Greetings, Fire Gang!

This past weekend I once again had the honor of guesting at Marscon with my 2wcOnline cohort Danny Valentini.  It was a laid back, relaxing affair, just as it is every year.  Our obligations are usually light – do a couple of panels, spend the rest of the day wandering about and enjoying the sights, as well as spend time with friends.  And fortunately for me, my body realized that it was not without sin, therefore it did not cast the first (kidney) stone at me.  Without that little meddler, it was quite an enjoyable weekend.

It’s at this point that it occurs to me that some of you may be wondering which Marscon I attended, as there are two (that I know of) in the Oosa – one is in Bloomington, Minnesota while the other is in Williamsburg, Virginia.  So, to help everyone tell which one is which, I have constructed this handy-dandy notebook reference tool:

Marscon MN: Situated in a region that knows its summer from its winter.

Marscon VA: Situated in a region that gets confused as to what day of the year it is, let alone what the weather is.

Marscon MN: Home state is known as the “Land of 10,000 Lakes”.

Marscon VA: Home state is known to consume large quantities of “Land O’Lakes” butter.

Marscon MN: Has had an impressive array of television actors since its inception, from shows like “Doctor Who”, “Star Trek”, and “Farscape”.

Marscon VA: Has a nice variety of guests, but they’ve been crazy enough to have us for the past few years.  I think we cancel each other out.

Marscon MN: Their web site has this pair of evil eyes watching you from the top of the page and this cool fadey thingey they have going on when you scroll up or down.  Best experienced with a bowl of Spaghettios.

Marscon VA: They keep their web site simple and elegant, with sparklies all over the place in the top page banner.  It goes better with a bowl of Beefaroni.

Marscon MN: Takes place in March, which is notable because that’s when my birthday is.

Marscon VA: Takes place in January, which is notable because that’s when my birthday is not.

Marscon MN: Offers “Progress Reports” on the site that allows potential visitors to see what’s in the planning stages.

Marscon VA: Doesn’t believe in the current grading system and allows its con-goers to progress at their own pace.

Marscon MN: Has Rob Balder as a guest.

Marscon VA: Has Rob Balder as a… guest…  Hey, waitaminute…

Marscon MN: Is held at a Holiday Inn.

Marscon VA: Is held at a Holiday Outt.

Marscon MN: Suffers from Dementia.

Marscon VA: Suffers from relaxation.

Marscon MN: Was founded in 1999, when everyone was partying like the Prince song.

Marscon VA: Was founded in 1990, three years before everyone was partying to a song.

So, as you can see, there are distinct differences (Curse you, Rob Balder, for messing up my stats!) between the two.  I’ve never actually been to the one in Minnesota, but I would love to check it out some day.  I’m sure that I’d be welcome with open arms.

Until they stumble upon this article.

The Don wants to make an evening of it on Mars.  He’s bringing his sandwich Linda.

Warning: rant doesn’t know when to quit.

Yeah, I know Internet quizzes are too easy when it comes to rant topics. But this the first time I’ve found occasion to do it, so cut me some slack, eh?

This chunk o’ venting applies all across the board of creative arts. And it opens with a plea: creators of all kinds, STOP TAKING THOSE MARY SUE LITMUS TESTS.

Does it seem like an odd thing to write about? I’m sure it does, but I’ve run into this topic six freakin’ times in the past month, and my patience with stupidity only goes so far. Which is to say, not far at all. I’m annoyed with people who make these tests, as well as the people who actually take them in the slightest bit seriously. I mean it. I’m going to smack some heads if I see one more message from someone who’s upset that “the Internet” told them their character sucks unto Sue-ness on some ridiculous quiz just because she has four colours dyed in her hair.

If you’ve spent much time reading online, you’re almost certainly familiar with the Mary Sue/Gary Stu. They go far beyond simple “insert” characters, which are based upon a creator of the work they appear in, but aren’t necessarily Sues/Stus themselves if well-designed. Mary Sues/Gary Stus are characters who are too perfect for the world of the story they’re in, or are so stricken with bad luck despite being “perfect” that you’re supposed to just want to hug them (but often you end up only wanting them to walk off a cliff). They’re always the smart one with knowledge beyond the ken of their peers, the pretty one, and/or the hero. Every other character either wants to sex ‘em or kill ‘em, past the bounds of believability. No matter how badly they behave, other characters easily forgive them–unless those guys are the ones unnaturally obsessed with killing the character. The eyes of the story world’s other characters are always upon the Sue/Stu. The rules of the story’s reality get bent or flat-out broken in order to make a Sue/Stu look better, in both the “Sue/Stu is a shining star” way and the “Sue/Stu is deserving of ultimate sympathy” way. (Look, I’ma just call them all the traditional “Sues” from now on. If Johnny Cash can have “A Boy Named Sue”…then so can I, dammit.)

Unfortunately, as always happens with time and the Internet, the original definition gets warped. People forget how to really define the thing anymore. And suddenly, the definition is incorrectly made so broad that pretty much ANY character can be called a Sue. That’s where the Mary Sue Litmus Tests come in. If you take those quizzes, I estimate there’s a 90% chance your character will be branded a Sue by the test results. I’ll be adding my “research” (if you can call it that) here to prove my point, don’t worry.

