Greetings, Warriors!!

There are two things that immediately spring to mind when I think about the Fester’s Quest game that came out for the NES back in the late eighties:

“Man, that was a great game!”

and

“$#*&@%#!!”

Released in 1989 by Sunsoft, Fester’s Quest was this little hidden gem of a game amongst the rest of the NES titles that came out that year.  Featuring an overhead layout (with a few scattered, first-person, dungeon crawl-like areas) and utilizing gameplay mechanics similar to the game Blaster Master, you controlled Uncle Fester as he ran around town trying to save it from and alien invasion.

While the gameplay was fun and the environment was visually stimulating, the game itself was quite – to put it mildly – challenging.

Between clunky movement and shooting mechanics, frequent and sometimes hard to avoid weapon degrade drops mixed in with the upgrade drops, and enemies that would pop up almost everywhere way too often, this game would frequently get very frustrating.  Yet, for some reason, I couldn’t stop playing it.  Thrown controllers aside (pun intended), I still enjoyed every minute of this game.  For me, at that young age, Fester’s Quest was different and inventive.  Plus, the fact that it was based on what was then a twenty-five year old, black and white television show impressed me.

Though I never actually owned Fester’s Quest, this cartridge has the distinction of being one of the few titles I rented repeatedly (well, as long as my parents had no problems paying for the rental and driving me to and from the rental place).  The first time I rented it, I remember picking up this title and the first Ducktales game.  I found myself enjoying both so much that I had a hard time choosing between the two to play.  I think the quirkiness and eccentricities of Fester’s Quest is what made it stand out for me, though, as well as what made it a constant on my video game rental list.

Before finishing this article, I decided to play it again just to see how it holds up.  It’s not as difficult as I remember, but it still can get frustrating as hell.  Part of the problem is the damn gun upgrades.  Until you upgrade to the best gun in the game, your projectiles tend to do some kind of wonky zig-zag or loop-de-loops as they head towards their target.  This can prove to be somewhat anger-inducing when you are in close quarters with some nasty alien varmints and your gun blasts keep getting stopped by the local shrubbery.  But you know what?  I still enjoyed the hell out of the game.  In fact, it took me at least an hour to get back to this article, I was having so much fun.

So, is Fester’s Quest as good as I remember?  Yup.  In fact, I’m going back to play it some more.

“$#*&@%#!!”

There goes another controller.

The Don is creepy and he’s kooky, he’s hairy like a wookiee, he’ll make you wanna pukee…

Greetings, Quintessons!

We’re all geeks, right?  I mean, that’s why we’re here…

*tumbleweeds*

But, I mean… we all like geeky things – toys, games, television shows, movies, food… it’s our bread and butter and it’s the reason why sites like Spwug exist.

*crickets*

Okay, staying on topic.  I find that as a fellow geek I’m always seeking out other outlets and communities for my passions and interests.  For the movie and TV geek in me, I visit (and blog for) CHUD.  For the comic book geek in me, I read Wizard.  For the action figure geek in me, I read Toyfare.  And for the disposal of nosy neighbors, I always pick up the latest issue of Chump Dumper Weekly.

Recently, I discovered the perfect magazine for a very specific geek niche – 1980s cartoons.  Created by English Renaissance man (he’s English and a Renaissance man, not an English Renaissance man… or maybe that’s true too…) James Eatock and launched in 2007, cereal:geek is a one hundred page magazine completely devoted to all things animated that came from that golden decade of DeLoreans and synthesizers.  Though the not-very periodic (there have only been five issues since 2007, with a sixth due out in June) is a bit pricey ($15, but you can find it for $12), it is completely ad-free.  That one hundred pages I mentioned?  All content!  That plus the fact that each issue doesn’t come out that frequently makes the higher price tag worthwhile.

Speaking of content, let’s dive into that.  The issue I picked up back in March (though it says second quarter, 2008 on the front) caught my eye for two reasons – one, it had The Real Ghostbusters on the cover; and two, the issue was dedicated to how horror themes were often used in a lot of the cartoons that came out of the 1980s.  Horror and animated series from my youth?  Sold!

But that’s not all!  The articles themselves were not only written by Eatock himself, but also by an incredible array of writing talent.  There are also contributions from folks in the biz, like Larry DiTillio and Robert Lamb, both of whom wrote episodes of the original He-Man cartoon.  And the articles themselves are like nothing I’ve ever read before.  Each one doesn’t really read like the type of piece you would find in a typical magazine.  Instead, the entire mag reads like you were sitting down and having a geeky conversation with your friends, discussing the merits and faults of the cel-drawn properties you grew up with and loved.  Every entry was a geekgasm in print form – from an in-depth analysis of the opening to the original Transformers cartoon to the usage of Cthulhu in The Real Ghostbusters to what an Indiana Jones cartoon might look like, the articles presented in cereal:geek are of the things real geeks talk about.  Throw in some stunning, original artwork of different cartoon characters every couple of pages, some interviews with people like Frank Welker, and you truly have a mega-magazine well-worth the quarterly cost of twelve to fifteen dollars.  And though it’s published in the UK, there are two ways to get it here: through the Previews catalogue at your local comic shop, or from the grahamcrackers.com website.

