Or the week. Sorry guys, I fail at updating today because when I have not been assembling the next issue of Spwug (the dead tree editions) I have been on a cross country airplane or trying to find furniture for my new place. I am, as I type, moving across the US from the DC area to right near LA, and it seems to be somewhat exhausting. Oh man.

Fortunately for me I can sit down on the sofa and watch Meet the Robinsons or play a little Paper Mario for a few minutes before I pass out. (um, ok, so The Boy has most of the furniture thing done already. I’ve been getting a dresser and a night stand. But Ikea is HUGE! Also SCARY! It was HARD to find the dressers!) I will try to have some more coherent thoughts strung together after a little bit of sleep, and make with some better posting.

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I left my house to go to ONI-CON last Thursday at 2pm. It would take me about an hour to get to the airport via public transportation, and after that it’d be an hour before my flight left at 4pm. I arrived at the airport, checked my luggage and waited at the gate with plenty of time to spare. I was going to be in Houston by 9pm Central Time.

That’s where everything went wrong.

Pulling out of the gate, the pilot announces that the airplane’s air-conditioning has broken and we need to pull back in to the gate so the technicians could manually fix it. This delays us substantially, since we also have to wait our turn again on the runway. We land in Detroit at around 7:30pm, which is an hour late, and fifteen minutes after my connecting flight to Houston has already left.

I go to the desk to get a ticket for the next available flight out to Houston. I’m told it’s at 9:30am the next morning. Fourteen hours from that moment. The lady at the desk gives me a phone number to call for a “distress rate” at a hotel and advises me to make sure that whatever hotel I choose has a shuttle so I don’t have to pay extra for a cab ride. With a hotel room not in my budget at all, I decide to stay in the airport all night.

After a long night of walking the airport halls, drinking at the overpriced airport bars and trying to sleep in the uncomfortable airport chairs, I get a phone call at 7:15am that next morning. I’d already been there for twelve hours. Only two more to go and then I’d be on my way to the convention… except that the phone call is an automated voice telling me that my 9:30am flight had been canceled due to “airplane maintenance” and the next flight out wasn’t until 12:15pm. I nearly put my fist through a window when I realized I would be waiting around for another five hours.

I decided I was going to fetch my checked bag and take my business somewhere else. I searched for anyone to speak to, which took me another twenty minutes. When I found the proper employees, they directed me to the customer service gate where someone would be there to help me. What I found were two empty desks, some ticket scanners and cell phones that one would use to call the customer service help-line. I told the person on the other line, very calmly and patiently for a man who’d been up all night in an airport, that I wanted to get my luggage and book a flight on another airline. She said she would connect me to the “customer service baggage claim help-line.” I got a busy signal and the phone hung itself up.

At this point I’m starting to get delirious from the combination of exhaustion and anger.

I tried to book a flight on another airline and have my bag sent to me via the later flight, but thanks to my fatigue I ran the wrong way to the connecting terminal and ended up going past security and out the doors. The woman at the new airline gate told me “too bad, you won’t make it” and sent me on my way back through security.

At last I found someone at the customer service gate that was not a ticket scanner nor a cell phone. I told her of my ordeal and she apologized on behalf of the airline. For my patience and good nature I received two “inconvenience vouchers.” One had a coupon worth ten dollars at an airport food vendor. The other had a coupon to sign me up for that airline’s frequent-flyer program. Ha.

I did, however, get to ride first class on that 12:15pm flight. I was exhausted and stressed. I was going to miss half a day of the convention and I was sick to death of traveling. The conversation that ensued with the stewardess was a nice ending to this travel nightmare.

“Hello, sir. Can I get you something to drink?”
“Oh god, yes. How much for a glass of scotch?”
“Alcohol is free in first class, sir.”
“…..”
“Sir? Why are you smiling like that?”
“No reason. Just bring me a scotch and keep ‘em coming.”

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Like Mookie last week, life caught up to me this weekend. I closed the show I was working on, and then started to tear it all down. This, for those of you who don’t work in the Wonderful World of Theatre means looooooooooooooooooong hours and not enough sleep. So. I now present to you a fantastic photo of me at work. At 3 am. Yes, I got back up and went back to work after. I’ll post for real next week, after I’ve had some sleep.

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Jack Thompson. There. I said it. I invoked him. Now that that unpleasantness is out of the way, I can freely finish this piece whilst I wait for the incoming cease-and-desist to my email inbox.

