Greetings, Superfriends!

First, I wanted to do a little shout-out – tomorrow marks my one year anniversary of being a writer for Spwug!! 

*cue applause and cheering* 

Yup, I’ve been a regular columnist for this web mag for fifty-two weeks!  And I hope they’ve been a better fifty-two than that disappointing series DC put out last year.  I plan to stick around here for awhile, so sit back and enjoy!  Now, as the Monty Pythons like to say, “Get on with it!”

I’ve given myself almost a week to chew on, process, think about, analyze, run through the machine, and about thirty other coined phrases one uses when they need to take time to fully absorb something they’ve consumed through one or multiple sense holes.

Almost a week later and I still feel unsatisfied – disappointed even – by the American “Life on Mars” series finale.

Why exactly?  Despite the swift cancellation before the body even cooled from its first only season, the American “Life” still managed to run one episode longer than the original British version.  And I found the original to be an engaging, well-crafted show.

So, where did the US version go wrong?

First, a brief recap of what both shows were basically about:

Sam Tyler is a police detective (sadly, not one who plays by his own rules) who, while in the middle of an investigation, gets hit by a car and is rendered unconscious.  When he wakes up, he finds that he was somehow transported back to the year 1973.  The show follows him on his attempts to find his way back to the present, while at the same time still serve his duties as a detective amongst the less-than-politically-correct police procedures of the early seventies.

Now, I’ve watched both versions in their entirety, almost at the same time.  I enjoyed both of them for different reasons.  Each version brought unique perspectives to the plot and characters within their respective shows.

I think one of the first immediate differences one will note is that the UK version seems to have teeth.  The original “Mars” had plotlines that really messed with the viewer’s head at the same time that it was messing with Sam’s.  There was a harder edge – from the allowance of more profanity, to the instances of nudity, and even to the point where the show’s darker tone led to an even darker resolution for our protagonist Sam Tyler.

The US version has bite, but it’s more like when a crazy old coot who escaped from the local home convinces himself that you’re his grandson Billy and tries to gum your ankles because he’s looking for the secret recipe to the Colonel’s chicken.  The first ballsy thing the writers tried to do was ensure that their version of the show wasn’t just a carbon copy.  They had it start off similarly enough, but ended up going on a different direction altogether.

This decision, although appearing to be a stroke of genius that would certainly ensure that the US “Life on Mars” would be a surefire hit, would ultimately lead to its whimper of a final curtain call.

Part of the problem with this decision is that they didn’t execute it completely.  While the show did manage to feature episodes that were different in tone, direction and content from the original, they left way too much of the source material in.  This caused a lot of problems, from leaving in clues from the original that pointed viewers to the British ending (and, in essence contradicting their own planted clues that would ultimately lead to the ending they had planned) to episodes that seemed like a Frankenstein’s monster of bits and pieces hastily sewn together.

All of those things I mentioned aren’t even the worst offenses.  The show still managed to keep me on the edge of my seat every Wednesday night.  I kept coming back because I was invested in Sam’s character and his plight.  I was pulling for him to find his way home (unlike another Sam I used to watch who got screwed by NBC).  It was with all that effort I put forth in committing to the show where the final kick in the nuts was delivered:

All that investment was rendered null and void as Sam finally woke up from his cryogenic sleep to realize his trip to 1973 – hell, even his memories as a detective in 2008 – were all a virtual reality simulation designed to keep his brain activity stimulated while he and his crew was on its way to Mars for its first manned exploration mission.

All of emotional turmoil that Sam had endured.  All of the struggles he had to face.  The failures and victories, the conflicts and compromises.  The entire drive behind what made Sam’s character develop, as well as what drove the plot of the show.  All of it didn’t matter at all.

There was no pay off.  No real resolution.  No reward for dealing with all that we had endured with this character we had invested ourselves in.  Sam just woke up, was told his VR program had malfunctioned, shrugged as his real memories came back into focus, and then skipped merrily off to play in some red sand with his fellow detectives from 1973, who just happened to actually be his fellow crewmembers on the Mars mission.

What’s amusing was that the finale aired on April first.  And I thought for sure that this ending was an April Fool’s joke.  It had to be, because the fist in my gut certainly had a punch line to it.

Nope.