For some reason, variations on the “Original Mary Sue Litmus Test” (if such a thing even exists anymore) plague the Internet like a bedbug infestation. For an even more unfathomable reason, budding artists take these tests for their original characters, and take the results seriously, to look at the number of feedback comments wailing “I worked so hard on making my character believable, but this test says she’s just a Sue!” Look, people–as a general rule, Internet quizzes are not written by learned experts. They’re made by bored teens in high school, by college nerds slacking off term papers, and by adult nerds after a long shift behind the cash register at work. I shouldn’t even have to say this, but I will anyways….If you take an Internet quiz–hell, even a random non-quiz website as a valid source of feedback for your creative designs, you’re not just asking for failure. You’re begging for it. Those quizzes and other non-scholarly sources will always steer you in the wrong direction.

What really screws up these tests’ Sue-definitions is that the quizzes use incorrect guidelines to determine Sue-ness. Instead of going by the believability of personality, “perfectness”, and how much the rules are bent for a character, these tests tend to focus on a character’s physical appearance, hobbies, and even their name. I plunked “Mary Sue Litmus Test” into Google and got…well…FAR more results than I wanted to see, given my obvious dislike of this quiz. No, I won’t link to them. I’m giving them too much attention just mentioning them here, really. I took the first six tests that didn’t try to spam me with pop-ups or demand my email address to get my results, and here’s my haul.

Pretty Much Everyone Is A Mary Sue according to these tests, as proven by not just using fictional characters, but also real people, yers truly included. Most of these tests, being near-clones of one another, use similar or identical scoring systems, rating your character from 0 to whatever on the Sue scale (I averaged my scores as best I could).

I took these six quizzes for three characters (two mine from two different canons, third from a video game), two real-life friends of mine, and myself. (And good gods, did that ever take forever. The things I do for you guys….) The results? Five out of those six characters/people were classed as “High Mary Sues.” The only exception was a personal character who’s a talking plant and was classed “Not a Sue”–most of the questions just don’t apply to flora. I tried to answer the questions a second time as if the plant was human, and got a “You’re a Sue!”-type score, though still lower than for us other five human(oid)s. Answers only vary so much when the character changes species. But still, I think your tests are a bit broken, guys. And I’m not the only one–the roleplayers on this LiveJournal community post voiced their own problems with how the quiz they tried was lacking (warning: link contains no-no words). Says LiveJournal user harlecerule: “Basically, the test says ‘Is your character interesting? Okay, they’re a Sue.’ without enough sections for flaws/provisos that turn a ‘Sue trait’ into ‘oh, okay’ to potentially lower the score.” Llamrei replies, “Yeah, that was kind of my impression. Basically their definition of someone who isn’t a Sue is someone who is not out of the ordinary in any way whatsoever.” Browse the 160 comments tot that post, and you’ll see the vast majority of characters tested were high Sues, regardless of how well-designed they were outside of their unique traits.

It gets better, though–the three fictional characters got a LOWER Sue score than the three real people. Yet we were all still High Mary Sues who are completely unbelievable as characters, according to this quiz. My ex-military friend who’s travelled extensively with the forces, learned all about armed combat, has several visible scars from injuries received during training, and earned numerous awards? Totally unbelievable Sue, even though his experience is pretty normal for military personnel. My friend who’s generally considered quite attractive, is multilingual, hotheaded, and very active in conservation groups? Totally unbelievable Sue, even though, again, she’s not that unusual a person in this evolving and competitive world. Me, with an unusual first and last name, frequently mistaken for being a teenager half my age, and left-handed? Totally unbelievable Sue. Apparently having any sort of unique name and DNA that’s been good to me makes me unbelievable as a character. Huh. Who knew. (Of course, I’m not writing up EVERYTHING that affected our Sue-scores…just referencing some of the more ridiculous questions on these quizzes.)

I think it’s the name questions that are some of the most ridiculous. “Does the character’s name mean something?” Unless you made up a name comprised of syllables you like the sound of, EVERYONE’S name means something in some old language. Even common names like John (Hebrew, “God’s grace”) and Margaret (Greek, “pearl”) mean something. Oh, and don’t think you’re off the hook if you just made up a name that has no meaning; unique names ALSO get you Sue points. Being named after anything in nature, such as an animal or meteorological phenomenon, nets you Sue points as well. This is where the test really screwed me, since my parents made up one of my names, and, being of Native American descent, one of my last names is an animal. Which reminds me, having a Native American character puts you in Sue territory in half the quizzes I took. I suppose I should be offended. Apparently, realistic characters don’t have names like Maria TallChief or Peter Blue Cloud. (Go ahead, Google them. I’ll wait.) Really, if you whittle the quizzes down to their bare elements, just having a name puts you in Sue territory, the way some of these tests are rigged. And gods forbid you actually put any imagination into your character’s names! Can’t have creativity when we’re creating, now, can we? That said, you’re toeing the line of Sue-ness when you name your prophesied hero “Destiny” or give names that describe characters’ traits even though no one could have predicted them at birth, like “Oak” for a strong man who’s built like a tree, or “Melody” for a character who loves singing. You can perhaps pull it off if the babies were named based upon some old fortune-teller’s vision of their future at birth, but it’s really a crapshoot.