Final thoughts?  There has literally never been a magazine that I have ever read cover to cover… until now.  And this one-hundred-page, ad-free slice of gold is the exception.  It’s such an incredible celebration of a an extremely popular slice of geek culture that after reading it I was inspired to think that this is exactly the kind of spirit I would like to see the halls of Spwug become imbued with.

That’s a vision I plan on making a reality.

The Don remembers when Cookie Crisp had a wizard for a mascot.  That’s right – a wizard.

Greetings, Boglins!

I have to admit that I’m a wee bit off this week.  I feel a little disjointed, so to that end my thoughts are kind of a jumble.  I have ideas, but not enough to flesh them out to carry full articles on their own.

But never fear, my fellow Spwugnerians!  I can actually make this work for me.  In fact, it allows me to do the kind of articles I’ve found myself rather enjoying as of late.  So I bring you another installment of random bits that I affectionately refer to this week as “Bleeps, Sweeps, and Creeps”:

Iron Man 2

Got to see this over the weekend with DKM Marlink and a few other friends.  First, we watched the first film at my house, all the while making snide remarks about how Terrence Howard was going to be replaced later that evening when we got to the theater.  First film still holds up remarkably well.  It has to be one of my favorites, despite the weak third act.  As for the sequel?  Wow.  More of the same, and I mean that in a good way.  Downey Jr. proves once again that the talent is actually his and not from the drugs he lived in for years.  Cheadle was a great substitute for Howard in the role of James Rhodes.  Just a fun flick all over.  My only complaints were that the middle started to feel like it was plodding along (same complaint I had for The Dark Knight).  Plus, Mickey Rourke’s character kinda shows up in a blazing show-down, then takes a back seat for most of the film until the end.  Despite both flaws, the movie got back on its feet by the third act, which was a vast improvement over the first film.  Those who haven’t seen it – stay until after the end credits.  Just like Nick Fury’s spoiled surprise cameo at the end of the first Iron Man, there’s a cool little surprise at the end of this one (SPOILER ALERT: It’s Batroc the Leaper!*)

Farscape

I picked up the complete box set to the hit Sci-Fi (not SyFy) series Farscape about a month ago, and I’ve been pouring myself into it furiously.  I’m almost finished with the first season, and I’m impressed with just how well this show still holds up.  There’s definitely a reason why it was my favorite TV show during its run.  I’m falling in love with these characters all over again (I plan to ask them to marry me next week).  One of the things I like so much about the show is how much it captures the essence of what made the original Star Trek so great – a perfect mixture of straight-up action with episodes of weird crap happening to our main cast with a dash of some light sexiness.  Best feature on the DVD set so far?  Commentary by the creators and the two main cast members on an episode where they spend the entire running time explaining just why the episode is so abysmal.

Super Mario Bros. Galaxy 2

It’s almost here!  Are you ready?  Did you play the first one?  Weren’t the frikkin’ purple coin challenges hard?  How long has it been since you last played the first one?  Do you even remember whether or not you own a Wii?

Corkscrewed Over

Busch Gardens in Virginia, also known as Busch Gardens Europe, also known as The Belgians Were Bored With Just Being Known For Waffles So They Bought the Largest Brewery in America and This Park Got Thrown In For Free, also known as The Park That Had a Really Cool 3-D Ride in Ireland When Not Compared to Anything in Florida but Decided to Ditch it For a Non-3-D Borefest That Could Double as an Extended Promo for British Airways.

That’s a Reynolds Wrap!

Burt Reynolds has been cast as an ex-spy in the incredibly awesome TV series Burn Notice.  My greatest hope is that his cover name is Turd Fergeson.  And he wears a big cowboy hat.  ‘Cuz it’s funny.

Speaking of wrapping up…

The Don’s RADAR appears to be jammed.  Halle Berry.

*It’s totally not Batroc the Leaper!

Hallo again, you Spwuggy kids, you!

The three of you who read this column probably noticed the lack of updates last week. The short version is, when the temperature in the computer room is over 85°F, I don’t risk overheating the system by turning it on. Luckily, the responsible central air unit has been fixed, and we’re now back in business!

Let’s get right down to it with a newish feature I’d been wanting to implement since I first started writing for Spwug: MORE PURTY PICKCHURS. If my focus here is supposedly on webcomics, shouldn’t this column be more visual too? I kept putting it off because I had no working tablet or scanner. Finally, I had enough of waiting and started drawing in Photoshop.

After an hour of very painful hand-crabbing from gripping an ancient, unresponsive mouse, I remembered why I had put off drawing on the computer. But it was too late to stop, and you can now reap the dubious rewards of my agonizing labour! Everyone loves MS Paint-style pictures, right? So, let’s get started.

There’s a little television show called Stargate Universe. I doubt anyone here has heard of it. It’s not like geeks ever come to Spwug or anything. But if you have heard of this TV series that I understand is “science fiction”, you probably know that it’s not doing too well compared to its predecessors in the Stargate franchise. Fan and critic complaints range from too much drama, to not enough action, to “Syfy Channel sucks” (a very valid complaint), to excessive shaky-cam, to “Where the heck are all the aliens?!”

