So I hear there was a sacred ritual in America this weekend. Supposedly it consisted of humans gathering in big groups with large amounts of fried food and chips, watching sweaty, muscled meatsacks ripping the flesh from a large hog, then tossing the resulting oblong wad back and forth. It is supposed to confirm masculinity, and geeks like me (particularly rather NON-masculine geeks like me) are generally not welcome at such events. Somehow, though, I found myself attending one this past Sunday, partly to satisfy my morbid curiosity.

You’d think, having lived here all my life, that I’d be more familiar with this religious ceremony. Instead, I spent the evening staring at the proceedings with a kind of horrified fascination.

I’d been invited by friends. These are people I see on a fairly regular basis. We’ve known one another for years. I know their hobbies, their likes, dislikes, their dreams, their fears…but I did not recognize the people I sat with during this game of feet and balls as the friends I’ve known so long and well.

“We’re having the party more to watch the commercials than the game. Most of us aren’t big football fans,” they said. So I attended expecting food, camaraderie, and boisterous conversation. What I got?

Oh, there was food. Plates piled high with offerings to the gods of feet and balls–chips, barbeque wieners, pretzels, sodas. But the camaraderie and boisterous conversation? I began to worry I’d stepped into a cult gathering. There was no punch bowl, luckily. When the “game” started, my lively, entertaining friends became fixated on the TV, jaws hanging open, possibly with little streams of drool running out. I don’t know. I kept my distance. When they spoke, it was to yell obscenities at the screen. Anyone making a comment unrelated to the happenings on the television was largely ignored.

I avoided looking at the screen which had turned my friends into grunting shells of humans. Something wasn’t right here.

Then the twisted ritual of men dogpiling onto each other and patting each other on the buttocks (”But we’re not gay, no, even though we grope each other and shower together and sleep together and live together on the road, why won’t you BELIEVE us?!”) was interrupted by advertisements for OTHER arcane, evil rituals. That was when things got really scary.

As soon as the ads started, my once-friendly comrades started angrily shushing the few brave souls who’d tried to engage in the “boisterous conversation” I’d come to this party specifically to experience. The vehemence made no sense to me; the DVR was recording the game. If you missed a few seconds, couldn’t you just pause during the brief conversations and then rewind so everyone who wanted to could see? (And they did rewind for particularly amusing ads people wanted to see again. Frequently.) I had been pretty quiet since the game began, unsettled by the rapt attention my pals were giving the talky box and not to one another. I made a silent note not to speak for the rest of the evening, fearing for my safety.

And what was happening on the screen wasn’t holding my attention at all. Even the famous “Super Bowl ads” were more annoying than entertaining–and what was up with the steady theme of emasculation in them this year, anyways? Maybe I was immune to the spell that hypnotized the rest of the room. I wasn’t going to give it a chance to seize me, either. About forty-five minutes into the satanic ritual, I quietly snuck my roomie’s PSP out of my bag, found a mercifully open outlet for the adapter, and began to play the Second Quest of The Legend of Zelda. (If the PSP serves any use beyond playing old Nintendo-console games, I haven’t found it.)

The ceremony continued. The angry comments at the screen continued. The impolite shushing of conversation for Commercial Time continued. After an hour or two, someone remarked that I must be bored because I wasn’t watching the game. I froze, taking a hit from an Ironknuckle in the process. Caught! I wondered if I would leave this place whole, or even alive. I quickly mumbled some lie about pausing the game to watch the ads, and this seemed to satisfy the others. Or maybe they were so deep under the TV’s spell that they couldn’t bear to look away for long. Either way, they left me alone then. I gave a discreet sigh and continued playing, only mildly annoyed that I now had to go looking for Hearts to get my sword-laser back.

And so it went. When my friends weren’t shouting vulgarities at the screen, they were hissing venom at each other for commercials. I finished one dungeon, then a second, and began looking for the White Sword and the Blue Ring.

Then several people behind the couch began having a conversation during the game. Was the spell breaking? One of them asked me a question while the others kept talking. Cautiously, I started to answer–unfortunately, just as commercials started. “SHHHHHHHHH! Shut up! Commercials!” someone at the far end of the room hissed rather pissily. I wasn’t sure if they were talking to the others, who were sitting right next to him, or to me across the room.

But I was getting pretty angry myself. I had had enough of this satanic event turning my friends into angry d-bags, when I’d come for a party. And if they were talking to me, who was that, to tell a supposed friend to shut up when they’re trying to be polite and answer a question? I shot an obscene phrase at him under my breath just in case he was addressing me, something I won’t repeat here, but which rhymed with “Ducking dock writer.” Luckily for my life and limb, everyone else had been enraptured by the TV again and didn’t hear. I muttered angrily, and started to go back to my much more important NES game–only to realize that I had just been as ferocious as everyone around me. Cold fear stabbed through me. Was the TV’s spell reaching out to me as well now?

There was only one way to resist–I buried myself in the magical Land of Hyrule and didn’t look up for the rest of the evening. By the time I had finished the third dungeon and acquired several hidden items in the Overworld, the evil game on TV was over, and I was safe. I cheered along with the others, but for different reasons.

And now the spell was broken. My friends were acting like friends again!–for the five minutes it took them to gather their coats and leftover food and exit out the door. Ah, well. At least they were all safe and whole again, and perhaps more amazingly, *I* was safe and whole.

