There’s an old saying where I come from, and it goes something like this:

“If you can’t come up with a Spwug article for the week, just make something up.”

How anyone in my home town even knew there would ever be a web site called Spwug some day in the future is a riddle that we may never solve (radiation spill).  Be that as it may, today it just happens to be good advice.  I’m having a frazzleweek (not to be confused with a Fraggle Rock) this week, and it’s making it tough to come up with anything substantial to offer.  So instead, I once again break out the odds and ends that I have come across over the past couple of days, plop them all into a stew pot, add some seasonings, stir, and serve it to you with some blue milk, courtesy of the charred corpse of Aunt Beru.

What?  It’s not like the Lars family was going to be drinking it anymore.  It was just sitting there on the table.

Megaman 10 is out.  Rockman continues to cry at the injustice.

For those of us still clinging to the nostalgia of our 80s roots (and who really isn’t these days?) and were feeling a little like we got repeatedly crotch-punched by the last fanboy-pleasing offering, Capcom once again gives us the retro-NES-looking goodness of Megaman 10.  While the last installment offered Proto as DLC, this time he comes ready-to-play, with Bass being the DLC character this time around.  All of the graphic and gameplay charm of 9 returns, but this time you can save yourself a cranial bruising from beating your head against the wall – Megaman 10 includes an “easy mode”.  Meanwhile, the Japanese continue to laugh at us while they exist in their superior universe.

Final Fantasy XIII also came out this week.  World buckles at the contradiction.

I stopped playing this series a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away…), sometime after X or XI or XVIC or whatever that one was with the different characters (stupid Roman numerals).  I’ve read that there have been a few changes, one of which is that the battle system is set up similar to Advent Children.  I’ve heard mixed feedback.  A few of my friends seem to enjoy it, while a few others do not.  And still a few other others are still wondering how there are thirteen of them when it’s the “Final Fantasy” (and even more when you count the spin-offs).  I still maintain that three six is the best one Square has ever done, and they will never be able to top just how well that game is.

The new Tron Legacy trailer is online.

Some of you may be a wee bit too young to remember the movie that put CG animation on the map and laid the groundwork for what Spielberg, Cameron, and Pixar are doing today in film.  Tron didn’t pull in a very large box office when it opened back in 1982, but it has since gained a cult following – enough of one that Disney finally greenlit a sequel last year.  Jumping on the viral marketing bandwagon, Disney has kept the details scarce on this new movie, but has made discovering the details rather fun and exciting.  Most recently, people around the world had the opportunity to go on hide-and-seek missions to find an individual wearing a “Flynn Lives” t-shirt in several major cities around the globe.  The reward?  Exclusive swag, and the ability to unlock an online page that featured dates and locations for a “secret” showing of the new trailer for Tron Legacy.  For those who could stand to wait a few extra days, the trailer went online for everyone this week.  And it is badass.

Speaking of movie trailers…

I’ve got two words for you: “briefcase armor”:

Click here to view the embedded video.

One of these things is not like the other…

Word has it that John Krasinski has landed the role of Captain America for the new Marvel film.  You may know him from the American version of “The Office”.  The rest of you may know him as the guy completely wrong for the part.

And that concludes this broadcast day!  I know I said before that I would be making stuff up, but I decided not to… or, at least not entirely.  One of the things I mentioned above is not at all true (or is close to the truth but not true).  Can you figure out which one?  Ooohh!  Puzzles!  I’m guessing that this one won’t be enough of a challenge to keep you busy until next Thursday, will it?

Probably not.

There’s nothing special about The Don.  He’s just an ordinary program.

I’d like to preface this with the statement that, despite how I may paint it, this is NOT a 100% bad, awful, icky film. However, I don’t think it’s worth the cost of a full-price ticket. I’ll tell you right now, wait until this flick hits the dollar theatres, or else get it off Netflix later. It’s worth seeing at least once, but you’re really not missing anything if you opt to just watch it on the small screen.

And so, let us proceed with my take on Alice in EmoWonderland.

In case you hadn’t guessed from this entry so far, the movie was awash in emo. The original books were rather dark in nature, but I don’t recall them being a wannabe-goth teen’s “moist sleep-vision.” What you get from this movie is the Mad Hatter and his tea party guests mourning the loss of the old days before the Red Queen took over their fair land and turned it into a grey, foggy, overcast, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Very little action to be had. A lot of depressed people shuffling around acting depressed because their lives are depressing, and it depresses them.