I invoke JT early, because love him or hate him, he’s successfully become the figurehead for a movement that is based by and large on misconception and hot-button rhetoric. That’s right. A movement. He’s not alone in this, although the average gamer with a mind to stand up for their favorite activity has no idea about any of the other principle players. Lock and load, guys and gals, because that in and of itself should scare you.

Still in the dark? Just recently, California State Sen. Leland Yee tried to introduce a law in California aimed at the control of video games containing “any objectionable and/or violent material”, with such restrictions and judgment of material being in the hands (by and large) of the government of California. Let me backtrack, as “tried” is incorrect here. The bill BECAME LAW. However, in a move to strike down what was shaping up to essentially be an anti-ESRB mandate, the law was deemed as unconstitutional. This isn’t without precedent, as other laws were taken out by eight other jurisdictions, including three appeals courts, which all deemed said laws to be unconstitutional. Victory for common sense, yes? Oh the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! Here comes Ah-nuld, the Governator himself, to appeal the decision. Feel free to simulate the sensation of slamming your head into your desk at any time. Conan the bloody barbarian is putting his foot down against game violence.

How about the 11th hour ruling 2001 ruling which blocked an Indianapolis law banning violent coin-op games?

Let that sink in for a moment. That’s just two states. Two of fifty and a few territories of just lil ol’ U S of A. Let’s check the globe, shall we? Prime Minister Brown of England is currently launching an offensive into strict regulations concerning video games. Germany has a long standing history of out-and-out banning certain titles, adhering age limitations and deciding what (if any) stores may carry or sell these items.

But I digress, and tend to fly off my intended target. We were chatting about the United States here. So, concerning the upcoming Presidential election in 2008, are there any candidates that vouchsafe ol’ JT’s ramblings? Oh. My. Yes. Democratic runner Hillary Clinton. Senator Clinton decided it would be a stroke of brilliance to introduce the Family Entertainment Protection Act in November, 2005. The act in and of itself would have hit retailers with extravagant fines for not being on the ball. I’ll point out, that no such act/consequence exists for movie rental stores, theaters, galleries, museums, grocers, or concert venues beyond the distribution of controlled substances. Brilliant and savvy move by the body politic, that.

How about that hot-and-spicy violence issue, eh? It’s a favorite of pundits, and is laden with the most up-to-date information from any number of unbiased specialists confirming beyond any shadow of a doubt that videogames are little more than Orwellian brain washing offerings placed lovingly into devices which give us an interactive Two Minutes’ Hate.

Mario is ALWAYS at war with Pacifica.

“But Xero,” you may ask; “what proof is out there that proves the bleak Mad-Max future videogames will provide for our babies”? Well, let us have a peak into what the best and brightest of science have to offer! Most recently, it was proven that the VA Tech shooter was the byproduct of years of behavioral conditioning at the hands of bits and bytes. Oh wait. I’m Sorry. According to a investigative panel appointed by Gov. Tim Kaine , he wasn’t. In fact, the panel appointed by that state’s politic found no evidence whatsoever of a connection between video games and the horrible violence that ensued that day. It still didn’t stop some people from leaping to their pulpits before the blood stopped pooling. No video games programed Seung Hui Cho into Charles Bronson. Unless, that is, there was a secret FPS level in Sonic the Hedgehog that I managed to skip. Sonic. Not Shadow. We’re talking pre-hedgehogsploitation here, folks.

But that’s not enough. Let’s go to a previous study by Villanova University, led by Prof. Patrick Markey, which clearly illustrates the sinister subliminal commands issued by the ruling Technocratic- what?

What’s that?

The results were that the measured responses of 167 students who were asked to play violent games like Doom 3 and Return to Castle Wolfenstein as well as tamer titles such as Tetris Worlds and Project Gotham Racing did not produce violent tendencies? Well, ok. Sure. Surely it made them all angry and ill-tempered, however. It’s painfully obvious.

Oh.

Wait…

The titles only produced noticeable spikes in anger with people who have documented anger management issues. Huh. Well for the sake of campaigning, we’ll allow the politicians to merrily obfuscate any connections between offenders and documented histories of mental ailments. Consider it the grown-up version of plugging your ears with your fingers while chanting “I’m not listening,”.