I was happy. I said my goodnights and goodbyes and hurried out to the car. Once inside, I realized I had finally, truly escaped the wicked spell of the Super Bowl…until next year, that is. I would have to prepare intensely between now and then in order to better resist Super Bowl 2011’s occult charms.

I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough. 2011 may be the end of me.

At least I finished three dungeons in Zelda.

(P.S. This was a work of humourous fiction. The party and people in this post should not be mistaken for the party and people that I actually rocked out at/with. But writing an epic tale of struggle and betrayal and redemption is far more interesting than writing “I went to a Bowl party, it was fun, Betty White is hardcore, we ate too much, I played Zelda, and then we all went home!”)

Greetings, Station!

The other day I was listening to the Tenacious D song “Beezleboss (The Final Showdown)” from the soundtrack to Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, a movie which no one saw (as evidenced by the abysmal box office numbers).  Despite its lower-than-lackluster performance, I found the film to be a fun romp in the spirit of the rock band misadventure movies of old.  And being a fan of Tenacious D itself (comprised of Jack Black and Kyle Gass), it was only natural that I picked up the soundtrack to the film.  While it isn’t as good as their first album, “PoD” still contains plenty of little musical gems.  One of my favorites is the afore-mentioned “Beezleboss”.

The song retells a slightly altered version of the story regaled in the previous D song “Tribute” – JB and KG get involved in a “rock-off” with the Devil.  The stakes?  If The D wins, Satan must go back to Hell… and he has to pay Jack and Kyle’s rent.  If Beelzebub wins, he gets to take KG back to Hell with him to be his slave (and not the indentured servitude kind, either).

With the stakes in place, the rock-off commences.  Satan begins with an epic, dark mass of metal proportions.  Tenacious D reciprocate with a fairly inspirational effort, but to no avail.  The Devil wins and prepares to take Kyle back to his domain for eternity.

But wait!  At the last minute, Jables intervenes, causing the Beezleboss to break off a piece of his own horn.  With that piece in Black’s possession, he is able to command the Devil to go back to Hell once more until he is “complete again”.

So, I’m listening to this song and the thought occurs to me – most tales that chronicle Ol’ Scratch competing for a mortal’s soul seem to paint him in the same manner in order to sell the message that good always triumphs over evil.  He’s almost always painted as an honor-bound entity that can be easily beaten by someone with enough talent, hard work, and moxie.

Wait, what?  Hold on a minute.  This is the same guy who had the molten stones to challenge The Big Man.  Sure, he lost and was cast out of St. Peter’s jurisdiction, but he obviously had enough power to challenge George Burns in the first place.  You don’t make such a bold gesture unless you know for certain that you got the Mana to do so.

Plus, Lucifer is also a master of deception.  He managed to fool the first man and woman with fruit.  The guy’s got some serious ad executive powers going on if he can sell a couple of nudists on foliage sweets.  Come to think of it, this isn’t all that different from the supernatural ability Steve Jobs has to convince people to buy things like iPads.

Wait… Steve Jobs… Apple…

Mind = blown.  Where was I again?

Oh yeah… So, The Dark Lord is obviously a master manipulator.  There’s a reason why he is called The Master of Lies – the guy uses words to confuse, deceive, delude, dupe, fool, gull, hoax, hoodwink, kid, snow, take in, trick, intrigue, machinate, plot, scheme, arrange, contrive, devise, finesse, mastermind, cheat, chisel, defraud, fleece, gyp, hustle, and swindle (thanks, Merriam-Webster!).  He’s always in it for his own ends and he does whatever is necessary to get what he wants.

This means that there is no way in Hell (pun intended) anyone like Charlie Daniels or Ralph Macchio could ever hope to defeat him in a one-on-one.  It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much spirit you poured into your efforts.  The Devil can say whatever he wants.  He could play two plunky chords off- key while you play Vivaldi backwards with your butt cheeks.  He’ll declare himself the winner no matter what.  It’s what he does.  Say goodbye to your soul, Karate Kid, because no amount of Crane Kicks or Drum Techniques or Lipton Brisk Iced Tea will save you from spending an eternity waxing on and waxing off The Prince of Evil.

Now, I’ll give “Beezleboss” some credit.  Despite the fact that the Source of All Evil adheres to a “demon code”, the song (as well as the final scene of the movie, which is where the song comes from) does finally illustrate that The D had no chance of winning a rock-off against The Dark One.  Even the “Real Ghostbusters” episode “Night Game” had a better understanding of how things should work when you compete against dark forces.  Granted, Winston was playing baseball against your more run-of-the-mill demons, but the ump still recognized that evil was free to cheat and play as dirty as it wanted (well, at least as dirty as a Saturday morning cartoon can get).  Of course, in the end good still won, despite the fact that the evil demons cheated the hell out of that game.

Don’t get me wrong.  I completely understand the intention behind the way these stories are told.  Triumph of the human spirit against the forces of evil and the belief that we are inherently good enough to conquer our own (metaphorical) inner demons is a popular trope that’s never going away.  As a society we need to be able to watch movies and television shows, listen to music, and read books and comics that remind us no matter what dark paths we go down or what nefarious entities we meet, we still have a chance and the power within us to punch old Beelz in the front-flow and scream “Adrian!” in triumph.

It’s just that every once in awhile I would like to see Mephisto with his Adamantium cup on.

The Don went down to Georgia.  Her mother didn’t approve.