I agree with all of the above plus some. If my housemate didn’t keep recording this show on the DVR box, I wouldn’t have watched it past the first few episodes. But instead of just griping, I’ve decided to offer up some suggestions to make the show better. Get your pencils out and take notes, SGU writers. There’ll be a test on this later!

1: More alien action, please! In two seasons so far, we’ve had, what? Labrador Retriever-sized spiders in two episodes. A sandstorm that may or may not have actually been sentient. Neither one showed any sign of anything resembling intelligence compatible with that of the human characters (despite the fact that human intelligence also seems to be a lacking quality in the show, so you’d think they’d understand one another). Though I have this theory that the spiders weren’t REALLY bloodthirsty monsters trying to eat the faces of the stranded humans. They were just lonely and wanted new friends.

Then there was T-Rex’s doughier cousin for about fifteen seconds. I still don’t get why Scott wasted ammo and time shooting at the thing when he could’ve just escaped through the Stargate. Maybe the dino reminded him of his shameful Weight Watchers days.

The only intelligent aliens of note so far have been the anorexic “blues” that keep trying to steal the ship Destiny away from its human crew (who, it could be argued, stole the ship from the ascended Ancients who made it). They really haven’t done anything else of interest so far, unless you count competitive non-eating.

2: The military and civilians aboard Destiny should be allowed to decorate the ship, or at least their respective quarters. Seriously, now. Every single scene aboard the ship takes place in a setting of drab greys and the occasional blue-grey light. No wonder all anyone does is fight and/or cry. I’m surprised half the crew hasn’t committed suicide already. A little colour goes a long way, folks. Maybe some throw rugs and dried flowers. A splash of paint, a few family photos lining the halls, and you go from stranded victims to homeowners of the biggest and most fashionable estate known to mankind!

3: Dr. Nicholas Rush needs to decide which team he supports. I mean, come on, Nicky-baby! This sympathetic-villain-in-one-episode, antihero-in-the-next stuff was old last season. At least he and Colonel Young are no longer at each other’s throats every five minutes. (Kudos for the next pic go out to housemate Thoradin, whose idea of a D&D setting for Young and Rush was far more amusing than my original pic of Rush shouting about how he was going to hijack the ship’s systems to obey only him and then give everyone onboard the puppies he and his dead wife never got to have.) For some reason, this scene works best in my head in stick-figure format.

4: The final suggestion doesn’t need pictorial accompaniment. To save the Stargate franchise, Syfy should go back in time, NOT cancel Stargate SG-1, NOT cut its budget, and watch the money come rolling in. But we all know Syfy can’t do anything sensible, time travel or no. This is why The Lost Room still has never moved beyond a pilot miniseries.

Did you pay attention, Stargate Universe writers? I may have just saved your show there.

That’s it for this week. Tune in next time, when we may or may not have more hand/mouse-drawn pictures. It really depends upon how masochistic I’m feeling. You’ll just have to come see to find out!

Greetings, Pumpkinheads!!

Just when you thought I was finished talking about new television shows until fall (actually, I thought I was too), two more brilliant programs re-emerged on the RGB (RGBY if you’re George Takei) landscape this past week.  And since I love both of them, I had to share them with you.

It’s like an Easter miracle!

“Ashes to Ashes”

Anyone familiar with the British hit series “Life on Mars” (as opposed to the less-than-stellar US version that came out in 2008) also knows about the spin-off series “Ashes to Ashes”.  Where “Mars” was about a present day UK detective (Sam Tyler) who falls into a coma and wakes up in the 1970s, “Ashes” is about the police therapist assigned to Sam’s case who also falls into a coma when she is shot in the head by a criminal.  She, however, wakes up in the 1980s.  Both shows play up their combo sci-fi/period cop show elements well.  But whereas “Mars” had a more dour and subdued tone, “Ashes” plays more bright and flashy.  Of course both make total sense since they are each reflections of the decade they are set in.  Though “Ashes” doesn’t quite have the gravitas that “Mars” had, I still find myself enjoying the hell out of this show.  The premise fascinates me, and with the exception of the main protagonist – Alex Drake – a couple of the characters from the previous show carry over.  And one in particular makes it all worthwhile:

DCI Gene Hunt.

Philip Glenister is just so much fun to watch playing this tough-as-nails blowhard who has no problems playing things off-book.  His is a character that sets off a million whistles in a politically correct environment, but you can’t help but root for him.

“Ashes to Ashes” is in its third series (seasons are called series over there, like fries are called chips, chips are called crisps, and Americans are called confused), which will also be its last.  I actually don’t mind that.  I admire the Brits for being able to pull together serials that have a definite beginning, middle, and end.  It makes for less filler episodes.  Though I will be sad when this series reaches its final conclusion, I really hope it ends with a reappearance by Sam Tyler.

“Doctor Who”

I shouldn’t have to tell you about “Doctor Who”.  The only way you could possibly be unaware of the existence of “Doctor Who” is if you were grown in a clone farm and released yesterday (sorry, Gary821).

I was first hooked onto this show back when I was a kid.  It aired on our local PBS station.  Unfortunately, PBS only aired the Tom Baker run (fourth Doctor), which was already out of date by the time I was watching in the early 80s.  Still, I found the show to be ripe with low-budget charms, and the Doctor was nothing short of charismatic.  In fact, as a prime example of the well-known side-effect of becoming a “Doctor Who” fan, my first Doctor became my favorite.  I would eventually get to see episodes from all the different Doctors, but Baker was always my fave.