The happily-absurd dialogue that made the books so endearing was almost entirely stricken from the film, leaving the audience with nothing but the ever-present emo to cling onto. An attempt at the entertaining insanity of the original stories was made with the Mad Hatter, but it seems the film’s writers confused “constantly-changing accent” with “mental instability.” One second Johnny Depp wath thlurring hith wordth juth like thith; the next, he was breaking into a brogue that lay somewhere between Ireland and Scotland; the next-next, he was attempting to sound like a classic English gentleman. And his behaviour, ranging from childlike whimsy to nearly homicidal, combined with his creepy fixation on Alice that apparently began when he met her as a six-year-old girl, just made many of us in my group uncomfortable. The only character that really captured the story’s original spirit was the happily-macabre, cheeky Cheshire Cat, voiced by Stephen Fry, who had a chuckle-inducing obsession with the Mad Hatter’s hat, to the point of repeatedly asking to inherit it on the eve of the Hatter’s intended–and of course failed–execution. But the Cat had hardly any face time in the movie at all (and I don’t mean that his face was just invisible, either).

The scenery was, as I just mentioned, pretty much all drab, done in greys and browns, with the exception of a few garden scenes. The Red Queen’s palace was cast in deep reds and browns that still somehow managed to look muted. The only colour that wasn’t washed out was in the White Queen’s domain, where bright pink cherry blossom trees and white castle walls offered a little bit o’ fresh air, a nice break from the greyness of the rest of the environment. And with the exception of the White Queen’s realm, most of the buildings in the movie were decayed and crumbling, another nod to the whole “post-apocalyptic wasteland” theme that is so overdone in modern popular media. The Red Queen is BAD for the realm. We GET it, okay? We got it within the first five minutes of Alice’s trip down the rabbit-hole!

This is pretty much the most colour you’ll see in the setting for about 90% of the movie.

And as if to drive in the depressing point that this ain’t your grandmother’s Wonderland even further, the movie informs us that the name of the realm is actually UNDERland, and Alice just misheard it. (Being a Venture Bros. fan, I was VERY disappointed that Baron Ünderbheit didn’t show up at this point, hehe. At least he would’ve introduced some ACTION into Underland.)

The story is almost nonexistent. I’d include a spoiler warning, but there’s not enough substance to this movie’s story for it to HAVE spoilers. The adult Alice runs away from an undesirable suitor who’s just proposed and falls down the rabbit hole to the fantasy land she visited as a child. Everyone tells her she’s going to kill the Jabberwocky, she insists she’s not going to kill the Jabberwocky, but then she decides she IS going to kill the Jabberwocky after all. Then she kills the Jabberwocky and immediately goes home. The end. There are no surprises, no plot twists. Pretty much every plot point can be seen coming from the moment the relevant character is introduced. The main aim of the movie is supposed to be how Alice stops doing what others want her to do and learns to make her own choices…by doing exactly what everyone wants her to do in fighting the Jabberwocky. Yeah, I didn’t really get it either.

Also, Burton claims this film is his take on the books, not a sequel. But it’s made clear in the movie that it takes place after the books because Alice has already BEEN to W/Underland and had the adventures we know and love from the stories and various film adaptations. So, um. Dude, it’s a sequel. And giving a sequel the same name as the original usually has (the full title of the first book being Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland) rather confused me at first since I went into the film content-blind.

Now, maybe this bit is coming too little too late, but I wanted to end on a high–well, highER–note, and re-state that I didn’t flat-out hate the movie. Drabness aside, the visuals are otherwise appealing, with that twisted quality in both characters and environment that is immediately identifiable as Tim Burton’s touch. Some of the CG stands out as CG, such as horses that don’t move quite like real horses, but most of it is so well-done that the little kinks don’t matter. I may not be a huge fan of most of the guy’s movies, but I do love the special effects that get stuck into his films.

Stephen Fry makes a brilliant Cheshire Cat. Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar is just perfect, and I really wish we’d gotten to see more of him. And Christopher Lee as the voice of the Jabberwocky? Lee excels in everything he does, so I’ve no complaints here! Anne Hathaway, the White Queen, was JUST the right amount of sugary-sweet and twisted, making her one of the more interesting protagonists.

Look, I know the good points about this movie are mostly superficial, but sometimes that’s all you need. I think it’s worth seeing at least once–just not at full ticket price, a sentiment that was shared by the other ten people in my group. What story there IS is too depressing to appeal to children, but too nonexistent to appeal to adults. I think the flick was best summed up by something that happened when the eleven of us were standing outside the theatre afterwards. One of my friends remarked, “Y’know, if I was an emo wannabe-goth teenager, I’d probably think that movie was the bomb diggity or whatever.” At that moment, a group of teenagers came out of the theatre, decked out in black fishnet stockings far too tight for their chunky legs and wearing the Hot Topic version of black goth-gear (which is to say, not goth AT ALL). One was wearing a red velvet crown; another wearing a solid black miniature top hat to mimic the Mad Hatter’s, trimmed with black lace and black fake raven feathers. The group was talking rather enthusiastically about the film…well, mainly about how hot Johnny Depp was. Folks, I do believe we’ve identified the movie’s target audience.