Greetings, Ko-Dan Armada!

You may remember that last fall I brought you my picks for the fall television shows worth watching in the 2009-2010 season.

It’s not over yet.

U.S. networks like to do this little thing called “mid-season replacements”.  For the broadcast networks, this usually means they replace a show that’s been performing weakly in the fall in January with another show that’s been sitting in their coffers with the hopes that it will do better ratings-wise.  This is not only a big middle finger to the show being replaced, but is kind of a back-handed middle finger to the show doing the replacing, as the replacement show was considered not good enough to start in the fall season in the first place.

Cable networks, on the other hand, view mid-season shows a little differently.  Cable, in their efforts to compete with the “big dogs”, like to schedule many of their shows to start in the spring or summer and end in the fall or winter.  This is so they can pull in all the viewers that would most likely be watching repeats on the major networks.

What this causes is a kind of television symbiosis.  Everyone benefits, no one gets screwed over (except Conan).

I just happen to have two more picks for this television season, one from each category:

“Chuck”

What else can I say about this show?  I think I made my point clear last spring when I went out and bought a five dollar foot long at Subway in order to help keep this show on the air.  Turns out NBC let us believe that the ploy worked, and “Chuck” was renewed for a third season.  Unfortunately, NBC pulled a Monkey’s Paw on the fans and decided not to air it until March.

The television gods must also like five dollar foot longs, because suddenly – like an astromech droid suddenly popping off with a bad motivator – NBC suddenly decided a couple months ago to jettison a couple of their shows that they deemed to expensive or weak ratings-wise.  This paved the way for “Chuck” to have its premiere moved to January.  And there was much rejoicing (yaaaaaaay).

And so far, the show has continued to deliver.  With the main character’s abilities cranked up a notch, the show has also upped the ante character and plot wise.  Add to that some surprisingly impressive guests stars, and “Chuck” continues to be a solid, fun show to watch.

“Burn Notice”

I’ve written about this show before, as well.  When I did my first “Autumn” article last fall, one of the comments I received was that I forgot to include this show.  Not at all.  I just had to wait to include it since it is technically a mid-season series.

And what a series it is.  I managed to catch a random episode of this last year and I was hooked.  I was already about two and a half seasons behind, so I had a lot of catch-up to play.  I ended up marathonning the sucker.  Worth every hour of therapy.

This show continues to exhibit some really tight writing combined with a stellar main cast.  Everyone is simply a pleasure to watch do their thing.  Finding myself literally on the edge of my seat during every episode, “Burn Notice” has the perfect amount of tension, suspense, humor, and drama.  And I can’t mention this enough: it has Bruce Campbell.

With the way the current television climate is… okay, I’m sorry.  There’s just no way I can end this article that will be able to measure up to mentioning the Almighty Chin himself.  It’s impossible.  I just can’t do it.

So instead, I will let the man himself take us out:

The Don has… no.  No.  I just can’t do it.  Bruce Campbell!

It’s that time again! And seeing as all my previous notes for Spwug articles, webcomic reviews, and other whatnot are still inaccessible to me (and no, we can’t just transfer them to this computer right now, for reasons), you get a new batch this week…of filler!

Entirely by coincidence, I’ve seen more of Adam Baldwin in one weekend than I’ve seen over the past year, via Firefly and the season premiere of Chuck. I’ma gonna ramble about the first of those two shows—yes, I really did go this long without seeing Firefly and its movie, Serenity. This article is really an Opinion After the Fact and not much of a review at all, since there’s probably no need for me to go into character descriptions and plot for a show that you’ve likely already seen, or at least heard about, and you’ve probably already made up your mind on its merits.

What was my verdict, after watching the Joss Whedon work that was repeatedly urinated upon by FOX (c’mon, is anyone REALLY surprised that a network now hiring Sarah Palin screwed up?), resurrected by the fans, then killed again? Well, I had a blast watching it. I can see why it’s so loved. The character dialogue and interactions were brilliant for the most part. When you watch the show, you stick around because the scenes are so wonderfully written. Great jokes, deep insights, usually realistic reactions to dangerous situations…the characters really are people and not just characters, and that’s what make the show truly live. My better half and I did spend the series playing the “Hey! I saw that part in Cowboy Bebop/Outlaw Star” game, although of course it could be said that those two shows in turn lifted some of their own moments from previous works, and so on down the line. (The “game” is not a complaint, by the way. It was fun.)

At the same time, though, I can see why it got cancelled (twice). What didn’t I like?

There were times when people behaved slightly against their grain so as to not to move the plot along too quickly, which would occasionally bring things into cliché territory. This usually happened via Malcolm Reynolds not living up to the “shoot first” attitude that made him such an interesting character in the first episodes.* Naturally, the Bad Guy that Mal didn’t kill would then come back to haunt the ship’s crew, only to end up getting killed by Mal after all, roll credits. Not terribly original. Meanwhile, this being a Joss Whedon creation, you of course had the required “main character dies a stupid death for absolutely no good reason” in Serenity. (HARPOON!) Maybe it would have made more sense and had more impact if we’d had seasons and seasons of episodes and character development leading up to it, instead of a single random act?

* Some of the villains Mal “killed” were supposed to come back later in the series. But since the series HAD no “later”, this little point becomes moot.