That was the ending.  And with that the show is over.  Now, I understand that with the announcement that they were being cancelled the writers had to put an ending on the show, especially since they were being given enough time to.  They even admitted that this ending was where they were going all along (or so they say).  The clues were all there (and they really were, although mixed in with the British clues like I already stated).  But they broke a major rule when it comes to writing – you never ever ever put the hero on his journey and then not have it mean something when he gets to his destination.

Unfortunately, the writers for the US “Life on Mars” didn’t seem to understand that, rushed ending or no.  The British writers did, which is why – although the ending was much darker – their ending fit perfectly with the rest of the story.  It brought the emotional ride Sam took us on to full closure and gave us an intense, sinister reward for our loyalty. 

In the UK ending, DI Sam Tyler took a header off the top of his present day police head quarters so he could return to 1973.  After watching the American finale, I’m inclined to follow him there.

The Don had an accident and woke up in 1973.  Now he needs a change of pants.

Greetings, Thunderbolts!

I just got hit with yet another cold, so bear with me as I try to type out a new installment of “Office” with my head seemingly wrapped in bubble wrap and then entwined with shredded strips of the unused Superman Reborn script.

In other words, I feel crappy.

But, I refuse to be daunted!  In fact, I am past-tensing quite the opposite of the daunt.  I am undaunted!  I just hope I don’t suffer major Fallout for pushing myself while my head is currently experiencing how a gold fish lives.

And there cues the segue.

I have been a video gamer since I was three.  My parents had one of the original Pong home machines when I was that age.  And from that point through Atari, Nintendo, and Playstation my desire to play the latest and greatest has only grown.

Throughout that time, several video games have come and gone that I found myself getting addicted to.  And these are games that I enjoyed playing so much, nothing short of a small megaton bomb or a shady deal with Mephistopheles could separate me from spending endless hours glued to the TV while my fingers and thumbs go beyond calloused and straight to strange-material-that-seems-to-resemble-particle-board-but-has-no-sensation-whatsoever.

Okay, I just dropped another hint in the paragraph above.  I think I’ve teased it enough.  If any of you still have no idea what I’m talking about, lemme go get you some ice cream and you can go play in the corner while I finish my talk with the grown-ups, okay?

I’m just kidding.  But I’m done playing around, because Fallout 3 is just friggin’, mind-blowingly awesome!!! 

I’m addicted.

I picked up this game on a lark a few weeks ago after a friend and co-worker of mine couldn’t stop telling me about it.  Secretly, I think he’s really a shill for the company that puts out the game.  I prolly helped him meet his quota of celebrity look-alike sales, or something.

But damn, was it worth the price I paid.  This game is phenomenal!  It uses the sandbox approach, allowing you to pretty much go anywhere you want and do anything you want.  Don’t wanna work on the main story quests?  There are at least seventy side quests you can go on, as well as a 16 square-mile game world for you to explore.  And I just got lost in the criss-cross-crazy maze of Subway tunnels beneath the surface world.

This game is incredible.  As an action RPG, it seems to nail all of the proper components dead on.  It even takes it all one step further.  This ain’t no Final Fantasy where you’re stuck looking like some spikey-haired imposter – you can customize what your character looks like from the very beginning.  First, pick your gender.  You want him or her to be Asian?  African-American?  Latino?  Caucasian?  You can start with any of those four race types, and then you can literally mold your face into what you want.  Add your hair and facial hair (men only, please) of choice, and then get ready to be born!

I’m not kidding.  You start out coming right out of momma!  As you look up into the proud eyes of your poppa voiced by Liam Neeson, you begin to see that this action RPG isn’t your typical run-of-the-mill gun-and-level adventure.  In fact, your first mission for experience flashes you forward a year and has you walk to daddy!  The way this game integrates your initial point spending on your starting abilities is brilliant.

Set in an apocalyptic future where there world has been demolished by nuclear war, you find yourself stuck in the outside world trying to avoid crazy raiders, giant insects, bloodthirsty mutants, and bounty hunters out to collect that price on your head.  Amidst all that, you have the ability to choose how you play the game.  You earn karma for good deeds you perform, while you lose karma for slightly shadier actions.  Your status as a goody two-shoes or as a distributor of all things nasty is determined on where your karma is.  This not only gives you the option to play as evil or as good as you want, but you’ve got your replay value right there.