That’s not even getting into the ways these quizzes repeatedly contradict themselves. Scars appear to be a sore point for whoever writes these things, because I saw two related questions repeated in nearly every test. “Does your character have any visible scarring from battle?” Sue points! “Does your character have no scars despite being in battle?” Sue points! The problem is that these quizzes TRY to be thorough, but they don’t ask enough questions to provide provisos, and also don’t ask the right questions. Just leaving it at “you get Sue points whether or not your character is scarred” is just sloppy writing. Why would you take a quiz about creating art that’s sloppily compiled? As another example, here’re two more contradicting questions that repeat in each of the tests. “Is your character much older than they appear?” Sue points! “Is your character much younger than they appear?” Sue points! It seems that everyone in the History Of Ever must look EXACTLY within their age range. Well, dang. I guess I’ll go punish my naughty genes now.

Additionally, these tests mistake self-insert characters (GOOD if well-written) for Sues (generally always BAD). “Does the character share your beliefs?” “Is the character’s name based off your own?” Dammit, people, how many times must I go into this? Self-inserts are NOT exclusively Sues! And when I was growing up, I was taught that you’re supposed to write what you know. Writing what you know typically does mean that you, the creator, may share a few traits with your characters. But not too much, or you can cross the line into BAD self-insert. Which is largely indistinguishable from a Sue, if a character has many of your good traits and is very skilled, but has few of your faults. I know it’s a very confusing fine line. Which brings me to the final section of this rant-and-a-half….

Basically, physical traits, names, and interests don’t make a character a Sue by default. You can have a Sue who isn’t gorgeous or doesn’t have godlike powers. Conversely, you can have a well-balanced, well-written character who IS beautiful and powerful. While many Sues DO have superior looks, hobbies, intelligence, and/or abilities, those traits do not a Sue make. What makes a Sue is the lack of balance in your character and story design. In order to have them be believable as a character, they must also be believable as a real, flesh-and-blood person. They must make mistakes and bad decisions. They can’t always have the answers. They must have flaws, and they must pay for exercising those flaws–and I mean personality flaws, like occasional cowardice or flying into rages over trivial matters. Being clumsy or missing a finger doesn’t make your character well-rounded. Those are just physical quirks.

If they have extreme power, there still must be limits on that power so they’re not ALWAYS the saviour of everyone around. For example: “Yes, I could destroy the enemy castle with my mind, but the backlash of the power would put me in a coma if it didn’t just kill me, and I’d be totally useless to you guys then.” Or “Yes, I could destroy the enemy castle with my mind, but I can’t control my powers, and it’s not worth the risk that I’d just end up killing all of us by accident instead of the enemies!”

Everyone can’t be in love with or befriend your character. Everyone is not your friend in real life, after all. Not everyone thinks you’re special, and so it must be for your characters. Everyone can’t be talking about your character when they’re not around, or following your character’s every move. Trust me, no one gives a crap about much of the stuff you (all of us) do here in the real world, and the same must hold true in your created worlds if you want balance. It’s just not that interesting for other people to sit around listening to your character explain how they were the sole saviour of the people trapped in the enemy castle by destroying it with their mind. Any rules that you create for your world must also apply to your character. I don’t care if you’ve got a Jedi with a lightsaber in medieval France. That Jedi is still going to need rules and limits on what he can and can’t do, or you’re going to have a very boring character. Your audience wants to see what makes your character sympathetic and human (regardless of actual species). If you don’t give them that, then you won’t have an audience.

So forget about those Internet quizzes, you who took them. Trust them, and you’ll end up with a pile of bland flour instead of an interesting character. Focus on making your creations well-rounded and balanced. Examine the world around you to see how people really behave, and make sure it comes through in your works. Don’t be afraid to get creative! You’ll know you’ve done a good job when you notice your audience steadily increasing and the feedback is overwhelmingly positive. (Exceptions to this include Stephenie Meyer, who is essentially paid to write Sues. But that’s another rant for another time.)

And don’t waste your breath trying to tell me how X character is obviously a Sue because they’re pretty/descended from angels/a great singer, rather than because they never do anything wrong and all the main characters have a crush on them. You need to re-read this article from the beginning if you STILL think crap which isn’t related to character personality development makes a Sue.

Yeah, I think that’s enough from me for now. I’ll be seein’ you all next time…whether you like it or not!

Greetings, Kandarian Demons!

As I am sure you are all already well aware, Fox has cancelled “Dollhouse”.  And with that, another Joss Whedon creation meets an unfair and premature demise.

It’s unfortunate, really.  Joss has proven time and again that he has some damn good skills when it comes to making stuff up and putting it out there for the masses.  “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” were both extremely popular and well-written shows, each of which managed to last at least five seasons.  Then there’s Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog – a whimsical internet sensation crafted by Whedon during the WGA writers’ strike back in 2008.  It ended up winning multiple awards, including an emmy.

So, it’s obvious that Joss makes good product.  That being the case, why is it that his last two returns to the small widescreen have each met with failure?  Let’s look at what both shows have in common:

Fox… and Fox.