In other issues I had, the worlds visited were all largely identical, being mostly either barren dustballs or barren ice worlds due to lack of budget—on the flip side, the inside of the ship Serenity was so detailed that it really was, as a DVD extra calls it, the tenth character. Then there’s River Tam, the very annoying know-it-all character whose mental imbalance shouldn’t be an excuse for her behaviour–and really, The Mysterious Girl Is Always the Key to Everything has already been done in nearly every sci-fi creation known to man. And of course, the “united government that rules everything on all worlds is evil and corrupt” recurring theme is another standard sci-fi cliché. It didn’t seem to fit in so well with the episodic unrelated criminal capers the main cast got up to regularly.

And I think that was the show’s Achilles heel. All the brilliant dialogue in the world can’t save you from a story that’s been done many times before and doesn’t give any indication of being done in a unique manner this time. I really believe that, if the show had lasted, it would have been a FUN ride and more than worth the price of admission. But at the end, it likely wouldn’t have been the space dramedy roller coaster to end all space dramedy roller coasters. The show deservedly has a lot of rabid fans. But I also think that intense love for many is bolstered by the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” sentiment as only the word “CANCELLED” can bring.

I still think anyone who likes a good sci-fi show should watch Firefly, because it was very good. Yeah, I just wrote a list of complaints up there, but for the most part, they’re pretty minor. Besides, that’s what I DO. I warn you what to expect. The show is awesome. But if you haven’t seen it, don’t go in expecting any surprises. Expect fun dialogue, fun Western-style shootouts, fun criminal capers, crossdressing, fancy guns, toy dinosaurs, and, if you’re just the shallow type, eye-candy in the form of naked Mal (according to many fangirls) or the lovely Companions (according to many fanboys)…just don’t call them whores. (The Companions, that is. Although I’m sure Mal would take some offense to the term himself, despite using it on his own Companion comrade/not-so-seekrit love interest regularly.)

Yep, if you’re like me and you never get around to watching something unless everyone you know is still raving about it years later, the Firefly series is an excellent one to add to your Netflix queue. But don’t take my (many) words for it. How about some YouTube examples of the previously-mentioned great spoken lines?

A Powerful Ugly Creature – posted by gouhibiki

“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” – posted by foxabulous

“What’d y’all order a dead guy for?” – posted by gouhibiki

Join us next time, when I’ll probably have yet another random article whilst waiting for the new computer’s parts to arrive!

Seasons Greetings, Chipmunks and Chipettes!

As you’re reading this, it should be Christmas Eve.

Hang on…

Sorry.  I had to take a moment to laugh at the idea of anyone being around to read this on Christmas Eve.  But still, as part of the season of giving I feel it would be unfair of me if I didn’t offer up something to stick in your Spwugnerian stockings.  I’ve noticed that my last couple of holiday offerings were in the form of lists, and since old Kringle himself is a fan of checking such things twice I figured it would keep in the spirit of the season to do another as the last of my Christmas-themed articles for the year.

This time, I offer up my top five favorite Christmas songs:

5. “It’s Christmas All Over the World” – Sheena Easton

I’m a child of the 80s.  Most people know that.  Growing up, I had a HUGE crush on Sheena Easton – her voice, her Scottish accent, and her… hotness.  I will admit that I have a couple of her songs on my iPod.  So, when she did this little ditty for the film Santa Claus: The Movie, I knew I had to have it.  I really love this song.  It’s the epitome of 80s Christmas music – it’s an 80s ballad and a Christmas song all in one.

4. “Christmas Time is Here” – Vince Guaraldi

Christmas just isn’t Christmas without this timeless, holiday classic.  “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is one of my favorite Christmas specials, and both the vocal and instrumental version of this song immediately get me into the Christmas spirit.

3. “Christmas at Ground Zero” – “Weird Al” Yankovic

“Weird Al” is still one of my favorite artists to this day, and this song is still one of his best originals.  Combining yuletide festivities with nuclear Armageddon, this song manages to make me laugh every time I hear it.  This song has to be on my playlist; it just isn’t Christmas without it.

2. “Winter Wonderland” – The Eurythmics

Yeah, I know… I’m a sucker for 80s music, and that more than includes 80s Christmas music.  This is probably my favorite version of this holiday tune.  It’s just infused with so much energy.  Annie Lennox is clearly having a lot of fun, and it’s infectious.

1. “O, Holy Night” – Johnny Mathis

For me, Johnny Mathis is Christmas.  His Christmas music was a staple of our household growing up.  Every Christmas morning, my brother, sister, and I were awakened to the sounds of Johnny crooning his magical holiday tunes.  To this day, every time I hear one of his songs I feel like a kid again.  Because of how much I enjoy his entire collection, I had a hard time picking just one song to represent my number one.  In the end, I chose “O, Holy Night” simply because I think it is one of the best renditions of the song out there.  Johnny’s crescendo in the final notes of the song is just so powerful and touching, it gives me shivers.

And there you have it, folks – my last Christmas article for 2009.  I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday.  For those that don’t celebrate, have a happy Friday.  Woot to the weekend!

I leave you with one last prezzie.  Remember the LEGO Advent Calendar?  Here it is in full glory, all its secret nooks and crannies revealed (make with the clicky to see it larger):

The Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la fa-la-la la la la…

Greetings, Koopa Troopas!