I mean, there is just literally a butt-ton (that’s the technical term) of different decisions you can make at every turn.  Wanna set off a nuke in the middle of a city?  Go ahead.  Wanna disable the death-bringer instead, save the townies and become a hero?  You can do that too.  Even your conversation choices for almost every NPC you talk to can go multiple ways.  Wanna tell that merchant where he can stick his expensive weaponry?  If the option is there, let the words fly free.  Need to lie convincingly to woo some sassy lassie of her items?  As long as your skill is high enough, get your Billy Dee on.

And you can kill.  Every.  NPC.  In.  The.  Game.  Okay, not really, but almost.  I discovered the other night that the game won’t let you kill anyone that isn’t this tall to ride this ride (Hey!  I’m not a bad person.  I was doing research… for this article.  Really.  Look, over there on the other side of the ellipses!).  So, no blasting kiddies in the face with buckshot makers or mini-nukes.  But everyone else?  Fair game.

Man, I’m almost exhausted from going on about this game (or maybe that’s the cold smacking me into the tired zone), and I’m barely over twenty hours into the game.  I haven’t even completed the first main storyline quest in the Wastelands yet.  I’ve just been spending several hours exploring, killing, doing side quests, building up weapons, ammo, armor and food, and dying.

Yeah, you’ll die a few times, especially when you underestimate just how much your little rinky-dink chest plate can stop a barrage of lead coming at you from a super mutant with a minigun.  But, that’s all in the fun.  I mean, I enjoy watching my character meet his untimely demise just as much as I love the slow-mo of my boomstick teaching some raider’s noggin how to separate his flesh from his skull.

Overall, this game has everything an enthusiastic button-masher could want.  I even saw Fallout 3 toted in another review as an MMORPG without the MMO part.  I would have to agree.  There are so many NPCs, quests, and battles to get into, that you often forget there’s no one playing in there with you.  For that reason, I think this game can appeal to the online players and the console players alike.  Because really… if a video game can’t bring people of different gaming tastes together in harmony, than what hope is there for the rest of the world?

I think Fallout 3 already answered that question.

The Don doesn’t wanna set the world on fire.  But a place to cook his Hot Pocket would be great.

Greetings, Thuggees!

Today’s tale begins with a lone warrior.  His physical preparations for his journey are complete and his hunger has been sated.  It is now time for our intrepid hero to embark on his trip to Mars.  This year, the red planet promises to offer up the sights and sounds of technologies from a bygone era – items and inventions of steam and punkish glory that lie in wait to be rediscovered by this courageous explorer.

Our protagonist makes his final preparations to board his vessel, his mind awash in shades of rampant imagination.  His heart beats with excitement.  There is eagerness in each step.

But… something is wrong.  In the shadows a silent, evil visitor waits to strike!  He descends upon our intergalactic champion with speed and cunning.  Before the space warrior can react, the evil one strikes!  As the dust settles and the air clears, all that remains is our fallen hero – a victim of The Shadowstone.

Hi.  I’m The Don and I’m here to talk to you about a serious issue.  Our friend above fell prey to the evil Shadowstone, but there is something more sinister in real life that we should all be aware of: kidney stones.  They don’t attack you like in our story above, but are just as dangerous to your health.  They can grow inside your kidneys and hurt really bad!  So be careful kids, and avoid kidney stones.  You can read more about them at your local library.  Until next time…

So yeah, I was on my way to Marscon and a frelling kidney stone decided it didn’t like my recent decision to start exercising so that I can start writing these articles as The Thin Don.

Luckily, the stone took pity on me after hearing my pathetic cries and left me after only a couple of hours.  I wasn’t able to make it to the convention Friday night, but I sure as hell flew my vessel drove my car to the con Saturday and Sunday.

And here lies the essence of this piece – a short and sweet Marscon report.

There isn’t much to tell.  And to be honest, that’s actually a good thing.  One of the things I love about Marscon is that it’s a small con – a Relaxicon (patent pending), if you will.

Danny Valentini (my partner-in-crime at 2wcOnline) and I were asked back this year to be guests because our web comic The Draconia Chronicles is the quickest gunslinger in the west (never lost a draw, they say!).  And since all of our perpetual lies about The Draconia Chronicles being the quickest gun in the west seemed to have fooled folks into offering us guest status at a convention, we heartily accepted!

We found out late in the game that we had a web comics panel Friday night, another one Saturday morning, and one more Sunday morning.  Now, I can’t vouch for Friday (stupid Shadowstone kidney stone), but Danny says that it was a decent turn-out with some great discussion.  And I believe him, you betcha!