The first show Joss brought to the 20^th Century jag-offs was that ingenious little sci-fi/western show called “Firefly”.  What made that show work was not just Whedon’s typical mastery of character and dialogue, but also his ability to deftly handle combining two widely different genres into one entertaining show.

Sadly, Fox mishandled this one from the beginning.  First pre-empting it several times with their coverage of the World Series, “Firefly” was stuck on Friday nights – the place where shows go to die.  And to add insult to injury, Fox didn’t even show the episodes in order.  Skipping the two-hour pilot that would have introduced all of the characters, as well as get viewers properly acquainted with Joss’ new universe, the nutwork instead went with the second episode.  This caused a lot of viewers, including me, to scratch my head as I tried to figure out who everyone was and why things were the way they were.  Fox continued to show the episodes out of order until they finally made the decision to pull the plug, refusing to even show the last couple of episodes.  The salt – airing the full two-hour pilot after the cancellation was announced.  That’s showing them, Fox!

And now we have history practically repeating itself.  Once again, Joss Whedon has the plug pulled on a show that had the potential to be great.  Now, I know that he first season of “Dollhouse” wasn’t quite as brilliant as his previous bodies of work.  In fact, the first half of season one was kind of dull, with characters that were difficult to invest in.  Joss’ signature repartee was there, but it felt forced and ill-fitting with this cast of players.  Part of the problem stemmed from the fact that none of these characters seemed to embody that balance of dour and humor.  They were mostly dark.

The blame for this doesn’t rest solely on Whedon’s shoulders, if it lies with him at all.  Once again, the Fawkes network stepped in and did their usual meddling.  First, they made Joss rewrite and/or reshoot several episodes.  Joss has admitted in interviews that the first half of season one was different than what he wanted.  This would explain why the second half seemed to improve.  Then the “Dollhouse” was put where the last Whedonshow died a miserable death – on Friday nights.  Ratings remained abysmal even when the better half of the show aired.

But then, something incredible happened.  Despite bad ratings, “Dollhouse” was renewed for a second season.  Could it be that Fox was finally realizing how badly it kept screwing over the guy who created Captain Tightpants?

Nope.  Sorry.  Just a slight ray of hope only to be extinguished as the network that didn’t understand “Herman’s Head” put “Dollhouse right back on Friday nights.  From there, things continued to go downhill for the show, until Fox made it official a few weeks ago that they were canceling it.  Oh, I know – the official announcement was only made last week.  But Fox made it clear by their actions first – through TV spots announcing that new episodes would not be airing until December, filling their slot with repeats of “House”.  And further, they made it known that they would burn off the rest of the episodes in December.  That’s pretty much preparing the rope for the gallows.

So, here we are… another Joss Whedon show has been canceled.  It’s unfortunate, as the second season was really starting to amp things up.  I stuck with the show through the muck and mire and found myself really starting to like it by the time I got to the most recent new episode.  But once again, Whedon and his fans find themselves back to the drawing board.  As we wait to see what genius he can pull of next and where it might turn up, Joss bides his time until he can put something new out there for everyone to enjoy.  Question is, where will it turn up?

I think he should go back to the web.  His craft seems to work better there.  His fans have unlimited access to his work, and his art seems to thrive in that environment.  There is money and success to be had there if you know how to approach it correctly, and I think Joss has already proven that he knows how to do that.

He certainly seems to have a better grasp on it than Fox.

The Don needs his handler.

Welcome to this week’s post of my Geek Journal!

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Sorry about the lack of a post last week, I was quite busy helping the Tech Crew of Nekocon’s Main Events room. It was very tiring, but I’m happy to say that most things went off without a hitch.

I almost missed making this post as well; between almost getting swept away by the nor’easter that came out of the remnants of Ida (ok, not really, but I did see quite a bit of flooding), and keeping myself busy with some coding I had been meaning to do (when my power wasn’t out due to the former), I’ve been busy these past few days.

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Still running the release candidate of Windows 7; I’m hoping to be able to hold off changing over the release version until I get my new system built sometime early next year. Speaking of my new system, I decided that I’m going to try to go for one of the new six-core i7 processors instead of the current quad-core versions. Yeah, I currently don’t know what I’d do with all of them (with HyperThreading, it makes a total of 12 virtual cores), but I’m sure I’ll find something.

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I’m a fan of the TV series Numb3rs, and while the producers try to do their research, they don’t always get things right. Take, for instance, last week’s episode: The FBI is trying to find a couple of hackers and one of the characters suggests that they keep an eye out on Internet Relay Chat (IRC) for them. Now IRC is real, but some of the things mentioned about it in the episode aren’t completely true. The episode makes it seem like there’s only one IRC server on the internet (there are hundreds of different IRC networks, if not thousands), that it’s totally anonymous (not true on most networks), nothing is tracked (again, not true, some channels on IRC have bot programs whose purpose is to track stats of the channel), and that all users speak leet (yet again, not true; a lot of users just chat normally in their language of choice). Just remember that this is a TV show and sometimes (or most of the time) the facts are stretched to keep things interesting. Not to say that there aren’t IRC networks out there where this stuff isn’t true, but it is usually not the norm.