Last month I got to see the most recent iteration of what has become a classic staple of the holidays – A Christmas Carol.  I believe Krellion posted a review of the film here within the hallowed halls of Spwug.  I, myself, enjoyed the latest incarnation of the yuletide tale.  As far as the CGI was concerned, it was impressive – proof that technology continues to get consistently better with every attempt at completely rendering the human condition onscreen.  That combined with the 3-D aspect made for a very entertaining experience.

As for the story itself, I’ll admit that it didn’t quite make my top three favorite versions of A Christmas Carol.

Now, the fact that I even have a top three implies that I tend to watch A Christmas Carol a lot.  That would not be an incorrect assessment.  I love A Christmas Carol.  It is probably, by far, my favorite holiday story of all time.  If there be a version of it out there, I’ve seen it.  From Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol to An American Christmas Carol (with Henry Winkler!), I’ve seen almost every incarnation of this classic.

Why does this particular seasonal exemplum fascinate me so?  As some of you might already know, Charles Dickens originally wrote this narrative as a social commentary against industrial capitalism, based on the awful financial experiences that he and his family had to endure during his childhood, as well as the terrible conditions Dickens witnessed in his travels later in life.  For me, however, this story boils down to one, simple thing:

Redemption.

I’m a sucker for stories that involve a character’s journey into becoming a better person.  It’s one of the reasons I’m still a sucker for Return of the Jedi, despite Empire being the better film (that, and the fact that I’m still a fan of the Original Trilogy).  It’s also an aspect of character development that I love to include whenever possible in my own writings.  And A Christmas Carol is simply one of the best stories of redemption out there.  It’s so well-loved that the book has never gone out of print, and continues to get adapted in various formats every year.

Now, add to that character journey a dash of the supernatural element and you have a story that completely pulls me in.  Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve read the original work of fiction or how many different adaptations I watch in theaters or on TV, the story itself always feels fresh to me – like I’m experiencing it for the first time.  I eagerly travel through the narrative with our main character each time, cringing at his callous nature every time he utters his famous catchphrase, feeling moved with each revelation that penetrates though his thick skull and hardened heart, and sharing his exultation when he discovers that he has been saved from eternal damnation.  For me, experiencing A Christmas Carol every year is much like the excitement one might see in a child as he or she eagerly opens his or her gifts on Christmas morning.

Now, with all of that said, let me delight you with my top three favorite versions of A Christmas Carol.  This list only includes direct adaptations of the original tale.  Scrooged, although one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time, isn’t included because it plays with the mythos within its own universe:

3. A Christmas Carol (1938)

Starring Reginald Owen as the miser himself, this really isn’t the best adaptation out there.  In fact, this version ends up leaving a lot of the darker themes due to the fact that the studio at the time wanted to keep it as a family picture.  Despite its flaws, I find this to be my favorite of the old black-&-whites – even over the better and more popular film with Alastair Sim as Scrooge.  I think my reasons for liking this one so much can be boiled down to the simple facts that 1.) I found Owen to be far more gruff and convincing Scrooge than Sim, and 2.) This version seemed to air a lot more frequently where I grew up, so it became a regular part of my childhood Christmases.

2. A Christmas Carol (1984)

This made-for-television incarnation of the book was my favorite for the longest time, until my number one pick came out years later.  Starring George C. Scott as Ebenezer, this film also had the distinction of casting well-known British thesps David Warner (Time Bandits, Star Trek V) as Cratchit and Edward Woodward (The Equalizer, Hot Fuzz) as The Ghost of Christmas Present.  I loved this one especially because this one got especially dark and ominous during Scrooge’s first night when Marley comes calling, as well as when the last spirit torments him into redemption.  This was the first iteration I saw that actually got scary.  Plus, I love Scott’s performance as Scrooge.  Still, it can only hold a candle to my favorite adaptation:

1. A Christmas Carol (1999)

This one is, in my opinion, the best adaptation of the original Dickens tale hands down.  Another made-for-television movie, this version of Carol aired on TNT and starred Captain Jean-Luc Picard himself in the lead role.  Having already proven that he could do the whole story himself as a one man show, Patrick Stewart brought his master thespian bag to the table in this well-crafted TV movie.  This is the one that I refuse to miss each year, it’s just that damn good.  Every actor cast for the film brought their A-game to the table.  To this day, I still get choked up when The Ghost of Christmas Past shows Scrooge the scene where his younger self’s fiancé absolves him of his vow to her.  Stewart’s Scrooge breaks down in a fit of regretful tears as he tries desperately to plead to his unhearing counterpart to “Go after her!”  His performance alone is enough to raise this version above all others, as well as make me want to see his one man performance of the material badly.

It has been a few years since a new attempt at A Christmas Carol has managed to usurp my previous favorite to become my new number one.  The latest CGI release wasn’t quite up to snuff, but that certainly doesn’t mean I won’t be adding it to my Blu-Ray pile come next Christmas.  I am a sucker for this tale, after all.

The Don got the biggest goose in all of London.  She didn’t do it for cheap.

Greetings, Ka-Nights!

I’m sure most of you out there had your own, personal Jesus Red Ryder BB Gun – that one item or items that you had to have for Christmas.  Maybe it was a racing set, or a certain action figure.  Maybe it was a Cabbage Patch Kid, or a Tamagotchi.  Or, maybe you just got dirt, and you were happy to receive that dirt.  Whatever your personal windmill was each Christmas, nothing ever matched the feelings that swept over you when you finally got to that one present that looked like it might be the right size and shape of what you had been yearning for all year.  You look it over carefully, curiously… wondering if pinning all your seasonal hopes and dreams on this wrapped box of secrets would be worth the risk of possible disappointment.