Watch this movie as a way to kill some time and ogle some interesting graphics. And the movie did have its funny moments when it wasn’t on the verge of slitting its own wrists. I’d say, watch this one at home with a group of friends and some good food, and don’t hold back on the MST3K commentary. You’ll likely get much more out of it than you would in the theatre.

Tune in next time, when I’ll probably ruin someone else’s childhood!

P.S. Spwug’s own Donnie Sturges recommended this hi-larious link to me, and I think it’s a fine way to end this post. From College Humor: Tim Burton’s Secret Formula.

Holy crap.

I’m sure those of you who own one of the “fat” PS3 systems (like me) became quite acquainted with the issue that occurred last Sunday on the right and straight on ‘til Monday.

In short, the non-slim PS3s all took a huge dump.

In a major snafu that most-assuredly gave Xbox 360 owners plenty of ammo in the “Which system is better?” war, a simple glitch with the internal clock ended up wreaking havoc for about twenty-four hours.  For some weird reason, the older PS3 models tried (unsuccessfully, I might add) to turn over from February 28^th to February 29^th, 2010 on Sunday night.  Of course, the system that only does everything (including ride the short bus) did not get the memo that 2010 is not, in fact, a leap year.  The side effect of that?  February still remains short-stacked against her fuller siblings (I’ve always thought of February as a woman – she sure flirts like one).

So, when that internal clock rolled over to the obviously illegal date, those “fat” PS3s immediately wet the bed, making online connection impossible.  Also affected?  Trophy data was either corrupted or non-existent and almost all PS3 games were completely non-playable.

Sony’s response was amusing, yet horrifying at the same time – “Stay off your PS3!”  Sounding like an septuagenarian who just confiscated your Frisbee (do people even play with Frisbees anymore?), the company that uses the same font for Playstation and the Spider-Man movies admitted that they were at a loss, but that the problem was bad enough to warrant treating your system like a red-headed step child (what a sad moniker – I happen to like gingers).

So, like the stalwart troopers that they are, Sony set their tech experts (who obviously have no concept of the Gregorian calendar or this wouldn’t have happened in the first place) to task to find and fix the problem.  Meanwhile, Xbox folks were laughing at our misfortunes right up to the moment when their 360s got their fifth or sixth “Red Ring of Death”, at which point they swore profusely and immediately throw themselves onto some jagged rocks.

At the same time, I was going through a steady decline as withdrawals started to kick in.  It wasn’t noticeable Sunday night, as the problem didn’t occur until after I had already signed off for the evening.  But by the time I got home from work Monday afternoon?  Well, let’s just say that I never realized just how much I use my PS3 until I found out the hard way that about two-thirds of my couch time in the living room requires the use of the third generation Playstation.  I couldn’t play any video games.  I couldn’t watch any movies.  Every time my instincts automatically queued up my arms to reach for the power button on my system I had to stop myself.  In the end, I was forced to “channel surf” – a past time that I’m pretty sure became obsolete right around the same time that Frisbees stopped being something cool that you did in parks and backyards.

Fortunately for me, the Winter Olympics were just over enough to return one of my 8 PM viewing staples to its proper time slot.  After watching the show I bought a Subway sandwich to keep on the air, “Chuck” returned the favor and kept me distracted long enough for Sony to figure out how time is actually kept track of in modern society.  By 9 PM I hesitantly fired up ol’ Bessie based on some positive rumblings I had read in one of the forums I frequent.  Sure enough, my sleek-black beauty was fine and dandy.  She was a little disoriented, still thinking that it was Sunday, February 28^th, but after a gentle correction I was able to play Fallout 3 with only my usual operational glitches and irritations.  All was now right in the world once again.

At least, until all game systems everywhere instantly self destruct while trying to reconcile December 21^st, 2012.

The Don survived the PS3 Blackout of February 29^th, 2010.  He didn’t even get a lousy T-shirt.