With that in mind, it’s up to the government to wax hegemony and tell parents how to raise their children, in every minute regard concerning every intimate detail of parenthood. Once you have a child, you see, your DNA magically restructures itself so that your higher brain functions cease upon entering a Game Stop or Electronics Boutique.

You shamble along the aisles with your offspring in tow, drooling and moaning the protestations of a wounded animal that’s been absconded out of the familiarity of it’s natural habitat. Your eyes are a fogged-over remnant of sentience as your mind reels and is incapable of taking in the myriad of bright colors and flashy fonts that assail you from every gleaming box on the shelves.

Upon reaching the register, your fight-or-flight mechanism has taken complete control of your adult mammal body. The strange world and it’s denizens inside the store frighten and confuse you to the point where you gladly hand over a wad of cash without a second thought to the consequences, let alone the physical act of turning over the box in your sweating hands to check a rating.

Parents aren’t to blame. One can not stave off the collective voodoo of the Videogame Industry and it’s dark workings on the fragile and easily-tricked mind of your average parent. Parents, ye be warned. Here there be monsters.

Thankfully, such a mental metamorphosis never occurs when taking junior to the local cinema. No sir. Thank the powers that be for a Government that is staffed with individuals who understand that your average parental unit is a moron and your average child is little more than a sponge that takes in any and all information through a process of osmosis that is currently unclassified by modern scientists.

When you get that power-up, the terrorists win.

It’s dangerous to go alone, take these bureaucrats.

Only you can stop frags.

Winners say no to unlocked achievements.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s gamer score.

We will win the war on the electronical entertainments.

So what’s the underlying reason for this kind of knee-jerk campaigning? In a word: games. Games are for children. We’ll ignore the current demographic of 16-35 year olds, because we know what the word “game” means, thank you very much. Additionally, video games are not art; and we’ll gloss over the fact that said issue was once applied to books, movies and music. Video games, at their core, are aimed at turning our rosy-cheeked youths into mindless killing machines. We’ll ignore any research that points to the contrary. There are no bad parents. There are no bad children. Everyone can be trusted, except the ESRB, a self-governing entity designed to answer the threat of non-artistic murder simulators such as *shock and awe* Mortal Kombat. Thanks, Senator Lieberman. I owe you a coke.

Ideally, we consider ourselves a government of the people. Sadly, as is proven time and time again, that means little if the people aren’t informed and vigilant. If you consider yourself a defender of the media; a minuteman (or woman) who’s ready to stand up against ignorance and political vice aimed at your lifestyle, then you owe it to yourself to be aware. Read. Learn. React. Find out who up on the podium REALLY has your interests at heart.

Try Game Politics, ECA, Videogame Voters, and even Kotaku and the Game|Life blog at Wired.

Insert vote. Then insert coin.

-Xero Reynolds

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Well, a few announcements first. Then a quick rant. Then pie!

Thing the First: Dearest readers, not only is Spwug issue 3 now available for presale. Chock full of articles from our writers here AND from myriad others, there is also art, the latest installment of Captain Space, and the results of a haiku contest… C’mon, you know you want to know about the haikus.

Thing the Second: If you aren’t satisfied with merely preordering one issue, you can now order a subscription of all four yearly issues! All the art and haikus you can stand! And probably more!

Ok, that’s it for the commercials. On to the Rant.

Now, I probably won’t talk about video games EVERY time I write, but it’s on my mind a lot lately. I work in theatre as a tech, and a fair number of my fellow backstage gremlins play. Also, a fair number of the carpenters, riggers, and automation engineers are male. (Oddly enough, in my area, most of the electricians and crew chiefs are really hot girls… take THAT gender inequality!)

Thing is, the second that talk at work turns to games, and it becomes obvious that I play WoW, work seems to grind to a halt. The guys are so stunned that not only do I really, honestly play video games, that they end up gaping at me rather than putting the scenery together. This naturally holds up MY work, and all I want to do is go home on time, thanks.

So. Guys. Here’s some advice. If you suddenly discover that the hot chick next to you is, in fact, the best Halo player you’ve ever known, or that her level 70 Horde Shaman could eat your weenie Alliance warrior for breakfast, please- if you want to have ANY chance with her- don’t just stand there staring at her like she has grown another head. Take a deep breath, close your mouth. And please, try not to think “but girls don’t play video games!” We can tell when you think that.

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