Saturday morning’s panel was fun.  It was still a little too early for a Saturday, but between the awesome group of people that showed up and the excellent variety of topics that were covered; I think it was a very productive morning.

Sunday was a short day.  The crowd for that 10 AM panel was the smallest of the weekend, yet we still managed to enjoy ourselves with crazy talk for an hour.

Now, you’re probably yawning at this point and wondering when I’m gonna get on with the run-down of the con itself.  The truth is, it seemed the convention was a little light this year, in attendance, as well as in use of theme.  The theme for Marscon this year was all things steampunk.  And to be honest?  I didn’t see that many congoers suited up in the theme.  In fact, I didn’t see that many costumes at all this year.  There were the different Stormtroopers running around, but they had a panel on “How to Make a Stormtrooper Costume”.  It would be kinda silly to do a panel and not wear a costume as an example.

There was an incredibly cool, homemade George Pal Time Machine sitting in the lobby that you could sit in.  Otherwise, the theme didn’t seem to be all that present.  I’ve been to a few Marscons in the past.  When they did the pirate theme or the super hero theme, you can bet that there were lots of costumes running around in support.  Even the Con Suite was done up in themed decoration for previous years.  This year, the theme just fell short.

That’s not to say the con was a dud.  Not at all.  I have to admit, the lighter attendance was a welcome change, as finding a parking space in at the small hotel was a blessing.  The panels that I was able to attend (or be a part of) were fun, as they always seem to be.  The display tables (such as the Lego folks) were a fun distraction on the way to wherever you happen to be going.  The band that Marscon has every year – Coyote Run – never fails to entertain.  The same goes for comedy troupe Luna-C.

And then there’s the Rocky Horror live production, put on by Norfolk’s own Fishnet Inc.  It has become a tradition in recent years for Danny and me to stay up late Saturday night to witness this fun-filled spectacle.  The Fishnet crew never disappoints.

And I think that’s the important thing to make clear here – even though the con felt light in theme and attendance, it’s never light in substance.  There’s always plenty to do, even if that just means you get to hang out with friends you only get to see at conventions or you get to talk to that uberfan who loves your web comic and will gladly talk to you about it for hours, reigniting your excitement for it amidst your hazy, sleep-deprived brain.

That’s why I love Marscon, and that’s why I’ll gladly go back there every year – whether I’m asked to be a guest or not.  It’s a con where I get to have fun, relax and just enjoy myself.

But next time, I’m training my kidneys to kick ass and take initials.  They don’t have time to take full names.

The Don is not a “stoney individual”, no matter what Pauly Shore says.

Heyoo, readers!  Remember, there’s a leap second to consider before kicking off 2009!

I’ll be on my way to Magfest 7 this weekend, and I hope to have a huge roundup of bands playing and games played!  Your resident Crybringer hopes you had a very Merry Christmas (while he celebrates with a new laptop!) and we can kick off 2009 in grand style!  Sing, drink, be happy with friends and good company tonight, and stay safe out there! 

 *ahem!*

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old times since ?

For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Greetings, Time Lords!

I hope everyone had a great holiday and that you are all geared up as we approach yet another new year.  I had a good Christmas, but it left me exhausted all the same.  Between that and the upcoming festivities I’m putting together to help welcome the earth’s next trip around the sun, I’m taking the week off.  So, there won’t be a regular “Office” installment this week.

But – as always – I can’t leave my fan hanging.  So, for this installment of “The Docks” I will briefly go over the highlights of what Santa was kind enough to throw at me this year.  I got a nice collection of stuff in general, but these are the ones that stand out:

Dead Space for the PS3

Resident Evil who?  No, seriously – this game should come with a change of pants.  Lots of gore and nothing but layered moments of the wiggins.  And I’m addicted.

Chrono Trigger for the DS

A true classic returns.  I never got to finish this when I had it for the SNES, so I was excited to get this for Christmas.  I’ve been playing this game almost nonstop since I got it.  It’s still a remarkable game, and now it has extra Bosses, FMV sequences, and a few other surprises.  Now I get to never finish this for the DS.  I love it.

The Milennium Falcon

I’ve had to cut down on my action figure collecting for the past few months, but I knew I had to get this baby.  It’s a brand new vehicle for the 3 ¾ inch figures.  It’s bigger than the original, and boasts an array of new features, including an escape pod. This sucker kicks ass.  And no, you didn’t see me playing with my dolls again.  Good!