Item the first – The new Borderlands downloadable content, “The Secret Armory of General Knoxx.” So far, this is shaping up to be the best DLC yet! Fantastic new enemies, weapons, and vehicles, and the new maps are appropriately huge. It also takes the punny, crude humour of the game and boots it up a few notches, particularly in the form of grafitti. I’d share screenshots, but most of the jokes thus far are not suitable for Spwuggy content. The “politest” one I’ve seen is a poster depicting one of the game’s despised Crimson Lance bullies soldiers. Over the soldier is the word “VACANCY” with arrows pointing at the soldier’s head and, uh, crotch. Only a handful of the add-on’s quests have been completed so far in this household, but I’ve already lost track of the laugh-out-loud moments–there’s just too much with the funny! By the way, in this DLC, you will learn a bit more about redneck Scooter and the sexy Mad Moxxi than you probably wanted to know. And it’s not what you’re thinking. Check out the launch trailer for the add-on; although it’s not humourous like I’d expect a Borderlands to be, take a good look at the wanted posters of the four main characters about twenty seconds in. Particularly, look at the female character’s picture for a good chuckle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFWMnKeoDdg

Click here to view the embedded video.

Item the second – The new Nintendo DSi XL will be out very soon! I’ve been looking forward to this new system, with its larger screen and a few other keen features you can read about all over the Web. It’s also looking like the homebrew community will be very happy with this DS, since hack videos are already popping up on YouTube. I’m disappointed that the only launch colours are wine and bronze (I suppose appealing to the target older demographic), but that’s what skins are for. I’ll have my teal Hylian DS yet, even if I have to skin it myself!

Item the third: There is no item the third. I just wanted to see if you all were paying attention.

And that’ll do it for me for another week. It’s time for me to boot up the PS3 and get my kill on!

I also had another project come up that needed done ASAP.  And in another clever, M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist, I can use this moment to shill that project to all you fellow Spwugnerians in this space:

I’m currently working for my film friends at Darkstone Entertainment writing episode blurbs for director John Johnson’s new Choose-Your-Own Adventure web series called “Spade”.  Episodes air every other Thursday, with the first episode airing two weeks ago.

That means the second episode is online now!  At the end of each episode, viewers are given a choice as to how they want the plot and/or characters to proceed.  All they have to do is make with the clicky on the choices that are presented.  Then, two weeks later, the option that won the most votes will appear as the next episode.

I give you your first taste with episode 1:

Click here to view the embedded video.

And here’s the newest episode!  Vote and choose what you would like to see happen next!

Click here to view the embedded video.

See you next week with a regular installment!

Yeah, me neither.

But there’s no denying that sometimes, sometimes, when you’re not otherwise paying attention, something involving thinky-meats will come up and smack you over the head, and you’ll say, “This is COOL!” Then you’ll look around quickly, afraid your middle-school science teacher is gloating somewhere nearby.

I’m pretty sure Mr. Jasper* is nowhere around, so I think it’s safe to share this article with you, if I hurry.

An archelogical dig in Turkey has recently turned up the oldest-known human-made structures–predating even the Great Pyramid by about 7,000 years.

This find appears to be raising new questions more quickly than it answers existing ones. Guesses can and are being made at the structures’ purpose, but so many ideas are being tossed back and forth, I couldn’t do that article justice here without just pasting the whole darn thing. And since I didn’t WRITE the whole darn thing, I won’t paste the whole darn thing. Instead, follow the link above to read the whole darn thing, and sit back as your perception of human history rewrites itself!

I’m almost as excited at this amazing find as I am about Christmas, birthdays, and the upcoming Zelda game. There’s no hope for me to ever become a normal person, is there?

*Middle-school science teacher identity invented to protect the guilty….Namely, me. I probably shouldn’t have slept through those archeology documentaries in class….**

**Oh, who am I kidding? I was such a science geek I was practically drooling during those things!

The werewolf film may be re-marking its territory.

Yes, I know that werewolves have already reared their heads in the forgettable, if not horrible Twilight franchise.  But that wasn’t technically a werewolf movie.  It was a movie about raping your face for two hours at ten bucks a pop.

I’m talking about honest-to-Cthulhu werewolves: ferocious creatures that serve as a metaphor for the insatiable beast that exists in all of us (except for Carl – he’s just a disappointment), but also amuse us with blood spray.  Sadly, it’s been quite some time since we were genuinely treated to a great werewolf flick.  Your tastes may vary, but most folks have to go back as far as the 80s before they can even think of one lycanthrope movie of any serious quality.  For some reason, werewolves seem to be a difficult topic to build a movie around.

But, I think there’s a moonlight at the end of the tunnel.  Universal’s new remake of The Wolf Man is definitely a pounce in the right direction.  Based on the 1941 monster film with Lon Chaney, Jr., this reimagining manages to invoke the spirit of the original classic while adding a dash of Hammer Films’ The Curse of the Werewolf.  The result is a fun and thrilling ride with a wonderful gothic atmosphere that manages to make you feel like you’re watching a new installment in the old Universal series.