Until a couple of years ago.  When “Doctor Who” came back to televisions in 2005 after a sixteen year absence (with a brief pit stop over here in the US in 1996 for a horribly-done movie that is considered canon), Christopher Eccleston ushered in a new era of Doctors.  I liked his portrayal a lot, but after only doing one series there was just no way to see just how well he could have made the role his own.

Bring in his replacement – David Tennant – regenerating in as the tenth incarnation (I love the fact that David’s nickname of Tennie works on two levels).  I had a hard time warming up to him at first, but once he managed to get comfy in his skin he was quite a brilliant Doctor, quickly replacing Baker as my favorite (and that wasn’t as easy a feat to accomplish as you might think).  Combining wide-eyed wonder with a manic streak, a cheeky sense of humor and a smidge of darkness underneath, Tennant gave us a well-rounded and fun, yet dramatic take on the Time Lord.

Sadly, Tennant finally stepped down at the end of last year with the last of his 2009 specials.  As I’ve reported before, his replacement was a relatively unknown bloke by the name of Matt Smith.  The youngest actor to date to ever slip on the Time Lord’s footwear, Matt’s Doctor debuted this past weekend in the UK.  Despite my love for Tennie, I was curious and intrigued by the new guy.  I was definitely looking forward to what he would bring to the character.

I was not disappointed.  At all.  Bringing a little bit of Troughton’s Doctor into his personality, Smith plays the “odd Doctor” to the hilt, more so than either Tennant or Eccleston did.  He’s quirky, he’s cheeky, and his complete demeanor just seems to run off-kilter to the world(s) around him.

And I like it.  I don’t know that he’ll have the same impact on me that the tenth incarnation had, but never say never.  I mean, I never expected any Doctor to dethrone my affection for Tom Baker’s.  Am I excited to see what else he’s got up his sleeve?  Oh, abso-flogging-lutely.  He’s going to be a fun Doctor to have adventures with.  And with Steven Moffat (arguably the best writer the new serials have had) now the head writer of the show, “Doctor Who” has the potential to be the best it’s ever been.  I eagerly anticipate each episode.  And though I’m looking forward to where the show goes from here, I still miss Tennant.  It will take quite a bit to make me say “David who?”

On the other hand, the Doctor’s new companion does have me asking “Rose whatnow?”  Red-headed, strong-willed, smartly-written, Scottish cuties for the win!

The Don is only on his third regeneration.  He leads a boring life, and the last two regens were due to stupid accidents.

Greetings, Boxcar Children!

I’m kind of taking the week off (but not really) since my birthday is this weekend.  That’s right, everyone – The Don wasn’t actually created in a test tube or grown in the forest of Pernalia.

Nope, I am 100 percent pure, old fashioned, home-grown human. Born free. Right here in the real world.

So, to celebrate being on this ball of rock and water for thirty-five revolutions around the sun, I’m going to list a couple of great geekeries that came out Anno Donini:

Jaws

One of the greatest horror films of all time, and the movie that put director Steven Spielberg on the map.  This movie’s influence was so impressive, that it literally forced an entire generation to rethink going “back into the water” (yes, I know that’s from Jaws 2, but I’m making a point).  With an impressive cast, the perfect amount of tension, and a cunning play on our fears, Jaws managed to work despite the fact that the shark quite often didn’t.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

The film that started a cult phenomenon (doot-doo doo-doo-doot!).  Already a stage show by this time, the film opened to lackluster success.  But over time, Rocky Horror became something more.  Now known as the longest-running theatrical release in history, the movie continues to be shown regularly all over the world.  It’s even spawned its own culture.  Impressive for a movie about a guy wearing fishnets.

Betamax

Ah, poor Betamax – the little videotape that couldn’t.  Sony introduced the first home video system using this technology in 1975 with a price tag of over $2000.  Sadly, this would lead to the first in many “format wars” that would occur over the next thirty-five years.  Despite a higher quality in picture and sound, Beta’s smaller capacity caused it to lose to VHS (also, the porn industry chose VHS over Beta).  But in an interesting twist, most news channels around the country that haven’t gone full digital still use Beta tapes.

Musical Notes

Alice Cooper releases his first solo album – “Welcome to My Nightmare”, a concept album that takes the listener through the nightmares of a boy named Steven.  The stage show is considered one of the biggest stage spectacles of that decade.  And Drew Struzan, most notable for his movie poster work, designs the album cover.

Iron Maiden forms.  My friend Dan Taraschke, still a toddler at the time, starts rocking out for what seems like no reason.  He would find out later in life what exactly happened, helping to form the metal man he would one day become.

Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.  Oddly, both end up doing better career-wise.  Fans of the original line-up are still butt-hurt to this day.

Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” hits number one in the charts.  Wayne’s World fans have to wait seventeen years to find out what all the hubbub is about.

The Pearly Gates

The Altair 8800 is released, introducing the first microcomputer.  Bill Gates and Paul Allen develop the programming language BASIC and start a little company that, for some reason, never went anywhere called Micro Soft.  I wonder what happened to those guys.