Planet of the Apes 40^th Anniversary Edition Boxed Set (Blu-Ray)

I got this myself with the help of some gift cards and Christmas monies.  All five films, all in Hi-Def.  And the last two are extended cuts.  It’s glorious.  And you know what else it comes with?  Monkeys!  MONKEYS!!!!!  Get your stinking paws on this set, you damn, dirty ape!

And there it is.  Hope this will tide over all of you drunks while you all stand around watching for a light-up ball to fall to its doom.  Here’s to a great and merciful 2009.  See you next week when I go back to the regular grind.

The Don thinks all aquanauts should be forgot and never brought to mines.

Season’s Greetings, Vendequm!

I hope you’ve all enjoyed our Christmas journey over the past couple of weeks as we’ve looked upon a couple of the big geek moments of the past and present.

Now it’s time to be visited by the final spirit – the one we all fear the most…

Bah, who am I kidding?  That may work with the Dickensian folk, but we’re geeks.  When confronted with a ghost who can show us the future, we’re all like “Cool, man!  Show me what the Playstation 4 or the X-Box Cosmic look like!  Does Nintendo have full-on Holodeck capability yet?  Has Joss Whedon finally brought back ‘Firefly’?  Where’s my copy of Grey’s Sports Almanac?  I’m gonna be rich!”

Yeah, we are an undaunted and enthusiastic lot.

Still, our visit by the Ghic of Christmas Yet to Come should prove to be at least a little enlightening.  As you’ve seen with the last two installments, I’ve provided you with a look at major highlights in the progress of all things geek and how they’ve shaped our journey down the road of geek culture.

And as everyone already knows who is familiar with Christmas Yet to Come, what I present to you in this installment aren’t of things that will be, but merely shadows of what may be only.  So, you better straighten up, eat yer veggies, and quick mailing dirty socks to the neighbors, or Tiny Tim will never be played by Mary Lou Retton.  Now, let’s get started…

Our knowledge into the future begins in the present, as the seeds of our next technological breakthrough are still being planted.  What’s most unusual and interesting about this particular techno-development is that the cultivation of it has been going on for decades.  In fact, the very beginnings of this long-simmering application date as far back as the late 1800s.

Have I kept you all in the dark long enough?  Not seeing the big picture through your rose-and-navy colored glasses yet?  You gotta concentrate and look past the dots to see the image.

See?  A sailboat!

You got it.  I’m referring to the technological creation known as 3-D.  Most of you are aware that the 3-D phenomenon got a huge kick in the how’s-your-father back in the 1950s. 

Back then it was simply used as a novelty, only to die out for a period of time before coming back to theaters in the 1980s.

Jaws 3-D, anyone?

So, you’re probably wondering how a device used primarily as a goof to get some yahoos into theater seats while wearing crazy glasses could possibly become the next big thing on the road to geek utopia.

I’m glad you asked.  I just so happen to have something that resembles an answer.

The source of our reason goes back to the 1950s again.  Some of you may be familiar with the fact that when the television first became widely available in the 1950s, movie theater attendance began to drop off.  Back then, movies were in the same aspect ratio as what you saw on the television screen.  In order to get folks back into theaters and bring up box office revenues, lots of different tactics were attempted.  Among these efforts were widescreen motion pictures and 3-D films.

One of these stuck around and became the standard for how we watch movies.  The other dropped off the earth periodically only to be brought back every so often for fun and amusement.

The widescreen approach ended up doing exactly what the film industry wanted.  Movie revenues went back up, because folks could only watch movies in such a wide scope in the theater.  The aspect ratio became so popular that eventually it would be adopted as the standard ratio for television as well, something we are seeing today.  Now, everywhere you look you can see widescreen TVs for sale, and the television networks are starting to film all of their shows in that format.

Unfortunately, that brings us back to the problem we had back in the 50s – with home theater systems becoming just as good as (if not better than) movie theaters in sound and picture quality, the box office revenues are once again showing a sharp decline.  Add to that the development of Hi-Def, and theaters are starting to feel bruises that they haven’t felt since the appearance of the beatnik.

So, in today’s technological society, how can the movie industry triumph as they did during the days of the affluent society?

That’s right – 3-D.

What’s interesting is that this method for film-viewing my be the hero to save the theater experience… against the very same hero that saved theater attendance in the first place.  And for the first time since its inception in the 1890s, 3-D films may actually stick around as a mainstream method for watching film instead of just as a novelty device.