I will admit right to your face that I’m a big fan of the old Universal monsters, with The Wolf Man being my favorite.  From Lon Chaney’s first foray into the fur to Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man to even the still-hilarious Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, I’ve been fascinated by the lupine creature.  So, I got quite excited when Universal first announced this remake, despite the soulpunch the studio gave me with that craptastic mess called Van Helsing a few years back.

Though the production was troubled almost from the beginning due to a change in directors, soundtrack swaps, and numerous reshoots, the solid script managed to remain enough of a stable base to give us a solid little film.  The biggest aspect of the movie that will slap you in the face (in a good way) as soon as that first reel starts spinning is the atmosphere.  Like I said above, the gothic tone being given off by the Victorian era setting sets the backdrop beautifully.  Combine that with the muted colors on display, and you almost think you’re watching the black and white classic.  This was actually one of my favorite elements of the film.

Then there’s the score.  Originally, The Wolfman was supposed to be set to a rock score.  I’m certainly glad it wasn’t, as that would have completely killed the mood set by the rest of the film.  As it is, we get yet another twitch of the baton from Mr. Danny Elfman, whose score isn’t as overwhelmingly Elfmannish as we’re used to.  But I think this is a plus in this case, as this movie really calls for something more atmospheric, which I think Elfman does well here.

As for the acting, everyone brings their A-game to the party.  Benicio Del Toro is practically channeling Lon Chaney, Jr. in his performance.  Hopkins chews every bit of scenery he’s in, but that’s always a good thing.  Hugo Weaving’s portrayal of Inspector Abberline (famous for the real life investigation of the Jack the Ripper murders) made me grin from ear to ear as he displayed his smug chutzpah to every character that got in his path.  And though her character seemed to be the weakest link in the film, even Emily Blunt was able to deliver a good performance.

I know one of the major upheavals that came about during production was the fact that Rick Baker’s marvelous make-up effects were not going to be used for the werewolf transformation sequences.  I was extremely disappointed when I heard this, as Baker is a master at this craft.  Heck, one of the reasons he asked to be a part of the film was so he could design these sequences.  Sadly, Universal decided to go with CG for the transformations instead.  I have to admit, I was not impressed when I caught glimpses of them in the trailer.  But, I was pleasantly surprised by how they looked in the final film.  With the right lighting (i.e. dark), I could hardly tell that it was CG at all.  Then there’s the best news of all – Baker’s designs for Del Toro’s final Wolf Man form were kept in unhindered.  And damn, does he look awesome!  Director Joe Johnston knew exactly how to play it, too – flashes of creature throughout the film until we get to see him full on at the end.  Johnston got it, and the viewers were rewarded.

Lastly, there’s the gruesome factor.  One of the things that the original Wolf Man loses on me with subsequent revisits is its lack of real savagery.  As a kid the Wolf Man scared the bejeezus out of me.  With his intense gaze and his rabid snarls Chaney was able to put the wiggins on a boy.  As an older geek, however, the ferocity on display is quite bland.  All Chaney ever really does is grab people while snarling, and maybe occasionally bite a dude away from the camera.  Don’t get me wrong – I still love the flick.  It transcends beyond what it loses as the viewer gets older.  It’s just that the scares aren’t scares anymore, but more like classic thrills in the vein of that kiddie roller coaster that you still enjoy riding from time to time.

Now, you want a Wolf Man movie with bite?  And not just bite – I’m talking eviscerating, lip smacking, flesh-tearing bite.  This film has got it.  Talbot’s beast does his fair share of all of the above, and then some.  And I love it.  There were some pretty gruesome kills in this flick, and I cackled with glee at every one of them.

Now, is this a perfect film?  No.  It definitely has some flaws.  The character development between Talbot and Gwen is kind of weak and feels rushed.  The plot stumbles a couple of times as well.  Talbot’s trip to the asylum in London felt more like a sidetrack to the main story, but at the same time it set up one of my favorite sequences in the film.  I mean, who doesn’t want to see the Wolf Man rooftop-hopping in the light of the full moon in Victorian-Age London?

Despite these flaws, the movie pulls you in and along for the ride.  Like Avatar, you find yourself living and breathing in the environment while getting wrapped up in the events as they unfold on one Lawrence Talbot.  I found myself enjoying it so much, I’m planning on going back to the theater to see it again.

I know that Universal is planning on resurrecting the rest of their creature pantheon as well.  If this movie is a sign of things to come, we may be finding ourselves emerging into a new era of Universal Monsters.