“Live, From New York…”

Saturday Night Live debuted in October under the name “NBC’s Saturday Night”.  Featuring a much looser format, the show featured its original “Not Ready for Prime Time Players” in comedy skits that poked fun at pop culture, politics, and pretty much everything else, as well as more musical segments, stand up, and even a segment that featured new Muppets created by Jim Henson.  The first episode was hosted by comic legend George Carlin, with first appearance by Andy Kaufman.  The show continues to this day, much to the surprise of a lot of people.

Blip…Blip…

Atari released its first console game through Sears – PONG!  My parents actually owned one of the original consoles, and at the time it was some innovative stuff.  Of course, attention spans were a lot longer back in the seventies, so a game where a white dot bounces back and forth between two white lines could entertain someone for quite a long time.  Nowadays, anything less than tons of blood, boobs and hundreds of hours of gameplay is considered a baby’s toy.

That’s all I got for this week.  Yes, I know there are probably plenty more I could have included, but these are the ones that stand out most to me.  Oh, and as an added bonus, you can now find me on movie website CHUD!  I’ve recently been taken on as one of the official CHUD Bloggers, so if you can stomach more than a dose of me a week, you can find more entries there.  In fact, I already have an entry up this week!

Now, as the thirty-five year old in me would say – “Get off my lawn!”

The Don needs a warm glass of milk and a nap.

Friends, Romans, countrymen–lend me your worn-out, abused comedy clichés!

I was recently introduced to the Starz television series Spartacus: Blood and Sand, easily the most sexually graphic, goriest thing on television. (Here, just for educational value, have a little nonscholarly article on the historical figure Spartacus.) Those who know me are all too aware of my distaste for sex scenes, and, even more so, my legendarily weak stomach that makes any violence above a PG rating difficult for me to watch.

So those same people will probably find themselves completely gobsmacked when I say that Spartacus is AWESOME!

Why? Why is it awesome? It’s about gladiators, slaves, and nobles fighting, killing, and having lots (and lots and lots) of straight and gay/lesbian makeouts and/or sex. That’s what you see in the promos, and that’s a good chunk of each episode’s content. Surely that’s not what I like most about it?

Well, you’re right. It’s not. And don’t call me Shirley.

There’s a lot more to Spartacus than just sex and violence–though if you’re watching just for either of those things, you won’t leave disappointed. Believe me, you’ll see more full-frontal-and-backal nudity in one episode (men as well as women, for once!) than you’ve probably seen in the past year. Me, I usually just roll my eyes at the sex scenes and makes dirty jokes till something more interesting (to me) happens, but everyone else I know finds the nudie scenes quite enrapturing. By the way, Lucy “Xena” Lawless plays the female lead, and maybe it’s all makeup, but when you see her naked jubbly bits–which you will, frequently–you’ll be impressed with how well she’s aged.

Only nine episodes into the show, and already everyone in this photo has displayed their naked naughty bits for all the world to see. And they’re not the only ones!

On the violence side, you’ll see gladiators chopping off each other’s limbs and heads, frequent sword stabbings, blood spurting dramatically, society ladies smashing other ladies’ faces into hard marble, and bad slaves punished with crucifixion and the removal of their *ahem* ramalamadingdongs–to be publicly displayed, no less. And that’s only what I feel comfortable sharing on Spwug! Yes, this show is graphic and brutal and doesn’t hold back, and I spend large chunks of each episode not looking at the screen or turning on the PSP to drown out the gory sound effects in the rockin’ beats of my Zelda II ROM. No, the violence is not what interests me.

Nor is it the “colourful” language that dots nearly every sentence. The “seven words you only kinda-sorta can’t say” all get frequent usage here, as well as every other word you don’t tell your parents you learned in grade school, plus a few choice blue phrases that seem to have been cooked up specifically for the context of the show. Unfortunately, I can’t give you any examples here while still maintaining the integrity of this website. You’ll just have to watch the show to find out for yourself. But it’s not what turns me on to this series.

What does it for me is the story–a tale of high-society intrigue interwoven with more subplots and secrets than you can shake a Roman’s doodle at, coupled with just enough moments of humour to keep the show from getting too heavy-handed. I didn’t know until recently that Sam Raimi is involved as an executive producer, but it didn’t come as a surprise when I found out; the show’s writing often takes experimental or “silly” little loops that one would expect to find in something that has the hand of a Raimi in it. Yet that hand’s touch is light enough that even those who dislike Sam Raimi’s work probably wouldn’t identify his influence without it being pointed out to them. Hey, man, I’m a Raimi fan since high school in the early 90s, and I didn’t even pick up on it!

Yeah, I’m just putting this here because there’s no such thing as too much red-headed Lucy Lawless. All the “good” pics I found for this entry seem to contain her. That tells me something about where the show’s creators want you to be focusing when you watch….