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That’s it for this week’s post!

Greetings, Banana Splits!

There comes a time in every child’s life when they must put away childish things and become an adult…

…or they can say “To Hell with that” and continue to have fun by going to conventions like Nekocon.

Guess which one I did this past weekend?

To be fair, I was there in an official capacity, as my partner-in-crime Danny Valentini and I were invited to the convention again this year to be guests.  Supposedly, we do this web comic together called “The Draconia Chronicles” that grows in popularity every year.  Now, I would just chalk this up to rumor for now, because everyone knows that there are no such things as web comics.  That’s just a story parents tell their children at night to scare them so that they won’t grow up to get online degrees.

You should know the drill by now – I do a quick recap of my weekend at a convention, you skim over it feeling unfulfilled, then we both reluctantly agree that we need to see other people as we give back all the items we borrowed or gave to each other.

I’m still waiting to get back my copy of the “The White Album.”

As con Fridays go, this year’s Neko offered pretty much the standard fare – I show up at the convention center about two hours before the Opening Ceremonies.  Heading up to the “Con-Ops” room, I procure my Guest badge.  After some spirited conversation about topics I have no recollection of discussing, I make a dotted bee-line for our table in the Artists Alley.  I say dotted because one can never just go to where they are going at a convention.  Invariably, there will be many stops and restarts as you run into old friends for a quick chat, pose for pictures, stop to take pictures, notice something shiny, pause to ponder the secrets of the universe, stop because you’re chewing gum, or hesitate because the all-powerful con gods sent a messenger to you with a gift consisting of this confection called “Pocky”.  And no, I don’t mean the owner of Spwug.

As I survey the landscape of the cavernous region known as the Artists Alley, I catch up with more fellow AA (not Alcoholics Anonymous) commoners as I wait for my cohort to arrive.  I also wait for time to slowly transport me into the future, for that is where the Opening Ceremonies await me.

When the Hour of Trying to Fool People Into Thinking You Are Someone Important in Front of a Medium-Sized Crowd is finally at hand, my recently arrived partner-in-crime and I make our way into the even more cavernous region where the Ceremonies are to take place.  After a series of horrible attempts at humor that are the reason my parents gave me up for adoption, Danny and I – fully convinced that no one knew who the heck we were – remove ourselves and head back over to “Con-Ops”, where we trade our silly old Guest badges for shinier and cooler “Neko Bazaar” badges.  With renewed vigor, we return to the first cavernous area of which I had already mentioned previously.  From there, we set up our table, and begin the attempt to peddle our wares for the rest of the evening.  And that, little Christopher, is how babies are born.

Saturday finds us arriving early, long before noon’s rising sun can greet us.  We have a panel to host and candy tied to strings so that we can lure entice the con masses to our little panel room.  We are able to capture accrue a respectable number of individuals despite our outlandish buffoonery on display.  In fact, I do believe that a couple of them even stop screaming long enough to ask us questions about our web comic.  I call that a success.  Then again, I call not getting maced in the face when I ask a woman the time a success.

From there, we return to our temporary abode in the Artists Alley for more shilling, more debauchery, more talky-talky…blah blah blah…  You’re already asleep, so we’ll skip ahead…

Two in the afternoon!  We have another panel!  But our princess is in another castle!  Dejected from finding yet another one of those stupid Toadstool weirdoes (where do they all come from?  Do they multiply like rabbits?), we make our way back to the same room our last panel was in.  In a strange case of déjà vu, the room looks exactly the same as the last time we were in it.  In fact, maybe this really is the first time we are in it, and the first time really wasn’t the first time, but instead a strange message from the future telling us what lie in store for our fates.

Nope, same room, different panel.

This time we are joined by real artists and writers as we try our best to sound like we know as much as they do about making web comics.  I think we have them fooled right up to the point where I mention something about the right amount of tension needed on a loom when interweaving the threads of a web comic.  I’m not sure where the audience got the pitch forks and torches, but it makes for an exciting conclusion to what I think was a successful panel.

As my counterpart and I make our escape back to the Caverns of AA, we easily slip back into our respective roles – he’s the DJ and I’m the rapper.  Sales seem to be going well on our new “Men of the Quadratic Equation” calendar, as well as a few other items we have somehow managed to fool the commonfolk into believing have magical powers – mainly some Shamwow!s, as well as a few pounds of Mighty Putty.  Throughout the afternoon and evening we get several con-goers who stop by claiming to be fans of our web comic.  But, I know the truth.  After being visited by them as often as I am, you tend to recognize evil spirits when they show up to haunt you and ask you for favors.

It is at this point that I also have a vision that my wife is in an 80s glam-pop band.  I shiver from the delusion, then down a couple burgers that are really cookies.  My life is strange.

The greatest highlight of Saturday has to be in the evening when we go to dinner.  It isn’t often when an evil spirit actually tries to get you drunk so that they can take advantage of you.  Joke’s on him, though.  I would have said yes sober.

Sunday seems to be a blur.  No, I mean every Sunday seems to be a blur.  I think my brain just hates living in my cranial cavity so much that it just decides to shut down every seventh day as a middle finger to me and my ancestors.  I can’t fathom why.  I mean, it isn’t my fault that the Waltons aren’t real.