Van Helsing be damned.

The Don was drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s.  His hair was perfect.

Maybe you’re a gamer, but you find most gaming comics too vulgar or violent or absurd. I don’t share this problem, but I’m sure someone has it out there. So, if you’re looking for a less R-rated gaming comic, would you be interested in reading the archives of one that manages to be family-friendly while not dumbing down the content in the slightest? Then keep reading!

As many of you already know, CrispyGamer.com recently decided to shoot itself in both feet, then the head for good measure (or overkill; I’m not sure where the brains of that operation actually were located when all this was going on). Staff canned, CEO gone, and, most importantly to this article, comics unceremoniously terminated. One of those was Aaron Williams’ Backward Compatible.

I’m a huge fan of his work. You might be familiar with some of his other online-offering titles, such as Nodwick, Full Frontal Nerdity, and PS238. He also wrote for the acclaimed comic North 40, published by Wildstorm, and is also working with Marvel on an undisclosed project. This guy is a true professional artist in every sense of the words (and a real dang friendly dude!), and it shows in his work. The art in his comics is sharp and clean, and the lettering makes it clear that at least one person out there who publishes online stayed awake in English class.

Backward Compatible focused on the daily work lives of a small group of fictitious Crispy Gamer staff, based on actual people. The focus wasn’t on an ongoing story or characterization (which makes my job here much easier); it was all about episodic, topical gaming humour. That’s the meat of it, and it was tasty meat indeed. Take a look at a few prime examples of what made Backward Compatible so entertaining. Guys, I kid you not, I had over a dozen favourite strips saved to potentially post here for this review. Every single one was so funny, I couldn’t choose. I took the geek way out and rolled a die to determine the winners. The rest will be posted at the end of this page as links. I just couldn’t leave them out!

We all had these same thoughts about Fallout 3 (click to enlarge):

Let’s make fun of the Syphilis–I mean Syfy–Channel’s bad decisions–that NEVER gets old! No, I’m not being sarcastic there. Why, oh WHY do we have crap like Man-Thing airing as original Syfy programming, but The Lost Room is STILL in freakin’ limbo?! Here’s a novel idea, Syfy: if you want us to stop mocking you, STOP BEING STUPID. (Whew. Think I may have eaten a tangent for breakfast. No more citrus for me!)

A requisite World of Warcraft comic? Don’t mind if I do!

If this existed, I would play the heck out of it:

Are you keen to read more yet? Then hop on over to the very first strip and start reading! Backward Compatible only ran from January 2008 to January 2010, so you can expect to get through the entire archives in several hours or less. Not a bad way to spend an evening at home, eh? The current fate of the comic is unknown, but it’s likely that the archives will eventually be removed from CrispyGamer.com, so don’t wait! Act now to read the sheer comic genius that is Backward Compatible before time runs out! And if you need a little more convincing, here are the other comics that didn’t make it into this review:

Even the Pope was not amused by the “pre-downloading” concept of Left 4 Dead 2.

The second panel of this one says pretty much everything I’ve ever thought about those ridiculous Mac-which-is-actually-still-a-PC vs. PC ads.

What it would actually look like if illegal hunting was influenced by video games. Epic LULZ abound!

More Syfy mockery! That stuff is always in style.

Yeah, I could see why some people wouldn’t want to play a Zork MMO.

Why Gordon Freeman never speaks. (Where is our Half Life Episode 3, anyways?)

The…interesting…weaponry of Left 4 Dead 2.

You just keep telling yourself that, Mac. I own over a half-dozen Nintendo consoles, but no Apple products.

Snark Trek.

See now why I had so much trouble choosing? Go read more for yourself! Don’t worry. Unlike Crispy Gamer and Backward Compatible itself, I’ll still be here next week when you’re done.

Valentine’s Day is coming up.  So, in honor of this day of hearts and cupids I should probably do some kind of article commemorating fatal romances in movies, dictating the top love triangles in comics, or listing the love ballads everyone says they hate but secretly love.

I’m not gonna do any of that.

Instead, I’m going to veer completely around that holiday of pinks and purples and make a beeline straight for the twenty-four hours (almost) everyone in the U.S. will be observing (theoretically) the day after: Presidents’ Day.

For my contribution to the day in which we acknowledge the efforts of our leading forefathers, I turn to a medium that – in this day and age – can almost be considered as American as baseball and apple pie.

Comic books.