Indeed, film-production companies are already starting to get serious about using 3-D.  Movies like The Nightmare Before Christmas have already been retooled to be seen in theaters in 3-D.  And original movies such as Coraline are being created specifically with the 3-D process in mind.

We’re also seeing sections of popular movies like Transformers, and The Dark Knight being made into 3-D for movie-goer amusement.

Where does all this lead?  More and more movies are looking to jump right into the 3-D filming process with both feet, like Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland.  All signs seem to point that this will be the natural progression for how we will regularly view movies.

But not everyone is convinced.  There are still some folks out there, like Devin Faraci of movie website CHUD, that think the current resurrection of the 3-D process is just another temporary gimmick. 

So, what do you think?  Are we seeing the natural progression of film and television viewing?  Or are we just bearing witness to yet another brief resuscitation of a novelty that serves as the motion picture equivalent of jingling your keys in front of someone with a short attention span?  Just keep in mind, fellow geeks, that these are just the shadows of what may be only.  What we see and do today will determine the outcome.  So try not to step on any butterflies, okay?  I want my holodeck.

In the meantime, I’d like to thank you readers for coming along on the journey for this series.  It was fun to write and I hope it was fun to read.  I want to wish each and every geek and Spwug reader out there a very Merry/Happy Chanukah, Christmas, Solstice, Crazy Carl Day, Festivus, Kwanzaa, Chocolatepants Day, Yuletide, Decemberween, Uncle Bunny’s Day, birthday (I’m looking at you, Jesus), or just Thursday.

See you next year!

The Don is walking in a moderate wonderland.  Stupid Virginia.

Dear Santa. It’s CB from Spwug!

Yeah, my posting consistency has been oatmealish for the past few months, but I’ve done what I can to provide as much word-on-the-street, fresh-from-the-show reporting. I mean, I could go on and on and on about shmups (and plan to anyway.) But, you gotta admit, a geek report on Coldplay or local student orchestras playing Zelda covers is cool too!

Anyways, I think I’ve been good enough — I haven’t kicked any dogs or set fire to people’s trash cans! And your cadre of elves could use a real workout this time! Money’s tight, Wii’s are hard to find. And these gifts, don’t necessarily come with a price tag.

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR IS:

(10) Comiket 75 is right after your big day, Santa. I can take late gifts. My birthday is only a week after New Years. Doujinshi. Lots of doujinshi! Make it happen, St. Nick!

(9) Reduce the number of double-crosses, trick plays and world-shaking plot twists in Heroes for next season. Thank goodness the Sylar/Elle loveaffair was short lived — but she’s dead now! There’s like FOUR other blondes you coulda bumped off! It’s gotten to the point that this staunch HRG fan has to settle on Hiro — and lemme tell you, he’s actually kinda cool this time out. Is it true he writes his own dialogue for the japanese segments?

(8) Bless the gamers and producers of games out there, and bring the Christmas miracle of a XBOX 360 CAVE/AMI library release Stateside! One can only survive on epic FPS’ and Castle Crashers but so long! I want Dododo-Do-do-do *KABOOOOM!* Dodonpachi DOJ & Ketsui to be on my 360 dashboard! Street Fighter HD Remix and IV will put the fighting game pedal to the floor — shmups new & old should be battling right alongside them!

(7) Santa, when it comes to comic books, you deliver! No complaints! No requests! There’s a wealth of online comics, spectacular print comics, and Small Press Expo this year was an early present! Did I mention Small Press Expo? October in Bethesda/Rockville MD for the Washington DC region? Bigger and better every year? Shame on me. Readers need the likes of Wondermark or Remake in their Christmas haul.

(6) Crazy thing happened several weeks ago; up in Alberta, a meteor the size of a pair of semi trucks BLAZED across the night sky and brought it to daylight for a split second. Think you could fix that up for us again? Convince the unimpressed? Avert a potential apocalypse? There are calls for an asteroid shield, and that’d be kinda nice for the house.

(5) More Wyatt Cenac on Daily Show. The guy has to make his own promos.

(4) One of these. How you get it on the sleigh is not a crazy premise, considering the logistics of your one-night-only world tour runs smack up against the theory of relativity.  Make it happen, Santa.