Let’s just look at some of the stories being played out in Spartacus. We have a gladiator who’s conspiring against his master to escape and save his wife. We have two man-slaves conspiring to save up and buy their freedom behind their master’s back so they can love each other in all the ways extolled by Roman lore and condemned by the Catholic church. We have a gladiator who’s secretly sleeping with his master’s wife while conspiring against said master to steal his freedom for himself and his girl-slave lover. We have two mortal enemies pairing up so they can take down the ultimate gladiator in the arena, only to of course stab each other in many figurative (and sometimes more literal) ways in the process. We have a master of slaves and gladiators and his wife, who are determined to rise in society, no matter who they have to bribe or murder. We have a high-society wife who will help the master and his own wife in their power-gaining quest, while conspiring to have their star gladiator secretly killed. And that’s just in one episode! (“Shadow Games”, to be exact.) We also have rich women sneaking away from their husbands to sleep with slaves, assassinations, missing families and loves, and enough story to put a George R. R. Martin novel to shame–or at least enough to keep Spartacus going for many seasons to come. And considering Starz had ordered a second season to be made before the first one even aired, I don’t think we’re in danger of losing this show anytime soon. (Not as long as lead actor Andy Whitfield’s recently-diagnosed non-Hodgkin lymphoma is kept in check, anyways.)

A rising society star, a (trampy) lady of quality, and a slave (who for some reason is not in costume there). Because this show believes in equal screen time for ALL classes of people.

There you have it. Want a continuing story that’s probably not too accurate to the historical figure Spartacus’ life, but is filled with intrigue, high drama, tragedy, and even comedy? You’ve got it. Want brutal smackdowns and body parts and blood flying? You’ve got it. Just want to see Lucy Lawless or Andy Whitfield naked? Well, you’ve got that too.

The show airs on the Starz network in the US, but if you’re like me and don’t get that channel, you can watch the first couple of episodes on the Starz website. Or, even better, if you have Netflix, you can stream all the episodes from the website to your PC, Web-capable TV, or some video game consoles. So there’s really no excuse to not check it out! If even someone who dislikes sex and violence as much as I do can become a fan of this, you’ve got no excuse, guys.

Let’s close out with a bit more Lucy Lawless eyecandy. One of my favourite parts of the show is how her character swaps between red and blonde wigs in each episode.

I keep waiting for her to don green or purple locks a la Mrs. Slocombe in Are you Being Served?

So I hear there was a sacred ritual in America this weekend. Supposedly it consisted of humans gathering in big groups with large amounts of fried food and chips, watching sweaty, muscled meatsacks ripping the flesh from a large hog, then tossing the resulting oblong wad back and forth. It is supposed to confirm masculinity, and geeks like me (particularly rather NON-masculine geeks like me) are generally not welcome at such events. Somehow, though, I found myself attending one this past Sunday, partly to satisfy my morbid curiosity.

You’d think, having lived here all my life, that I’d be more familiar with this religious ceremony. Instead, I spent the evening staring at the proceedings with a kind of horrified fascination.

I’d been invited by friends. These are people I see on a fairly regular basis. We’ve known one another for years. I know their hobbies, their likes, dislikes, their dreams, their fears…but I did not recognize the people I sat with during this game of feet and balls as the friends I’ve known so long and well.

“We’re having the party more to watch the commercials than the game. Most of us aren’t big football fans,” they said. So I attended expecting food, camaraderie, and boisterous conversation. What I got?

Oh, there was food. Plates piled high with offerings to the gods of feet and balls–chips, barbeque wieners, pretzels, sodas. But the camaraderie and boisterous conversation? I began to worry I’d stepped into a cult gathering. There was no punch bowl, luckily. When the “game” started, my lively, entertaining friends became fixated on the TV, jaws hanging open, possibly with little streams of drool running out. I don’t know. I kept my distance. When they spoke, it was to yell obscenities at the screen. Anyone making a comment unrelated to the happenings on the television was largely ignored.

I avoided looking at the screen which had turned my friends into grunting shells of humans. Something wasn’t right here.

Then the twisted ritual of men dogpiling onto each other and patting each other on the buttocks (”But we’re not gay, no, even though we grope each other and shower together and sleep together and live together on the road, why won’t you BELIEVE us?!”) was interrupted by advertisements for OTHER arcane, evil rituals. That was when things got really scary.

As soon as the ads started, my once-friendly comrades started angrily shushing the few brave souls who’d tried to engage in the “boisterous conversation” I’d come to this party specifically to experience. The vehemence made no sense to me; the DVR was recording the game. If you missed a few seconds, couldn’t you just pause during the brief conversations and then rewind so everyone who wanted to could see? (And they did rewind for particularly amusing ads people wanted to see again. Frequently.) I had been pretty quiet since the game began, unsettled by the rapt attention my pals were giving the talky box and not to one another. I made a silent note not to speak for the rest of the evening, fearing for my safety.

And what was happening on the screen wasn’t holding my attention at all. Even the famous “Super Bowl ads” were more annoying than entertaining–and what was up with the steady theme of emasculation in them this year, anyways? Maybe I was immune to the spell that hypnotized the rest of the room. I wasn’t going to give it a chance to seize me, either. About forty-five minutes into the satanic ritual, I quietly snuck my roomie’s PSP out of my bag, found a mercifully open outlet for the adapter, and began to play the Second Quest of The Legend of Zelda. (If the PSP serves any use beyond playing old Nintendo-console games, I haven’t found it.)