You slowly undo the first tab of tape, cautiously tearing at the paper…

… and catch your first glimpse of the box underneath…

Your eyes open wide in feverish glee as you suddenly tear faster faster faster…

You got it!  You got…

…socks.

Then your dad laughs and hands you the package that really has the item you’ve been wanting since you saw that commercial cartoon back in January.  It doesn’t matter that your dad is a malicious deceiver of men.  You got what you asked Santa for.  It’s yours!

Five minutes later, you see something on TV that you just have to get next Christmas, your current acquisition just a fuzzy memory…

I know I had quite a few must-haves on my list growing up.  In fact, even at the age of thayunasflakhfy-fqtlkdur, I still end up every year with that one item that I just need for Christmas.  So, as a tribute to the endless quest that many of us embark on annually, I present you with my top five Holy Grails from my childhood:

5. “M.A.S.K” Toys

I remember the first time I saw the “M.A.S.K.” cartoon when I was a kid.  It came on around 6:30 AM (in 1985 time) on one of our local stations and I would watch it every morning before school.  For someone who was already into vehicles that transformed into something else, this show was cool!  The premise was that a special task force called M.A.S.K. (Mobile Armored Strike Kommand) led by Matt Tracker was created to defend the world against an evil terrorist organization called V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem), which was led by Miles Mayhem.  Both good guys and bad had vehicles that transformed into other vehicles, and all the operatives wore masks that had special abilities.  Of course, like all cartoons of this nature that we grew up with, the cartoon was really just a half hour long commercial that sold us toys.

And man, these toys were awesome.  The first vehicle I ever got was Condor – a green motorcycle that turned into a helicopter.  Included was the driver, Brad Turner, whose mask could project lifelike holograms (only for pretendsies).  My friends and I all collected them, and we spent many hours creating our own adventures.

By the second season of the show, the direction of the plot had changed and the characters were suddenly ripping off “Speed Racer”, as the good guys entered race after race against the bad guys for some item that would be deadly in the wrong hands.  The vehicles were still cool, but the line would die off quickly after the show started to suck.  This Holy Grail has the distinction of being one that I’ve reignited my efforts in finding recently.  I have managed to procure two vehicles so far, and am looking to rebuild my collection.

4. CD Boom Box

Sometime in the late 80s/early 90s, CD’s started to make their way into mainstream use for music lovers everywhere.  It was sometime around 1992 that I wanted to get in on this new medium.  I mean, cassette tapes were fine and all, but CDs allowed you to skip to the next song without having to fast forward through the current one!  No more wasting time cueing through tape just to get to a favorite song or to get past a bad one.  With the touch of a button, you could go right to the track you wanted.  Heck, you didn’t even have to listen to songs in the order that they were put on the album anymore!  The Compact Disc revolution gave us the freedom to choose!

It also re-introduced a feature that our parents were familiar with and that we would constantly gripe about – skipping.  Oh yeah, one bump and you just “time-traveled” a second or two into the future of the song you were listening to.  Or, you could revisit the same two second you just heard.  Top notch!

Despite the minor annoyances with the technology, I was extremely excited when I unwrapped that bad boy on Christmas Day, along with a couple of carefully chosen CD selections that would be my introduction to digitally-recorded music.  You know what I did then?

I made mix tapes for my Walkman from those CDs.

3. Star Wars Toys

Anyone who knows me knows I am a HUGE Star Wars fan, despite the prequels.  From the time my parents took me to see the first film (that’s Episode IV: A New Hope to you yung’uns) in theaters at the age of three, I lived and breathed everything Star Wars.  Bed sheets, actions figures, pajamas, cups – you name it, I probably had it.  Every Christmas from 1978 to 1984 saw some assortment of Star Wars merchandise under our tree.  I still have the very first action figure I ever got – a Stormtrooper.  His legs are a wee bit wobbly and he looks like he was dragged behind a bantha for several miles, but I still have him in a box somewhere.

Sadly, by summer of 1985 the toy line would be discontinued.  It had been two years since Jedi premiered in theaters, and a year since it was brought back into theaters for an encore showing.  With the final movie come and gone, interest in the franchise waned considerably.  And so, my ten year old self was left with a gaping hole of no toy series to love (that would quickly be filled not too long after by Transformers, M.A.S.K., Thundercats, Silverhawks, and The Real Ghostbusters toys, to name a few).

I still have the very last figure that was bought for me also – Lando Calrissian in his general uniform, complete with cloth cape.  No Lando… Han won’t have that shield down in time this time…

2. Nintendo Entertainment System

Some of you might remember that I wrote about this as part of my Christmas series last year.  For those that haven’t, you should really go back and read all three of them.  They’re quite good.

I won’t rehash too much since this is ground already covered, so instead I will give you the short version (in rhyme):

Atari 7800 is what I had,

Then I saw my friend’s system and it made me sad.

Nintendo made a console that blew mine away,

Five minutes with Mario and I wanted to stay.

I pleaded with my folks to get us a NES,

But we were too poor; man our life was a mess.

It would be many months before I could play,

So I was over at my friend’s house every day.

We’d play Mario and Popeye and Donkey Kong,

When’s Christmas get here? It’s taking too long!