Now that I think about it, I do seem to recall some events took place on Neko’s Day of Sun.  We have a final panel wherein we are usurped by dark forces who yank the proverbial rug out from under us by yanking the actual rug out from under us.  I think we still manage to do a fairly adequate job of teaching the wailing masses how not to create or develop characters.  At least, I pray to Bill Cosby that we did.

A few more hours of trying to prove to the con folk that we are not wax statues and the con is officially over.  As my main squeeze who is not my wife but is really the artist who draws the web comic I scribble words for and I break down and cry our set-up at the table in the AA Caverns, we say our goodbyes to a few of the fellow artists who were crazy enough to talk to us.  We make our way to the bar in the hotel that is across the way from the convention center.  I remark as we head over that a way looks an awful lot like grass and asphalt.  Once inside the bar, a friend buys me an apple pie – except that this pie is really liquid and I have to drink it instead of eat it.  But hey, in today’s economy everyone has to make sacrifices – even our American icons.  I heard that baseball is currently just gardening in order to save money.

With the evening now upon us, we make our way to Olive Garden.  There, a free meal awaits all of us who were sneaky enough to convince the staff that we were Guests Neko Bazaar attendees.  But first we stand outside the restaurant to play a game called “Parking Lot-to”.  The object of the game is to stand out in the parking lot until the number of people in your party matches the number called.  Our group makes it to the bonus round, where we win some fabulous prizes – including our meals, as well as a copy of the home game.  I can’t speak for those who are still in the parking lot after we are seated, though I’m told that “manicotti formaggio” is Italian for “convention stragglers”.

I’m glad I ordered the chicken alfredo.

The Don would like to give his heartfelt thanks to everyone at Nekocon for their gracious generosity and hopes to be invited back next year!

… I’m gonna have to punk out on this week’s “Office” and give you a “Don Says…” instead.  It’s just as good as an “Office”… really it is.

Okay, it’s almost as valuable as a “Meeting”, at least.  Listen, you can’t use any of these as legal tender (or even chicken tenders) anyway, so what’s the big deal?

Anyhoo, the reason I committed such a heinous act and punked out on a full “Office” article this week is because Nekocon is this weekend.  As we all know, Nekocon is that magical place where dreams come true and wine flows from the highest mountaintops in cascading waterfalls.  It’s where River Phoenix is still alive and continually successful in film and Tom Green didn’t survive putting his bum on a rhino.

Okay, it’s really an anime convention in my backyard of Hampton, Virginia.

But, the best news is that 2wcOnline, that awesome website that is the home of that awesome web comic called The Draconia Chronicles that I’m the writer for – you know, the one that has links to it on the right side of this here Spwug site?  Do you even know where you are right now?  Maybe you should lay down…

Lost my thought of trains…

Oh yeah – 2wcOnline will be there as web comic guests again this weekend!  My partner-in-crime Danny Valentini and I will be there all weekend pimping out our new Draconia Chronicles 2010 Calendar, as well as the rest of our stuff.  We will also be heading up several panels throughout the weekend.  Grab your peepers and check out the sched:2wcOnline

2wcOnline presents The Draconia Chronicles:   SAT 10a – 11a  in Panel 3

2wcOnline State of Webcomics:   SAT 2p – 3p in  Panel 3

2wcOnline Character Creation and Development:   SUN 1p – 2p in  Panel 3

So, if any of you happen to be going to Neko and want to come by and pay your resident Spwugnerian as well as both 2wcOnline Chuckleheads, feel free!  And next week, I will return to my regular programming with a rundown of the con.

I’m The Don and I approve this massage.

Greetings, Fraggles!

This week has been a hectic one.  But, so as not to deny you another installment of Hallowe’en-themed goodness, I present to you another of my world-famous two-fer reviews.  This week’s goodies fit in perfectly with the monthly festivities – Zombieland and Trick ‘r Treat, brought to you with limited commercial interruption…

Zombieland

It was just over twenty years ago when we last saw the popularity of watching the living dead shamble across our movie screens start to wane.  Then, right at the beginning of this “new millennium” I keep hearing about, the spark got relit, and suddenly re-animated corpses have become all the rage again.  Unfortunately, we are currently in a situation where it seems like everyone in Hollywood wants to make a zombie film (when they aren’t cranking out remakes ad nauseum).  This strategery has made it so that moviegoers have become oversaturated by the very thing they’ve been crying “brains” over.  The other side effect?  With so much crap out there, it makes it harder and harder to find the occasional gem, or to even care if one is found.

Luckily, there are still occasions where a zed-word flick is done correctly, and it is practically handed to fans on a silver platter.  The last truly great one was Shaun of the Dead in 2004.  This year, we got Zombieland.

The odd thing about Zombieland from the beginning is that it isn’t really a zombie film.  I mean, it is… but instead of the zombies being the focal point of the film, they are merely  the back drop.  I read a review a few weeks ago that summed it up best – it is a dark comedy, road trip film with a zombie apocalypse as the setting.