The ceremony continued. The angry comments at the screen continued. The impolite shushing of conversation for Commercial Time continued. After an hour or two, someone remarked that I must be bored because I wasn’t watching the game. I froze, taking a hit from an Ironknuckle in the process. Caught! I wondered if I would leave this place whole, or even alive. I quickly mumbled some lie about pausing the game to watch the ads, and this seemed to satisfy the others. Or maybe they were so deep under the TV’s spell that they couldn’t bear to look away for long. Either way, they left me alone then. I gave a discreet sigh and continued playing, only mildly annoyed that I now had to go looking for Hearts to get my sword-laser back.

And so it went. When my friends weren’t shouting vulgarities at the screen, they were hissing venom at each other for commercials. I finished one dungeon, then a second, and began looking for the White Sword and the Blue Ring.

Then several people behind the couch began having a conversation during the game. Was the spell breaking? One of them asked me a question while the others kept talking. Cautiously, I started to answer–unfortunately, just as commercials started. “SHHHHHHHHH! Shut up! Commercials!” someone at the far end of the room hissed rather pissily. I wasn’t sure if they were talking to the others, who were sitting right next to him, or to me across the room.

But I was getting pretty angry myself. I had had enough of this satanic event turning my friends into angry d-bags, when I’d come for a party. And if they were talking to me, who was that, to tell a supposed friend to shut up when they’re trying to be polite and answer a question? I shot an obscene phrase at him under my breath just in case he was addressing me, something I won’t repeat here, but which rhymed with “Ducking dock writer.” Luckily for my life and limb, everyone else had been enraptured by the TV again and didn’t hear. I muttered angrily, and started to go back to my much more important NES game–only to realize that I had just been as ferocious as everyone around me. Cold fear stabbed through me. Was the TV’s spell reaching out to me as well now?

There was only one way to resist–I buried myself in the magical Land of Hyrule and didn’t look up for the rest of the evening. By the time I had finished the third dungeon and acquired several hidden items in the Overworld, the evil game on TV was over, and I was safe. I cheered along with the others, but for different reasons.

And now the spell was broken. My friends were acting like friends again!–for the five minutes it took them to gather their coats and leftover food and exit out the door. Ah, well. At least they were all safe and whole again, and perhaps more amazingly, *I* was safe and whole.

I was happy. I said my goodnights and goodbyes and hurried out to the car. Once inside, I realized I had finally, truly escaped the wicked spell of the Super Bowl…until next year, that is. I would have to prepare intensely between now and then in order to better resist Super Bowl 2011’s occult charms.

I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough. 2011 may be the end of me.

At least I finished three dungeons in Zelda.

(P.S. This was a work of humourous fiction. The party and people in this post should not be mistaken for the party and people that I actually rocked out at/with. But writing an epic tale of struggle and betrayal and redemption is far more interesting than writing “I went to a Bowl party, it was fun, Betty White is hardcore, we ate too much, I played Zelda, and then we all went home!”)

Greetings, Station!

The other day I was listening to the Tenacious D song “Beezleboss (The Final Showdown)” from the soundtrack to Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, a movie which no one saw (as evidenced by the abysmal box office numbers).  Despite its lower-than-lackluster performance, I found the film to be a fun romp in the spirit of the rock band misadventure movies of old.  And being a fan of Tenacious D itself (comprised of Jack Black and Kyle Gass), it was only natural that I picked up the soundtrack to the film.  While it isn’t as good as their first album, “PoD” still contains plenty of little musical gems.  One of my favorites is the afore-mentioned “Beezleboss”.

The song retells a slightly altered version of the story regaled in the previous D song “Tribute” – JB and KG get involved in a “rock-off” with the Devil.  The stakes?  If The D wins, Satan must go back to Hell… and he has to pay Jack and Kyle’s rent.  If Beelzebub wins, he gets to take KG back to Hell with him to be his slave (and not the indentured servitude kind, either).

With the stakes in place, the rock-off commences.  Satan begins with an epic, dark mass of metal proportions.  Tenacious D reciprocate with a fairly inspirational effort, but to no avail.  The Devil wins and prepares to take Kyle back to his domain for eternity.

But wait!  At the last minute, Jables intervenes, causing the Beezleboss to break off a piece of his own horn.  With that piece in Black’s possession, he is able to command the Devil to go back to Hell once more until he is “complete again”.

So, I’m listening to this song and the thought occurs to me – most tales that chronicle Ol’ Scratch competing for a mortal’s soul seem to paint him in the same manner in order to sell the message that good always triumphs over evil.  He’s almost always painted as an honor-bound entity that can be easily beaten by someone with enough talent, hard work, and moxie.

Wait, what?  Hold on a minute.  This is the same guy who had the molten stones to challenge The Big Man.  Sure, he lost and was cast out of St. Peter’s jurisdiction, but he obviously had enough power to challenge George Burns in the first place.  You don’t make such a bold gesture unless you know for certain that you got the Mana to do so.

Plus, Lucifer is also a master of deception.  He managed to fool the first man and woman with fruit.  The guy’s got some serious ad executive powers going on if he can sell a couple of nudists on foliage sweets.  Come to think of it, this isn’t all that different from the supernatural ability Steve Jobs has to convince people to buy things like iPads.

Wait… Steve Jobs… Apple…

Mind = blown.  Where was I again?