Christmas finally came and within the first hour,

I was playing Nintendo; I was playing with Power!

1. Debbie

Okay, now we’re to the part where I get sentimental and mushy.  Too bad.  I have to say, without a doubt, the greatest Holy Grail I ever chased after and won was a girl.  And yes, it was around Christmas.

Debbie and I started out as friends in high school.  Her older sister was dating my best friend Chad.  Chad, his girlfriend and I were seniors, while Debbie was two years behind (Yes, that makes her two years younger than me.  Try and keep up.).  In an odd twist of fate (and some manipulation by Chad and Debbie’s sister), Debbie and I started dating.  I can go on record and say that she was, honestly, my first love.  I fell hard.  We were practically inseparable after that (to this day she is the reason I love when it rains).

Unfortunately, like in a Rankin and Bass holiday special, a nefarious scheme was hatched by some evil force to break us up.  And it worked.  I was devastated.  By this time I had graduated and was getting ready to go off to college.  I tried everything I could to get her back, but it just pushed her away more.  It got quite ugly.  So, despite being extremely broken hearted, I did the only thing left that I could do.

I let her go.

The fall semester flew by.  Before I knew it my first semester as a freshman was over and Christmas break was upon us.  I eagerly came home to enjoy my time off…

…only to find a letter waiting for me from Debbie asking me to meet her at the church we both attended regularly for that night’s service.  Reluctantly, I went.  When, what to my wondering eyes should appear… but an angel of a girl who had won my heart earlier that year.

She apologized sincerely, profusely, and several other important words that end in “-ly”.  Skeptical and still sore from the heart-wrenching, I wasn’t sure.  But, over the course of the next couple of weeks, she convinced me, and by Christmas we were together again.

Obviously, we didn’t end up together.  Things happen, as they often do.  We’ve both moved on to bigger and better things.  But, the reason she places at number one on my list of Holy Grails is this – for one, shining moment, Debbie made for me a Christmas that you normally only see in movies and read about in books.  That year my Christmas was one of merriment, magic and wonder – the kind that the hopeless romantic I was had always hoped for.

For once in my young life, I had chosen wisely.

The Don swears that he just has something in his eye.

Greetings, Sweet Pickles!

Thanksgiving is this Thursday for those of us living in the US of A (and for those who are celebrating outside the Oosa as well).  Since most of you will be busy eating, making festive (merry is for that other holiday that is on the other side of this one), and eventually allowing the combination of such dire delights to lull you into the deep, dark recesses of Comaville (and since Thanksgiving falls on a normal “Office” day), there will be no new article this week.

But, be not sad!  I will not leave you completely empty-handed (I know I stiffed you on the candy back on Hallowe’en.  I said I was sorry!).  To make it up to you, I present you with this paltry offering of textual-goodness.  And to sweeten the deal, I post this on Wednesday, so that reading this won’t make you experience your Thanksgiving feasts in reverse.  What goodies are contained herein?  Why keep reading to find out:

Last week I made another trip up to the Northern sector of Virginia.  This time it was to Luray, famed near and far for its endless supply of cave.  My reason for the visit – another film shoot.  This time, it was for a movie called Midnight in the Mortuary, a horror anthology film in the same vein as Creepshow or Tales from the Darkside: The Movie.

This time, however, the framing device that is to be used to usher in each story is none other than an old-school “Creature Feature Show, complete with host and side-kick!  Remember that article I wrote last year in October about the Horror Show host I grew up with, Dr. Paul Bearer?  Not only did his show inspire me to love horror films, but one of my childhood dreams was to become a Horror Show host myself.

That dream came to fruition last weekend.

The director, a good friend of mine named Matt, cast me to portray “Dr. Ghoulie”, host of “Creature Feature” show (within a show) “Midnight in the Mortuary”.  As host, it would be my responsibility to introduce each segment of the “show” in the movie.

*Cue child in me squeeing with glee*

We filmed in a “haunted house” that is in operation every October.  Luckily for us, we were able to use it for filming while it’s in the off-season.

The shoot was amazing.  My co-host was a hot little number named Phantasma.  We both got to ham it up for the camera, keeping in the spirit of the original “Creature Feature” programs of old.  To be honest, this is the most fun I have had on a film shoot so far.  It certainly helped to have such a great director, an incredibly attractive and talented co-host, and an awe-inspiring environment to play in.

The best part is that after the director watched the dailies, he made a firm decision that he would like to continue this as a web series, keeping me on as Dr. Ghoulie!  Once a month, I’ll be heading up to Luray to shoot show segments to serve as bumpers for whatever public domain horror flick we can get our hands on.

For me, it’s a dream come true.

I leave you with a promo pic of the new Duo Demento of the internet:

Everyone have a Happy Thanksgiving!  Everyone else have a Happy Thursday!

The Don will be right back after these messages…

Greetings, Kandarian Demons!

As I am sure you are all already well aware, Fox has cancelled “Dollhouse”.  And with that, another Joss Whedon creation meets an unfair and premature demise.

It’s unfortunate, really.  Joss has proven time and again that he has some damn good skills when it comes to making stuff up and putting it out there for the masses.  “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” were both extremely popular and well-written shows, each of which managed to last at least five seasons.  Then there’s Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog – a whimsical internet sensation crafted by Whedon during the WGA writers’ strike back in 2008.  It ended up winning multiple awards, including an emmy.