(3) While we’re at it, one of these too. We’re a year out from 2010, THE geek culture year. Who would have guessed we’d have this figured out?! The whole flying cars joke is played out, but jetpacks more than diamonds dug out with the previously requested trencher are forever.

(2) You’ve already delivered me the gift that even fellow Spwug members probably raise an eyebrow at! A decent, if not amazing turnaround for the Baltimore Ravens! Last season was an EMBARRASSING 5-11 drubbing. This year might end at a complete REVERSE of that. 5 MVP bids. A confident coach. Wins to savor, losses to grow on. A fan of the past three seasons so far, I’m going to rest easy and enjoy Christmas Day knowing one gift has already been delivered!

*sob*, thank you Santa!

(1) My number one request — everything else can fall by the wayside for all I care! The one thing I want is to have a spectacular 2009! I’ve got a lot of travel plans, a lot of events to go, see and do and it kicks off almost IMMEDIATELY from January 1st!

Magfest! Ohayocon! Katsucon! A break in the spring so I can prepare for the epic return to San Diego Comic Con!

That’s my list, big guy. In return, I plan on being better than this year — how else can I score enough points to hit your list’s S+ Rank for 2009?

Merry Christmas!

-Your man with the Options,

“Crybringer”

Children descended from a by-gone era, are looking to unlock the secrets of their clandestine world, lit only by lamps and fires that threaten to permanently fade out and plunge their city into permanent darkness.

A visitor from far away embarks on a goodwill mission, but is met with the nervous and violent resistance he’s come to suppress.  While he maintains the notion of peace, he has been given a powerful tool to erase the society that may threaten life itself.

 Decades after a miraculous discovery, a powerhungry civilization arrives, looking for the last remnants of that secret which drove even an artificial mind insane.  Forced to revive said rogue creation, a battle for survival begins anew — with help from an unlikely ally.

What could I be talking about?   Think you can put titles to these stories that are due out this fall?  Which of these is not like the others?

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But like slipping on a comfy pair of gloves, here it is — a new season of Heroes.  Slack-jawed Peter Petrelli, doe-eyed Claire Bennett, goofball Hiro & sidekick Ando, the list goes on.  Powers upon powers, buckets of blood, angst and humor in equal doses… check, check and double-check.

But the dreaded hydra of time-travel continues to be a thorn in my side. 

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Not since Chrono Trigger for the Super Nintendo has there been a good time travel story (that I’ve read or seen or played.)  Hiro gets ANOTHER advance preview of another city-destruction sequence, this time looking like a hammier version of Blade Runner.

Really, when it comes to apocalyptic visions, reality is stranger than any fiction.  The Hubble Space Telescope recently observed changed in the object SCP-06F6; a huge gamma ray burst that would have been like any of the other kabillion gamma ray bursts out there… except… those kinds of bursts don’t randomly appear out of nowhere… or disappear soon afterwards…  a high energy blip for about 200 Earth days and then *poof*… gone…

OMG ALIEN SPACE WAR!!!

 Ah, who cares if the stock market dips and loops around like a roller coaster gone insane!  There’s gamma ray weapon discharges going off and we’re not in the thick of the action!  Curse the theory of relativity!  Curse the time-space continuum! 

(That’s all I’ve got for the moment, folks.  Artwork to follow. >_<)

Greetings, my excellent friends!

As one of our new Spwug colleagues pointed out yesterday, the European Organization for Nuclear Research just activated their Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.  In case you aren’t caught up to speed, the purpose of this Collider is to help physicists better figure out particle physics – including learning more about the Big Bang, black holes, antimatter, and dark matter.  There was even some debate over the safety of such an endeavor, as well as some attempts to stop the Collider from ever being fired up.  But, as of yesterday, the button was pressed, and first phase has begun.  That sucker is on like TRON!

And… so far so good, right?  I mean, we haven’t been invaded by inter-dimensional beings, had our souls devoured by one of The Old Ones, or been sucked into the never-ending void of nothing.

Although, I do have to wonder why my wife and I suddenly have a roommate with a weird eye-stalk coming out of his forehead, or why my walls are bleeding.  Eh, I’m sure everything’s fine.

Besides, I would rather spend this time paying homage to CERN’s first step into the history books by sharing with you a few of my favorite movie and TV moments where “pushing that button” or “flipping that switch” to further science really did screw things up.