Presidents have been portrayed in comic books almost as far back as the beginning.  From George Washington penning for an (extremely) early version of The Daily Planet to last year’s run of Obama appearances, every age of comics through the years has had a commander-in-chief show up at some point.  In some cases, especially during times of war, having the president appear in a comic book was a way to rally the morale of Americans, as well as to add some weight to a particular hero’s efforts.  If FDR was responsible for helping Captain America obtain the shield he’s known for today, it must be just and right.

But as much as comic creators like to herald our national leaders, they also sometimes throw our presidents into comics to serve in a satirical sense.  The result is that often our leaders are portrayed in a negative light.  The reason for this is simple: comics, like any other entertainment medium, are just as often used to deliver a message as well as entertain.  It is not uncommon for comic book writers to infuse their own views on politics, society, and pop culture into their stories.  Richard Nixon tends to be a perfect example of this, as you’ll see shortly.

So, here are a few of the more notable moments in comic book history when our nation’s presidents made an appearance, for good or for ill:

Richard Nixon: Watchmen

Might as well start with what is most likely the most well-known appearance of a U.S. president in comics history.  Unfortunately for ol’ Tricky Dick, his role in the award-winning series only expounded upon the less-than-stellar reputation he was forever stuck with after his resignation in the shadow of the Watergate scandal.  In Watchmen, Alan Moore creates an alternate 1985 where Nixon is still president, using him as a tool to portray a country that thinks it is invulnerable.  Moore’s take on how Nixon would eventually lead the country to nuclear war was his commentary against “power politics” and “Reaganism”, a statement that continues to resonate with anyone who picks up this powerful graphic novel.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Captain America

FDR appears to have been quite the busy guy in comic books… retroactively.  While not part of the original canon of these books, over the years FDR was retconned into playing a major role in a number of major comic book moments.  Not only did he play a major part in the creation of the Justice Society of America and the All-Star Squadron over at DC, in Marvel’s Captain America issue 255 he makes a cameo appearance to present Cap with his current, iconic shield.

Ronald Reagan: The Dark Knight Returns

Another negative portrayal of a U.S. leader, this time from the pen of Frank Miller.  Miller’s tale also takes place in an alternate reality.  This time, a much older Batman comes out of retirement to reclaim Gotham from being overrun with crime.  Coming out right around the same time as Watchmen, Miller wasn’t afraid to take the founder of “Reaganomics” head on (unlike Moore), portraying him as a slippery-tongued oaf who had only his own best interests at heart.

Ronald Reagan: Legends

Reagan again, only this time, the actor-turned-president was portrayed in a more sympathetic manner.  A semi-successful mini-series that told the story of a Darkseid operative turning the American public against superheroes, Legends featured a Reagan who was a little more reasonable in his decision-making.  Though he initially had to reluctantly issue an order to restrict superhero activity, The Gipper immediately rescinded that edict after the Martian Manhunter saved his life from an assassination attempt.

John F. Kennedy: Action Comics

Kennedy’s appearance in Action Comics issue 309 is distinctive for a couple of reasons – not only does play a major role in the story by teaming up with Superman, he also ends up being one of the few people the Man of Steel trusts with his secret identity.  Sadly, the timing of this issue couldn’t have been worse, though it is part of the reason why this appearance is so notable – Action Comics 309 came out a week after JFK’s assassination in Texas.

Now, before I get comments and e-mails about the bajillion examples I missed, keep in mind that I couldn’t list every single instance of one of our leaders making an appearance in a comic book.  After all of my research, these were the ones that kept popping up the most.  And, for the most part, I think they serve as worthy representatives of a comic book tradition that really shows no signs of letting up for as long as we have presidents in these United States.  And I’m sure that we’ll continue to see them portrayed both sincerely, as well as satirically.

Or we could just get Lex Luthor as president again.

The Don doesn’t get sworn in.  He gets sworn at.

You’d think, having lived here all my life, that I’d be more familiar with this religious ceremony. Instead, I spent the evening staring at the proceedings with a kind of horrified fascination.

I’d been invited by friends. These are people I see on a fairly regular basis. We’ve known one another for years. I know their hobbies, their likes, dislikes, their dreams, their fears…but I did not recognize the people I sat with during this game of feet and balls as the friends I’ve known so long and well.

“We’re having the party more to watch the commercials than the game. Most of us aren’t big football fans,” they said. So I attended expecting food, camaraderie, and boisterous conversation. What I got?

Oh, there was food. Plates piled high with offerings to the gods of feet and balls–chips, barbeque wieners, pretzels, sodas. But the camaraderie and boisterous conversation? I began to worry I’d stepped into a cult gathering. There was no punch bowl, luckily. When the “game” started, my lively, entertaining friends became fixated on the TV, jaws hanging open, possibly with little streams of drool running out. I don’t know. I kept my distance. When they spoke, it was to yell obscenities at the screen. Anyone making a comment unrelated to the happenings on the television was largely ignored.