So, it’s obvious that Joss makes good product.  That being the case, why is it that his last two returns to the small widescreen have each met with failure?  Let’s look at what both shows have in common:

Fox… and Fox.

The first show Joss brought to the 20^th Century jag-offs was that ingenious little sci-fi/western show called “Firefly”.  What made that show work was not just Whedon’s typical mastery of character and dialogue, but also his ability to deftly handle combining two widely different genres into one entertaining show.

Sadly, Fox mishandled this one from the beginning.  First pre-empting it several times with their coverage of the World Series, “Firefly” was stuck on Friday nights – the place where shows go to die.  And to add insult to injury, Fox didn’t even show the episodes in order.  Skipping the two-hour pilot that would have introduced all of the characters, as well as get viewers properly acquainted with Joss’ new universe, the nutwork instead went with the second episode.  This caused a lot of viewers, including me, to scratch my head as I tried to figure out who everyone was and why things were the way they were.  Fox continued to show the episodes out of order until they finally made the decision to pull the plug, refusing to even show the last couple of episodes.  The salt – airing the full two-hour pilot after the cancellation was announced.  That’s showing them, Fox!

And now we have history practically repeating itself.  Once again, Joss Whedon has the plug pulled on a show that had the potential to be great.  Now, I know that he first season of “Dollhouse” wasn’t quite as brilliant as his previous bodies of work.  In fact, the first half of season one was kind of dull, with characters that were difficult to invest in.  Joss’ signature repartee was there, but it felt forced and ill-fitting with this cast of players.  Part of the problem stemmed from the fact that none of these characters seemed to embody that balance of dour and humor.  They were mostly dark.

The blame for this doesn’t rest solely on Whedon’s shoulders, if it lies with him at all.  Once again, the Fawkes network stepped in and did their usual meddling.  First, they made Joss rewrite and/or reshoot several episodes.  Joss has admitted in interviews that the first half of season one was different than what he wanted.  This would explain why the second half seemed to improve.  Then the “Dollhouse” was put where the last Whedonshow died a miserable death – on Friday nights.  Ratings remained abysmal even when the better half of the show aired.

But then, something incredible happened.  Despite bad ratings, “Dollhouse” was renewed for a second season.  Could it be that Fox was finally realizing how badly it kept screwing over the guy who created Captain Tightpants?

Nope.  Sorry.  Just a slight ray of hope only to be extinguished as the network that didn’t understand “Herman’s Head” put “Dollhouse right back on Friday nights.  From there, things continued to go downhill for the show, until Fox made it official a few weeks ago that they were canceling it.  Oh, I know – the official announcement was only made last week.  But Fox made it clear by their actions first – through TV spots announcing that new episodes would not be airing until December, filling their slot with repeats of “House”.  And further, they made it known that they would burn off the rest of the episodes in December.  That’s pretty much preparing the rope for the gallows.

So, here we are… another Joss Whedon show has been canceled.  It’s unfortunate, as the second season was really starting to amp things up.  I stuck with the show through the muck and mire and found myself really starting to like it by the time I got to the most recent new episode.  But once again, Whedon and his fans find themselves back to the drawing board.  As we wait to see what genius he can pull of next and where it might turn up, Joss bides his time until he can put something new out there for everyone to enjoy.  Question is, where will it turn up?

I think he should go back to the web.  His craft seems to work better there.  His fans have unlimited access to his work, and his art seems to thrive in that environment.  There is money and success to be had there if you know how to approach it correctly, and I think Joss has already proven that he knows how to do that.

He certainly seems to have a better grasp on it than Fox.

The Don needs his handler.

Welcome to this week’s post of my Geek Journal!

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Sorry about the lack of a post last week, I was quite busy helping the Tech Crew of Nekocon’s Main Events room. It was very tiring, but I’m happy to say that most things went off without a hitch.

I almost missed making this post as well; between almost getting swept away by the nor’easter that came out of the remnants of Ida (ok, not really, but I did see quite a bit of flooding), and keeping myself busy with some coding I had been meaning to do (when my power wasn’t out due to the former), I’ve been busy these past few days.

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Still running the release candidate of Windows 7; I’m hoping to be able to hold off changing over the release version until I get my new system built sometime early next year. Speaking of my new system, I decided that I’m going to try to go for one of the new six-core i7 processors instead of the current quad-core versions. Yeah, I currently don’t know what I’d do with all of them (with HyperThreading, it makes a total of 12 virtual cores), but I’m sure I’ll find something.

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I’m a fan of the TV series Numb3rs, and while the producers try to do their research, they don’t always get things right. Take, for instance, last week’s episode: The FBI is trying to find a couple of hackers and one of the characters suggests that they keep an eye out on Internet Relay Chat (IRC) for them. Now IRC is real, but some of the things mentioned about it in the episode aren’t completely true. The episode makes it seem like there’s only one IRC server on the internet (there are hundreds of different IRC networks, if not thousands), that it’s totally anonymous (not true on most networks), nothing is tracked (again, not true, some channels on IRC have bot programs whose purpose is to track stats of the channel), and that all users speak leet (yet again, not true; a lot of users just chat normally in their language of choice). Just remember that this is a TV show and sometimes (or most of the time) the facts are stretched to keep things interesting. Not to say that there aren’t IRC networks out there where this stuff isn’t true, but it is usually not the norm.

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That’s it for this week’s post!