 
“Quantum Leap”

I’m sure a lot of you remember this little gem from the late ‘80s/early ‘90s.  It was about a scientist named Sam Beckett who was pressured by his financial backers to prove his theories on time travel or lose funding.  So what did Sam do?  That’s right – he “pressed that button”, stepped into the accelerator… and vanished.  Then, for five seasons, he “leaped” around time, assuming other peoples’ identities from the past and trying to “change history for the better”.  And all he had for help was his best friend who could only appear as a hologram.  Meanwhile, his memory was all Swiss-cheesed and his friends and family back home had to struggle to keep the project together while trying to get him back.  Of course, if he hadn’t pushed that button, we wouldn’t have had five years of a great little show that could.  Unfortunately, pushing that button also meant we had to suffer a major blunder when NBC cancelled the show prematurely, forcing the writers to scramble together a crappy ending.  Sam never went home.  And we never forgave NBC.

 
Back to the Future

Ah, one of my favorite movies.  I’m kinda stretching my own set-up here, since technically Marty’s trip to 1955 was an accident.  But, I think it still qualifies because Doc Brown “flipped that switch” on the time circuits with the intention of using the DeLorean to travel through time to understand the universe better.  It’s just too bad he got shot by Libyans outside the Twin Lone Pines Mall and Marty ended up in the driver’s seat.  Still, the best of intentions led to a great adventure story that ended up with Marty changing his own future for the better and ultimately saving his friend from lead poisoning.  Unfortunately, it also led to two sequels that weren’t bad, but not nearly as good as the adventure that started it all.  Not to mention the fact that thanks to Marty, we had to suffer an “evil” 1985 for a bit.  Crazy drunk pedestrians.

 
“Sliders”

Okay, this one is in slightly the same vein as “Quantum Leap”, but I really loved this show (when it originally aired on FOX).  Here you have a teen-boy genius named Quinn who is developing a way to travel through dimensions.  After an alternate version of Quinn shows up to help Quinn Prime figure out one last equation, QP decides to “press that button” on his remote timer, sending himself, his professor, his pseudo-girlfriend, and a random entertainer into an alternate reality.  Oh, and surprise: the timer has been accidentally reset so that they have to keep traveling to random universes in order to find a way home.  Not only did this get them into a lot of trouble every week, but meeting a female version of oneself is kind of creepy.  So creepy, in fact, that your show gets stuck in a war over creative differences that ends with you getting handed over to the Sci-Fi Channel and most of your original cast leaves.  And we all know what the Sci-Fi Channel does with potentially good shows…

 
The Fly (1986)

David Cronenberg’s 1986 remake of The Fly made the original look like a Disney adventure.  Cronenberg knows how to make with the gross-out, and he didn’t disappoint with this film.  In it, a scientist named Seth Brundle creates a set of telepods that allows teleportation.  For science!  After a couple of minor setbacks, Brundle is finally able to transport living tissue successfully.  So what does he do?  C’mon, have you been paying any attention?  Right – he “pushes the button(s)”, climbs into the telepod and prepares himself for molecular transport.  Unfortunately, a fly literally gets into the works.  And instead of head and arm swapping, we get to watch Jeff Goldblum (in all of his quirky-acting glory) slowly fall apart in what would become one of the best on-screen transformations into a giant, mutated monster.  Sadly, it didn’t end well.  No, Brundlefly did not become a superhero.  No.  He became Brundleflytelepod.  Then he became Brundleflytelepodshotgunheadsplodey.  And just to pour salt in the head wound, we got a lackluster sequel three years later with Princess Vespa and Rocky Dennis.

Well, that does it for this installment.  I wish I could have listed more, but due to space and time (HA!  See what I did there?  Collider!) I decided to limit this list to the first few “don’t push that button” moments that immediately sprang to mind based on my fondness for them.  There are definitely more examples out there.  You can find them in your public library!  Okay, no you can’t.  Okay, maybe.  Look, it doesn’t really matter.  What I’m getting at is this: take a moment to celebrate Collider Day (That’s what I’m dubbing it.  And I’m trade-marking it, too!  Gimme money!) by going out and finding a few titles that you enjoy involving scientists, weirdos, hobos, and general crazy people who “push that button” or “flip that switch” in the interest of science, pop them in your media player of choice, and enjoy!

Oh, and don’t mind that thing in the corner with the tentacles and moss growing on its head.  It only eats when the screaming stops.

The Don is afraid to dive into the plasma pool.  It hasn’t been a full hour since he last ate.