I avoided looking at the screen which had turned my friends into grunting shells of humans. Something wasn’t right here.

Then the twisted ritual of men dogpiling onto each other and patting each other on the buttocks (”But we’re not gay, no, even though we grope each other and shower together and sleep together and live together on the road, why won’t you BELIEVE us?!”) was interrupted by advertisements for OTHER arcane, evil rituals. That was when things got really scary.

As soon as the ads started, my once-friendly comrades started angrily shushing the few brave souls who’d tried to engage in the “boisterous conversation” I’d come to this party specifically to experience. The vehemence made no sense to me; the DVR was recording the game. If you missed a few seconds, couldn’t you just pause during the brief conversations and then rewind so everyone who wanted to could see? (And they did rewind for particularly amusing ads people wanted to see again. Frequently.) I had been pretty quiet since the game began, unsettled by the rapt attention my pals were giving the talky box and not to one another. I made a silent note not to speak for the rest of the evening, fearing for my safety.

And what was happening on the screen wasn’t holding my attention at all. Even the famous “Super Bowl ads” were more annoying than entertaining–and what was up with the steady theme of emasculation in them this year, anyways? Maybe I was immune to the spell that hypnotized the rest of the room. I wasn’t going to give it a chance to seize me, either. About forty-five minutes into the satanic ritual, I quietly snuck my roomie’s PSP out of my bag, found a mercifully open outlet for the adapter, and began to play the Second Quest of The Legend of Zelda. (If the PSP serves any use beyond playing old Nintendo-console games, I haven’t found it.)

The ceremony continued. The angry comments at the screen continued. The impolite shushing of conversation for Commercial Time continued. After an hour or two, someone remarked that I must be bored because I wasn’t watching the game. I froze, taking a hit from an Ironknuckle in the process. Caught! I wondered if I would leave this place whole, or even alive. I quickly mumbled some lie about pausing the game to watch the ads, and this seemed to satisfy the others. Or maybe they were so deep under the TV’s spell that they couldn’t bear to look away for long. Either way, they left me alone then. I gave a discreet sigh and continued playing, only mildly annoyed that I now had to go looking for Hearts to get my sword-laser back.

And so it went. When my friends weren’t shouting vulgarities at the screen, they were hissing venom at each other for commercials. I finished one dungeon, then a second, and began looking for the White Sword and the Blue Ring.

Then several people behind the couch began having a conversation during the game. Was the spell breaking? One of them asked me a question while the others kept talking. Cautiously, I started to answer–unfortunately, just as commercials started. “SHHHHHHHHH! Shut up! Commercials!” someone at the far end of the room hissed rather pissily. I wasn’t sure if they were talking to the others, who were sitting right next to him, or to me across the room.

But I was getting pretty angry myself. I had had enough of this satanic event turning my friends into angry d-bags, when I’d come for a party. And if they were talking to me, who was that, to tell a supposed friend to shut up when they’re trying to be polite and answer a question? I shot an obscene phrase at him under my breath just in case he was addressing me, something I won’t repeat here, but which rhymed with “Ducking dock writer.” Luckily for my life and limb, everyone else had been enraptured by the TV again and didn’t hear. I muttered angrily, and started to go back to my much more important NES game–only to realize that I had just been as ferocious as everyone around me. Cold fear stabbed through me. Was the TV’s spell reaching out to me as well now?

There was only one way to resist–I buried myself in the magical Land of Hyrule and didn’t look up for the rest of the evening. By the time I had finished the third dungeon and acquired several hidden items in the Overworld, the evil game on TV was over, and I was safe. I cheered along with the others, but for different reasons.

And now the spell was broken. My friends were acting like friends again!–for the five minutes it took them to gather their coats and leftover food and exit out the door. Ah, well. At least they were all safe and whole again, and perhaps more amazingly, *I* was safe and whole.

I was happy. I said my goodnights and goodbyes and hurried out to the car. Once inside, I realized I had finally, truly escaped the wicked spell of the Super Bowl…until next year, that is. I would have to prepare intensely between now and then in order to better resist Super Bowl 2011’s occult charms.

I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough. 2011 may be the end of me.

At least I finished three dungeons in Zelda.

(P.S. This was a work of humourous fiction. The party and people in this post should not be mistaken for the party and people that I actually rocked out at/with. But writing an epic tale of struggle and betrayal and redemption is far more interesting than writing “I went to a Bowl party, it was fun, Betty White is hardcore, we ate too much, I played Zelda, and then we all went home!”)