Oh yeah… So, The Dark Lord is obviously a master manipulator.  There’s a reason why he is called The Master of Lies – the guy uses words to confuse, deceive, delude, dupe, fool, gull, hoax, hoodwink, kid, snow, take in, trick, intrigue, machinate, plot, scheme, arrange, contrive, devise, finesse, mastermind, cheat, chisel, defraud, fleece, gyp, hustle, and swindle (thanks, Merriam-Webster!).  He’s always in it for his own ends and he does whatever is necessary to get what he wants.

This means that there is no way in Hell (pun intended) anyone like Charlie Daniels or Ralph Macchio could ever hope to defeat him in a one-on-one.  It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much spirit you poured into your efforts.  The Devil can say whatever he wants.  He could play two plunky chords off- key while you play Vivaldi backwards with your butt cheeks.  He’ll declare himself the winner no matter what.  It’s what he does.  Say goodbye to your soul, Karate Kid, because no amount of Crane Kicks or Drum Techniques or Lipton Brisk Iced Tea will save you from spending an eternity waxing on and waxing off The Prince of Evil.

Now, I’ll give “Beezleboss” some credit.  Despite the fact that the Source of All Evil adheres to a “demon code”, the song (as well as the final scene of the movie, which is where the song comes from) does finally illustrate that The D had no chance of winning a rock-off against The Dark One.  Even the “Real Ghostbusters” episode “Night Game” had a better understanding of how things should work when you compete against dark forces.  Granted, Winston was playing baseball against your more run-of-the-mill demons, but the ump still recognized that evil was free to cheat and play as dirty as it wanted (well, at least as dirty as a Saturday morning cartoon can get).  Of course, in the end good still won, despite the fact that the evil demons cheated the hell out of that game.

Don’t get me wrong.  I completely understand the intention behind the way these stories are told.  Triumph of the human spirit against the forces of evil and the belief that we are inherently good enough to conquer our own (metaphorical) inner demons is a popular trope that’s never going away.  As a society we need to be able to watch movies and television shows, listen to music, and read books and comics that remind us no matter what dark paths we go down or what nefarious entities we meet, we still have a chance and the power within us to punch old Beelz in the front-flow and scream “Adrian!” in triumph.

It’s just that every once in awhile I would like to see Mephisto with his Adamantium cup on.

The Don went down to Georgia.  Her mother didn’t approve.

Greetings, Ko-Dan Armada!

You may remember that last fall I brought you my picks for the fall television shows worth watching in the 2009-2010 season.

It’s not over yet.

U.S. networks like to do this little thing called “mid-season replacements”.  For the broadcast networks, this usually means they replace a show that’s been performing weakly in the fall in January with another show that’s been sitting in their coffers with the hopes that it will do better ratings-wise.  This is not only a big middle finger to the show being replaced, but is kind of a back-handed middle finger to the show doing the replacing, as the replacement show was considered not good enough to start in the fall season in the first place.

Cable networks, on the other hand, view mid-season shows a little differently.  Cable, in their efforts to compete with the “big dogs”, like to schedule many of their shows to start in the spring or summer and end in the fall or winter.  This is so they can pull in all the viewers that would most likely be watching repeats on the major networks.

What this causes is a kind of television symbiosis.  Everyone benefits, no one gets screwed over (except Conan).

I just happen to have two more picks for this television season, one from each category:

“Chuck”

What else can I say about this show?  I think I made my point clear last spring when I went out and bought a five dollar foot long at Subway in order to help keep this show on the air.  Turns out NBC let us believe that the ploy worked, and “Chuck” was renewed for a third season.  Unfortunately, NBC pulled a Monkey’s Paw on the fans and decided not to air it until March.

The television gods must also like five dollar foot longs, because suddenly – like an astromech droid suddenly popping off with a bad motivator – NBC suddenly decided a couple months ago to jettison a couple of their shows that they deemed to expensive or weak ratings-wise.  This paved the way for “Chuck” to have its premiere moved to January.  And there was much rejoicing (yaaaaaaay).

And so far, the show has continued to deliver.  With the main character’s abilities cranked up a notch, the show has also upped the ante character and plot wise.  Add to that some surprisingly impressive guests stars, and “Chuck” continues to be a solid, fun show to watch.

“Burn Notice”

I’ve written about this show before, as well.  When I did my first “Autumn” article last fall, one of the comments I received was that I forgot to include this show.  Not at all.  I just had to wait to include it since it is technically a mid-season series.

And what a series it is.  I managed to catch a random episode of this last year and I was hooked.  I was already about two and a half seasons behind, so I had a lot of catch-up to play.  I ended up marathonning the sucker.  Worth every hour of therapy.

This show continues to exhibit some really tight writing combined with a stellar main cast.  Everyone is simply a pleasure to watch do their thing.  Finding myself literally on the edge of my seat during every episode, “Burn Notice” has the perfect amount of tension, suspense, humor, and drama.  And I can’t mention this enough: it has Bruce Campbell.

With the way the current television climate is… okay, I’m sorry.  There’s just no way I can end this article that will be able to measure up to mentioning the Almighty Chin himself.  It’s impossible.  I just can’t do it.

So instead, I will let the man himself take us out:

The Don has… no.  No.  I just can’t do it.  Bruce Campbell!