOU identify all the games being represented here?

That’s all for this installment. Tune in next time for…I don’t even know what, but it’ll be here!

…I found them!!

They were at a Big K-Mart down the street.  I was tempted to buy the whole box, but in the end I just bought six.

My search is over.  We now return you to your regularly-scheduled program, already in progress…

Annnnnnd…I’m back! Don’t applaud or nothin’….

Do I hear…chirping?

That’s a fine way to say hallo, after I’ve gone to all the trouble of going down to Panama City Beach, Florida and bringing you all back a souvenir! But because I love you all THIIIIIIS much, I’ll give it to you anyways.

What is it, you ask? Is it that webcomic review I promised you’d get on the 11th since you wouldn’t get it on the 4th?

Well…no. No, it isn’t. The moral of this story, kids, is to always expect the unexpected when it comes to road trips. In my case, the “unexpected” was a complete replacement of my car’s compressor, radiator, front engine mount, and several other bits ‘n’ ends (I am so over Honda after owning two…I’m going back to Toyota for my next car!) I got home from Florida half a week later than originally planned. And so, due to an extreme lack of time, you don’t get your promised, already-delayed webcomic review this week. Can you ever forgive me?

What’s that, you say? “Give us this present, and maybe we’ll consider it”? Well, fine, then. Here you are! I bring you…the beach.

“The beach?” you ask. “What’s a beach have to do with a geek blog? Beaches aren’t geeky! The sand and the salt water damages our portable electronics. The sun makes it hard to see our tiny screens. It’s almost impossible to get a wireless signal by the ocean. And geeks don’t tan; we BURN! What about the beach could possibly be pleasing to us?!”

Oh, come on, give me SOME credit here! I took this photo from the balcony of the condo I was staying in:

Now THAT’S geekery at its finest.

(….Don’t get the joke? Then you suck need some education about the Battlefield video game series. First, look at this webpage for Battlefield: Bad Company. Then look at this Easter Egg from Battlefield 1943. [It's a shame how explaining a joke ruins the punchline.])

“Oh, PLEASE! THAT’S our souvenir?! But that’s just cheap and CHEESY!”

Well, isn’t that what beach souvenirs are supposed to be?

Like LeVar Burton, I’ll see ya next time!

Ahhhh…welcome back, boils and ghouls! Here we are, for another spine-tingling installment of Tales from the Video Game Phobia Crypt!

(*Sigh*….It just doesn’t have the same ring to it. And don’t ever let me channel the Cryptkeeper again.)

Here I am, back in the land of the living! Not even lengthy power outages can keep me from posting! (Except for the part where they DID…but I’m back now, at least for the moment. A few of you will get me when I shout “TOSHIIII!!!!!”) Before we dive in, I’d like to warn all two of my readers that I likely won’t get to post next week. I’ll be hitting the beach, and not only will I not have Internet access there, I’m not sure when I’ll be near a computer again before the end of next week. So instead of promising you a late post, I’ll play it safe and just say, if it happens, if happens. If it doesn’t…well, I’ll be seeing you August 11th with the webcomic review that was due the 4th!

And now for something completely different.

Last time, I delved into real-life phobias carrying over into video games. This time, I’ll talk a bit about a phenomenon unique to video games: phobias that originate from the games themselves. Again, we’ll be using one of my own as an example.

Now, let’s start off by stating that I love me some ocean. I don’t like to swim in it so much, but that’s only because the fish seem to be under the impression that my toes are a free meal. But I don’t have any real-life phobia of the open water….Well, maybe just a smidge of apprehension because you never know what’s under the surface. (Ask my sister how much the jellyfish love her toes!) But that’s what we call Playing It Safe, kids. Always respect the water. And wait thirty minutes after eating to go in.

Oh, 2D gaming, how I miss thee. Swimming in the water and dodging Cheep-Cheeps was such a breeze before the era of 3D games….

Super Mario 64. The game that turned the water’s deeps into a bloody playground of terror (minus the blood). I ain’t afraid of no water! I’ll just jump off this here Jolly Roger ship and take a peek at what’s under the surface, and OH MY GOD THAT GIGANTIC HUGE BLOODY GREAT EEL CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND CHOMPED ME. WHERE DID THAT THING COME FROM?! OH THE HORROR! OH THE HUMANITY! OH THE RIPPING POLYGONS!

Remember Unagi the eel? It was all fun and video games until his bulk filled your TV screen and whacked the air supply out of you with one sweep of his tail. Here’s a 1:04 video showing the stage where you’re actually supposed to get right up in his face and make him come out to attack you.

Are you out of your freakin’ mind, Nintendo?! “Can the Eel Come out to Play?” Heck no, the eel can’t come out to play! Make him stay home! My mom says he’s a bad influence.

Are you laughing at me? Look, those were some swanky graphics back in the day. Low-resolution polygons be darned–that huge blank stare struck fear into the heart of this formerly-fearless gamer! My sister had to complete all the water stages after that. For me, this began my descent down a dark road of paranoia. The water was safe no longer. At least, not in Mario’s world. (Oddly, I never had a problem playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time’s underwater segments. Maybe because I knew that there were no subaqueous enemies outside of the Water Temple, and inside the Water Temple was almost like being on land.)

Most of the games I played since that time didn’t involve water combat or going underwater, so my fear of Unagi and the unknown depths went largely forgotten…until four months ago, when I finally caught up to the rest of the gaming world and started playing The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I emerged from the beginning sewer dungeon into a world of beautiful, expansive landscapes, fearless and ready for my next challenge (finding clothes for my character, if this screenshot I took is any indication)….

….But wait, what’s that moving under the surface of the water? Is that…is that a huge, ugly, fang-filled fish that probably wants to eat my face and then swallow my bones? Why, yes, according to this link, I do believe it is! What is this cold terror that grips my heart? Oh, hallo, water phobia, I thought we’d fallen out of touch over a decade ago. What are you doing here again? OH GODS NO I ACCIDENTALLY FELL OFF THE DOCK AND INTO THE WATER. GET ME TO SHORE NOW!!!! SWIM SWIM SWIM SWIM OH THANK ALL THE NINE DIVINES I made it to the shore again. Let’s just hyperventilate over here for about five minutes until my hearts stops running a marathon, okay? Sooooo not going for a swim again.

I don’t live with my family anymore, so getting my sister to kill these aquatic monstrosities, appropriately called Slaughterfish, was not an option. Luckily, my housemate (who’s also the one who introduced me to Oblivion) was game to take care of any large fanged fish that needed killing. Which was awesome, since there’s a quest that requires you to kill a dozen of these horrific things, swimming in some of the darkest, murkiest water in the game, which only makes the phobia worse. (Luckily, I play on the PC, and was soon able to install an unofficial mod that makes the water crystal-clear. No less frightening, though.)

It’s odd how something that you know isn’t real can frighten you more than what you know IS real. A real body of water doesn’t make me blink, but put me in a virtual ocean of unknown terrors….I suppose that’s why horror movies are so popular. But you can have your axe murderers–if you want to scare me, set your thriller movie in Jolly Roger Bay.

Surely I can’t be the only one out there who’s too chicken to face certain parts of video games. Anyone care to admit their gaming weaknesses?….Yeah, I don’t blame you. I probably wouldn’t admit it, either.

And now, it’s time for me to meet some great friends for some good sushi. You call it dinner. I call it revenge.

P.S. Does my arachnophobia from my last post get triggered by Oblivion? Take a look at this link and decide. Giving them the upper half of an attractive woman doesn’t numb the fear quite as much as you’d expect, once they start moving.