And I think that this is where the genius of the film comes in, as not only does this make the movie a character-driven flick, it also makes this film a character-driven flick.  We given a brief set-up (in slo-mo- contradictory!) during the opening credits establishing the current world our characters live in.  Then, we are immediately released into this world to get to know our protagonists.  Sure, they do have to fight zombies throughout the flick, but in the end this movie is all about how each of the main characters handles their situation.  Not just the living dead, but isolation, betrayal, loss, love, and lack of Twinkies.  And all of this is played with a fair amount of dark comedy, as well as a clever use of “wordplay”.  I’ll let you go see it to find out what I mean.

With all of these ingredients put together, Zombieland is almost a perfect little film.  My only problem?  At just under 90 minutes, it feels to short.  This is definitely a world I would have liked to have spent time in a little while longer.  As it is, Zombieland is good enough that I want to go back and see it in theaters again.

Trick ‘r Treat

The movie Warner Brothers sat on for two frikkin’ years because they “didn’t know how to market it”, according to some sources.  Others hinted that it may have been shelved because it was produced by Bryan Singer and that WB was still sore over the lackluster performance of Superman Returns.

Whatever the reason, its heart or its shoes, the Warner Brothers (and the Warner sister!) finally decided to release this finely-crafted film on the Blu a couple of weeks ago.  And after two years of hearing all the positive buzz on this film and not being able to see it for myself, I finally snagged me a copy and gave it a look-see this past weekend.

I was not disappointed.

This is a well-crafted film.  Following in the footsteps of previous anthology horror staples like Creepshow, this movie follows four different, intersecting storylines that are told in a Tarantino-style chronology.

I’m going to be blunt – this movie is an instant Hallowe’en classic.  It’s also an instant film classic.  The stories are interwoven so beautifully that you have to watch this a few times just to catch how certain items, moments, or even people are connected to the different segments.  The actors are given plenty to work with, allowing each of them to build and perform as well-rounded, three-dimensional characters.

And the most important part – Trick ‘r Treat will get you into the Hallowe’en spirit immediately.  The tone of the film is dead on.  I found myself grinning from ear to ear the whole time, completely transfixed to what was being presented on the screen.  By the time I was done, I realized my only error was that I watched it while it was still daylight, instead of at night with the lights off.

If you are a big fan of All Hallow’s Eve (and who isn’t?), it’s practically guaranteed that this film will become an integral part of your October viewing, right next to the original classic that shares this holiday’s name.  I’ve already planned on watching it a couple more times myself before the month is over.

That wraps up this installment of tricks and treats.  Only one more week remains between now and the day of The Great Pumpkin.  So, what are you still doing here reading this drivel?  Go check out those movies already!  I didn’t give my seal of approval on these movies for my health, you know…

The Don forgot to check his candy.  Now he’s got candy corns…

Some were expecting me to write a nice long rant about Jeph Jacques’s* recent blog post on the “State of the Webcomics Union”, part of which read:

The idea of critical analysis of webcomics has largely died out. Sure, people still blog about webcomics and “review” them and stuff, but it’s become a tiny, tiny niche sector. I think this is mainly because there’s not a whole lot of point to reviewing something anybody can go look at for free and make up their own mind about! Is this a good thing? I have no idea.

*The creator of the terrific webcomic Questionable Content, reviewed by yers truly here.

I’m not going to write a nice long rant on this rather controversial view because, well, just look at that statement. I shouldn’t have to point out the irony of someone saying that talking about the world of webcomics is becoming obsolete in a heavily-read blog post that is talking about the world of webcomics. Also, even though the majority of my current articles aren’t about webcomics, most of the traffic I get here on Spwug comes from people who are looking for more information about them. So, you know. Suck on that for a bit. You can split hairs about what you think was actually being said on ye olde LiveJournal, but I’m here to write about something more positive this week.

Instead of complaining about geek divisions, I’m here to talk about geek love, and how it penetrates (huh huh, I said “penetrates”) webcomics, even through other genres of nerdism.

Tonight, I watched the supremeariffic (it’s a word now) parody movie The Gamers: Dorkness Rising. As anyone who’s seen it knows, it relies heavily on making funny commentary about dice gamers. But it went beyond that, oh, yes. Within the first few minutes, the character Nodwick was introduced–a henchman NPC (not to be confused with Dungeons & Dragons’ hireling NPC’s), whose primary role is to lug the adventuring party’s crap and do all the little odd jobs the player characters just don’t want to do–like guarding treasure–as it would distract them from seducing tavern wenches and priestesses.

Hey, wait, this Nodwick guy sounds familiar…and I don’t just mean in the context of Dungeons & Dragons parody. Why is that….Oh, I know! The webcomic Nodwick, which is itself a nod to tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons. A gaming movie nod to a webcomic that’s a gaming nodwick?

META BLACK HOLE. MY GOD, IT’S FULL OF SCARS.

For much of the movie, the gamemaster wears a shirt featuring switchblade-toting rabbit Bun-bun, from the webcomic Sluggy Freelance. While not a gaming parody webcomic (Sluggy pokes fun at pretty much everything), it wasn’t any less “nifty” a nod, as the Sluggites would say. It gives me a fuzzy tingle to think of the movie crew, largely geeks in real life as well, leaving the dice and the set to go home and possibly read webcomics.

Maybe we don’t have hundreds of thousands of webcomic-reviewing blogs right now, like we do for celebrity scandals and politics (both MASSIVELY more well-known topics than online comics; let’s be honest here). But it’s not like discussion of the digital-comic world is going away, despite what Jacques wrote. If anything, the discussions are growing in number, as webcomics themselves become less limited to the dark corners of the Internet and start penetrating (heeeeee) the general online realm, and the world outside our computers as well. More people read webcomics; thus, more people discuss webcomics. (How many movies would have featured webcomics fifteen years ago, hmmm?) You no longer have to perform arcane rituals in order to find a webcomic review, and these reviews are no longer limited to randomly-updating personal blogs. Now, you can talk about your favourite online comics at convention panels, while hanging out with friends, or even with total strangers who recognize your Bun-bun shirt on the street. Online, you can find reviews of webcomics on almost any site that appeals to the general nerd, in the comments as well as the posts. Opinions are EV’-RY-WHERE! To say that expressing opinions about one single topic is dying out is not that much less absurd than saying that expressing opinions in general is dying out. You know what they say about opinions and arseholes, after all….

And this was mine. Opinion, I mean. You don’t get to see the other thing.

Well. I guess I did rant a little after all. Therapeutic! I’ll see ya all next time, yo.

Greetings, Soldiers of the Future!

Hallowe’en is approaching fast, so it’s important that I impart on you some vital information that could make the difference between whether you have a killer Hallowe’en… or a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en (trust me, no one wants a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en; I’ve seen pictures and it’s downright frightening).

I’m sure you all remember that I recently came into some prize items at the recent horror convention shindig.  Let me remind you: it was a brisk, autumn evening.  I was dressed as some character from a series of movies that a couple people have seen.  I raised a few eyebrows.  I won some stuff.  The end.

Only it’s not the end.  See, one of those prizes (if you actually read my stuff remember) was that life-size, cardboard standee of Freddy Krueger.  Well, needless to say he found a warm cozy spot in Casa de The Don rather quickly:

As you can see, he is quite happy standing under his street sign in our foyer/dining room/entrance to the kitchen/walkway to the stairs/post you have to go around to get to the downstairs bathroom.  From there, he is free to greet anyone who is foolish enough to come into our home through our front door.

This would include Mrs. The Don.

This leads me to today’s lesson, kids – How to Scare the Bejeezus Out of Your Loved One(s) with Your Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee Appropriately and Responsibly (or HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR for short).  This is part two of a three-part series.  If you haven’t completed part one yet, please turn the record over and begin on side A.

Let’s begin (click on the images to see them larger):

Step 1:

Always make sure your loved one is greeted warmly from the bushes when they come home from work.  They have had a long, rough day, and a simple hello from a severely burned child-murderer is just the thing to lift their spirits:

And remember – daytime is okay, but night time is generally better, as it reduces glare.

Step 2:

When your loved one brings in the mail, make sure that they are shown exactly how appreciated their efforts are.  A simple, razor-gloved greeting can make all the difference between having your post handed to you lovingly… or being tossed to you in a screaming, violent frenzy:

Step 3:

Sometimes, it’s important for your Freddy standee to have friends over so that your loved one doesn’t feel so lonely on those cold, late nights when she’s home alone.  Having both of them there together provides the type of company that tells your loved one, “We’ll always be here whenever you turn around.”:

Step 4:

Ever run out of TP before you were finished?  With your Freddy standee, this doesn’t have to be a problem for your loved ones anymore.  The Dream Master will make sure you always have an extra roll handy… or two for those extra…“surprises”:

Step 5:

Everybody loves ninjas (except those blasted pirate-lovers).  What better way to show your loved one that you are a fun person who is up-to-date on the latest stealth techniques than by teaching your Freddy standee the art of ninja.  With a few quick and easy lessons (available where the HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR album series is sold), you’ll have your sweater-clad menace descending from the rafters with ease for a rousing, family-friendly game of hide-and-seek:

Step 6:

What better way to top off the end of a long day then to have your homicidal nightmare help your loved ones with chores before bedtime.  From doing the dishes to mowing the lawn to helping your loved ones put their laundry away in the closet, your loved one will be extremely grateful to have the free time to relax before a solid night of restful sleep:

And there you have it!  Take it from me, two-time Bejeezus-scaring champion The Don – follow these six steps, and you’ll find yourself becoming a master Bejeezus-scarer in no time with your Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee.

Pleasant dreams, Mrs. The Don!

The Don is sooo sleeping on the couch tonight.  At least Mr. Krueger will be keeping him company.

…congratulations to Richard and Katy, the supreme rulers of the Spwugniverse!!!!!

They are the essence of everything that is Spwug.  Without either of them, this site wouldn’t be here to bring you a daily dose of all things geek.

It was an honor and a privilege to witness the joining of these two forces of good.  They are my friends.  They are my family.  I am proud to be the head writer of something they envisioned, and I am proud to be a part of their lives.

My best wishes to both of you, Pocky Rich and Katy.  Here’s to bigger and greater things.  With your powers combined, anything is possible.